Breaking Points
by Crevette
Summary: AU story. The world has a changed a lot in the wake of a six month world-wide technology crash and the chaos that followed. Naomi and Emily have never met, until now. When they do, sparks will fly - one way or another.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fic. It is completely AU, taking place about 8 years after series 4 ended. Three of the main scenes for this story popped into my head and would not let me go until I wrote them down. That led to more, and well, for better or worse, here we go.**

**I don****'****t own Skins. Wish I did, though, especially series 3 and 4. **

**Chapter 1 ****–**** The Beginning**

**Naomi**

I am tired. So bloody tired I can hardly think, let alone move.

I am crashed on my bunk with a bottle of vodka. I haven't even managed to get my boots off. I haven't slept properly in days, and today has been total shit. It started out fairly well – waking up in an actual bed, in relative safety. But that didn't last long.

We got tossed a mission on short-notice. Someone spotted an old factory that looked promising and we were the only team available to check it out to see if it could be brought back online. It wasn't something that we would normally get tasked to do, but what the hell, it broke the boredom.

The mission started out fine. It was nice to be moving again to be honest. We've been base-bound for a little while, mostly because of me. Command is a bit pissed at me right now - something to do with too much alcohol and not enough sleep. Blah, blah, di fucking blah.

Anyway, twenty minutes into the first recon foray all hell broke loose. My team walked right into a guerrilla patrol and we found ourselves in the middle of a complete shit storm. We were in real trouble right away, out-gunned and out-numbered. Again. It was the first time we caught fire since… the first time in a while. We got out of it by the skin of our teeth but not without casualties. Freddy, our Comms Tech, got hit and went down hard. Cook did his hero thing and threw Freds over his shoulder, getting him out of the line of fire. Effy dove right in after them and did her wizard-like medic routine and probably saved Feddy's leg. JJ started laying down cover fire. And me? I froze. Yup, for a good 5 seconds. I snapped out of it before it cost us, but still. Fuck.

Once I could move again I did what I always do: calculated the options, developed a plan, fired with precision, and took out the bad guys. Just like usual. Just like every time but once. I try not to think about that day, so of course I think about it all the time. The more I try to forget it the more I remember every detail. So now, even though I haven't had more than a few minutes sleep at a time for more than a week, I still can't close my eyes. Because if I close my eyes I am right back there, living it all over again, and I can't take that. So, here I lie with my bottle of vodka.

Fact: Oblivion is my friend, and right now finding it is the only thing that matters. Fact: If I drink enough I will eventually find oblivion. _Ergo ipso facto_: It's time to get munted. I take a deep, hard pull on the bottle and settle in for another long night.

**XXX**

**Emily**

Everything changed about 8 years ago. I was in college then, second form. I don't really understand what happened - something about solar flares, geomagnetic storms and whatever-the-fuck. Whatever caused it, communications and electronics were knocked out for about 6 months all over the world: no radio, no internet, no t.v., not even twitter. Banking systems, power grids, water filtration – none of it worked anymore. GPS and phone systems were all gone in a matter of days. With almost no warning at all, we were living in a world where nothing worked. All the fancy IPads and Blackberries that people had thought were so important to each and every waking minute were basically turned into really expensive paperweights. Katie, my twin sister and wanna-be WAG pretty much lost her shit over that.

We went from being the most technologically advanced society in history to total chaos. Rioting, looting, and violence were everywhere. Borders stopped meaning anything because they couldn't be enforced. I had always thought that would be a good thing, you know - John Lennon, "Imagine there's no countries… nothing to kill or die for" and all that. But it turned out that the lost borders just meant that the bloodshed had no bounds. The killing and dying were endless, not ended.

By the time the electronics systems started coming back online bit by bit the world had changed almost completely. I think of it in terms of Before and After, now. The old boundaries and borders no longer apply. The old rules and laws no longer apply.

Katie and I are part of the Bristol militia. The militias work along-side the organized military, or at least what's left of it. It's an uneasy alliance, but it's better than no alliance at all. We help protect the outer edge of the British buffer zone, below the Liverpool-Sheffield line. Being on an island, we are safe from the worst of the mainland conflicts. But we still have to battle the guerrillas - mostly ex drug lords and gang leaders who started carving out fiefdoms as soon as the old government fell. And we still have to fight against attacks from what used to be Europe. Things are better now than they were just after the Crash, but nothing like they were Before.

Bristol is almost empty now. A lot of the buildings are destroyed. There was a huge fire here in the first months after the Crash. It burned for days. With no fire services left, and no pumping stations to fill the water lines, there was no way to put it out. Other buildings, especially stores, warehouses and other places that used to hold useful supplies look like the battle fields they turned into. Some walls are down completely, some are riddled with bullet holes. The glass is shattered out of most of the storefronts. Even the neighbourhood where I grew up is almost unrecognizable to me now.

Not every city in England looks like this. A lot have been abandoned because it is just too hard to try get enough food to feed a lot of people in one place. But some actually made it through pretty well, especially farther North. Others have been partly rebuilt with whatever supplies could be found. Bristol wasn't so lucky. Most people who lived here Before have moved North, beyond the buffer line, so that they are more protected from raids and attacks from across the Channel. That's where my parents and brother are now. At least I hope it is. They set out for there over a year ago, and we haven't heard from them since. I think about them every day. It's killing Katie, the not knowing. Still, we're luckier than most. We all survived the first years of the Crash. A lot of people didn't.

"Will you hurry up, Bitch! I'm going to be late."

Ah, Katie. Could you possibly be more of a cow? Yes, we are running late, but no, it's not my fucking fault. We just arrived at the new base. Katie is joining the decryption and strategic analysis team here, and I'll be working Comms on one of the recon teams. Nothing in our life from Before could have predicted any of this. I mean, the thought of Katie doing anything more strategic than planning a shopping trip used to be hard to imagine. But it turns out that she has a knack for decryption. She really is good at it, and she takes it more seriously than anything she ever did before. I'm proud of her. And better yet, I think she's finally proud of herself.

When my family was on the run during the early days of the Crash, I discovered that have a natural feel for surveillance and I can pull signals out of pretty much anything that will transmit and receive. The surveillance bit isn't that surprising, really. I grew up watching everyone and everything, and trying to move around without being noticed. That's how I survived being Katie's sister after all. It's also how I was able to watch girls once I realized I was gay. Yes, I like girls. I like their rosy lips, their hard nipples, bums, soft eyes... I like tits and fanny. A lot, if I'm honest, like, obsessively.

I used to hide that part of myself. It was just easier that way especially with how Katie reacted the first time I tried to tell her. "You're not gay, you're just stupid." I mean, seriously, who says shit like that? She's come around since then, but she really was a bitch about it for a while. Anyway, I don't hide that part of me any more. Life is too short, and I like women way too much to bother holding back.

Katie found out about her new assignment a while back, but I just got my orders a couple of days ago. One of the communications guys got shot, and since Katie was coming here anyway, the powers that be decided that it made sense to send me here to replace him. Katie has been doing my head in complaining ever since we first hit the road. The driver wouldn't let her load more than two bags on the Rover because we needed the space for the extra gas cans. That meant she had to leave three behind – three suitcases full of clothes that she will probably never see again. She just about went ballistic over it, a classic Katie Fucking Fitch freak-out. If the situation had been different it would have been really funny. Actually, scratch that, it was really funny. I don't know what she thinks goes on at this base, but I don't think that many changes of clothes or shoes are really going to be necessary.

Because of all the arguing with the driver that she did we got a late start, and we had to take it slow on what's left of the roads. It's amazing how fast a road will fall apart when there is no way to try to repair it. Between the craters, the crumbling shoulders and the detours around downed trees and buildings, the trip, which would have taken all of an hour Before, took us almost six today - six uncomfortable and very nerve-wracking hours. Even though this area is under Militia control now, you never know when you might run into a guerilla patrol. And it's not like they stop and say Hi before opening fire, either. I rode shotgun, and I can promise you that I kept the Rover's L7 machine gun ready to fire the whole time.

Anyway, we finally made it, but Katie is running late to her first meeting and she is not happy about it. We are still at the clearance gate, getting vetted for access to the main part of the base. This may not be a "regular army", but they still love paperwork. No matter how much else has changed since before the Crash, there is always paperwork.

Finally we get through to the main access area. A good looking guy with an African French accent greets Katie. "Hello, I am Thomas. I am so happy to meet you." I hear him tell her that he is part of her new team and he is there to show her to her room so she can drop her bags, after which he will escort her to the meeting. He's quite charming, even takes a moment to smile warmly at me and nod his head in greeting. I can tell Katie thinks he's cute because she takes off after him without even saying good-bye to me, hips swaying so hard from side to side that it's hard to believe she can actually get any forward motion going at all.

Just as I'm collecting my bags, and trying to figure out where I am supposed to go next, I hear a quiet voice next to me: "Interesting." I look around and see a tall, slender brunette with steel-blue eyes looking at me. She is wearing undone shin-high combat boots, and the most skin tight fatigues I have ever seen under a black tee shirt that looks like it could double as the world's shortest dress. She is gorgeous. Sex on two legs-type gorgeous, and my first impression is that she could be very, very dangerous.

"Emily Fitch?" she says.

"That's me."

"Sweet. Follow me."

And with that she turns on her heel and starts walking down the hallway to my left. She doesn't even look back to see if I am following her, but of course I do. After a few minutes, she stops in front of a door and enters the room. The room is small, but neat. It has a bed, and night stand and not much else. The walls are a pretty gross green, and the paint is peeling like it is everywhere these days, but there is a little window and the glass is still in one piece, so I'm happy. "This is your room. Washrooms are down the hall to the left. Communal. If you have your own soap you should bring it. I'm Effy. I'm on your new team. I'm supposed to give you a tour."

And with that, she walks out of the room. Once again, she doesn't check to see if I am following, she just assumes. But if she's my tour guide, I need to catch up. I've never been to this base before and have no idea where anything is. I would really rather not get lost on my first day.

The tour is an odd experience. I have never met anyone who uses as few words as Effy does. She just walks along in silence, and then occasionally points and says, "your sister's room" (it's across the hall from mine), "kitchen", or "mess hall", or "briefing room". "Garden". Now that one interests me. I used to love to garden. I know this one will be for veggies for the kitchens and not flowers, but it would be great if I can get my hands into some dirt again. Effy carries on to show me the armoury, electronics repair lab, laundry, and various other important places. By the end of the tour I am completely confused. I must look it, too.

"Don't worry. You'll figure it out in a couple of days. In the meantime, stick with me. My room is beside yours. Dinner is at 18:00. There is a team meeting tomorrow morning at 10. Do you drink?" The question takes me completely by surprise. I stumble for a second trying to make sense of the change in subject before saying yes. I mean, obviously I drink.

"Good. 10 pm. Be ready." We are back at my room. She walks away from me and goes through the next door up the hall without looking back or saying good-bye. Well, okay then.

I realize a few minutes later as I'm starting to unpack that other than her first name I don't know anything about Effy, and she hasn't told me anything about anyone else on the team either. I don't know what we are doing at 10, or what I should wear. I really don't know much more than I did when I arrived except that it is going to take me for fucking ever to learn my way around this base. Fuck me. This is shaping up to be an interesting ride.

**XXX**

**I hope no one is too attached to Freddie, because that is it for him. Major thanks go out to Blue Eyed Frog and Miss Maurauder, who gave me some great feedback and encouragement. The Latin is for BE F. She did it first and better, but still, it's the thought, etc. To be clear, all mistakes are mine. Happy to receive constructive feedback, so if you feel so inclined, please review.  
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	2. Chapter 2

**And now, to the bar. Appropriate that I ended up there so quickly, really.**

**I don't own Skins, but I'd gladly buy it a drink.**

**Chapter 2 – The Bar (a.k.a. fun with musical fic refs)**

**Emily**

"Holy shit, who is that?" I think to myself.

It's 11 p.m., and we are at the base "bar", or what passes for it. That was Effy's grand scheme for the night - introduce me to the "local nightlife", such as it is. The bar is really just an old Quonset hut hanger with a few salvaged tables and chairs, some low watt overhead lights with scattered bits of fabric and gel to give some colour, and a beat up sound system that looks like it is being run through a re-built computer of some kind. Looks like the generators are working alright here. Nice change, that, for me. The bar itself has a bizarre collection of booze – basically whatever has turned up during supply recon missions, I'm guessing. On the up-side, I can see vodka, beer and tequila, so I'm set at least for tonight. Effy has appointed herself my escort for the night. I think she is afraid I'll get irretrievably lost if left to my own devices. She's not necessarily wrong about that. I still can't figure this bloody place out.

We barely make it inside the bar door when I see a flash of ash blond hair go by, and when I look over, I find myself caught up in the bluest eyes I have ever seen - ice blue and blazing at the same time. Seriously, that colour should not be legal, especially when attached to that face, that body and those legs. She looks away without even seeming to notice me, but I sure noticed her. She is gorgeous - tall, thin and obviously very drunk. But even with that, and with no make-up, wearing torn fatigues, boots and a simple green t-shirt, she is beautiful. I'm pretty sure my jaw literally dropped for a minute while I stared at her, heart racing, probably tongue sticking out knowing me. Yeah, superficial, I know, but I'm only human. Effy noticed, of course. I can already tell that Effy doesn't miss much.

"You want to be careful with that one," Effy speaks into my ear so I can hear her over the pounding bass.

"Why? Who is she?" I yell back.

"Naomi Campbell, our team lead. Your team lead now, too."

Well that's interesting. I've heard about her, of course. Everyone has. She's a legend. Her team used to do all the really risky behind the lines work. She's a sniper, an incredible shot - one of the best there is, militia or regular forces from what I heard. Her team got hit hard at some point, if I remember right, but I don't think I ever knew the details.

"So why be careful?" I ask, never taking my eyes off the blond. The last thing in the world I want to be with that woman is careful. Oh no, I want to be reckless: flat out, tear her clothes off and fuck her through the wall type reckless. Effy looks over at me for a moment and then looks away again and says, "It's complicated. She's complicated."

Before I have a chance to follow that up with another question a loud voice rings out, "Let's go fucking mental!" It's the guy sitting next to Naomi.

"That's Cook," Effy says in my ear, "he's on the team, too. The only one not here is JJ. He's not much for crowds any more." Cook is fairly tall, well built, with shaggy brown hair. He looks like he is a few rounds ahead of the rest of us, even giving Naomi a run for her money. Katie is giving him a good look anyway, though. Yes, she is here, too. She came to dinner with Effy and me, regaled us with stories of her afternoon and the members of her new team, and then invited herself along as soon as she heard that we were coming here tonight. Not one to miss out on a potential piss up, our Katie.

It was something to behold when Katie and Effy met. You could almost see the sparks fly between them. They were like cats circling each other, claws half out just in case. Katie likes to think of herself as the hottest babe around, and I admit that she often is. But even she had to agree that Effy is a stunner. It was funny to watch them check each other out – Katie who never shuts up and Effy who almost never speaks. They seem to have reached a truce of sorts, at least for now. It helps that Katie is focused on checking out the available talent at the bar instead of on trying to out alpha-dog Effy.

Effy has just appeared back at our table with another round of tequila, three shots each. I was so focused on Naomi that I hadn't even noticed her leave. As I reach for a shot I see the guy, Cook, walk up to a microphone that is set up on a small raised stage of sorts. "Alright, ladies and gents, the wait is over. It's Karaoke time!"

A loud roar of approval goes up. Karaoke? Really? I look over at Effy and she just smirks. Obviously, this is not a surprise to her. It seems pretty crazy to me to be doing that in the middle of what is basically a war zone, but I guess you have to take your mental health breaks where and when you can. It's not like there are a lot of options for letting loose any more. From the steady stream of wankers signing up to take a turn this seems to be a fairly regular event here.

First up is a woman singing "You Give Me Fever." "She's good." Effy says. I agree. She's different, but really good. The sound system is pretty crap, unfortunately, but it is good enough for karaoke, I suppose.

"Oooo. He's well fit!" That's Katie, staring at a good looking guy by the bar. "What happened to Thomas?" I say, nudging her with my shoulder. "Girlfriend. Panda or something odd like that. Excitable and kinda strange. Weird dress sense. She's a decoder. I work with her, too." I can tell that she is disappointed. I think she may have really liked Thomas. "I'm sorry, Katie. That's too bad." Katie just looks at me for a second, as if she is trying to figure out if I'm taking the piss. "Yeah" she says finally. "He was sweet." I see a flash of something cross her eyes, but I can't quite read what it means. That's a really odd feeling for me. We used to be so close, Katie and I. But we have both grown up a lot over the past years, and as part of that, we have grown apart, a lot more than I would like.

Someone's butchering "Piano Man" now. It's so bad it is almost funny. That song is a secret guilty pleasure of mine, although I would never willingly admit it.

"Right. Enough of this. Time to make some new friends." There's my Katie back. She has a glimmer in her eye, and she's locked on target. It's nice to see her smile again. She's had a harder time than me adjusting to everything that has changed in our lives, and I know she misses Mom and Dad, even James. For all her brashness and bluster, she has a soft heart, my sister.

Oh fuck me blue, now it's Céline Dion. I mean seriously, why would someone _do_ that? Jesus, even the original was bad, but this is just excruciating. I turn away from the stage and once again my eyes catch on Naomi. I can't seem to stop watching her. She's tossing back shots like they are water, and getting more obviously drunk by the minute. She has spent most of the night talking with Cook whenever he wasn't playing MC. It seems like he is trying to cheer her up, but he's not having much success.

I check out the track list. I don't sing much, but I can carry a tune if I have to. Maybe "At Last"? I love Etta James. On the other hand, I am not really drunk enough, and maybe my first night on base isn't the best time to embarrass myself quite so completely. My decision not to sing is confirmed when the next guy gets up. He kicks into "99 Problems", and oh my sweet fuck is he good! No way am I going to try to follow him. I fucking love this song, too. I can barely keep still in my chair, especially when I notice the two very good looking women who are dirty dancing just to the left of the stage. Totally hot. They almost look like they should be flying. I sit back and revel in the music and the dancing for as long as it lasts. I'm pretty sure the dirty grin on my face shows exactly what I have been thinking as I watched that little display. Like I said, only human!

Just then I see Naomi stand up, leaning on her table for support. "Uh oh. Shit, here we go," I hear Effy mutter.

"What do you mean?"

"You'll see. He won't be able to stop her tonight." Cryptic much, Effy?

Next thing I know, Naomi is up on the stage. Cook is trying to get her to sit back down, but she won't do it. She just keeps saying, "Play it Cook". Finally, she gets pissed off and walks over and starts the music herself. She weaves her way back to the mic and starts to sing.

_You took my hand_

_You showed me how_

_You promised me you'd be around_

I damn near fall off my chair. Her voice is really good, a bit raspy, but rich, like the sound of whiskey and cigarettes. And those eyes. Sweet merciful fuck, those eyes. I feel every inch of my 5' 2" frame shudder, and it has nothing to do with the temperature. It has to do with the pain that just radiates from her eyes. Naomi takes a long pull on a bottle of beer she's grabbed from somewhere. She stumbles a little bit, but uses the mic stand to balance herself. Jesus, it's amazing that she can stand up at all.

_I wish I could touch you again_

_I wish I could still call you friend_

_I'd give anything_

Her voice breaks then, and she doesn't get out the next few lines. I have stopped breathing, holding it in to help urge her on. She takes another swig of beer and wipes her arm across her eyes. Then she throws her head back and really starts to belt it out. Everything else has fallen away. The only thing I am aware of is her, and her voice. I lean forward, trying by sheer force of will to help her get through the song. What the hell is this? Five minutes ago all I wanted to do was fuck her senseless, and now… now every fibre of my being just wants to go throw my arms around her and hold her tight, to help keep the demons at bay, to try to make her feel better even just for a moment.

_That last kiss, I'll cherish_

_Until we meet again_

_And time makes _

_It harder_

_I wish I could remember_

_But I keep_

_Your memory_

_You visit me in my sleep_

The song isn't quite over, but Naomi walks from the stage, losing her balance a bit on the way. Cook tries to give her a hand, but she just shoves him away. He stands there watching as she goes, before starting to follow her at a distance. She is holding the wall so that she can stay on her feet, tears streaming down her face unchecked as she walks out of the bar.

The bar is almost silent. You can feel the empathy in the room. Everyone here has something to be sad about, to mourn for, since the Crash. But there's something about how Naomi sang that song that tells me her story is different. She's different. And I want to know more. I want to know it all.

I turn to Effy and ask, "Will she be alright?" Effy is still looking at the door, even though Naomi is long out of view. It takes her a second, but eventually she answers. "Cook will stay with her tonight. I'll see you tomorrow. Breakfast at 9, briefing at 10." And then she heads out of the bar herself.

It's not until I'm looking for Katie a few minutes later to let her know that I'm heading back to my room that I realize that Effy didn't actually answer my question.

**X X X**

**Yes, I know, I made Naomi sing. But this was one of the three scenes that popped into my head and wouldn't let me go, so I really had no choice.**

**For those who are wondering: You Give Me Fever, esdiferente, The Avalanche Has Already Started; Piano Man, unknownstuntman, Tales from the Firehouse; Céline Dion, Miss Marauder, Manifolds; At Last, BlueEyedFrog, Some People Have Real Problems; and last, but definitely not least, 99 Problems, HyperFitched, I Hold a Force I Can't Contain and 99 Problems.**

**These writers have given me more enjoyment over the past year through their writing than I can possibly express. This little wink to them is my way of saying thanks. **

**It will be a week or so before I can update again, but I'll be back. In the meantime, if you feel inclined, drop a review. All constuctive comments very gratefully received.  
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	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Thank you for the alerts and the kind reviews, and especially for the support from my twitter pals. I hope this one meets expectations!**

**Chapter 3 ****–**** The Briefing**

**Naomi**

All I do is shift a bit as I start to wake up, but sweet Christ it's like someone is stabbing me in the head with a pickaxe. I haven't even opened my eyes yet to see the cracked, chipped ceiling I have come to know so well, and still everything hurts. Fuck's sake, even my hair hurts. You would think the hangovers would get easier after a while, but they don't. I need coffee - or at least the swill that passes for it these days. And a shower would be heaven. Fucking hell, please let there be running water today. We run water in from the river, use it as is for showers and boil it for the kitchens. If the pipes get blocked or the pump fails and the pressure drops, they turn off the taps to the showers until its sorted. Happens a lot more often that I like. Just one more in a long line of hassles we deal with every day. Could be worse, I suppose. At least we don't have to actually carry the water up from the river.

I try to roll out of bed and bump right into Cook. Shit. That can't be good. He normally just tucks me in and heads back to his own room when I get a little out of hand. I must have done something truly over the edge last night to make him worry enough to stay. I can't deal with whatever it was right now, so I carefully slip out past him. I know I owe him better than that, but I really don't want to get into it all again.

I realize that I am only wearing knickers and an old grey vest top. I wonder whether I did that, or Cook did. Doesn't much matter, really. We have seen enough of each other naked over the years that we hardly even notice any more. It's hard to avoid when you are working in close quarters. I know he would never take advantage anyway. He is like a brother to me. Only better. We are family by choice, Eff, JJ, Cook and me, we all are. That is the best kind.

I grab some clothes from the floor and put them on, not much caring whether they are clean or not. I am going to have to suck it up and do some laundry pretty soon, but I just can't get it together to haul everything down to the river to deal with it. I take one last look back at Cook before I go. He is sleeping so peacefully, curled up on his side around a pillow, hair going in all directions, the top of his ridiculous tattoo barely showing above the sheet that is bundled across his hips. He looks like a little boy when he is like that, like the boy I first met at school so many years ago. I flash back to our first day at college. Cook made a play for me, but it was short lived. I am definitely Y-chromosome-intolerant. I remember him telling me that I should have a "willy-waggle with the Cookie monster" and he would make me feel good. I slapped him back with some line about his tongue, staples and a cement mixer - some fucked up analogy I can't even remember now it has been so long. Whatever it was, he loved it. I thought he was going to choke to death he ended up laughing so hard. Ever since then he has been my best friend. He pretty much saved my sanity after… yeah, he has been a really good friend.

I find myself thinking about how much he has changed, and yet how much he is still exactly the same. JJ is still his brother in every way that counts. And Effy is still his soul mate. Their history is pretty messed up. Both JJ and Cook fell in love with her and she fell in love with someone else. It almost tore us all apart. But that was a long time ago. Effy and Cook are as close now as two people can be. And JJ, he is special that guy; incredibly smart and sweet, but also incredibly awkward. He has Asbergers', and can get locked on from time to time when he gets flustered or surprised. And some of the shit we went through just after the Crash messed him up pretty hard. But I know without doubt that he would do anything for all three of us.

When the Crash hit we were all still in college. We pulled together to take care of each other and our families. The first months were just hell. We didn't know what we were doing and it showed. There were a lot of days without food, water. And a lot of moments when I wasn't at all sure that we were going to survive. But we got better. We each found what we were good at, mostly by accident or necessity. I have never seen someone so calm in the face of blood and wounds as Effy. She really blew me away with how cool she was under fire. Cook has eyes like a hawk and is strong as an ox. It doesn't hurt that he can break into pretty much anywhere, too, no matter how well it is locked up. He made good use of the short time he spent in jail, and that skill helped us get a lot of supplies we would not have had otherwise in the early days. JJ's skill with computers and explosives has saved us more than once since the world went tits up, too, and me - well, it turns out I am a ridiculously good shot. No idea why. It just comes naturally for some reason. Not a skill I like having. Let's face it - there is only one real use for it and it involves shooting, and generally killing people. But that skill has saved not only our lives a number of times, but a lot of other lives too. And so, I made my peace with it.

Our little gang did better than most because we were such a good team. We added some members now and then, not often, and always people we were involved with or connected to in some way. We started to get a bit of a reputation, which was both good and bad. Good, because the weaker factions would steer clear of us. But bad, because the bad-asses saw us as a challenge that would improve their own reputations if they took us out. Eventually we connected with one of the militias, thinking that combining forces could only help us. And they helped us get our families North to some degree of safety. The rest is history. A fucked up history for sure, but what isn't these days.

I struggle to pull my mind back from reminiscing to the present. We have a team briefing in an hour to meet the new guy who is replacing Freddy. I didn't know Freddy well, and didn't care to, but he had fit in pretty well all things considered. Now that he went and got himself shot we need another Comms Tech. It's like that position is fucking cursed with us. So, apparently the new guy arrived yesterday and I have to meet him this morning as well as covering the normal info updates and strategy stuff. I better get moving. I definitely need that shower and pseudo-coffee before I take that on.

**X X X**

I grab a mug of coffee crap from the mess and head towards the briefing room. I look around the small, blue room and realize that I am the first one to arrive. Unusual these days. I really need to sit down, so I walk to the desk at the end of the room - the only piece of furniture that hasn't been burned for heat or salvaged for use in one of the ops units - and sit down on top of it, legs crossed, clutching my coffee in both hands, hunching into myself. I really do feel like crap. The shower helped a bit, but my head is just freaking pounding and I have a bit of the shakes.

I close my eyes and take a sip. At soon as the hot liquid hits my tongue I groan with pleasure. Oh my sweet Jesus it is real coffee. Like, made from an actual coffee bean coffee and not some roasted-grain-shit substitute. One of the recon teams must have hit the mother load. Is there anything on earth better than the first sip of a really strong cup of honest-to-god coffee when you are hung-over? I take a moment to savour the feeling. When I open my eyes, I almost fall off the desk. Standing in front of me is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. She is small, tiny almost, with long reddish hair – auburn, I guess you'd call it – and big, soft brown eyes. She is standing there, smiling shyly, looking a little awkward, right leg crossed in front of left.

"This is Emily, the new Comms Tech."

Jesus! I didn't even notice that Effy was there until she spoke. I must have jumped about a foot. I try to snap out of the daze that I have fallen into. "Oh. Yeah. Ok. Um, I'm Naomi. Naomi Campbell."

I see a little half-smile grow across Emily's face. She looks up at me from under her fringe, reaching out her hand, "nice to meet you, Naomi." Her voice… it's lovely, low and throaty. The jolt I feel when I take her hand startles me. I can feel a buzz right up past my elbow. I look up from our clasped hands and catch her equally startled eyes. For just a moment, we both freeze, our eyes locked together, blue on brown. Fucking hell. I drop her hand like it's on fire, and shove myself further back onto the desk, away from her. My reaction to her is so not okay that I can feel myself starting to freak out.

Then it hits me. I swing my head to Effy, jumping off the desk and taking a step towards her at the same time, glaring, the anger now coming off of me in waves. "Our new Comms Tech, Effy? Her?" I point back at Emily, but don't take my eyes of Effy's for even a second. "What. The actual. Fuck?"

Effy just gives me an annoying fucking smirk and says, "Hey, I'm just the tour guide."

I hear Emily again, "Is there a problem?"

Before I get a chance to answer either of them Cook and JJ come through the door, Cook making his usual over-the-top entrance. "Hello ladies, fucking beautiful day, innit?" As he enters the room I see him clock the new arrival. "Whoa, nice one! Helloooo, Red!"

Emily looks between them, a little bemused, and then just says, "I'm Emily. Comms." Cook fires a look at me when he hears that. I can tell that he is worried, but he doesn't say anything. I turn back to Effy, looking for answers but she is ignoring me, watching the JJ and Cook show instead.

I see JJ walk towards Emily and shake her hand. "I'm JJ. With regard to mathematic aptitude I'm in the top 0.3% of the population which is an interesting demographic statistic because paradoxically my communication interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards the lower quartiles."

"Um, okay," Emily says, "Nice to meet you." She is a little taken aback, but still polite.

"I'm Cook. But you can call me the Cookie Monster." He is back to his usual dick-splash ways, but I can tell that he is doing it to cover the fact that I am just standing here like an idiot. Fuck. This is _not_ happening.

Then I hear the sound of heels clacking into the room. Holy fuck – there's two of them? My head is swinging back and forth between Emily and the new arrival trying to figure out if I am having some kind of weird DTs. But as I look, I realize that they are not identical. Not at all. I mean, aside from the obvious clothing differences – the new one is wearing a short, black, pencil skirt and red heels, while Emily is in faded basic fatigues and scuffed up boots – Emily is a little smaller, her face less round, her eyes much more beautiful. Whoa. Stop it. Stop it. STOP IT, Campbell!

"Emily, I need your ration card."

"Hi Katie, lovely to see you, too. Sure, you can meet my new team-mates, I'd love to introduce you."

"Emily, stop being a cunt and give me your card."

"Katie, this is Cook, JJ, Naomi, and you've met Effy. Everyone, this is Katie, my twin sister."

"Well, hello, Katiekins," says Cook. He is such a horn dog. I mean, not two minutes ago he was trying it on with Emily. Katie shuts him down hard. "Yeah, hi, whatever," she says, dismissing Cook with a look and turning back to Emily. "I still need your card, so…" Cook just howls – I mean, literally howls, and then starts laughing. I see Emily pass over her ration card. She looks pissed, but she doesn't say a word. "See ya lezzer." Katie pockets the card and swishes her way towards the door.

Emily throws her hands in the air in frustration. "Oh, fucking fantastic Katie, that's definitely how I wanted to be outed to my new team, you cow." I am just looking at her, floored. Fuck me. She's gay, too. I realize Effy is watching me now, checking my reaction. She knew. She bloody well knew and didn't tell me. What the fuck is that about?

"Oy, Blondie! One of yours!" Of course, bloody fucking Cook couldn't let that pass, even knowing how pissed I would be about this he just can't help himself. I see Emily's eyes snap to me, watch her process this new information. She runs her hands through her hair, and looks down at the floor. "Sorry about Katie. She can be a bit of a bitch sometimes, but she is my sister." She sneaks a look back up at me with a load of questions in her eyes. The tension in the room is suffocating, and I am pretty sure it is all coming from me.

"Alright, if the Fitch family soap opera is over now do you think we can get to work?" My walls are up in full force, dragons breathing fire all over the place, and my voice is like steel. I move to the white board and start the briefing, but the whole time I can feel two sets of eyes boring into me – Effy and Emily. I am not sure which one is worse.

**X X X**

**Drop a review if you are so inclined. It helps to hear what you think works (or doesn****'****t).**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for the lovely reviews, alerts and hits. It****'****s a little nerve-wracking to post, so the kinds words and support are very much appreciated. I should tell you that I have never been to Bristol and I am not an electronics engineer or weaponry expert, all of which may be obvious as you read this chapter. I have googled and wiki****'****d my little heart out to try to get the details right, but if there are mistakes, please just write them off as artistic license. Thanks! Enjoy.**

**I don****'****t own Skins. Bummer.**

**Chapter 4 ****–**** What She Wants**

**Emily**

The briefing was pretty routine. We're going on a recon mission later this morning to clear a hospital complex that recently came back under militia control. Naomi was pretty good leading the briefing: clear, concise, no fuss, no muss. She had answers for the couple of questions we came up with, and from a tactical point of view did everything I expected. But she took off as soon as she stopped talking, not even a "good-bye" or "see ya later." And Effy wasn't much better, heading out the door just a second or two after Naomi. I decided to follow her, because something is obviously seriously out of whack and I need to know what it is.

"Effy, wait," I yell.

She's about 50 feet ahead of me in the hallway. She stops, turning slightly to look at me over her shoulder. I keep walking until I catch up with her. "What was that back there, with Naomi at the start of the meeting? Why'd she freak out like that?"

"Like I told you, it's complicated. She's complicated. Just give it time."

"Just give it time? Effy, she looked like she wanted me to shrivel up and die!"

"Mmm. Yeah. That's definitely not what she wants. You need to go back to JJ now and get kitted out. We leave in an hour." And with that and a look that tells me absolutely sweet fuck all, Effy turns around and walks away, leaving me standing in the hallway wondering what the hell is going on.

* * *

><p><strong>Naomi<strong>

"What the fucking hell, Kieran?" I am in the command centre for the base, which is on the second floor of what is left of the old Royal Marines Reserves building at Dorset House. The base basically takes in all the buildings in the area. What used to be a quadrangle of back flower gardens now holds the base food gardens. Once the militia ran out of airplane fuel, it made sense to move away from the airfield, and closer to accessible water. The River Avon is close by here, as is the Clifton Bridge to cross it. I had left the briefing room at Engineer's House like a bat out of hell as soon as I could and headed straight here. Despite the walk, I am still a wreck, and I am still totally pissed off.

"Lower your fookin' voice, and don't you ever come into this room without knockin' again or I'll have you working convoy patrols so fast your head'll never stop spinnin'. Better yet, I'll put you on farm protection and you can spend your days breathin' in cow shite! You may be as good as a daughter to me, Naomi, but not even you get away with behaving like this." Kieran's accent gets stronger when he gets mad, and he is definitely mad.

I try to get a hold of myself, and I lower my voice as ordered. I take a deep breath, and try to make myself sound at least a little bit reasonable. "You can't assign Emily Fitch to my team, Kieran! That _cannot_ happen."

"Naomi, you have to get over this. You've had six months, and I can't keep protecting you anymore. Fitch is a good tech, the best we have available. From an ops point of view this is a no brainer. I was willing to indulge you on this for a while, but time's up, lass."

"But Kieran, you know…"

"Naomi, I know this is difficult for you, but she is the best Comms Tech available right now. She's experienced and competent and from what I hear, one of the nicest people around. Not hard to look at, either."

"That's my whole point, Kieran!" I am yelling again, but Kieran lets that go. "Ah. I see. You're attracted to her, then?" he asks instead. He sounds happy about it, the fucker.

"Of course I'm bloody attracted to her, Kieran, have you _seen_ her? I may be a walking disaster zone, but I still have a fucking pulse you know. She's stunning! For fuck's sake I cannot handle this. I can't. You _know_ that. You have to assign her somewhere else."

With a hint of sadness in his eyes, he interrupts me. "My decision is final, Naomi. She stays. You may not have to respect my decisions as a step-father, but you will respect my decisions as your Commander. Now, you have a mission to prepare for, so get out of my office and start figurin' out how you're goin' to make this work. I have work to do, and so do you."

I can tell by his voice that the conversation is over. I storm out of his office, slamming the door behind me. Shitting hell. I am going to be stuck with her. I need some time to wrap my head around this before the mission starts. The park. I need to get to the park. I have a bench there, next to the Clifton Observatory. It is where I go when I need to think, or just to be by myself. It does not take long to get there. The path through the woods is a bit overgrown now with grass and wildflowers. There are some fallen branches here and there, but it is still pretty easy to follow. There is only one tricky part, where a small stream has managed to gouge a pretty decent sized channel that I have to jump. The banks of it are a slippery clay and every now and then I wind up on my ass. Not today, though. The hard part is actually where it used to be open field. That is totally overgrown now, with the grasses almost as high as my chest in some places, and new growth trees fighting for room to grow. As far as I can tell, I am the only person who bothers trying to fight through it. I come here so often these days that I could find my way in the dark. The peace and solitude are worth it to me.

I finally arrive at the bench, breathing hard and sweating. I have cleared the space around it over the past months, so I can sit comfortably and look out over the river. I sit, with my head in my hands. My heart is beating a mile a minute. I have to relax. Okay. Just breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Nice and easy. Come on, Campbell, you can do this. I lock my eyes on the Clifton Bridge, use it as a focus point to help calm my racing mind. Slowly I can feel myself loosen up. The panic attack is ending, thank god. I wipe my forehead on my sleeve and rest my arms on my knees, looking down at my beat up boots.

All I can think of are images of Emily Fitch, flashbacks to the jolt I felt when our hands touched, to the spark I felt when our eyes locked. It has been months since I felt attraction to anyone, and almost never have I felt an attraction so strong and instantaneous. I can't sit still anymore, so I start to pace instead. Okay, I can do this. Fuck, I have taken on some of the most dangerous men in Britain and won. Surely to fuck I can handle one small, beautiful bundle of redhead, no matter how cute she may be. I just have to block her out. How hard can that be? I will just keep my distance, stay professional, and stay as far away from her as I can whenever I can. I don't have to be her friend, and I sure as hell don't have to be anything more than that. Okay. That's the plan. She is my Comms Tech. That's it, that's all. That is all I will let her be. No problem. No sweat. Yeah. Fuck.

* * *

><p><strong>Emily<strong>

Naomi is back from wherever she took off to, and we're all mustered by the Range Rovers we'll be taking out. She blew into the motor pool in a hellacious hurry, snapped out to Cook that he would be riding with her as driver, with Effy driving the other vehicle, JJ navigating, and me on the machine gun. Cook tried to argue that he rides with JJ, but she cut him off. Effy started to argue the point and Naomi shut her down with a sharp, "I'm not talking to you." Effy just quirked an eye-brow at her, and then slowly turned and ambled toward the second Rover. There's a lot of history there, I think.

After that, Naomi started the most detailed vehicle check I have ever seen. Jesus, she practically checked every nut and bolt on the damn things. Finally she decided that they were okay and we loaded up. She didn't say a word to me or even acknowledge that I was there the whole time, which is going to get really old really fast if she keeps it up.

A couple of hours later we're on the road to the old hospital. It recently changed hands and is now just inside the area the Bristol militia more or less controls. The theory is that the guerillas may have left some useful supplies when they had to bug out. The area isn't really secure yet, which is why they're sending in a combat team. The ride has been pretty boring, although watching JJ navigate old school-style is pretty cool. No such thing as a GPS any more, obviously. The same thing that wiped out the cellular networks took out the GPS systems, too. The satellites they relied on are still up there, but they're just space junk now. They got fried in the Crash and there's no way to fix them. Not a lot of road signs still hanging around either, so JJ's working with a map, a compass, a timer and a note pad filled with so many math calculations they look like rocket science to me. Still, as far as I can tell he hasn't steered us wrong yet. He's an odd guy, but impressive.

After I went back to find him at the briefing room, he escorted me around to find body armour and weapons for me, each of which was stored in a different building around the base. The first stop was for armour. JJ showed me to a large open room filled end to end with rows of 4x8 tables. It looked like a GI Joe convention exploded in there. Bits and pieces of armour covered every available surface. We started the hunt for gear that would fit me, which was not exactly easy given my size. I found the neck and upper arm pieces fairly quickly, but it took a fair amount of trying on and taking off to find a vest and helmet that would do the job and let me move in them without drowning. Poor JJ - I accidentally flashed a boob at him when my shirt rode up as I was taking off a vest piece and I thought he was going to hyperventilate. I don't think I've ever seen anyone turn quite that shade of red before.

The armoury was next, one building over. There was a pretty eclectic collection of small arms and rifles, as well as some more unusual items, like cross-bows and machetes. No thanks. Not my style. I grabbed an old, but very well cared for Walther PPK and an M4 carbine that must have been salvaged from one of the U.S. bases. We picked up the appropriate ammo, and JJ kindly carried most of the gear while we headed to the communications depot to grab the equipment we would need for the mission.

That room was another amazing sight. Every sort of old-style radio-based technology was represented in some way, from CB radios to walkie-talkies to a handful of more complex UVH based systems. Line of sight radio communications started working again about a year after the Crash. But by then so much equipment had been stolen or trashed that even now it's a bit like a jigsaw puzzle to try to cobble together a reliable system. A couple of guys were working away doing repairs and refits on the various units for just that reason. JJ told me that there are a few established radio receiver-transmitter units permanently loaded on the base vehicles. But for individual comms, each member of a team carries a modified walkie-talkie / CB hybrid that's programmed to transmit to, and receive from, the units used by the other members of the team. I got a basic walk-through on how it all worked, so that I could make repairs on the fly if we hit a snag. But the technology is actually pretty simple stuff. That's the only kind that still works. And of course, I'll have JJ there to help if I need it.

The drive so far has been typical: manoeuvre around IED holes in the road and abandoned or burned out cars, trucks and buses; steer clear of any building that might hide a sniper; and bounce around like a bobblehead over the bumps and debris. It's a damn good thing I don't get motion sick or things would be getting pretty colourful right about now. JJ signals Naomi that we're getting close. The plan is simple. Go in, check the place out as fast as we can, radio in for a collection team if we find anything good, and get the hell out in one piece. Simple to say, not necessarily simple to do. The place is going to be a maze of potential hiding places and booby-traps, and we have to be on alert for the bad guys to pop up at any time.

A few minutes later we pile out of the two Range Rovers. We're at one of the side entrances to the central building of the 6 story hospital complex. We can't use the main entrance because it has collapsed. It looks as though it took a direct hit from some kind of explosive, with broken concrete and twisted rebar creating an impassable web. It always surprises me how a building can take that kind of a hit in one area, and look untouched just around the corner. I can see that most of the glass in the windows on this side is cracked, probably from the shock of the explosion at the front, and there are more than a few pit marks that I recognize as being bullet holes, but other than that, from this angle you'd swear this place had never seen a battle.

I realize as I'm looking around that I'm a little nervous. It's my first mission with this team, and I don't want to mess it up. "Cook, you are with JJ. Effy, you take Emily. Emily, you do exactly what Effy tells you to do." Naomi's still obviously upset with me, although I'm no closer to understanding why. She's treating me like an unpinned grenade, as though she's almost scared to be near me. It's really weird. It's also really screwing up the team. The tension is ridiculously high.

"I want you guys to check Casualty, X-ray and the labs. Once you finish that, if we are still all clear, head up to the wards. Split up and cover as much ground as you can as fast as you can. Check in by walkie if you find anything or you run into any problems. I'll take lookout and cover the exit route." Naomi seems almost relieved to watch us go.

The tension from being around Naomi and her mood is lessening as we move into the complex, but it's being replaced by the stress and heightened awareness that comes with being in this place. It's eerily quiet inside. The sounds of our boots echo strangely in the empty halls, and it's more than a little spooky. Where there are windows, the sunlight gives us pretty decent visibility, but in the interior sections we are going to have to work with the head lamps on our helmets and the torches on our rifles. Not exactly how I prefer it. Everywhere we look we can see old blood stains, and soiled instruments and bandages left behind from the last time this place changed hands. You can almost feel the ghosts lingering.

"The Cookie Monster does not like this." That's the first thing Cook has said since we arrived, and it's strange to hear him speak in a whisper instead of at full roar. "Yup," I say, "I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." I toss out the old movie line to try to ease the tension a bit. Effy just looks at me like I'm nuts, but Cook starts to grin.

"Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night." That's Cook.

"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Me again.

"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse." Even JJ is playing along now, although I'm not quite sure how that one is supposed to fit.

We hit a T in the hallway, with the big lab complex to the left and a passageway to the other departments to the right. "JJ and me will take the lab," Cook says.

"Stay alive, I will find you." That one earns me an ever bigger grin from Cook. "Toosh," he says.

"You mean touché."

"Yeah, probably," Cook smiles and moves into the lab as Effy and I head farther up the hall. "I'll be back," he throws over his shoulder. He's a tosser, but I'm starting to like him.

Effy and I keep moving towards Casualty, with her in the lead. Now that we're alone, I realize that she moves like the wind. I can't believe anyone can make so little noise wearing combat boots. It's freaky. Of course, Effy is a little feaky all around, so I shouldn't be surprised. We're taking our time, clearing each corner and side passageway before we move forward. It takes a lot longer to do it that way, but I'm glad that she's so careful. Makes old age more likely for both of us. We finally hit the Casualty department. It has a huge waiting area, and behind that a door and see-through window leading to the reception desk. The interior is dark as hell, which is going to make this even harder than I thought it would be. We move through the door and past the reception desk, turning our lights to the underside of the desk to make sure no one is hiding behind it, and steadily work our way forward. We have to dodge bits of wiring and fluorescent fixtures that are dangling from the ceiling, piles of soiled sheets and bandages on the floor, and about a dozen gurneys, some upright, some on their sides, all showing damage or the gore of recent use. They all throw wild, jerking shadows from the beams of our lights as we move, making the whole thing frankly scary as fuck.

There's a ton of small exam rooms and supply closets on either side of the darkened hallway we're moving through, and we have to check each one before we can safely move on. It's slow and painstaking, but we're finally getting near to the end. I wipe the sweat from my brow - fuck it's hot in the armour. I'm just about to point out a sign for the x-ray wing when Effy drops into a crouch and signals me to drop and freeze. She's sighting down her weapon at a closet a few feet ahead and to our left. It is one that we haven't checked yet. She beckons me forward to the side of the closet, mouthing towards me that she heard a sound from in there. Oh, shit. We're going to have to open that door.

I take a deep breath and move as quietly as I can to the right side of the door, Effy moves into position in front, but slightly to the left of the door, to give herself a sight-line into the space as soon as the door starts to open. I can feel my heart beating hard, and hope it isn't obvious. I reach around and place my left hand very carefully on the handle, grabbing oh-so-lightly with just my thumb and index finger. The last thing I want to do is to accidently jiggle the knob before we're ready. I have my eyes locked on Effy waiting for her signal, and she has her rifle sighted square on the closet. I let out the breath I've been holding, and when she gaves me the barest nod of her head I swing the door open as fast as I can. I see a flurry of motion coming out of the door, and Effy's rifle swings left to follow it up the hall. Instantly I start moving into my firing crouch to back her up. By the time my brain catches up to wonder why she hasn't fired yet, I realize that what I saw move past us was a rat. A big mother of a rat, but still, just a rat.

Fuck me. I did _not_ need that little bit of adrenalin rush. I am standing there breathing hard, with my hand on my chest, trying to regain my composure. Effy on the other hand just relaxes her grip on her weapon and waves me back into our small formation so that we can finish the search. "Well, that was eventful," is all she says. Nerves of steel, that girl. Gotta say, I'm impressed. I just shake my head, smile a little ruefully, and fall into line.

Twenty minutes later we're back at the main entrance. The recon has been a bust. The place has been picked clean, which isn't really a surprise, but is still frustrating. Naomi doesn't bother to speak when we re-group, she just confirms the head count and then heads towards the Rovers. Of course, I'm assigned to Effy's truck again, not hers. I've pretty much had enough of being ignored, so I call out to her. "How'd things go on your end, boss?" She turns at the sound of my voice and looks at me. But all I get in return is a quick, dead-eyed "fine" and she turns back and heads towards the truck. I look at Cook, and he just shrugs and follows Naomi, climbing into the driver's side. Okay then.

So, Naomi is acting like a grade A bitch for some reason. Well, I survived growing up with Katie Fucking Fitch. After that, Naomi mardy-pants Campbell sure as hell isn't going to get the best of me. I'm just going to have to keep trying. Because bitch or not, I like her. I really do. She's incredibly beautiful, yes, but that's only part of it. I can't help thinking of the stories I heard about her over the years, not to mention the heart-crushing display she put on last night. There's just so much about her that intrigues me. I eye her as discretely as I can as she climbs into the Rover. It's a nice view. She reminds me of a panther – strong, graceful, powerful, and definitely not someone you ever want to piss off. I wish I knew what her problem with me is so I could fix it. Whatever it is, I'm not going to give up until we get past it. We need to find a way to work together, whatever bug is up her ass. Plus, I just want her to like me. I mean, aside from the fact that I'm attracted to her, I think it would also be nice just being with her. At least it would be if she'd stop being a prick for 5 minutes. In the meantime, no harm in looking, right? Nope, no harm at all.

**You can find the area Naomi describes by doing a google map search for Bristol Clifton Observatory. Put it on satellite and zoom in and you will even be able to see the path between the observatory and the Royal Marines Reserve building, which is up and to the right of the observatory.**

**Feel free to let me know what you liked, or didn****'****t, if you are so inclined. Thanks for reading.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Many thanks to MM for the great input and cheer-leading. And thanks to all you who have alerted and reviewed. The comments really do help make this a better story.**

**I don't own Skins, but I would help it over a fallen tree…**

**Chapter 5 - Changes**

"You're not speaking to me? Really, Naomi? That's how you want to play this?"

We are in my shitty little room. I came back here as soon as the mission was over. I have been trying to sort out my reactions to Emily Fitch. I mean, shit, just her asking me how it went on lookout almost did me in. The sound of her voice, coupled with her calling me Boss? I felt that in places I really don't want to be feeling things right now. So, I have been holed up here, huddled up on my bed. I even missed tea because I didn't want to risk running into her. And now Effy is here and I am not in the mood for that either. She didn't even bother to knock, for fuck's sake, just barged in and started giving me the gears.

"Fuck off, Effy. I don't want to see you right now."

"Whatever. You know as well as I do that I'm not leaving until we sort this out."

Shitting hell. I throw my best Campbell death glare at her, but it just bounces off her like water. She has never been intimidated by me, not since the first day we met. So, she just strolls over in that Effy way of hers and sits cross-legged on the bed at my feet, staring me down until I break eye contact. She is settling in as though this might be a long haul, and she pulls the frayed, gray blanket over her lap against the chill in the night air.

Fine. If she wants to do this, let's do this. "You knew she was assigned to the team. You knew she was gay. And you fucking well knew it would freak me out." If I can't get rid of her I am at least going to let her know how pissed I am that she kept me in the dark.

"All true," she replies evenly.

She is absolutely the most frustrating fucking woman in the world. "You didn't think I might want a head's up about any of that?" Her calm is starting to get to me, and it is starting to show. I hate that. I hate it when I show my weakness. But Effy seems to bring it out in me every damn time.

"Of course I thought you'd want to know. But Kieran asked me to take care of her for a reason, Naomi. And by the time I had finished touring her around last night you were already off your tits. I didn't see the point of trying to talk to you, let alone to introduce her to you when you were in that condition. And this morning, we did what I always do – had breakfast and then headed to the briefing room. If we had crossed paths with you I would have introduced you. We didn't. Shit happens." The direction to get over it is implicit, but pretty fucking clear. Unfortunately, Effy is not done with me yet. "What happened yesterday, Naomi?"

Oh hell. "Nothing."

"Right. You, "I am an island and I don't have feelings" Campbell just decided to sing your broken heart out in front of dozens of people for sport." No one does sarcasm quite like Effy.

"I did what?" I don't remember. I don't remember anything like that. Fucking hell, how out of it was I?

"You sang at karaoke night," Effy explains. I groan and bury my head in my pillow, realizing what a spectacle that would have been. "Cook tried to stop you," she continues, "but short of knocking you out there was no way. It was quite a show. So, you need to tell me, Nai, what happened, really?"

I think it is the gentleness in her voice that is most unsettling. I can feel myself start to tense just at the thought of talking about this. I twist the coarse blanket in my hands, and shift my position on the bed. I am literally squirming, and I have to concentrate to stop myself from jumping up and pacing across the small room. But this is Effy. I know she won't leave until I answer. And I know that she deserves to get one.

"I froze. With Freddie the other day. When the bullets started flying, I froze. It was just for a split second and then I snapped out of it, but for a moment it was like it was all happening again."

"The nightmares got worse?" Fuck, she knows me so well. She knows all about my nightmares. She has spent a lot of nights with me, calming me down after I woke up screaming.

"Yeah."

"So you stopped sleeping, and started drinking to block it out."

"That was the general idea, yeah." I sound pretty pathetic even to my own ears.

"Mmmm. How's that working out for you?" The words have sting, but the small smile she is giving me as she says it makes it okay.

"Not too well," I have to admit.

"It's not going to go away until you deal with it, you know. Emily isn't going away, either. You are going to have to face her sometime." Here we go. Now we are at the heart of it, what she is really here to talk to me about this time.

"It's too much, Effy. Too much, too soon. I can't handle it."

"Yes, you can. The only one who doesn't believe that is you. You need to work on that. Sooner rather than later." With that Effy seems to decide that she has said enough. She untangles herself from the blanket and heads to the door.

"Well, that's really fucking helpful, Eff. 'You really need to work on that.'" I imitate her as snidely as I can. I even make those irritating fake quote signs with my hands. "How exactly do I do that, if you're so fucking smart?" Jesus, like I need platitudes from her right now.

"I don't know, Nai. But I think letting yourself feel something again might be a start."

"Oh yeah? Like that worked so well for you?"

Effy just looks at me from the doorway. I have never before used her illness as a weapon against her. Thank god she knows me so well, and loves me so much. She just holds my eyes with hers and says, "What exactly do you think brought me back? I let myself care, Nai, about you, and the boys, Anthea, Tony - I let myself care and you became my way back. You should know that better than anyone."

She turns to leave, but hesitates just a bit, and turns back. "You are stronger than this, Naomi. It's time to show it. If not for your sake, then for the rest of us. It's been long enough." The guilt hits me like a wave. I know I have been hurting the team, my friends. I know they are worried; they have been for a long time.

"I'm not sure I can, Eff." Saying that out loud, admitting it to Effy of all people is overwhelming. Effy seems to know that, and answers quickly and firmly, "Well, I am. And I am all-seeing, after all..." She gives me the patented Effy smirk then, before she cocks her head and says, "Something to think about…"

"Yeah?" It comes out quietly, but she hears me.

"You're not drunk." Okay, now I am confused again. "What?"

"Emily has been here all of one day, you have known her for all of 12 hours, and tonight is the first night in weeks that you aren't drunk. Interesting, don't you think?" With that parting shot she steps out and shuts the door, leaving me gaping like a fish to mull her words for most of the night.

**X X X**

When morning comes, all I want to do is burrow back under the blankets and ignore the world. But I realize that Effy is right. I am the leader of this team, at least in name, and I owe it to the rest to get my shit together, and to at least try to find a way work with Emily. My problems have been their problems for long enough. That has to stop before one of screws up and someone gets hurt. I have to make it stop. So, instead of taking the prolonged nap that I want, I am up, showered, coffee'd and dressed in my usual t-shirt, cargo pants and boots, and I am on the hunt for the little Fitch. I realize that I am actually looking forward to seeing her. That is not something I want to feel, and it is making me as nervous as I can remember being in a long time. But I need to get this done. I have no idea what I am going to say when I find her. But Effy was right - Emily and I have to work together, so I'll just have to figure it out as I go.

Eventually one of the cooks tells me that Emily is working in the gardens, so I head that way. The gardens are actually quite lovely. Even this late in the season there is colour everywhere; row upon row of tomatoes and peppers, Brussels sprouts and cauliflower, squash and pumpkins, and every kind of greens you can imagine from spinach to lettuces, to radish and parsnip tops, and on and on. It is getting cold enough now that the above ground veg is almost gone, but it's still impressive to see. We'll be eating root veggies until we are sick of them soon, though.

I am making my way through the potato patch when I finally see Emily. She is crouched down among the beans a few rows over, hair pulled back into a loose ponytail, hands and her purple t-shirt covered in dirt, and sweat. Her face and neck shine with a light sheen that takes my breath away. I just stand there, watching her for a while. She is humming softly to herself, and obviously loving every minute of what she is doing. I don't think I have ever seen someone enjoy digging in dirt and weeding quite so much. I am quite sure that I have never seen anyone more beautiful.

"She's lovely." Oh great. Effy. And of course she saw me watching. Before I have a chance to answer and try to downplay what Eff just saw, we hear a yelp of pain. It's Emily. We both take off running towards her to find out what happened. When we get there, Emily is holding her left arm with her right, and there is blood everywhere. I am about to ask what happened when Effy starts in: "Sit down, put your arm over your head, head between your legs." Emily does what she is told, looking a little shocked at what is going on. "Okay, now tell me what happened while I get a look at this arm."

Emily's voice wafts up from between her legs. "I got stung by something," she nods her head towards her left shoulder, "and when I jumped I accidentally threw the shears up. The point caught my arm on the way down." Emily is talking about a wicked pair of 6 inch garden shears that are now lying at her feet. The cut on her arm is small, but looks deep.

"Naomi, go to my room and get my kit. We'll meet you in the head by the kitchen." That is Effy - taking control, like she always does when one of us gets hurt. I catch Emily's eye and tell her that I will be right back. I am not even sure why I feel the need to do that, but it seems important to let her know that I am there, and that I will be back. Even in pain, her eyes still manage to convey her gratitude, and that hits me like a brick. This is so not good.

I take off to get the medical kit. It does not take long before I am back at the kitchen washrooms as directed. The room is large, with a half a dozen or so stalls on the left, and walls covered with chipped blue tile. There are three white porcelain sinks to the right, all in pretty good shape, actually, although only one of the mirrors is still in one piece. Effy is already rinsing off the arm wound in the sink closest to the door. I have seen much worse over the years, but I am reacting as though it is practically life threatening. Two days I have known this woman and I am already over-reacting when she gets hurt.

Effy takes the med kit, digging out the antiseptic and starting to clean the cut. While she works she tells me to go to the kitchen to get some baking soda for a poultice for the sting. As I go I hear her tell Emily that the cut on her arm is going to need stitches. Jesus. Who would have believed that Emily was in more danger in the garden than on a mission? At least I know she is in good hands. Eff has stitched us up more times than I can count over the years. I have the scars to prove it.

When I get back from the kitchens, Effy talks me through mixing up the baking soda with some water in a small bowl to make a paste, and then tells me to rub it on Emily's shoulder where the bite is. It is just under and slightly to the left side of her very black bra strap, and there is no way I can do the job without having a really good view of her exceptional neck and upper back. And of course, I have to touch her. I gently pull her hair to the side, and reach out two fingers towards her back, trying to hide how much they are trembling. I apply the poultice on the sting as smoothly and quickly as I can. I can feel Emily's breath hitch when I touch her, and I pray that it is because the sting hurts and not because of me. It takes all of my concentration not to keep touching her once I start – her skin is warm and incredibly soft. Somehow I manage to stay somewhat professional and I step back to the far sink to wash my hands, taking the moment to catch my breath again. I am going to kill Effy when this is over. She knows exactly what she is doing, the bitch.

In the meantime, Effy has finished disinfecting the arm wound and is just about to start stitching. She is leaning low over Emily's arm with needle and thread in hand. Emily is visibly in pain, but she gives Effy the nod to go ahead. Just as she does, the door comes crashing open and Katie storms in yelling "Emily!" She is almost frantic.

"It's okay, Katie, I'm okay." Emily is trying to calm her sister down, but it's not really working.

"What the fuck, Emily, I go to get a cup of tea and they tell me you've been brought in here bleeding? What happened?"

"Tragic gardening accident," Emily says, trying to make light of it.

"Gardening? What the fuck were you doing gardening for fuck's sake?" Um, slightly missing the point, Katie.

"I like gardening, Katie, you know that. And I wanted to help out. I got stung by a bee or something and like a reject managed to cut myself with the garden shears. It's stupid, but I'm fine."

Katie shifts her focus to Effy then. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Effy just looks at her. I mean, she is sitting there with Emily's arm on her lap and a needle and thread in her hands. It is pretty clear what she is doing. "It's deep, so she's going to stitch me up, Katie."

"And who the fuck is she to do that?" It is kind of cool, actually, seeing Katie in full scale protection mode, but it isn't getting Emily's arm fixed up any quicker.

"It's okay, Katie. Effy's the team medic. She knows what she's doing." Katie looks Effy up and down at that, and whatever vibe Effy is giving off seems to do the trick.

"Alright then. But if you fuck it up you'll have me to answer to." Effy just tilts her head to the side and looks at Katie for a moment, with one eye brow quirked before turning her attention back to Emily and getting to work.

Emily's jaw clenches hard as the needle slips under her skin, and before I really think about it I give her my hand to squeeze. Katie shoots me a look at that, but doesn't say anything. Emily doesn't open her eyes, but her she grips hard and keeps holding on until the stitches are in and Effy has finished putting on a bandage. As the stitches are going in, Emily furrows her eyebrows and scrunches up her little nose. I know I should not be thinking this, especially when she is obviously in a lot of pain, but sweet Jesus I think she may be the cutest human being on earth.

The stitches are finally in and Emily is letting me go. She practically has to pry her fingers off one by one. I think my hand will be numb for a week. As I am shaking it out, I hear her say thank you, first to Effy and then to me. I realize that I have been way to close to her for way too long, so I just nod and start backtracking to the door. I am almost free and clear when Katie chimes in again. "Hey, why don't we all grab dinner together? Thomas and Panda will be coming, and it's about time Emily met them properly."

"Sounds like fun." Effy, you traitorous cow, I really am going to kill you.

"Naomi, will you join us?" That is Emily. Now there is no way I can get out of this without making it obvious and rude. Bloody hell. "Sure. Yeah." I shoot a glare at Effy, "Sounds like fun."

So, here we are, the eight of us, sitting around a cafeteria style table in the mess hall. The place actually reminds me a lot of our old college cafeteria. Emily, Katie, Panda and Thomas are on one side, across from me, Effy, Cook and JJ respectively. We have all finished the veggie stew that was on today's menu, and are sipping the last of our tea. It has been a pretty nice meal. Cook made a comment about stitches for Fitches right off the top. It made Emily laugh, but Katie didn't seem to be impressed. Then he decided to be his usual twat self and hit on Panda right in front of Thomas. I think Panda missed it completely, but Thomas was not amused. Interesting guy, though. He just very quietly informed Cook that Panda was his girlfriend, and stared Cook down until he backed off and moved his sights onward. I only know Thomas as the guy who DJs most of the dance nights at the bar. But I have to give him props for how he handled Cook. No bluff, no bluster, just a very clear "stay away from my girlfriend" message and he had Cook taken care of. Impressive.

I tuned out the conversation when it turned to some version of "make up tips in the post-Crash age". Katie's influence, of course. Instead, I have been just watching. The whole dynamic is a little weird. Katie's watching Thomas, Thomas is watching Panda, Panda is spacing out all over the place and saying "bonkers" a lot – from another planet, that girl, but she seems nice. Cook is watching Katie, and Effy is watching Cook watching Katie. Then there is JJ who is watching Emily, which is frankly starting to piss me off. I'm not sure who Emily is watching because I am making sure not to watch her at all. I am trying very, very hard to ignore the fact that she is sitting just across from me, with her legs just inches from my own.

So, it's obvious that Katie is interested in Thomas. I am sure that if Panda wasn't in the picture she would be all over him. Can't say that I blame her. He is a good looking guy, and seems to be a real gentleman. Cook watching Katie is just to be expected. She is new, she is sex on legs, and he is Cook. But Effy I can't figure out. I am about to think through that in more detail when I am pulled out of my musings by Emily's voice. "I don't really miss the make-up, but it's too bad we can't get hair dye anymore. I liked it when my hair was really red. But we haven't seen any of that for years now."

"You can make a red hair dye with beet and carrot juice." Why the fuck did that come out of my mouth? I cannot believe I just said that out loud. But it is too late. Emily is already asking if I am serious, and she is obviously excited at the idea.

"Um. Yeah. My mom told me about it. I don't know if it works or not, but that is what she said." I am staring at the table top, but I can still feel every eye on me.

I hear Emily's throaty voice chime in almost pleadingly, "Would you show me?"

How do I get myself into these things? All I had to do was keep my big mouth shut and the conversation would have moved on and everything would have been fine. Instead, here I am with no viable way to get out of this. I can fucking feel Effy smirking at my discomfort. I don't even need to look to know she's doing it.

"Okay. Yeah, I guess I can do that."

So, now here I am back in the garden with Emily pilfering beets and carrots. One of the dishwasher guys owes me a favour, and he is going to juice them for us. We don't need much, just a half a cup of each. When we have enough veggies we walk back through the pea gravel garden pathways to the kitchen to drop them off. It only takes a few minutes before my buddy is back with a glass bowl and a measuring cup full of juice.

"What do we do now?" Emily asks.

"Um, well, if I remember right, you pour it over damp hair, and then sit in the sun for an hour, and then wash it out."

"Oh," Emily says. When I look over, I can see she looks a little disheartened.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"Well," she says, "I'm just not quite sure if I will be able to manage with this." She lifts up her bandaged arm to show me what she means. Of course. She can't get the bandage wet.

"Do you think Katie might help you?" Nice, Naomi. Really nice. But I need to not be around this girl any longer if I can help it.

"I don't think so. She had to go back to work." Shit. She is looking at me with those damned puppy dog brown eyes of hers. How the fuck am I supposed to say no when she is doing that?

"I guess I can help, if you want." That must have been the most unenthusiastic offer Emily has ever got, but she leaps all over it.

"Could you? That would be awesome, Naomi. I would really appreciate it." Right. So I am going to have to dye Emily Fitch's hair. Sweet fucking Christ.

We have moved over to an area outside the mess where they have a couple of old picnic tables set up. We figure that if Emily lies down on the table part, with her head hanging over the bench part, I can put the bowl on the bench under her head and pour the juice over her hair and into the bowl. Then I just have to pour it back from the bowl into the cup and do it all again a few times so it has a chance to really soak in.

"Okay, Emily, up you go." She climbs a little awkwardly onto the table, being able to use only one hand slowing her down a bit. Once she is in position, I put the bowl under her head and stand behind her looking down. "You ready?" She gives me a smile, and a nod. I start pouring the juice through her hair, with the cup in my right hand. I am trying not to notice how she looks lying down, especially how her t-shirt hugs her curves just so, and how the v neck has shifted just a little bit to the left. I am certainly trying not to notice how her pants sit on her hips, or how her neck curves when her head leans back over the edge of the table. Hell, I am trying not to notice anything about her.

I am just starting to think I might get through this when she says, "Could you work it through my hair with your hand, maybe? I want to be sure it gets to all of it so the dye is even."

You have got to be kidding me. She wants me to run my hand through her hair? I feel my heart speed up at the thought, and I know my face has gone flush. Emily has her eyes closed, so at least she hasn't seen my reaction. Okay. I can do this. I reach down my left hand and start to work the dye into her hair. It is soft and thick and feels fucking wonderful in my hand. And that is something I am absolutely not going to think about! Nope, not at all. Just pour and rub, pour and rub. Don't think, don't feel, don't look. Just pour and rub.

When I have used all the dye, I decant it from the bowl back into the cup and start again. 2-3 more times and I should be able to stop.

"That feels nice." I have to bite back a groan when I hear her say that. Jesus, this is torture.

I manage to spit out a strangled, "Good then," and keep pouring. Another round is finished and I am starting again. I am fixated on the feel of her wet hair sliding through my hand, of the colour slowly changing, deepening its red hue. This is not good.

"Okay," I say, placing a towel next to Emily's good hand, "I think we are done. Do you think you can manage from here?"

I have actually taken a few steps away in anticipation when I hear her say, "Actually, if you don't mind, I think I am going to need some help with the rinsing, too."

The rinsing. Of course. I forgot the rinsing. But that is a whole hour away. Just as I am about to suggest a break, so I can get a little breathing room, she says, "Would you like to wait with me? Might be a chance to get to know each other a bit."

I flounder, trying to cobble together some kind of a response. I haven't spent an hour just hanging out with anyone in months, and Emily Fitch is definitely not just anyone. In the end, although I have no idea how I am going to get through the next hour, I give in. I seem destined to have to spend this time with her, so I might as well get on with it. "Okay. I can stay."

We decide to take a walk around the base to pass the time. Emily is still getting her bearings, so I keep pointing out what is where as we go, as well as letting her know about some of the areas where the more unstable debris piles and downed trees make getting around a little trickier. It has been quiet for a while now, and I am starting to feel like a social idiot. I finally come up with something to ask. "How does the arm feel?" I figure that should be a safe topic at least.

"Not bad, actually. I thought it would hurt more than it does, but it feels alright."

I tell her a few good war stories about Effy as medic, then. My favourite is one from when Cook accidentally stabbed himself in the ass when he fell on an open knife that he had in his back pocket. The sight of Effy stitching up that wound will stay with me forever. Cook was in his glory, making more jokes about Effy and his ass. It was priceless. I am pretty sure she gave him a few more stitches than he actually needed just as payback.

"She is a good medic," I tell Emily as we make our way around a particularly impressive pile of concrete. "She has saved a lot of people. If Effy Stoneham decides you are going to heal, you are fucking well going to heal!" Emily laughs again at that. She laughs so easily, and with such freedom that I am amazed by it. I have never in my life been able to do that. I think it must be nice. And more and more I am wishing that she was less nice, because my resolve to stay clear of her and keep her at a distance is getting harder and harder to live up to with every step.

"Well, she seems to have done a good job with me." I am pulled out of my thoughts when I realize that Emily is talking again, responding to my comment about Effy. We walk a little farther, taking a track that passes through the woods just for a change. It is quite peaceful along here, with the sunlight making stained-glass like patterns as it shines through the leaves in the trees. Every now and then we hear the call of a bird or the scurrying feet of an animal. I feel myself relaxing into it, enjoying the moment for a change as we walk, as though the rest of the world has disappeared.

Emily starts telling me the story of when she and Katie first dyed their hair red. "It was my idea. I actually saved up my allowance to buy a box of dye. I wanted to do something to be different from Katie. Something that would let people notice me, and not just her. I hid the box in my dresser, but she found it anyway. When I got home that night, there she was with bright red hair. My bright red hair. So fucking Katie, that. For a while, that ruined it for me. But then I decided not to let her do that. My Dad knew I was upset about it, so he bought me another box. This time it was an even brighter red, one I never would have picked on my own, I wouldn't have had the courage. He was really cool that way my Dad. But he knew it was a way to let me know that it was okay to shine brighter than Katie sometimes. My Mom hated it. She never wanted me to be different from Katie. She never wanted me to be different at all." There is something about the way she says that last bit that tells me there is more to the story than that. But Emily just shakes her head, and smiles up at me from under her fringe, and says, "What about you? Tell me something about you."

A thousand memories fly through my head, but they are all too personal, too dangerous to share with Emily. So, I pick up on her story and say, "I dyed my hair peroxide blond before the Crash. I was pretty hard to miss, too, when I think about it."

Emily laughs and says, "I bet you were." I would almost swear I hear her whisper, "you still are", but I can't be sure. I really don't want to think about what it could mean if that is what she said, so I ignore it, and focus on my escape hatch.

"About time for the rinse, I think. Shall we head back to the bench?" Emily agrees, and we make our way back, with me setting the trail through the taller grass. As she moves to step over a fallen tree limb, she is struggling to both keep her balance and hang onto the towel that is protecting her shirt. I reach out without thinking to take her hand to help her over. As she clears the log she leans into me, just for a second. I can't help but breathe in her scent before she gets her balance back. It is incredible. Even through the scent of the dye, I catch the smell of something sweet and pure and indescribably her. She is slow to let go of my hand once she is back on two feet and I have to focus not to either pull her in closer – which is _not_ an option - or to snatch my hand away altogether, which would not exactly help with "operation teamwork."

I catch my breath for what seems like the nine thousandth time today, and we carry on our way back to the bench. The rest of the walk is without incident, and I am almost feeling okay again by the time we get there. I stop by the mess to get some clean water in a couple of jugs to pour over her head. Fuck this would be so much easier if she could just take a shower and I could have no part in it. Instead I stand here again, looking down at her face, desperately trying not looking at her body, and trying to fool myself into believing that my heart is hammering from the exertion and not because this incredibly beautiful girl is lying there letting me run my hands though her soft red hair all over again.

Finally, the rinsing is finished. The red is quite impressive; vibrant and bright. It suits her. Emily wraps her hair with the towel while still lying down so she won't get dye on her clothes. Then she carefully brings herself to sit upright on the table top. She is beaming as she steps off the bench and over to me. She looks up at me and says a soft, "Thanks" before reaching up to press a gentle kiss to my cheek. She looks at me one more time and smiles, and then walks away. I stand there, unmoving for what is probably only seconds but seems like forever. When I can finally think again, I realize that I am gently cupping my face with my right hand, lightly touching the place where her warm lips met my skin while I watch the corner where she disappeared from view. I manage to stumble to the bench before my legs give out. It is a long, long time before I move again.

**X X X**

**A little different this one, but finally some Naomily! I hope you liked it. Drop a review to let me know, if you feel so inclined.**


	6. Chapter 6

**I am really touched by the favourites and alerts and reviews. It means a lot to know that at least some of you who are reading this little story are enjoying it. This chapter is a bit of a monster, so settle in. I hope you enjoy it!**

**I don't own Skins, but if I did, I'd dance with it all night long.**

**Chapter 6 - And the hits just keep coming...**

**Naomi**

I am daydreaming again. I have been sitting at my desk trying to finish off the endless idiotic paperwork summarizing just how little success my team has had this week. But my mind keeps drifting off, remembering the touch of Emily's lips on my cheek. It has been a week now, but I can still feel it, and every time I think about it, it makes me smile.

It also scares the shit out of me. But I am getting used to the dichotomy. That is Emily, for me, in a nutshell. She makes me the most comfortable and the most uncomfortable that I can be, all at the same time.

I spent a lot of time thinking about her that day while I sat at the picnic table. The sun was long set before I managed to rouse myself and head back into the barracks. And what I decided then was that I do not want to keep Emily at a distance any more, not like I was very good at that anyway. I want her in my life, as a friend. I know that it is dangerous to try that. I think part of me will always ache for more from her, even though most of me freaks out at the very thought. But spending just that little bit of time with her brought home to me how vacant my life has been in the past months. And as unsettling as she is to me, I cannot ignore how much I like it when she is around.

I am amazed, although honestly not surprised, at how much happier I have been in the past few days just because I am letting her be a friend. I am actually looking forward to today's recon just because she will be there. I have to be careful not to give her the wrong impression, I know. I am pretty sure she is interested in more than friendship - god knows why given how I have been behaving. But I think we can find our way through that. I hope so, anyway.

It is time to start getting ready to head out, so I tidy up my papers on the small drab desk, and grab my jacket. As I am reaching for the zipper I hear a knock at the door. There is a young guy in regular army kit standing in the doorway.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Ms. Campbell, but the Commander sent me to ask you to go see him as soon as you can."

"I was just about to get ready for this morning's mission," I reply.

"Actually, ma'am, I'm supposed to tell you that he wants to see you before you go. My orders are to escort you there right now. Oh, and I'm sorry, I was supposed to tell you right away that this is militia business, not personal."

Thank Christ. I had been starting to think something had happened to my mother. But if it is not that, then I have no idea what could possibly be urgent enough that I need to head there right away. Only one way to find out, I guess. I nod at the young officer, and follow him out of the office. It only takes about 10 minutes to get over to HQ – at least at a normal pace. I made it a lot faster than that the last time I made this trek. It is amazing to me that my last trip here was just a few short days ago. So much has changed since then, it feels like half a lifetime.

When we get to Kieran's office my escort knocks gently on the door, then opens it without waiting and ushers me in. He closes the door behind me, but does not enter the room with me. I realize quickly that Kieran is not alone. There are two other people present, both in uniform. One is medium build, with sandy brown hair and a shit ton of stars on his shoulders. The other is huge, tall and wide, with jet black hair. Everything about him screams muscle.

"Naomi, good, you're here. Let me introduce you. This is General Doug Oggy. The gentleman in the corner is his security detail. General, this is Naomi Campbell."

General Oggy crosses towards me to shake my hand, mumbling a cursory, "Nice to meet you." Security guy does not move.

"Commander, I suggest that we take a seat so that we can explain the situation to Ms. Campbell in more comfort." The General comes across like a bit of an ass, but I think I could use a seat right now. We move over to a small round table that sits in a corner of the crowded office.

"Jacob, would you mind stepping out and securing the door?" The security guy moves to the door at this, snapping out a "Yes, Sir", as he goes. When the door has clicked shut behind him I turn to Kieran.

"Okay, Kieran, what the fuck is going on?"

"Watch your mouth, Naomi. Show a little respect. And a little patience. The General here will explain. But before he starts, I have to tell you that you are here to be briefed on a highly sensitive situation. This is highest security, highest clearance. What we say in this room is to stay in this room unless and until you are told directly by either the General or me that you can discuss it with someone else. You'll tell no one. Not your team, not your mother, not your best friend. No one."

Jesus. I have never seen or heard Kieran be so serious. And I have never before been put under a muzzle like this. What the fuck is going on? I try to settle down a little, despite my concerns, and I turn my attention to the general.

"May I call you Naomi?" he asks. For fuck's sake, like I would care either way.

"Yes. And I would appreciate it if you would stop screwing around and tell me what is going on." I hear Kieran huff and know he is about to chastise me again. But _Doug - _ no fucking way am I calling him General – interjects.

"It's alright, Commander. I can understand how this would be disquieting for Naomi." He turns and fixes his eyes on mine.

"We are in trouble. And by "we" I don't just mean the people in this room, or on this base. I mean the entire country. A few days ago one of our convoys was hit. The entire escort team – 14 men and women – were wiped out."

I slam back in my chair, horrified by what I am hearing. An entire convoy gone. How the fuck am I only hearing about this now? I swing my eyes back to Doug, looking for answers.

"Yes," he say, "That's bad enough. But it's not the worst of it. The person they were escorting was taken hostage. His name is "need-to-know" only, and you do not need to know. What I can tell you is that he is an aviation fuel expert. He has been working with us to get the Pembroke refinery back on line and to develop a process to synthesize a jet fuel with the resources we still have available . As you can imagine, it would be a distinct strategic and operational advantage for us if we can get our fighters and bombers back in the air. And of course, that advantage will fall to our enemies if they can get a refinery under their control back on line first."

He pauses then, probably giving me the chance to think through the consequences of our enemies having air power when we do not. It would be the end, for certain. I nod to him, to let him know that I got the point.

"We believe the hostage was taken by a small faction with no political affiliations. That is good and bad for us. On the good side, they have no interest in making use of his knowledge themselves. On the bad side, we have information that they are trying to sell him to the highest bidder they can find. We cannot allow that to happen. The hostage cannot be allowed to fall into enemy hands. Whoever wins the race back into the skies is likely to win everything."

There is not much that I can say to that. The truth of his statement is obvious even to me.

"Our intel says that they are in Weymouth, about 130 km due South from here. They are accepting bids from anyone who cares to make one. Eventually, they will ship him across Channel to Cherbourg for pick up by the winning bidder. We are slowing down the bidding process by sending in our own "buyer" - not that they know he is ours - while we prepare a rescue."

"A rescue?" I ask. "How?"

"We have a plan in the works, and we are hopeful that it will succeed. That is where you come in. We need a sniper team to support the rescue. The plan requires a difficult and precisely timed shot under pressure and very probably under fire. And that means we need you. I'm told that you are the best shot we have. Or at least you were. And we need you to be again, Naomi. Or, to put it bluntly, we could all be well and truly fucked."

Finally he stops speaking. There is utter silence in the room. I am completely stunned by what he is asking of me. He wants me to pick up a sniper rifle again. Not just to pick it up, but to train with it, and to go into battle with it. I feel sick. My head is reeling and I don't know where to look or what to do. My heart is pounding, my whole body shaking at the thought. I am clenching and unclenching my hands trying to grasp a fragment of control. Suddenly I am back on the cliff, aiming down into the valley below. I can feel the grit, the heat of the sun. I can hear the chaos of the screams and the shots. Sweet shitting Christ, I can even smell it. I leap up from my chair, head swinging wildly, trying to find something safe to focus on, something that will anchor me back here, in this room, away from the memories. I look to Kieran, my mentor, essentially my father. What does it mean that he is sitting here, that he is part of this? How can he of all people ask this of me?

"No. I can't do that. I won't do that."

"Naomi, wait." It is Kieran speaking as he stands up to move towards me. "Just wait for a moment. I understand that you need time to think about this. I understand how hard this will be. But we need you. We need your team and we need you. We cannot, under any circumstances, and at any cost, allow this man to be transferred across the channel. We simply cannot."

He leans in closer to me, his hands reaching towards my own. "Naomi, if I did not believe that you could do this you would not be in this room. You would not have been told anything about this mission. But I do believe you can do this. You need to get your ever- loving shit together, my dear. And you will need the help of your team, eventually. But you _can_ do this. I have no doubt of that at all."

He is holding my gaze so forcefully that I cannot look away. Our relationship is so complicated, and the lines between father and commander have never been more blurred. In both roles, he has always had almost blind faith in me. And as my "father", he has always been there for me whenever I needed him. But this? I do not know what to do with this.

"Would you at least consider doing some training?" That is Doug. "We have a mock up of the target compound staged at Bath for the extraction teams to practice. We can set up a firing range for you, to emulate the conditions you will likely face if you do this. And you can go there and see how it feels, take some shots and just see how it feels."

I look from Doug back to Kieran. I see him nod, his eyes entreating, encouraging me to go at least this far, to agree to at least this much. Jesus. The thought of holding a sniper rifle again is making me sweat, my mouth has gone dry and my stomach is just churning. But this is Kieran. And Kieran would not ask this of me if he had any other choice. I believe that. I have to believe that of him. And so I nod my head "yes", just once, for Kieran. "I will try. I will go to Bath and I will try. But I am not promising anything more than that."

Kieran clasps my face in his hands, staring into my eyes with equal parts torment and pride. I know, then, that he understands exactly what he is asking of me, and just how much it will cost me to do it. "Thank you," is all he says.

"I have one condition," I say as Kieran lowers his hands from my face. "I have to be able to talk to Effy." Doug starts to object, but I cut him off. It is not negotiable. Kieran assures him that Effy can be trusted - he knows I will need her through this - and Doug eventually agrees.

"Alright, Naomi. Here is how we are going to do this. You will be relieved of your recon duties for the next two weeks so you can train. Kieran will arrange for your transport to Bath each day. Your team will continue to do daily recon missions without you, with Effy in charge. They will be restricted to missions inside the Green Zone to ensure that they stay safe until the extraction operation. They will be told that you have been temporarily reassigned, and nothing more. One week before the extraction they will be briefed and trained for their part in it. Their job will be to get you to the site, and to protect you until you take the shot. We will dedicate every resource we have to making sure you get in and get out in one piece. Unless you have any more questions right now, you may go."

I have a million questions, but none that I am capable of asking now. Now I need to get away, I need to be out of this room.

Kieran puts his hand on my shoulder as I move towards the door. "Your driver will meet you at the gate tomorrow at 8 am," and just like that, the meeting is over. I look back and forth between the two men again, before silently leaving the room. I need to find Effy. I need to find her right now. Fucking hell, how did things change so much so fast again?

**X X X**

I find Effy in her room getting into her combats for that day's mission. She gives me a questioning look the second she sees my expression, but I do not give her time to wonder. I tell her everything, holding nothing back. I am not very coherent, but she gets the gist. She listens to the whole story without saying a single word, and when I am done, she just walks over to me and wraps me up in a huge hug. This woman does not do hugs, but fuck am I glad she is making an exception right now. Her arms around me are about the only thing keeping me in one piece. I finally let her let go, and she holds me at arm's length and just looks at me. Then she throws me yet another blistering curve.

"Do you want your rifle back?"

My rifle? What the fuck? I am so shocked I cannot actually answer her. She is talking about my sniper rifle, she has to be. I feel like I have been punched in the gut. She goes on then, and tells me that she has it, that she has been keeping it for me in case I ever needed it again. It is not one of the high tech sniper rifles the military generally used before the Crash. But it is incredibly accurate over reasonably long distances, and it is the only weapon I have ever used for sniper shots. It is the weapon I used on the day everything fucked up. I have not touched it or seen it since. It never occurred to me that Effy had kept it. It never occurred to me that anyone had.

"You don't have to answer right now. Just know that I have it if you want it."

"Okay. Yeah. I'll think about it. I just… I can't…" I have to sit down for a second. I plop down on her bed, more than a little shell shocked at everything I have heard in the last hour.

"What's the story for the rest of the team?" Effy asks, turning focus to the immediate problem.

"Just that I have been temporarily reassigned." That is really all I could come up with on short notice.

"Will you be okay in Bath." She is talking about when I have to pick up the rifle, when I have to set up to take a shot. And she knows damn well I will not be anything close to okay. But I need to be. And so I tell her that I will be. She has the good grace to let me get away with the lie, at least for now.

"I should get going. I'll have to re-brief the team since you aren't going with us today. Stay here as long as you like." Effy gives me a brief, comforting touch on the shoulder, and then heads out the door.

I close my eyes and lie back on the bed, exhausted by what I have just been through, and at the thought of what is to come.

**X X X**

**Emily**

It's been a 10 days since I joined the team. We got back to the base about an hour ago after another useless run – another run without Naomi. Apparently Kieran has her working some shit job or other. Cook thinks she has been benched because of her attitude. I'm not so sure. She was actually doing better before the change. But who knows.

Cook, JJ and I've hooked up to grab some food at the mess. We're waiting for Katie and Panda to arrive before we head to the bar for a bit. No karaoke tonight, but Thomas is DJ'ing and we all need a chance to blow off some steam. At least that will break the boredom for a while. About the only things making my life interesting right now are my work in the gardens and our almost nightly treks to the bar. Apparently Naomi and Effy will be going over later, but Effy and Katie aren't exactly getting along right now so they decided not to join us for dinner.

The boys have been chatting away about a new shipment of explosives that just came in. JJ loves the science of it - energy content, projectile velocity, shock waves and on and on and on. Cook just like when "stuff blows up good". I haven't been paying much attention to be honest, not that they'd noticed. That stuff doesn't interest me, other than knowing how I can stay away from it.

Instead I've been puzzling over what's been going on since I joined the team. Despite my best efforts, Naomi is still keeping me at arms' length. I really thought we made progress the day she dyed my hair. The start of that day sucked for sure, what with me hurting my arm. But that turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It wasn't really serious, and it gave me the excuse I needed to ask Naomi to spend some time with me. The walk we took was especially lovely. Every now and then, just for a moment, her guard would drop and I would get a peek at the real her. It never lasted long, but it was great. She really talked to me then. But the signals she was sending out were all over the map, from hot to cold and back again. I thought she was going to have a heart attack when I kissed her cheek. I would have really enjoyed making her blush so hard, except that it was so obvious that she was freaking out.

She was better with me for a while after that. Not comfortable exactly, but not so cold either. It almost seemed like she liked having me around. But after Kieran benched her something changed. She put me at a distance again. She'll talk to me and everything, and she's certainly polite. Like, she doesn't ignore me anymore, but that's it.

I've managed to talk to her one on one a couple of times, but never for long and never about anything personal. The funny thing is, despite all that, I'm getting more and more attracted to her every day. She's got this presence that just… umph. I can't even. I mean, seriously. Just hearing her voice makes my hair stand on end. I'm sure I blush every time she looks even vaguely in my direction. I keep thinking I should just give up and accept that she's not interested. But then I see her again, and I realize that ship has sailed. There's no doubt about it now. I want her. And I really like her. As in "like" like. And I would swear that she likes me, too.

On top of the Naomi weirdness, all we've been doing is running mindless recon missions my granny could do. The most interesting thing I do on recon is watch the roads for IEDs and play with the communications systems. If I'm completely honest, I have to admit that I'm bored out of my tiny little mind. I'm not saying I want to get into a fire fight or anything, but it would be nice if something, anything interesting would happen.

"Cook, why aren't we getting anything but recon missions?" I realize that I've interrupted JJ mid-sentence, but I'm pretty sure he'll get over it.

"Huh?" Cook answers me with a hunk of burger hanging out of his mouth, the pig.

"Jesus, Cook, could you chew first, do you think?" He just grins even wider and then swallows.

"What are ya on about, Red?"

"For days now all we have been doing are recon jobs anyone could do. But from everything I heard before, you guys were the best of the best at that. You did all kinds of crazy shit, all the time. So why aren't we doing any of that now?"

Cook nods at me, and chews for a minute looking like he is trying to decide what to say, but then he takes another huge bite of his burger instead.

I try again. "It's just, this team is supposed to be all elite and bad ass and everything, and Naomi's this legend, you know, best sniper we ever had and all that. But all we've been doing is bollocky wank shite runs where we don't even see the bad guys, let alone get a chance to fight them, and now they've pulled Naomi off the team, too. None of it makes any sense."

"Not that simple, Red, innit."

"Come on, Cook, tell me what's going on, what happened to the team, to Naomi…"

"Look. I'll tell you a bit, yeah, 'cause you're part of the team now, and you're fittin' in pretty good. But then you gotta leave it, right? No joke." He stops and thinks for a minute, I guess trying to figure out how much to say and how to say it.

"The last mission we had behind the lines, about half a year ago, it went fucked, Red. Totally fucked. And Blondie, she's still working on getting over it. Takes time, yeah? Far as I'm concerned, that's okay by me. This way I get hot food, I sleep in a real bed every night, and I can get my dick damp whenever I want. Works for me." He has a huge grin on his face, and takes another huge bite of his burger. I realize he's trying to deflect me, but I'm not quite ready to let it go. This thing with Naomi's starting to bug me, and now that I have him talking, I want to know more.

"What happened?"

He looks at me then, his eyes kind, but shaking his head. "Can't do that Emilio," he says quietly. "Not my story to tell, is it? You want to know more, you need to talk to Blondie. But be careful, Red. You splash around with that, and people are gonna get wet, yeah?"

I try another tack. "What was she like before, then? Naomi, I mean."

"Brilliant, fearless, ruthless, brave, strong, smart, funny, daring, bold…" I swing my head to JJ, surprised to hear him join in. Cook puts a hand on JJ's shoulder to stop him, and says, "Locked on, mate." JJ is clutching his juice glass for dear life.

When JJ is a little calmer, Cook continues. "She always got the job done, she did, and always brought us home." He smiles, then. "She was so fierce at taking care of us we called her Horntail for a while - you know, like the dragon, innit? Harry Potter? Yeah." I can see JJ start to rock in his seat. Cook slides a little closer to him and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"We got caught in a food riot, right at the start of the Crash. Eff, JJ, me and my little brother, Paddy. He was just 8 or 9 at the time. Eff and I were at the back of a store tryin' to grab some supplies. Naomikins was keeping watch, like always. JJ was in the alley right beside taking care of Paddy. When the mob started heading down the street, Paddy panicked, didn't he. Wanted to get to me to make sure I was okay, right. He broke free from JJ - not your fault, man." This last is said to JJ, whispered right in his ear as JJ clenches his eyes and fists against the memory.

"Paddy got caught in the crowd. He was small, right, so he went down under the crush right off. JJ yelled out, and Blondie heard him. She dove right into the crowd, pushin' against them the whole way to get to where Paddy was. And then she just threw herself over him, didn't she, wrapped him up in herself to protect him. The crowd moved past in no more than 2-3 minutes, but they were long fuckin' minutes I'll tell you. When we could finally get through to them, we found Naomi curled right around the little guy, out cold. She'd been kicked and stepped on and trampled over and over. There was blood and bruises everywhere on her that you could see. We carried her to the alley, and Effy did what she could to clean her up. Eventually Eff figured out she had a few broken ribs, some broken fingers and a bruised kidney, on top of black eyes and more cuts and scrapes than I could count, and a pretty good concussion. Paddy had taken a few kicks before she got to him, but for the most part he was alright thanks to her. And Blondie, when she finally woke up, she opened her eyes and first thing she said was, "Where's Paddy.'"

It's obvious how much that memory means to Cook; how much Naomi means to him. "She made me help her get on her feet, then, and she walked back to our bolt hole. She had to lean on me to do it, but she fuckin' walked the whole way. So, yeah. Horntail. It fit."

Cook stops then, looking down at his plate, his face a mask, impossible to read. "But things changed after. Things went bad, and things changed." His hand is still on JJ's shoulder. I'm not honestly sure which of them is getting the most comfort from that. It is a weird friendship between these two. You wouldn't think they could ever be friends at first, but they are and it works. It's kind of beautiful actually.

"Where's Paddy now?" I ask.

Cook lifts his eyes to mine, almost like he is snapping out of a dream. I can see his face soften as he thinks about his brother. "He's up North with Naomi's mom. He's safer there, yeah?"

He looks past my shoulder then and like flipping a switch, the larger than life horn-dog Cook is back. "Katiekins!" he booms, "You coming? You soon will be. Get it?"

Katie wanders up to our table and answers, "I'd sooner fuck JJ." Poor JJ. He's like a bunny in the headlights. Eventually he says with an oddly proud expression and a boyish smile, "I know that isn't intended as a compliment, but...I'm going to take it as one anyway," and goes back to drinking his juice.

"Come on then, losers," Katie says, "There's dancing to be done and I'm not going to wait all night." And with that, I let it go for now, and we head for the bar.

As we walk I keep thinking about what Cook told me. I can see Naomi as Horntail, rushing into the crowd to save the boy. That makes perfect sense with what I heard about her over the years. What I can't understand is what could have changed her so much from that fierce, unstoppable force. The contradictions and contrasts are messing with my head. I have to figure out a way to reach the real her. I just have no idea how to go about doing it.

**X X X**

We've been at the bar for a couple of hours now. Music is blasting, my chair is humming with each bass beat, and the dance floor is surprisingly full. Thomas really is good at this DJ stuff. Both Katie and Cook fucked off a while ago, each in a separate direction, leaving me with JJ. It was pretty painful at first, but eventually he managed to talk to me without hyperventilating. He seemed to be still upset by what we were talking about at the mess, so I did my best to help him relax a bit. Still, my glass is empty and I'm definitely feeling the need for a refill. I excuse myself to JJ and head for the bar. When I get through the crowd I see that Katie is already lined up, flashing her cleavage to get served a little faster. One thing about Katie, she's consistent, and very effective. Just as I'm about to say hello to her, Cook stumbles over and interrupts.

"So, Katiekins, what are you up to?"

"I'm doing the great fucking northern run, what does it look like I am doing?"

"Come on Katiekins, don't be like that, I'm just tryin' to be friendly here." She looks over at him, his hair all messy, his crazy buttoned up t-shirt dark with sweat, and his face plastered with his goofy, shit eating grin. I can see the calculating going on in her head. She hasn't had much luck finding a suitable boyfriend, or even fuckbuddy since we arrived at the base. Cook is a good looking guy, and if even half the rumours are true he must be amazing in the sack.

He must be able to tell that she is waffling. "At least let me buy you a drink? Finest looking babe in the joint shouldn't be without a drink!"

I can see that the flattery is working for him. Katie always did love a little attention. I watch the two of them for a while, amused by the snarking back and forth that is quickly turning in to full scale flirting under it all. When Katie finally accepts the drink from him Cook howls at the ceiling, "They all come to the Cookie Monster in the end!" I think for a second that Katie's going to slap him, or at least throw her drink on him. But she surprises me by laughing instead. Huh. Maybe something could happen there after all. Either way, I really don't need to watch any more of it unfold.

I get my drink and then turn around to decide my next move. As I do I see them by the door: Naomi and Effy. Both are looking this way and Effy is glaring daggers. It's been a long day, and I don't know how to stop the "push me pull you" game that is going on with Naomi right now, let alone how to deal with whatever bug is up Effy's ass. So instead of going to talk to them, I decide to head over to the dance floor. That's one place that I know where I can always lose myself and clear my head. I neck my drink, drop the glass on a convenient rail, and push into the crowd. I close my eyes and focus in on the pounding of the bass, the kick of the drums; I raise my hands above my head and I start to lose myself in the music.

**X X X**

**Naomi**

I lose sight of Emily when she heads to the dance floor. Just as well, that. She is not wearing anything special, just a green blouse with torn jeans and heels. But she looks amazing, as always. And if I look too long, I will want to do more than look. I need to keep my distance with her now, even more than before, with the rescue op coming up. Fucking op is fucking up my whole life. So, instead, I watch Effy watch Cook and Katie for a bit. Her face is neutral, but her eyes are just drilling into them as they chat by the bar. If I did not know better, I would think she was jealous. Although right now I am not entirely sure of whom.

"Ef? You okay?"

She looks over at me, blinks slowly, and then turns away again. "Fine. Drink?"

She makes her way to the farthest end of the bar, as far away from them as she can get. I follow along and marvel as the bartender puts our drinks in front of her almost instantly. Shots. Two each. I'm not sure what kind. It really does not matter to me as long as there is alcohol involved. The magic of Effy, no one can resist her. Except Cook, who from how Effy is acting at the moment must still be the "one who got away" no matter how hard Effy tries to hide it, and no matter that it was her who ended it with him all those years ago. I have never known her to be jealous of anyone Cook was interested in before, though, so this feels really weird. I want to try to help, but I know better than to ask her about it. She will tell me in her own good time, or she won't. I watch as she downs her shots and then walks away, looking for someone new to play with I assume.

I grab my last shot and turn to lean my back against the bar. I know I should not be drinking tonight. I have to head to Bath again in the morning, and I need to not be hung over when I do. But the pressure of what I am doing there is getting to me. I can't eat and I am having a fuck of a time getting to sleep. When I do sleep, it is restless and fractured and I wake up still feeling more exhausted than before. It is worse since I started shooting again. So very much worse. I still can't hold the fucking rifle without wanting to puke. And I am wound so tight the whole time that I have yet to hit a single target. It used to be that I couldn't miss, and now I can't hit a goddamn thing. The pressure to find the groove, to get my focus back is killing me. I am a fucking train wreck right now. I need to find a way to relax so I can maybe get some sleep tonight and maybe get my shit together on the range tomorrow. And for me, that means turning off my head and making friends with whatever drink is in front of me.

I scan the room to see who else is there, looking for some kind of a diversion for my fucked up head, when I catch another glimpse of her. Emily. She is dancing now, a light sheen of sweat on her flawless skin, her shirt hugging her curves like a jealous lover. Jesus Christ she is beautiful. I realize as I am watching that she is also really good, and incredibly sexy when she dances. She is lost in her own world, lost in the music, eyes closed and arms in the air. I mean, sweet Jesus. It is incredibly hot, and I am not the only one who thinks so. Everyone around her – male and female – is watching her dance. I watch her hips move with the music. Every now and then, she runs a hand through her still red hair, or down her side and across her hips. Fuck. Me.

I realize that I have just licked my lips and pretty much eye fucked her from head to toe and back again. Christ's sake. I have _got_ to stop doing that. I have got to get a grip. I slam back my last shot and drag my eyes away from her, trying to find something else, anything else, to focus on. But Effy has fucked off somewhere out of sight so I am stuck here by myself. As hard as I fight it, I keep finding my eyes on her, on Emily. I seem to be able to find her anywhere in the room, like I am compelled by some kind of magnetic pull.

Some wanker just slithered up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He is about to lean in to run his tongue up her neck when Emily moves his hands and steps away. She turns to him briefly and gives him a look that nicely, but very, very clearly, says "not interested." As soon as she is sure that he has got the message, she settles back into the rhythm and my heart starts to beat again. I don't think I have breathed since I first saw his hands on her. Fucking hell, I _so_ need another drink. There is no way I am going to be able to cope with this without one. I drag my eyes off her and start heading to the bar. I grab what is left of a bottle of Jack and start working my way through it. Slow and steady wins the race.

A couple of hours later and the bottle of Jack is empty, and so too, pretty much, is the bar. Even the bartender pissed off a while ago. But Thomas is still spinning tunes with Panda doing her crazy Panda dance by his side, and few determined souls like me are still here drinking and talking. The dance floor is almost empty, but a few hard core folk are still working it. I am not quite drunk enough to sleep yet. But it is getting late. So, I decide to grab another bottle to take to my room. I am just coming back around from helping myself behind the bar when I see her. Fuck. Emily. Standing right in front of me. She looks tired but happy. She is flat out gorgeous, her hair a little mussed, sweat trickling down her neck. She licks her lips, and I feel my breath hitch and my stomach drop to my knees. I feel it in a few other places, too, but I am trying to ignore that. I hope against hope that she did not notice, and for once, things go my way. She was scanning behind the bar and missed it. Thank fuck. It is my own fault, I know. I have been doing everything I could to avoid her these last days, short of making it obvious that was what I was doing. But I stupidly decided to stay at the bar tonight. It was too tempting to watch her dance. I thought I would be able to sneak out without her noticing, but clearly not. Too late for that now.

"Anything decent left to drink? I'm dying of thirst." Her voice is huskier than usual. She has been singing along with the music all night. I know, because despite my best efforts, I have been watching her almost non-stop. I look at the bottles in my hands, trying to get my muddled brain to tell me what to do. Part of me wants to run, but part of me is way too aware of just how sexy Emily is right now. In the end I answer the question. "Well, there is Pinot Grigio," I say looking at the first bottle in my hand, "or Cider Oblivion. Not sure I would trust that one, actually."

"Pinot it is then. I'll get the opener."

I am about to tell her that I am not in the mood, that I do not want company - all lies - when she flashes me the most incredible smile. Her eyes light up like Christmas when she smiles like that, and I can almost forget why I cannot ever let her in. Well, fuck. One drink can't hurt, right?

Of course, it can, and it probably will. But I am having a really hard time remembering to care about that right now when Emily fucking Fitch is standing right in front of me wanting to share my wine. I grab two glasses and lead the way to the nearest table.

**X X X**

**Emily**

We've been talking most of the night. We sat in the bar for a while, and finished off the pinot. But then we wandered outside to cool off and somehow ended up lying on the ground looking up at the stars. We've been here for at least a couple of hours. I'm on my best behaviour. Not getting too close. Not touching. Not asking too much. I just want to enjoy being near her as long as she'll let me, but I don't want to scare her off. She is pretty skittish, wired almost. And more stressed than I have seen her before. Probably because of whatever got her reassigned. She changes the subject anytime work comes up. She won't talk about the team, or her new job whatever it is, or the past. She just changes the subject whenever I ask about any of it. But it's nice, being here with her. This is the most we've spoken since our walk in the woods. I realize that I've missed her.

She's actually kind of funny when she's drunk. Not intentionally. It's just that she uses all these really big words, but can't quite pronounce them right on the first try. And she points a lot, and talks with her arms - not just her hands, but her whole arm. She's been on a rant for at least the last 5 minutes about some punter who wasted gas to go see his girlfriend last weekend. Her creativity in name-calling is impressive, I have to say. She has used some swear word combinations that I wish I had come up with. But as entertaining as all that is, it's not quite what I'm looking for tonight.

When she slows down to take a breath, I interrupt and try again. "Cook told me about Paddy tonight."

I hear her suck in a breath. "Ah Paddy. Paddy is a good kid," she says.

"Yeah, I could tell by how Cook spoke about him. He said you saved him, in a riot."

"He told you about that?" She's surprised by that, it's obvious. Surprised enough not to change the subject right away.

"Yeah." I say carefully. "It came up when he was telling me how you got your nickname."

"What nickname is that?"

"Horntail."

She's silent for a long beat or two, before finally saying, "Oh that. Just typical Cook exaggeration. And it was a long time ago."

"From how he described it, it sounded to me like you saved Paddy's life. You were hurt, weren't you?"

"A little bit." At that, Naomi lifts herself up into a sitting position, and starts to stand up.

"Wait. Please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up something that upsets you." I've sat up myself, and I'm looking up at her, asking her to stay. I can see that she's torn. She drops back to one knee just beside me, and reaches out, almost touching my hand.

"I am not upset, Emily. I promise." She's actually looking me right in the eyes for the first time in a long time, so I have to believe her. "It's just not something I like to talk about. It happened. I did what anyone would have done. I got hurt. I got better. Life moved on."

She shivers a bit then. I'm not sure if it's from the cold or not. "I think we should try to get some sleep before the sun comes up, don't you? I have to be back on the road at 8, so we should call it a night." A darkness comes over her face as she says that, and she frowns. Whatever she's doing, it's obvious that it's upsetting her in some way.

She hesitates a second before she holds her hand out to me to help me up. When I grab it, there is another moment's hesitation before she hauls me to my feet. She lets go of my hand as soon as I get my balance, and then turns and leads the way back to the barracks.

"You coming?" she asks, looking back at me over her shoulder without breaking her slightly wavering stride. As I watch her walk ahead of me, I wonder if this was really one step closer, or if by tomorrow she'll have taken two steps back again. I hope, I really, really hope we don't step back. With that thought, I start after her, jogging a little until I can walk by her side. And as I do, I realize that's where I'd like always to be. Right there, right by her side. If she'll just let me.

**X X X**

**Whew! Interesting times for Naomi. I wonder if she is going to get her act together? Guess we'll have to wait and see. If you have an opinion on that, or anything else, feel free to drop a review. It is always good to know what you think.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry this one took longer than usual to post. RL got hectic for a bit, with work craziness, family craziness and even a new tiny human arriving in my world. Gotta say, though, I have been quite overwhelmed by the support I have received for this story, and want to thank all of you who are reading and alerting and reviewing. I particularly want to thank those of you who have taken the time to PM me with your thoughts over the last little while. Very much appreciated. On with the story.**

**Chapter 7 – The Ties That Bind**

**Emily **

I come awake with a jolt, lying face up on my bed with my arms and legs splaying out to the sides like I'm a starfish, hands clutching at my sheets. What the ever living fuck was that?

The banging starts again as I force open my eyes, squinting against the sun that's shining through the window. I obviously forgot to close the curtains last night - well, this morning really - when I came back to my room.

"Emily!" Bang, bang, bang. "Emily, wake the fuck up, I need to talk to you."

Katie. Of course, I should have known. I check my watch; it's all of 7 o'clock. I've had no more than 3 hours sleep.

"Emily!"

"Alright, alright. Stop yelling for fuck's sake! I'm coming." I make my way off the bed, stretching as I go. I trip over the pants I left on the floor last night, but manage to catch myself before I fall. I unlock the door, swinging it open as I turn and walk towards the bureau to get some clothes to put over my knickers and vest. Katie walks in, wearing sweat pants and a long sleeved t-shirt. She looks as un-put-together as I've seen her outside her room since we got here.

"Where did you disappear to last night?" She sounds distressed, which worries me.

"Are you okay, Katie? Did something happen?"

"No. Yes. Not really. I just needed to talk to you and you weren't there." Her slight lisp is stronger than usual, which is always a sign that she's upset.

"I was dancing, Katie. And then I was talking to Naomi for a bit." I keep my back to her, digging through the bureau drawers for something to wear, hoping that she doesn't pick up on that. "Is this about Cook?" Not exactly a shot in the dark given what I saw between them last night.

"How did you know?"

I turn back to her with today's clothes in hand and smile. "Lucky guess. Listen, Katie, how about you let me wake up a bit and get dressed, and we can talk over breakfast, okay? I'll be able to listen a lot better once I have some tea in me."

"Yeah, okay. Thanks, Ems. I'll meet you at the mess, okay?"

"Okay. Give me half an hour to get cleaned up and I'll see you there."

Katie slips out the door after that, I presume to head back to her room to put on something a little more stylish than her sweats. I can't help wondering what she wants to talk about, but I find myself thinking more about last night as I head to the showers.

The whole night was pretty amazing. It felt great to dance again, of course. But it was the time with Naomi that was the best. The more time I spend with her, the stronger my feelings for her are getting. She is fascinating; complicated, intense, and more than a little messed up. But lovely, really lovely when she lets herself be. We had walked back to the barracks together, in silence, but side by side. It felt good, easy. She even walked me right to my door. It almost felt like the end of a date except there was no kiss. She just wished me a gentle good night and told me to sleep well. Then she headed down the hall to her own room. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to beg her to come back and then snog the daylights out of her.

I bring my thoughts back to the task at hand, cursing freely at the lack of hot water this morning as I scrub away the cobwebs and get ready for another day. I can't help wondering what this one may have in store. I'm already working on how to spend some more time with Naomi. And that thought definitely makes me smile.

**X X X**

**Naomi **

I am lying face down on my bed, wrapped around my pillow and enjoying the warmth before I have to get up and face the day. When my alarm went off I was dreaming. I was dancing with Emily to a song I can't quite place. The tendrils of the dream are escaping me now, but I remember the feel of Emily's hand on my hips, at my belt, across my back. It was sensuous, seductive, but not overtly sexual. If I had to describe it I would say that I wanted to bury my head in her neck and cuddle more than I wanted to tear her clothes off and get dirty. And if I am truly honest that scares me a whole fuck of a lot more.

So I lie here now, fending off the echoes of the dream and taking stock of how I feel. Drinking all night and talking until the wee hours was not exactly a genius move. I am a bit hung-over; not the worst hangover I have ever had, but still stupid given what I have to do today. I roll over to the side of my bed, groaning as I go. I am just starting to stand up when I hear a soft knock at my door. Weird. It is only 7 o'clock. I grab a pair of pants and a dark hoodie off the floor to cover myself with and open the door.

"Hey Nai." It is Effy.

"What are you doing up this early?" I am really surprised to see her here at this hour.

There is an almost undetectable pause before she answers me. If I did not know her so well I would have missed it. "Thought I'd come see how you're doing this morning."

"Oh, really? At 7 am?" It is ridiculous that she would try to pass this off as a routine visit. Effy does not do anything this early if she can help it. Between that and the pause and the darker than usual circles under her eyes I know something is bothering her. She doesn't answer me. Just continues leaning in the doorway, flicking her eyes everywhere but at me.

"Where did you get to last night, Effy? I lost track of you after we saw Cook and Katie."

"Nowhere special. Just around."

"I didn't see you dancing…"

"No. I wasn't in the mood for that." Effy has come into my room now. She is idly running her hands across the items on my bureau. There is something on her mind, but I can't figure out what.

"So what were you in the mood for?" Effy turns abruptly at that, staring at me for a moment as if deciding what to say. Then with the barest shake of her head, she moves on. Whatever she was going to say, she has changed her mind. I am just about to push her to tell me when she speaks again, this time going on the offensive.

"You were with Emily last night."

She makes those six small words resonate. They sit like a grenade between us, and they very successfully change the direction of the conversation. Now I am on full alert, waiting to find out where she is going to take this.

I turn towards her, giving her my full attention. "For a while, yes. What of it?"

"She likes you, Nai. You can't play with that."

"It's not like that, Effy."

"Isn't it?"

"No. You know it's not, it can't be."

"Well, first off, it_ is_ like that for her and it's not fair of you to screw with her. Second, you like her, too. So stop lying to yourself."

It is way too early for me to be having this conversation with anyone, but especially with Effy. I can feel the anxiety slamming back into me with a rush. "I don't. Not like that. It's too soon." My voice is high and tight as I say it.

"Bullshit you don't. You're just scared. You're always scared when it comes to this. What's sad is that it's not even really Emily that's scaring you now; it's letting go and moving on, taking a chance again. You're the bravest person I know, except for this. She is right there, waiting for you, and all you have to do is say yes. Don't you get how lucky you are to have that? Don't you get that if you keep doing what you're doing she's going to get hurt. Is that what you want?"

"Of course not! Fuck, you know that. But I can't. Not yet." She is getting under my skin, and I can feel myself getting claustrophobic again in this small room. I need to get out. "This isn't helping Eff. I gotta go."

With that, I brush by her and head up the hall. Why would she pick today to do that? Like I don't have enough shit to deal with. The rescue is scaring the crap out of me, Emily is scaring crap out of me, and the fact that I can't hit the broad side of a barn is scaring the crap out of me. I really don't fucking need Effy piling on, too.

I am building up a really good sense of outrage when I turn a corner and smash right into Emily Fitch. Speak of the devil, and there she is. I manage to grab her arms and stabilize her before she ends up on her ass on the floor. Before she even has her balance back she is laughing, the sound striking straight into my heart.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry about that," I tell her.

"I'm fine, don't worry. No harm done." She straightens her shirt where I grabbed it and dusts herself off a bit.

"You are up early," I say. I am surprised given how late we talked last night.

"Yeah. Well, Katie came banging at my door wanting to talk. I'm actually on my way to meet her now. How about you? Did you get any sleep?"

"A little. Not enough, but some. I'm sorry; I actually have to get going. My ride is waiting." I start moving back up the hall, heading towards the exit.

"Oh, of course. Well, good luck. Whatever it is you're doing, I'm sure you'll be great."

I stop at that and look back at her. "Why would you say that?"

Emily ducks her head, looking up at me from under her fringe just like she did the first day we met. She smiles shyly and shrugs. "Because I think you can do anything. Look, I should go, too, okay? Katie's waiting." And with that and a little wave, she walks away.

She thinks I can do anything. Emily Fitch thinks I can do anything. And somehow with that I feel the steel chains that bind me loosen up just a tiny little bit.

**X X X**

**Emily**

I line up in the mess to grab some toast and rosehip tea, looking around the tables until I find Katie at one in the corner. She looks preoccupied. She doesn't even seem to have noticed the two good looking guys who just walked by her. And she hasn't got herself anything to eat or drink. At least there's no sign of it on the table near her. I add an extra serving of each to my tray and make my way over to my twin.

"I brought you some food, Katie. Here." I slide the tray onto the table, and hand her one of the plates and mugs. I set my own in front of my spot, and gladly take a long sip of the tea. It's not my favourite, but it's hot and sweet. Katie still hasn't touched hers.

"Are you okay, Katie? You're making me worry."

"There's something wrong with me." Shit. A stab of fear cuts through me.

"What, Katie. What's wrong?"

"I don't know what's happening to me. I turned down a shag with a fit bloke last night. I've never done that before, at least not with someone as fit as him!"

Oh for fuck's sake. She had me really worried there for a minute. "Jesus, Katie! Is that all?"

"What do you mean, "Is that all?" That's more than enough, I think!"

I take a deep breath. This is Katie, after all. "Okay. Start at the beginning. What happened? What did Cook do?"

She gives me a questioning look at that, so I let her know that I saw them at the bar last night. I'm amazed to see her blush in response. My sister, blushing. There's a first time for everything, I guess.

"Yeah, well, like, he was all into me and everything. Proper gagging for it he was, like he _should _be when it's me. And, like, he's really fit, right? He was well nice to me, too. And from what I hear he's a really good shag. We could have had fun together. Well, we did have fun together. I mean, we kissed and stuff. But then I stopped. It's like it just didn't feel right, you know? Like it wasn't enough somehow."

"Aw, Katie. I think you just grew up!" I'm having a really hard time not laughing right now. Only my sister would think something's wrong because she's not in the mood for a meaningless shag.

"But he's really fit! And he was even really good about it, like proper gentlemanly. I like him, Emily. I do. So, why didn't I want to shag him?"

She's so serious about this, so troubled by it, that I can't tease her any more. I try to offer something helpful instead. "Look Katie. I know you haven't wanted to get too serious since you learned about, well, you know."

"It's called early menopause Emily, you can say it you know. I won't break."

"Okay. Well, you haven't wanted to get too serious since you were diagnosed, and I know it's because you're worried how the guy will react if you tell him. But is it possible, Katie, that you're at the point where you want to change that? That you didn't want to _just_ shag Cook because maybe you want something more? Like maybe you're ready to go after something that could last?"

I can see the wheels turning. Katie never did have a poker face, especially with me. She looks at me a little surprised. "Maybe," she says. It's odd to hear doubt in her voice.

"So, why don't you just take it slow and take your time to figure out if Cook could be the right one? If he is, I'm sure you can work out the rest of it together."

She is looking really pensive, but less upset than when I first sat down. "I'll think about it, Emily," Katie says. "Look, I should go. I have to get to work. But thanks, yeah?"

Katie leans down to give me a quick kiss before she goes, and just for a second it feels like when we were younger, before we grew apart. It's a feeling I really like. I smile back, and wave to her as she leaves. As I sip the rest of my tea I wonder if maybe this thing with Cook could be the start of something good for her. The menopause has been haunting her for a long time and I would love to see her find a way to be okay with it. I'm not sure Cook is the right guy for that, or for Katie – they are both so much larger than life and he's a pretty dedicated player - but as long as she's happy, I'll be happy for her. Maybe I can even help things along, give Cook a little nudge from time to time. Who knows.

**X X X**

**Naomi **

I am just getting back to the base gates with my driver. It is about 8 p.m., and it is darker than usual here. I lean across my driver to talk to the guard on duty. "Hey, what's up with the lights?"

"The diesel shipment for the generators is delayed. I heard the tanker broke down and they have to build the part they need from scratch. It's going to take a while for a new shipment to get through. So, in the meantime, all non-essential electrics are shut down and we are running emergency lights only."

Fucking great. I shift back into my seat for the rest of the short drive. That means no hot water, no lights in the barracks, and worst of all no heat. I can't even take a shower to wash off the dirt and sweat from the day.

After we park I say good night to my driver and haul my gear back to my room. I grab a flannel and a lantern to head to the loo anyway. I need to at least sponge off the worst of grime even if it is with cold water. Once I am cleaned up and changed, I head to the common room. That is where my team is likely to be in the circumstances.

Sure enough, as I come through the door I see them already there, huddled together against the cold. The way they are sitting it looks a bit like a campfire circle without the campfire. There are hand-cranked camping and emergency lanterns tucked around the room here and there to give some light, and everyone is snuggled under various layers of coloured blankets. Effy is on one couch. Emily and JJ are on another with JJ showing her magic tricks, I think. I notice that she is smiling at his most recent big reveal. Katie and Cook are sharing a third couch, with her head on his shoulder. That is new. And very interesting to see. I make a mental note to tease the hell out of Cook about that later.

I walk over to Effy, and join her on the couch. "Hey, you. How did it go today?" I ask, pulling some of her blankets over myself.

"The usual. We went. We found shit all. We came home. You?"

I lower my voice as I answer, because the rest of the team still does not know what I have been doing. I am excited, though, and Effy can tell. "Good, actually. The shooting went really well today."

"Oh, really." She sits up a bit. "Well, that's certainly good news. So what was different about today?" It's a good question. Right to the heart of things as always.

"Me, I think."

"How so?" Another good question.

I think back to the day at Bath. It started the same as every other day. Once we got to the site and set up, I cleaned my rifle, checked wind speed and direction, made the necessary adjustments and then lay down in my prone position and adjusted for the elevation. I took a deep breath and released it, just like usual, concentrating on trying to calm my heart rate, slow my breath, and unclench my hands, not to mention just trying not to throw up. But from there it changed. I closed my eyes, just for a moment, and when I did I heard Emily's voice saying, "I think you can do anything." It actually startled me it was so crystal clear in my mind. But then I focused on it. I used it like a meditation, repeating the memory over and over again, Emily's gentle, raspy voice washing over me like a mantra. As I did, I could feel the tension start to leave me, the anxiety start to disappear.

There was no logical reason for her words to make such a difference to me, but my reactions to Emily have not had much to do with logic from the first moment I opened my eyes and saw her standing in front of me. As I lay there focusing on her words, everything faded away except her voice and I felt a sense of peace that I have not felt in months. I was able to start internalizing the confidence she had in me. I held myself still for a few moments, embracing and memorizing the feeling. Then I exhaled, opened my eyes, aimed, fired, and hit the target bang on for first time. I could not believe it. My spotter actually yelled out loud he was so relieved to see it. And from there, it was like my brain block was broken. I kept hitting targets all day. No matter where we set up, no matter what distance or elevation was involved, no matter how complicated the shot, it was like I could not miss as long as I could take a moment to replay her words in my head. The relief was incredible. I honestly had not been sure that I was ever going to be able to shoot properly again. So to have it back, to have it feel natural and easy again, well, it was amazing. And it was all down to Emily.

"Because of her, I think." I nod to where Emily is laughing in delight at something JJ has done.

"Ah." No one on earth can pack so much into one syllable as Effy can. "So what are you going to do about _that_?"

"Nothing. I didn't mean it like that. Really. I just… I don't know. She said something to me this morning, and… I don't know. It just helped, that's all."

"Naomi. You and I both know that's not all. So, what's the problem?" We are back to where we left off this morning, and I am no more ready to deal with it now than I was then.

"I can't do it, Eff. I can't do it to her. It is just too soon."

Effy looks at me and I can tell that she is gauging how far she can push me this time before I bolt. "There's no such thing as too soon, Nai. You're ready when you're ready, whenever that happens. But you _can_ wait too long."

She turns away from me then and we both settle farther in under the blanket. I am relieved to have escaped so easily. But I know the subject is not closed, not yet. I spend a few minutes just watching Emily, while trying not to make it obvious that is what I am doing. It feels good just to be in the same room with her. After a while, I realize that Effy has been staring, too, but not at Emily. She is looking at Cook and Katie, and she does not look at all pleased.

"Hey Eff," I whisper, "What is going on with you and Katie?"

She twitches at that, but just shakes her head and says, "Nothing."

"Come off it, Eff. It is pretty obvious that you are jealous of her being with Cook. I just don't get why, after all this time."

She looks at me, her face impossible to read, and says, "You're wrong, Nai. I'm not jealous of Katie. Not at all." Then she gets up from the couch, grabs one of the lanterns and heads out of the room, tossing out a quick, "Good night everyone" as she goes.

I have a strange feeling about this, especially after her reaction to seeing the two of them last night and how odd she behaved this morning. I discretely follow after her, trying not to grab anyone else's attention as I go. I catch up to Effy a little ways down the hall. "Eff, wait up. Hey. Hang on a sec."

She keeps moving at first, but eventually stops and looks back to me.

"Are you okay, Eff?

"Sure. Never better."

"I got the feeling there was something on your mind this morning before you brought up Emily, but we didn't get to talk about it. And now, well, you seem upset about Katie and I want to help if I can."

"I'm fine, Naomi. I'm just tired."

"Effy, this is me, remember?" I say, placing myself in front of her. "You don't lie to me. It is a rule."

"I'm not lying to you, Nai. I'm not jealous of Katie."

She is not looking at me when she says it. She is looking past me up the hall, as though she does not want to make eye contact. It clicks then, what she has said. Or more importantly what she hasn't said. If she is not jealous of Katie then… Is it possible? Is she jealous of Cook?

"Oh my god. You like Katie!" It bursts out of me in a rush.

Effy leans back against the wall then with a deep sigh, and rests her head back against it with her eyes closed tight.

"Effy. Tell me the truth." I reach out and touch her arm to let her know I am here, that she can count on me.

It comes in a whisper then. Just one word, with her eyes still tightly closed. "Yes."

She opens her eyes and looks at me. "Yes, I like Katie. So what?"

Oh my. Effy Stonem has caught herself a Fitch itch. I catch myself grinning at the thought before realizing quickly how inappropriate it is. "So what are you going to do about it?"

Effy pushes off the wall and stands in front of me. "Nothing, Nai. I'm not going to do anything about it."

"What? You can't mean that? Why not?"

She looks at me as though she cannot quite believe I asked that question. "Cook."

Oh shit. Of course. I forgot about Cook. Oh, my god, poor Effy.

"I have never in my life not chased someone I want, Nai. And when I chase someone I get them. But you've seen them together. Cook really seems to like her. I'm not sure what she wants yet, but he really likes her. He hasn't had much to smile about for a long time now, but she makes him smile. I think this could be something serious for him. I mean, he's in there snuggling with her for god's sake, and Cook never snuggles. So, I'm going to do the right thing. I'm going to let him have his shot. And if it works out for them, so be it. I'm not going to do anything to get in the way of it. I just can't do that to him." She lets out another deep sigh. She is spent by the effort it still takes her to reveal so much at one time, to be so honest with me. I am overwhelmed every time she chooses to let me in like this, knowing full well that that it is incredibly hard for her to do.

"Good night, Nai." She sounds so sad.

"Are you going to be okay, Eff?"

"Yeah. Sure. No worries."

I watch her walk away, looking smaller than she usually does. There is nothing I can say to make this easier for her. She will never do anything to hurt Cook, not willingly anyway. So I know that she is the one facing heartbreak this time. But I also know that she would not want me to hover while she tries to deal with the hurt, so I let her go. It kills me to do it, but I know we will talk again, and she will let me help her more once she has worked through some of the pain herself.

I don't really want to go back into the common room, though. So much has happened today, between Bath and this news from Effy that I want some time to myself to take it all in. And I am not sure how to handle Cook and Katie now. I don't want to risk saying something I should not. So I head up the hallway in the other direction, aiming for the exit and the path to my usual spot.

**X X X**

**Emily **

JJ's magic tricks are lovely, and he's sweet to have spent so much time trying to entertain me while we sit here in the cold and almost dark. But there's only so long that I can sit still. Katie is preoccupied with Cook – seems like she's taking my advice to try it out and go slow - so I know that she's not likely to be the source of any diversion tonight. I decide to see if I can find Naomi, to maybe pick up on our conversation from last night. Maybe if I can keep her talking to me then she will keep opening up. I am realizing more and more how much I want to be with her. Hell, we don't even need to talk for her to affect me. Just having her nearby makes me feel better, happier. But I want more, much more. There is no denying it now. So, I say my good nights and start checking out places where she might be. No luck in the mess or at her room. I don't want to check the showers because there's really no way to make that seem anything other than stalkerish.

As I'm heading back to my room about to give up for the night I pass Effy's door. If anyone knows where Naomi is, it would be Effy. I still can't figure her out, and I don't really want her to think I am a freak for trying to track Naomi down. So, I hesitate outside the door for a minute, trying to decide whether to go in. But I really do want to see Naomi tonight, and eventually that want outweighs my concerns. I knock at the door, and Effy calls out that I can come in. When I crack open the door, she is lying on her bed still fully dressed. She looks tired, I think. There's the cutest little stuffed giraffe by her side, and her right hand is lightly resting on it. I wouldn't have expected that of Effy, but it's sweet.

"Um. Hi Effy. I'm sorry to bug you, but I was wondering if you know where Naomi is? I didn't get to talk to her tonight, and I was just wondering how her day went."

Effy considers for a moment as though she is deciding how to answer. Then she says, "She's probably at her bench."

Her bench? "I'm not sure what you mean by her bench, Effy. I don't know about that."

"It's out by the observatory. She goes there sometimes. It's worth a look there if you don't mind a bit of a walk."

Effy gives me directions to the right path, saying, "Keep your eyes out for the cigarette glow once you get to the open field. That will be her." Then she wishes me luck, which seems strange. I'm not sure I'm ever going to understand her. No matter. I say thanks, grab a torch from my room, and start heading to this mysterious bench before I lose my nerve.

**X X X**

**Naomi**

I love this place. It is dark, quiet and secluded. My mind was racing when I got here, my past and present colliding, and battling for prominence with the anxiety I feel about the rescue and my concern for Effy. But being here has helped. It always does for me, especially at night under the blanket of stars.

My thoughts are quieter now, more organized. I am less wired, more at ease. That does not last though. I tense and come alert when I hear footsteps heading my way. I see torch light when I turn to look behind me. My hand goes to my pistol and I am about to ease myself off the bench and into the shadows when I realize that it is Emily. There is something about the way she moves that has become familiar to me. I relax back onto the bench just as the torch light hits me and I hear her speak.

"I hope you don't mind. Effy told me I would find you here."

Now that throws me. Effy does not usually meddle quite so obviously. And after her challenges to me today I am surprised that she is throwing Emily back in my path. She is bloody determined to force this issue one way or the other, obviously. Or who knows, maybe she just needs a diversion from her own problems for a while. Either way, I am not impressed.

"I came here to be alone." Not the warmest greeting, I realize, but subtlety does not seem to work on Emily, and I do not trust myself to be here alone with her.

She ignores my comment and sits down, turning off her torch as she does.

"You are very annoying," I tell her. I am kind of amused at her cheek, and I have to hide a grin despite my reservations about the wisdom of being out here with her.

"Yeah, well you seem to inspire it in me." I am pretty sure she is grinning, too, but her face is in shadow and I cannot be sure.

I wait for her to say something. But she just sits there, looking out to where we can hear the river run below us. I grab my cigarettes and lighter from my pocket just to have something to do with my hands. To avoid looking like a complete twat, I offer her one. She takes it gratefully - smokes are hard to find these days, and are horded pretty jealously. These are pretty crap, harsh and unfiltered, but at least they are something. I light them both, and then we sit, smoking together, just enjoying each other's company. I should be losing it, freaking out that someone is invading my sanctuary, especially Emily. But instead I find myself relaxing a bit more with each drag. What is it about this girl?

The night is getting darker now and the stars are coming out in full force. The view is truly remarkable now that there is no light pollution to speak of. The Milky Way, in all its amazing glory, blazes above us.

"It's so peaceful." That's Emily.

"Yeah. It is. That is why I come here. I like watching the stars." Oh jeez. I cringe inwardly. That was _so_ uncool.

"What's your favourite colour?" Emily again.

"Excuse me?"

"Your favourite colour, Naomi, it's not a hard question."

"Why?"

"It's just a question. You know, chit chat, small talk, getting to know each other. So, what's your favourite colour? Come on, don't be a prat."

I consider her question for a minute, and why she is asking it. In the end, I decide there is no harm in answering. "Green. Yours?"

"Blue, like your eyes. Favourite animal?"

What the fuck? Blue like my eyes?

"Come on, Naomi, favourite animal?" She just blows right by the whole "like my eyes" thing like it is nothing.

"Um... I don't know, what's yours?"

"Panther." She doesn't even hesitate, no thought required. In the glow of her cigarette I can see she has this small smile when she says it, as though there is an extra meaning to the word.

"When were you born?" She is looking at me with those big, beautiful eyes, with no pretense, no games. And I find that I want to answer her questions; that I might even want to ask some of my own. I find that I like how I feel with her beside me, and for now, for just this moment, I want to keep feeling it without analyzing it to death.

"I'm 25. How about you?"

"The same. Favourite t.v. show?

"Friends."

"Really? Me too! I totally love Phoebe. Remember the "She's your lobster" scene? Phoebe talking about old lobster couples walking around their tanks holding claws? Too perfect." She giggles softly. Good god, how much cuter can this girl be?

"Family? Parents, siblings?" Emily asks next.

I think briefly about my father, the colossal arse-hole. But I do not want to talk about him or how he abandoned us. He was the first to leave me, but not the last, and nowhere near the most important. Still, he is far too heavy a subject for tonight and one that I hate thinking about anyway. So instead I find myself telling her about my mom, Gina. I tell her about how she took in strays my whole childhood until our house was like a commune. About how I hated it at first because I never had any privacy and nothing was ever just mine despite the fact that I am an only child. I tell her about how my mom loves herbal tea and thinks there is a tea to cure anything that could ail you. I tell her how Gina once banned bananas from the shopping list in some kind of feminist fit. I tell her about how she took me to protests from the time I could walk, and taught me to fight for what I believe in no matter what the cost, about how she drove me insane when I was young, but how she also made sure I never doubted for a second that she loved me. I tell her everything I can think of, immersing myself in the comfort that is my Mom.

"She is a cliché," I say fondly.

"She sounds like a nice cliché."

"She is. She is lovely, really. I miss her every day. She got injured in the riots after the fire. We got her North for treatment once we teamed up with the militia. She is a lot better now, but her knee will always be a problem. So, we had to leave her and Paddy in Blackpool when Kieran and I came here."

"Kieran and you? You mean Commander MacFoeinaiugh?" I laugh at her surprise.

"Yeah. He is my step-father. Well, technically he isn't because he never actually got to marry my mom, but that is just a detail. He is the only father I have ever really known. Enough about my family. What about yours?"

Emily leans back with her arms bent and resting on the back of the bench, her legs kicked out in front of her. "Well, you've met Katie. She can be a bitch, but she's my sister and I really do love her, even though I often want to kill her, too. She is the closest family I have, and I know she would do anything for me in the end. I told you a bit about my Dad already. He's pretty amazing. He's obsessed with fitness. He actually owned a gym Before. To be honest, he's a bit odd, but deeply, deeply lovely. He's my rock, really. And he gives the very best hugs on earth."

She pauses then. "My Mom's something else, though." I can see a dark cloud cross her face. "She didn't take it well when I first came out. Truth be told, she still isn't really okay with it. But she had to accept it after the Crash. She needed me. Needed my help, at least. So, I was allowed back into the family. I think I earned her respect over the years, but I can't say that we're actually close or anything." There is a real sadness there, it is obvious. And my heart breaks just a little that this amazing woman would be treated that way. Emily does not seem interested on dwelling on it though. She shakes it off and keeps talking.

"I also have a younger brother, James. He's a little pervert. Totally obsessed with lesbians. When I first came out to my family, he had a crush on my girlfriend, who I will admit was rather beautiful." There's that incredible grin again. "So, he started wearing dresses to impress her. He figured he'd have a better chance with a lesbian if he wore a dress! He and Cook would get along really well, I think."

She giggles at that, and I find myself laughing for the first time in as long as I can remember. It feels wonderful, and I start to lose it a bit, laughing more than the story really warrants. I am laughing so hard that I lean over and accidentally knock my shoulder into hers. As soon as I do, I feel that spark again, all the way up and down my arm. I catch her eyes, her glorious, warm, welcoming brown eyes, and I am just mesmerized, frozen in place. My laugh dies in my throat as I look at her. I can feel her moving closer, turning towards me. As she does our legs make contact, and I hear her breath hitch. I know where this is going, but I cannot seem to find it in myself to stop it. I don't want to stop it. My eyes flick to her mouth and I lick my lips in anticipation. I can't breathe.

"Just give me a, give me a fucking…" She says as she leans in slowly, oh so slowly until her lips hit mine, just softly, barely there, but so warm, so gentle. It is quick, the contact over almost immediately, but it shakes me to my core. Bloody hell. She leans her forehead against mine, taking my hands in hers. I inhale her scent. It is citrus and soap and smoke and something intrinsically Emily. It is intoxicating.

I feel her right hand trace my cheek, and suddenly she is kissing me once more, deeply, passionately, her lips caressing mine before she pulls back to look into my eyes. "Say something," she says.

I am held still, overwhelmed by my reaction to her. My heart is hammering, my thoughts jumbled. My whole body is humming, vibrating with the shock of her. Instead of speaking, I move my hands behind her head and pull her back to me, kissing her hard. I feel her tongue on my lips and I moan, melting into the feel of her. I open my mouth for her and, oh my fucking sweet Jesus, she tastes so good. The kiss lasts forever, tongues touching, testing, lips exploring, savouring each sensation. She nips and bites and sucks and tastes every bit of my mouth. I tangle my hands in her hair. She pulls me even tighter when I do, pressing our bodies together as closely as she can while we sit on this awkward bench. Fuck I need more, I want more. She turns her focus to my bottom lip, licking it, pulling it, nipping at it gently with her teeth. It is breathtaking, mind blowing. Nothing matters but the sensations she is building in me, the way she feels in my arms, the way she makes me feel in hers. I take my turn then, kissing her, learning how she feels, what she likes. I take my time, relishing, delighting in each new sensation. And yet it is still over far, far too quickly.

Emily breaks away, breathing hard, needing air. She moves just far enough to look at me again, my hands still tangled in her hair, her hands still tangled in my shirt.

"You liked that."

She smiles at me, wolfishly, daring me to deny it. I can't catch my breath. I am blown apart; completely overwhelmed by the force of nature that is Emily Fitch. Every nerve ending is screaming at me to pull her back, to kiss her again.

"Yes," I whisper, holding her eyes with mine, caressing her beautiful face with my fingertips, my thumb running gently across her lips. "Fuck yes, I liked that."

I am starting to pull her back in for more when it hits me, what I have just said. Oh my god. _Fuck_. Yes, I did like that. Bloody hell did I ever like that. What have I done? Sweet Christ what have I done? Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! This isn't right. This is betrayal. I just, I can't… Fucking hell, I can't do this. I can't do this to her. Not now, not yet, it's too soon. It's not right.

I scramble to my feet and start backing away from Emily, in full scale panic attack, desperately trying to get my bearings back, to get some distance, to get control. I can hear Emily standing up, starting after me as she frantically calls my name. But I don't stop. I turn away. And I run. I run as fast and as far as I can.

**X X X**

**Don't kill me! It will get better… won't it? Review button is below if you feel like chatting about it...  
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	8. Chapter 8

**Before I get started, I have to give a credit to whyyesitscar. The story Naomi tells about Cook stabbing himself in the butt in chapter 5 was directly inspired by a story whyyesitscar told on twitter a few weeks ago. I included as a tip of the hat / homage like the musical tributes in chapter 2. I had a thank you in the original postscript A/N for chapter 5 explaining all that, but apparently I managed to lose it when editing between versions because it is not in the version that made it to FFN. Typical. Anyway, **whyyesitscar has written some of my favourite Naomily stories, including Swan Song. If you have not read that story yet you should, because you are missing out on something really special. ****

**And if you have not read EmZ2009's conclusion to Feel It yet you are also missing out. Go read it. Go! You won't regret it!**

**As for this chapter, well, you know how sometimes how things have to get worse before they get better…? Yeah. Well. This is one of those times. Angst zone ahead.**

**Chapter 8 – And it all falls down…**

**Emily**

I can't believe it. I just had the most life-altering, earth-shattering kiss of my life and as soon as it was over Naomi bolted. I don't know whether to laugh or cry or kick the ass right out of her. At the moment, kick the ass right out of her feels like the best bet. I'm pacing like a madwoman around and around the bloody bench, stopping every now and then to vent my anger by giving it a solid kick and yelling, "Fuck you, Naomi Campbell" at the top of my lungs.

She is the most frustrating person I have ever met, bar none. Even my mother never did my head in like this. That kiss… Jesus, there is no way she could kiss me like that and not mean it. She _has_ to feel this, too. She just has to. But if she does, then why the fuck would she run like that, as though all her worst fears were chasing her? I want to tell her to go fuck herself for running out on me. But whenever I try to imagine never kissing her or holding her again it just kills me. I have made a mistake. A bad one. At some point as we kissed I let go of my heart and I gave it to her. It literally feels as if my chest just opened up and let her walk inside. And her answer to that was to run away, leaving me here in the dark. As the reality of that sinks in I fall onto the bench and start sobbing my heart out in huge, gasping tears. I cry until I can't any more, until I am spent.

I don't know how long I've been at the bench, but it's late now. I should try to sleep but there's obviously no way that's going to happen tonight. Instead, I make my way back through the forest, struggling to see the dark path in the torchlight through my red, swollen eyes. I manage to get back to the barracks in one piece and decide to head for the mess to see if I can get some tea. There's no real tea left, just herbal crap, fucking shortages, and of course it won't be hot because the electricity is out. But I need something, anything, to give me some measure of comfort tonight.

When I get to the mess I'm surprised to see Effy there. She's tucked in the corner by herself, just sitting in the half-dark. I know she saw me come in, but she hasn't moved. I get my tea from the kitchen, and walk over to her table.

"You're up late," Effy says. Her voice is flat, and she looks about as happy with life as I am right now.

"Yeah. You too."

"I couldn't sleep. Bad dream." She looks distracted. I briefly wonder what's bugging her, but I don't have it in me to deal with her problems right now. I have too many of my own.

"Yeah, me too," I say bitterly, "I just had mine while I was awake."

"I have a little experience with that, too," Effy says and chuckles grimly. Again, I think about asking for an explanation – there is obviously a story to go with that little comment – but right now I just can't worry about anyone's feelings other than my own. So instead I quietly slide into the seat opposite her, holding my mug in both hands.

"You look like shit, Emily," she notes, eying me up and down. "What's happened?"

"Naomi," I tell her.

"Ah." She nods. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I'm pretty sure Effy would prefer that we didn't, but I can't help it. I need to talk to someone, and she's here, so she'll do.

"We kissed."

Effy's eyebrows barely move, but I can tell she's surprised. Still, she doesn't reply, and that pisses me off all over again. "What the hell is going on with her, Effy? Every time I think I'm getting through to her she shoves me back. What is that?"

"I'd like to help you, Emily, but it's not my story to tell."

"Jesus! Why does everyone keep saying that?" I am frustrated, and I end up raising my voice. Effy doesn't even blink an eye.

"It's like I've been telling you all along, Emily," Effy says. "It's complicated. More than you know."

"Effy, I need more than "it's complicated." I know you have this whole "don't talk, be mysterious" thing going on, but I really need you to give me more than that. I mean seriously, what the hell is going on?"

I can see her trying to work out whether to say more. In the end, she does. "Naomi went through something bad, Emily. We all did, but it hit closest of all to her. I know we all have our stories since the Crash, but hers has got her caught in its grip and she keeps getting lost in its shadows. She's trying really hard to come back from it, but she can't quite let it go. Not yet. But she sees you, Emily. She can't help but see you, and that's part of what's making her crazy."

"That's not good enough."

"I know. But for what it's worth, you are the first new person I've seen her care about in ages. I think you could be good for her. But you're going to have to be patient. Because she is going to keep getting tangled up fighting between what she thinks she is supposed to do and what she _wants_ to do until she can't fight it anymore. Give her a chance to come around, Emily. You know this already, I think, but she's worth it."

And with that, Effy gets up from the table and walks away, stopping only briefly to rest a hand on my shoulder as she passes. That was the most I have ever heard her say in one go, and even though I don't really have any more answers than before, she has made me feel at least a little better. She didn't tell me what's going on. But she didn't say it was hopeless, either. And she seems to actually be okay with the idea that Naomi and I could get together. I have somehow managed to pass the Effy Stonem test as someone good enough for her best friend, and as crap as the rest of the night has turned out to be, I have to admit that, at least, feels good.

**X X X **

**Naomi**

I got up early this morning, before sunrise. It was not hard to do since I had not really slept. I did not want Emily to be able to find me last night so I huddled up in the briefing room instead of going back to my room. Between being buffeted by my relentless thoughts and the freezing cold of the night air, sleep was not exactly an option. It is obvious that I have almost no restraint around Emily now. She invades my mind and I cannot control my reaction to her. I was an idiot to think I could. Everything I am feeling for her just keeps making me feel unfaithful and I cannot handle it. I need to put some distance between us, at least for a while longer. And so, I find myself back at Command after returning from another day in Bath, pleading for Kieran's help and understanding.

"Kieran, please. I am begging you. Please, _please_ transfer Emily off the team, just for a little while. I can't cope with her right now, it's impossible."

Kieran moves around his desk towards me, resting his hands lightly on his hips. His posture is deceptively relaxed. If I did not know him so well, I would have missed the signs. But I can tell already that this is not going to go well.

"Is she doing her job?"

"Yes, it's not…"

"Does she know what she is doing?"

"Yes, of course, but…"

"Has she screwed anything up?"

"No, but that's not the point!"

"It's exactly the point, Naomi, and if you'd take your head out of your arse for a minute you'd see that. She's a good tech and a good fighter. And we need her to make the rescue plan work. You know that as well as I do. And she is a good fit with the rest of the team. If we bring in someone new now we won't have that." He sighs, putting his hands on his hips and looking me square in the eyes. "Naomi, whatever problem there is here, it is yours, not hers, and you need to get over it. She is the best possible choice for this mission, and nothing, but nothing is more important that this mission."

I see a chance to use that, and so I grab it. I am getting desperate now and I will try anything. "But that is my point, Kieran. I can't focus right now, not with her around me. So, for the sake of the mission you need to keep us apart." That is total b.s., but it is the one straw I can see to grasp at, however wildly.

Kieran does not buy it. He walks towards me, laying a hand on my elbow. "Naomi, I know it's hard. I can see that, and I understand it. But you need to let her do her job, and you need to do yours."

"No, Kieran. Just… no. I can't do this if she's involved."

"Naomi, that's enough. I know your shooting is back on form so don't give me that crap. I get reports every day, for god's sake. Two days running you've hit every target from every vantage point and every distance, and you did it again today. So whatever your problem with Emily is, it _isn__'__t_ interfering with your shooting, not any more. This isn't about you being able to do your job. This is about you running scared. I've let you push this so far because I love you, but that's enough. I don't have time for this anymore and neither do you. You are the leader of that team, and Emily is your Comms Tech. That is not going to change, so figure it out. I want to be really, really clear about this, Naomi. I don't want you back here about her again. I love you, lass, but you need to stop acting like a twat, and you need to start right now."

"Love me? Yeah, right. You sure have an odd fucking way of showing it, Kieran. Thanks for fucking nothing!"

I crash out of the office again, slamming the door behind me with my heart beating a mile a minute. That's it. My one chance of avoiding this emotional clusterfuck is gone. I am trapped. There is no way for me to avoid Emily now unless I blow off the whole mission, and he fucking well knows I won't do that. I can't do that. I let off a small piece of my frustration with a scream as I slam my arm and fist against the wall. It is impressively loud. Too bad it doesn't change a damn thing.

**X X X **

A couple of hours later I am heading back to my room to try to catch up on some of the sleep I have missed over the past two nights. I skipped supper and grabbed a cold shower instead, washing off the dust from the day and trying to clear my head at the same time. No luck with that, unfortunately. As I make the last turn, I see Emily coming towards me in a rage.

"What the actual fuck, Naomi?" I have never heard her speak so harshly. She is so angry she is visibly shaking from the effort to restrain herself, and her hands are clenched tightly at her sides as though she has to hold herself back from hitting me. "You asked Kieran to transfer me off the team? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

I don't know what to say, but I know I do not want to have this conversation in the middle of this hallway.

"Can we talk about this in private please?" I start walking up the hall towards my room, which is just a few feet away. I don't really want her in there, but it is better than the alternative. Emily mutters under her breath but then follows me. When we get into my room she closes the door and steps towards me as I step back.

"Just so you know, my first thought when I see you, is not 'I want to fuck that girl.' We've kissed. It was nice. But it's also nice just being with you, when you're not being a prick, that is."

"Emily…"

"No. No, Naomi, this is _not_ okay. You don't get to run to daddy Kieran and try fuck with my job here because you get a little uncomfortable. We had a moment. It was nice. It meant something to me, and I thought it meant something to you. But obviously not or you wouldn't have fucked off like that, and you sure as hell wouldn't have pulled this bit of shit. If you aren't interested all you had to do was say so, but this? No fucking way do you get to play with me like this. People have manipulated me all my life – not any more. You don't want me, fine, but don't you dare fuck with me like that ever again. Jesus. Just… seriously, just fuck right off, alright? When you decide to stop being an ignorant cunt you can let me know. In the meantime, you do your job and fucking well let me do mine, and other than that, just stay the hell away from me."

She leaves the room, slamming the door behind her. She has completely misunderstood what is going on, completely misunderstood my reaction. She is obviously done chasing after me this time, and I can't decide whether I should be glad about that, or heart-broken. I did not want to hurt her and I certainly did not want to piss her off like that. Everything is just spiralling out of my control. I am so tense from being on the receiving end of so much anger from her that I have to take a moment before I can even move. The idea that she might actually hate me for this has my stomach churning. I am sweating from the stress, and my shirt is sticking uncomfortably to my back. Before I can process what just happened, or get even the smallest grip on my reactions to it, my door opens again and Effy comes storming in.

"You are a fucking idiot, do you know that?"

"And what are _you_ pissed at me about." Jesus, I cannot deal with anything more today.

"You should be more careful when you go running to Daddy, Nai." Oh, great, she knows, too. Fucking hell, am I ever going to catch a break?

"Yeah, you _should_ look worried. One of Katie's team was walking by the office and heard you popping off about taking Emily off the team. He told Katie, of course, with whom I have just had a _very_ uncomfortable conversation thank you very fucking much, and Katie told Emily, who, as you probably know, is in the process of losing her tiny fucking mind."

"Yeah, I already had a visit from her, thanks so much for the warning."

"You are a complete idiot!" Effy's frustration is obvious as she runs her hands through her hair, looking back up at me with a look so sharp it could cut. "Do you not get how lucky you are?"

"Lucky? What the fuck do you mean 'lucky?'"

"An amazing woman is standing there with her heart in her fucking hands just waiting for you to let her in. You should be dancing on air with glee, grabbing hold of her as fast as you can and instead you are being a total fuckwit. Do you have any idea what I would give to be in your shoes? To have the person I want want me back? And instead, I get to watch you piss it all away because you are too fucking scared to take a chance. You have never disappointed me Naomi, not in all the years I have known you. But you are definitely disappointing me now."

That does it. That is more than I can take. "Don't you dare take your shit out on me, Effy. It's not my fault you can't have Katie, and you have no bloody right to compare the two situations. They are nothing alike and you fucking well know it, so don't you pull "you're disappointed" on me. That is not fucking fair!"

Effy stares me down for another moment, and then just shakes her head and leaves my room. She does not even bother to shut the door behind her. Jesus Christ, what a mess. What's next? I collapse onto the floor, leaning back against the wall with my knees pulled to my chest, and I stay there until I can stop the shaking that started as soon as Effy walked out the door.

**X X X**

**Emily**

A few days have passed since my fight with Naomi. I am no further ahead at controlling the way I feel about her, either the attraction or the rage. The team has been given a day off from the mindless recon missions. While I appreciate the break from that boring routine, the change in schedule has just left me with even more time to think. I need a break from that, too, so I haul myself off my bunk and head to the mess for yet another cup of tea. That seems to be all I do when I'm on base these days; head to the mess for another round in the endless trail of crappy teas.

Before I can make it through the line, I'm flagged down by Cook. "Hey, Emilio. Gonna have to wait on that tea, yeah? We just got called to a briefing."

That's weird. Briefings are always first thing in the morning, and this is the first I am hearing about having one now. I ask Cook what it's about, but he's as much in the dark as I am. We start heading to the briefing room, stopping along the way to pick up JJ. Apparently Naomi and Effy are already there.

When we get to the briefing room, I'm surprised to see that Katie and Thomas are there, too. I'm even more surprised to see Commander MacFoeinaiugh. A long table and some chairs have been moved into the room, along with a couple of black boards and what looks like a pile of maps or charts. Naomi and Effy are already sitting near the front of the table. Katie, Thomas and the Commander are standing talking to each other by the centre blackboard. Katie gives me a nod in greeting, but stays focussed on what Thomas is saying.

When he notices that we have arrived, the Commander tells us to grab seats. When we are settled, he tells us that what we are about to hear is highest level security clearance. I sit up straight at that.

"You have probably been wondering what Naomi has been doing for the past weeks. She has been training for a top secret mission that you are about to be briefed on. You will each have a role in this mission, and from this moment on, every waking minute will be focussed on preparing for it. Mr. Tomone and Ms. Fitch will begin the briefing. If you have any questions, ask them. If you see potential problems or a way to do things better, speak up. We have a lot of ground to cover and it is important that you are each completely clear on what is expected of you."

With that, he gestures to Thomas and takes a seat himself. The rest of the briefing is almost surreal. We have to rescue some guy, but they won't tell us why – just that it's "essential to our defence." Finally, we are going to get some action. Although I'm starting to get the feeling that this may be more than I was bargaining for. I sneak a look over to where Effy and Naomi are sitting. They don't look surprised, but if they know more than we do they aren't saying yet.

The weirdest part for me is when Thomas tells us that the reason we know where the hostage-takers are, and what their plans are, is because of Katie. I mean, I knew she was good at her job, but this is a whole new level of good. Thomas is a man of few words, but he makes a point of giving Katie huge credit for what she did. I confess I don't understand it – it's something to do with using traffic analysis to identify probable locations, and then applying rotating decryption algorithms and a whole lot more that basically meant blah blah di blah to me. When we all looked a little blank, Katie simplified it.

"We looked for any site with a lot of transmissions in and out, analyzed each for whether it made sense as location to hold a hostage, including topography, access to water, easy exits, and so on. Then we narrowed it down to three possible sites, and studied each one until we could break their codes and figure out for sure which one was the one we were looking for."

Looking around the room it's clear that even that isn't really simple enough, but we've got the gist. And for our purposes, all that matters is we know where they are and there is a plan for getting the hostage out.

Thomas is talking to me now, running through the communications monitoring they have in place, and what communications systems we'll be using during the op. He's going to connect me with some of their team, including Katie, as well as the Communications Unit to get me up to speed on what I'll need to know, and to do, during the mission.

The Commander takes over, walking JJ and Cook through what their roles will be. He moves on to fill us all in on what Naomi will be doing during the rescue. I'm surprised that she will be the sniper. From what I have seen lately, she doesn't seem stable enough for that, but the Commander seems to have confidence in her. And so does Effy, if I'm reading her expression right. Maybe she knows something we don't. Even Cook must have some of the same concerns I have, because he looks over to Naomi and asks her about it.

"So how's your shooting been, Naomikins? It's been a long time…"

Naomi nods her head, acknowledging his question, and his concerns in one smooth movement. "You all have reason to wonder about that, so let me assure you, my shooting is solid. It was not when I started, but it is now. You will get a chance to see that for yourself at the training grounds."

Despite everything that's happened, I'm looking forward to seeing her in action. I've been hearing about "Naomi Campbell the sniper" for years, but have never had the chance to see it in person.

The Commander takes the opportunity to tell us about a training compound they have set up at Bath. That's where we'll be spending most of the next week, it seems. The plan is to start with daytime training there tomorrow to get the basics of the op under our belt, and then we'll switch to night training as we get closer to zero hour.

When the briefing is over and all our questions have been answered, we are to split up to focus on our specific tasks. Before leaving the briefing room, I take a moment to congratulate Katie on her success. "I have to admit that I didn't understand half of what you said Katie, but from what Thomas said, you obviously did something pretty amazing here. I'm really proud of you."

Effy moves by us on her way out of the room. "Good job, Katie. Well done." She gives Katie a smile, and is just about to continue on her way when Katie answers.

"Thanks, Effy. Hey, take care of my twin out there, okay?"

Effy seems a little surprised by that request, as am I. Like I need someone to take care of me! Before I can object, Effy says, "Of course." Then she looks back at me and when she sees my face she adds, "We'll all take care of each other, right Emily?"

Given how screwed up the team is right now I'm not at all sure that she is right about that, but there's no point worrying Katie about it. "Sure, Effy. Of course." She throws Katie another smile and heads out the door.

I say my good-byes to Katie, too, even getting a tight hug from her, and a whispered, "Stay safe." I'll see her again before we leave, but she's already worried. I know she hates it when I'm out on a mission, especially one as dangerous as this is likely to be.

I head over to the communications building to be briefed on all the equipment we'll be using, how to fix it, and what's going to be expected of me during the rescue. JJ does the same with the munitions group. Cook heads over to logistics to be briefed on our planned route, what non-communications equipment we'll need, and how we'll pack it all on the Rovers and still maintain balance and sightlines for the guns. I don't know where Naomi and Effy got to, but I assume that Effy is being briefed on the sniper shot Naomi needs to make – or at least what the intel is saying the shot will be like.

We all have a lot to do and learn, and not a lot of time to get it done. And I have to figure out how I'm going to pull off my part in the middle of a team with Naomi fucking Campbell. Right now, the best plan I have is to ignore her as much as I can. Not much of a plan, I know, but now that I know about this mission I'm even more pissed at her for trying to get me moved off the team. Since I can't kick her ass in the circumstances – still my first choice - ignoring her is going to have to do at least until the rescue is complete. All bets are off after that.

**XXX**

**Naomi**

Our little happy family is anything but and it is really starting to get to me. I mean, I know life is messy and raw and imperfect, and that is what makes it compelling. Perfection sucks. It's boring and flat and uninteresting. But right now, I could really use a little less mess in my world. It is so fucking imperfect that it is killing me. I totally get now why "may you live in interesting times" is a curse and not a blessing. If my life gets any more fucking interesting I am going to explode.

Emily is blanking me again this morning. She will speak to me if the work requires it, but otherwise, nothing. Not even a good morning. And from someone as warm and welcoming as her, it is pretty noticeable. Things are getting tense between Cook and Effy, too. He knows something is off with her, but of course she will not tell him what. I have tried to protect her the best way I can by telling him that she is just pissed at me and it has nothing to do with him. I figure that is least I can do right now. He knows Emily is pissed at me, too, so he didn't question my story.

Even so, Effy is keeping her distance from me. She is still seriously upset with me and is not shy about letting me know it. All in all it has been a rough couple of days. The tension is freaking JJ right out. He has been locked on a half a dozen times already and it's not even noon yet. The whole fucking team is falling apart just when we need most to come together. The rescue is less than a week away. We have got to find a way to get past all this shit and work together again.

For now, though, I need to try to concentrate on today's exercise. We are back at the training ground in Bath. We are traveling in our normal team vehicles. My driver was released from that duty once the full team was on the road together again. When we were loading up this morning, just like every morning we have come here, Emily didn't even wait for me to assign seats. She just climbed into the truck with Cook and JJ without a backward glance. I should not be surprised by that – I am the one who pushed her away after all - but I still don't like it.

We went through our team checks once we arrived at the site and then we split up to head to our respective positions. We are just running our own portions of the plan today, not coordinating with the extraction team. I am in my firing position, running a communications check. Effy and I realize pretty quickly that while I can transmit, my walkie isn't receiving. Apparently Cook was mouthing off about laying bets on whether my shooting streak would continue or not, but I could not hear him. He was pretty excited when things went well yesterday. Effy clued me into the reception problem I was having and passed on the fact that Cook is betting on me missing at least once today. Nice. I know he is just playing with me, but now is really not the time.

I decide to go ahead with the test run anyway, with Effy just relaying to me any information the others send that I need to know. What I don't realize is that Effy has called in Emily to fix the problem. Instead of letting me know, she just lets me get blindsided by Emily's arrival.

"Naomi?" Effy is trying to get my attention.

"What?"

"Emily is here"

I turn my head to see her, and feel my body react to her presence. "What…?"

"I need to look at your walkie..."

Right. The walkie. Damn Effy anyway. I stand up out of my prone position, making sure first that my rifle is secure and clicking on the safety. Once I am standing, Emily moves towards me. She is deliberately not making eye contact. But she has to step in close and go up on her toes a bit so that she can get to the handset, which is in the top pocket of my armoured vest right over my left breast. It is connected to an ear piece and a transmitter that wraps around my throat and sits next to my larynx. I can feel the transmitter rise and fall as I swallow hard. Emily has to reach up and lean into me to disconnect the handset and pull it from the pocket. The feel of her so close to me and yet so distant is torture, and I know I have only myself to blame. I chose this, I made it happen.

Thankfully, it does not take her long to remove the unit and disconnect it from the peripherals. I take a step back from her while she works. Being that close to her is messing with my head. It does not look like she is having the same problem, though. From what I can see her concentration is absolute. I realize that I have never seen her do the specialized work she is known for. She opens the handset and explores it for a minute. It does not take her long. I can see it on her face when she spots the problem. She makes some quick readjustments, I can't quite see what, and then closes it up again. Emily does a test call that JJ answers, and it is done. She definitely knows what she is doing.

"All fixed," Emily says, handing me back the walkie. She obviously does not want to get close enough to me again to put it back in my chest pocket. As soon as I take the unit from her, she turns away without another word. I watch her walking away from me, heading back to her position. Fucking hell. I have spent hours upon hours trying to find something not to like about that woman, something I can use to brace up my walls against the pull I feel towards her. But there is nothing. There is absolutely nothing not to like. She is smart, and kind and warm and funny, and worst of all she is sexy as hell. Even in full combat gear she is the sexiest woman I have ever met. And she does not seem to have any idea of the power she wields. How screwed up is it that being pretty much ignored by her is just making it worse, not better? I have to keep reminding myself of the reasons why I have pushed her away.

"Ready, Naomi?" That is Effy breaking into my reverie, bringing me back to reality as usual. We have work to do, and no matter how upset with me she may be Effy will not let that get in the way of us doing our job. I shake my head to break my trance. I need to get my head back in the game and focus on making this shot. I do a little mental pep talk, and then go through my pre-shot routine. I have to do things in a certain order. I guess I am a bit superstitious, but it is more about being consistent. That is what helps ensure a perfect shot. That and the mantra I still use despite everything: the memory of Emily Fitch saying she believes in me. Her voice in my head has become an essential piece of my routine, as fucked up as that is in the circumstances.

Effy sets up along-side me once I am in the prone position. She is my spotter. It is her job to work out wind speed and direction, adjust for elevation, help me determine distance to the target, and if I miss, she will have only a split second to figure out where the wayward shot went and to give me the necessary corrections for a second shot.

Effy and I have done this many times before, so we slip into a familiar routine fairly easily. This training session is more to continue familiarizing the others with their roles, especially JJ and Emily who have the most to do. But it is still a chance for me to practice my shot so I am working with live ammunition. We go through the full drill a half a dozen times, and then call it a day. We debrief at the trucks, and work out some small changes that we'll implement at the next practice run when we put our bit together with the extraction team's bit.

Talking through the communications aspects with Emily during the debriefing brings back with full force my reaction to her standing so close to me to get my radio. I flush red from the heat caused by my attraction. I know we need to talk about this. The tension with Emily is getting to me, and is obviously getting to the rest of the team as well. I can't let this fuck up the mission. I can't let her in, but I can't completely shut her out either. We need to find a way to work together for everyone's sake. As we're loading up for the drive back, I almost decide to shift the seating for the trip home so that Emily rides with me, but I don't. I do not want to make it so obvious. I decide instead to find a moment to talk to her in private back at the base.

Effy is not too interested in waiting, though, and she starts in on me almost as soon as we climb into the Rover. "Interesting day," she says once we are on the road, eyes locked like lasers on the side of my face.

"Yeah, it's good we got the chance to be out here as a team."

"Not what I meant." And she sits there, leaning against the passenger door, staring at me as I drive, her right foot tucked up under her butt. I can feel the disapproval coming off of her in waves. I don't answer. I mean, what can I possibly say that I haven't said before?

There is silence for a while before Effy says, "You need to deal with this Naomi. We leave in 5 days and the team is all over the place. You need to make it right and you need to do it today."

I don't know why she keeps pushing me and it is really starting to piss me off. I have no good answer for her that won't just push us into another fight, so I just stay quiet, staring straight ahead at the pockmarked, broken road.

"You could have a second chance here, Nai. And instead you are letting your fear fuck it up." I know right away she is talking about Emily and how I reacted to her today, but I still do not answer and I still do not take my eyes off the road.

"That's not what she'd want, you know." I know right away that this time she is not talking about Emily at all.

"Everyone has their breaking points, Nai. I should know – mine have been splintered and patched so many times I've lost count. But you don't have to cross that line. You didn't break then, Nai, not completely anyway. And I know you won't break now. You have friends, people who love you who will help you through whatever comes, just like we did before."

My emotions are getting out of control as I listen. I can feel the anxiety rising, and I know I need to get Effy to stop before it is too late. "I really don't want to talk about this Eff."

Effy looks at me for a minute more, then turns and looks out the windshield. "Fine. But you know I'm right. You can't change what's already happened. I wish you could. But you can't. And she wouldn't want you to wait forever."

She has hit a nerve with that one, square on the most sensitive spot I have, and I hit a different kind of breaking point. All the frustration and worry, all the conflicting emotions, and stress and uncertainty, and all the crippling fear that I have been bottling up comes flying out of my mouth. I can't seem to make it stop. I unload it all on Effy. "Jesus Christ, Effy, can you maybe just fuck off and leave me alone for once in your fucking life? I have enough to deal with right now without you endlessly pushing me to do what you want. No matter what you think you aren't really some all-knowing prophet, you know? So just fuck the hell off and stop pushing me! And while you're at it, how about you start fixing your own fucked up life for a change instead of constantly trying to screw around with mine."

Effy does not say a word. She looks at me with her "nothing affects me and I don't give a shit" face – the face she never, _ever_ uses with me - and then turns away and looks out the passenger window, ignoring the venom I have just spewed between us.

We spend the rest of the trip in silence. I am grasping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles have gone white. I don't know how to even begin to fix what I just did, and Effy obviously is not interested in anything I have to say right now anyway. The gulf between us is huge and feels like it could be unbridgeable. I am an asshole. Such a complete and total fuck up of a friend. But Jesus, why does everyone have to keep pushing and pushing me? Why can't everyone just leave me the hell alone for even one minute?

When we arrive at the base I tell Cook to write the debrief report. He tries to ask me what is wrong, but I take off before I can do anything else to make things worse and before anyone else can get up in my face. I don't know where I'm going, but I know I have to get the hell away from here before I lose it again.

I move blindly without any set direction, just heading into the empty city, needing to keep gaining distance so I can get back some control. My thoughts jump chaotically from relief to anger to remorse and back again, but one question keeps haunting me: How the hell do I keep finding myself running, pushing away the very people my heart most wants to be near?

**X X X**

**So, it is probably quite obvious that I am not a sniper, and in fact have never held a gun or rifle in my life. But it is amazing what you can find if you google "how does a sniper set up for a shot?" Scary as hell, but amazing. I have no idea whether the source I used is a good one, so if there are glaring errors or omissions, please excuse them.  
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**And don't worry, Emily and Naomi will actually talk to each other again. Soon, I promise.**

**If you feel inclined to review, I would love to know what you think.**


	9. Chapter 9

**First, thank you to the lovely folks who have taken the time to leave such encouraging reviews. It absolutely makes my day to see them pop up in my in-box. And thanks to the people who are still alerting and favouriting. Much appreciated.**

**Second, a quick reminder that this story is rated M… conduct yourselves accordingly!**

**Finally, thanks, as always to MM without whom the whole beginning of this chapter would not exist.**

**I don't own Skins. Sucks to be me.**

**Chapter 9 – Apologies**

**Naomi**

I have been walking for hours, covering a lot more ground than I would have thought possible. I just let my feet take me wherever they want to go while my mind runs in circles. I have been going over everything that has happened in the past six months; all the loss and the fear, the missions, the screw-ups, all the feelings I do not know what to do with. It keeps going round and round in my head. I keep trying to understand how so much of my life could get so screwed up. Everything is flying out of control, and I no matter how I approach it, no matter how I try to come at it, I cannot find a way to make that stop. I am not fooling myself any more. I have accepted that I am falling for Emily despite how much that scares me, despite not wanting that right now, despite how complicated it is. I keep trying to find a way to make it feel okay, but I just find myself rehashing the same thoughts, the same fears. So I keep walking.

The city is so strange now that it lies abandoned. It is burnt and crumbling, almost sinister in its emptiness and devastation. The absence of sound resonates more than you would expect. There are no cars or horns or calling voices, no vendors hawking their wares, no barking dogs, not even the hum of the overhead wires that now trail brokenly on the ground. The quiet is unnerving and yet comforting at the same time. For long periods the only sounds besides the call of the few birds that still make their nests here are the scuffing of my boots, and now and then, my voice swearing my frustrations up to the sky when my thoughts get too much for me to contain. I am only partly aware of the buildings as I pass. The empty, grey husks represent a different time, a different life. They are merely sentinels now, their only role to mark my solitary passing. I stumble by them, wrestling with the demons that are haunting me. I rest only now and then, to ease my aching feet, to dry my blurring eyes. Finally, I stop completely when I find myself at the river's edge. The sound of the water moving past is soothing to me. It has flowed by here for centuries and will keep flowing for years to come. There is some comfort in its permanence. So I stay by it, staring down into its depths as though the answers that I seek might be found there.

I do not really know where I am, other than by the river. I am exhausted, drained, and I am no closer to understanding what I should do than I was when I started. All I know is that I cannot take this anymore. I have to find a way to make it stop for a while. I just really need everything to stop.

**X X X **

**Emily**

Sometimes it feels as though all I do these days is watch her walk away. Naomi, that is. But this time it's not because of me. She took off as soon as we got back on base, and since the only person she's spoken to since we left Bath is Effy, it has to be about her this time and not me. I suppose I should be relieved that I'm not the only one who causes her to run, but I'm not. Effy is her best friend. If Naomi's started running from her, too, she must be even more messed up than I thought.

After Naomi took off I turned to see what Effy was doing. She had her head down and was collecting her gear out of the Rover. I could see her lips move as she muttered to herself but I couldn't hear what she was saying. I noticed that she was collecting Naomi's gear, too, which was a lot to handle at one time, so I started towards her intending to offer an extra hand. When she heard me approach Effy looked up.

"Not now, okay Emily. Not right now."

I stopped moving and said, "I was just going to offer to help carry something."

"Nice thought. But there's no need. I'll be fine." With that, she loaded up and started heading to the barracks without another word. She didn't even say good-bye to Cook or JJ. Whatever happened on the trip home obviously upset Effy as well as Naomi.

"Emilio! Give us a hand, will ya love?" Cook waved me back to the other Rover. We needed to remove the built-in comms units and weapons so they can be checked and serviced before the rescue mission. Naomi's orders. It was going to take the three of us a couple of trips to get it done.

I headed back to the Rover and started carefully disconnecting the comms unit. Cook was working just beside me on the machine gun. "You shouldn't worry about them, Red. Eff and Blondie have been fighting with each other off and on for a decade now. They'll sort it out. They always do."

I nodded at him, and smiled my thanks. It was sweet of him to worry about me worrying. But he didn't know that I was worried about a whole lot more than just Naomi fighting with Effy.

"Do you think the pressure of this rescue is too much for her, Cook? I mean, you told me yourself she wasn't ready yet for full scale missions. And here she is flying off to who knows where after just a couple of training runs."

Cook looked over at me, having to slightly pretzel himself to do it because of the position he was working in. "I think so, Red. She's freaking out over something for sure, but her shooting's fucking aces and that's gotta prove something, right?"

I wished that there was a little less of a question in his eyes when he said that. He grunted as the bolt he had been working on finally came loose and he had to reach up quickly to stabilize the gun. He used that as a reason to change the subject, and we got back to tearing down the equipment.

It's now a few hours later and JJ, Cook and I have just finished dinner. Neither Effy nor Naomi showed up to join us. We know where Effy is; Cook stopped by her room on the way here, and she said she wasn't hungry. He's going to take her a sandwich later to make sure she eats something. But no one has seen or heard from Naomi since we got back from Bath. All we know is that she left the base right after she left us. The guard who checked her through didn't ask where she was going. I'm worried that this fight with Effy, whatever it was, was the last straw. I know Naomi's been under a lot of stress with the mission, with me, and with whatever was bugging her before I arrived. Maybe this time she finally snapped.

However mad I am with her, I can't help worrying about her, and my heart hurts to think of her out there by herself. She shouldn't be alone.

"Cook, do you think she's okay?"

He knows I'm talking about Naomi. I've been asking him questions like this all night.

"I hope so, Red." The longer she's gone the more worried he's getting, too. He even checked her usual hiding spots a while ago, but there was no sign of her. She has really disappeared this time.

"Do you think she'll come back?" The question is out of my mouth before I can stop it. I didn't mean to risk making it real by speaking the words out loud.

Cook's answer is quick and certain. "She'll come back. She always comes back. And she wouldn't leave us. Not now."

"Not ever." That's JJ. He's rocking quickly back and forth on his chair, but even though he's upset he seems even more certain than Cook. I find that more comforting than I would have expected. If they think she's coming back, then I'll just have to try to believe it, too. But I know I'm going to wonder, and worry, until I see her again with my own eyes.

**X X X**

**Naomi**

I sat by the river for a long time. I rested and I worked through all my options again and again. In the end, the only conclusion that I reached was that I had to go back. Even though I am no further ahead figuring out anything else, even though I still have no idea what to do, I at least have to go back. I am actually pissed off at myself for that. I am so fucking predictable. No matter that everything in my life is shit, I have a mission to complete. And because of that, because of my overactive, overgrown fucking sense of duty, I can't leave. I want so badly to just pick a direction and take off; ignore everything and everyone and just start all over again. But I can't. And so, eventually, I made my way slowly back to the base. At least having stopped by the river made it easier to find my way. I followed along its banks until I got back to a sector that I recognized, and then worked my way back to the gate. It was full dark by the time I checked back in and I realized just how long I had been gone.

I know my team will have been worrying. But there is something I need to do before I deal with them. There is someone I need to talk to if I am going to be able to hold it together and make this work. So, I cobbled together every phone credit I have and begged and pleaded until I was allowed to taken an advance against every credit I will earn for months. And then I called my mom. I could not tell her about the mission, obviously, I mean there is nothing secure about the connection. But I have told her everything about me and Emily, and about the fight with Effy, and about how overwhelmed I am by it all. She already knows everything that happened before so I do not have to rehash all that, thank god.

The connection is shit. The cables have been severed and mended so often since the Crash that it is hit and miss whether you can get through at all, and if you do, the signal often cuts in and out with no rhyme or reason. Still, just hearing her voice, even distorted by the static, is helping. Gina has been my rock since the Crash, even after she got hurt. Just talking to her is like being wrapped up in my favourite security blanket, and I really, really need that right now.

"I don't know what to do, Mom," I say talking while holding back tears. "I don't know how to fix this. I have messed everything up. I don't even know where to start to make it better."

"Did I ever tell you how angry I was when I found out I was pregnant with you?"

"Is this going to cheer me up? Because I really need cheering up, okay?" God, please don't make me feel any worse!

"I'm getting there. I had met the man of my dreams. I wanted to travel the world, fuck on every beach in India, be in love. And then I found out I was pregnant."

"I can only apologize." Why is she telling me this?

"And you know your dad turned out to be a shitty little prick and it was all a little bit rubbish - until you made my life complete and really rather fucking wonderful."

"I did that?" I am taken aback. I know she loves me, I do. But it is pretty amazing to hear her say that I made her life wonderful. The smallest glimmer of a smile crosses my face as I try to take in her words.

"I wasn't expecting it. The people who make us happy are never the people you expect. So when you find someone, you've got to cherish it." I know she means Emily. She can tell from what I have said so far that I have feelings for her, feelings that I have been trying so hard not to have.

"But what if it happens again, Mom? I could not take it if it happened again." Even I am surprised by how small my voice is when I say this. It is so hard to acknowledge the possibility out loud.

Gina knows that this is it. This is reason why I called. She takes her time thinking about how to answer me. And when she does, her voice reveals her concern. "Sweetheart, Naomi love, if you live your life worrying about the worst that could happen instead of embracing life and hoping for the best, then you won't be living at all. You might as well just curl up and die instead. You are too special for that."

"But how can I be sure that it will be okay?"

"You can't."

"That's great, Mom, that's really helpful."

I can hear her take a breath, trying not to react to my angry tone, trying once again to find the words to help me.

"I'm just being honest, Naomi. The fact is that you _can__'__t_ be sure. No one can. Because _nothing_ in life is sure, especially now. But you _can_ choose to grab what is in front of you and wring every ounce of love and life and joy and happiness from it for as long as you are able. And that, Naomi, _that_ is living. That is what life should be. That is what I want _your_ life to be. And the chance to do that, to live each moment we have to the fullest, that is the only guarantee we get. And I just think that choosing not to take that chance because you might get hurt sometime down the line… well, I just think that's foolish, love. And you are anything but foolish. You know this, sweetheart. You know that having love today, real honest to god love, is worth whatever loss we may feel tomorrow. In your heart I know you know that, Naomi. You just have to find the courage to believe it again."

I am about to answer her when I realize that we have lost the connection. The comfort of her voice and her words is gone. I sit there for a while longer, cradling the phone in my hands and replaying all the things my mom had said. My head can almost accept her logic, but my heart, oh my heart is not yet convinced.

I am not getting any further with this. I decide that before I do anything else, I need to see Effy. I need to apologize and try to fix that bridge, at least, before I risk burning down more. I have to pass my room on my way to Effy's, and as I head up that corridor I see her sitting in the hall leaning against the wall beside my door. Okay. I was not expecting that at all. I was sure that I was going to have to find her and convince her that she should talk to me.

"Hi." I cannot make myself meet her eyes just yet. I know Effy was out of line, too, but I think I did more damage than she did and I am honestly ashamed of how I behaved.

"Hi back."

I slide down the wall to take a seat on the floor beside her, not close, but close enough. We both lean back, needing the support that the wall offers.

"Have you been here long?"

"A while."

There is uncertainty in her eyes when I finally bring myself to look at her, something that I have never seen before when she was talking to me. "I am sorry, Ef. I really am. I don't know what I am doing. I just… everything is so out of control, and I… I should not have yelled at you no matter how upset I was. I know that."

Effy reaches out and touches my face, searching my eyes as she cups my cheek and then tucks my hair behind my ear. "It's okay. We'll be okay. We have too much history for this to get in the way." She drops her hand back to her side and takes a breath. "But Emily is different, Nai. You have to understand that. With her you can wait too long to fix things. And if you do, you can't go back."

"I haven't been a very good friend to you lately," I say.

"No, you haven't," she smiles sadly, as she gracefully raises herself off the floor, "but you will be again." She holds out her other hand then. "Here."

She is holding Pato, her stuffed giraffe, the one she has had since childhood, the one she made me go back into the psych hospital to save in the midst of all the chaos after the Crash, all those many years ago. "It's a loan, Nai. I want him back. But I think right now you may need him more than I do."

I feel my eyes tear up, and I have to choke back a sob as I stand up and gently take Pato from her hand. There is no greater gesture from Effy than this. Effy lightly kisses my cheek and then walks away. I wipe my eyes and take the first deep breath I have taken since I first saw her waiting outside my door. We will be okay, just as she promised. She would not trust Pato to me if she did not believe that completely. It is her way of letting me know she loves me. It is also her way of telling me just how worried she is about me.

I head into my room. It is late, but I need my bench tonight. So I place Pato softly, reverently onto my pillow, marveling again that Effy would choose to share him with me now, after everything I did and said. Then grab my torch and start the familiar walk out to the park.

**X X X**

**Emily**

I have been tossing and turning for hours, my thoughts wrapped up in the rescue details and in Naomi, when I hear a soft knocking at my door. For a minute, given the late hour, I think I must have imagined it, but then I hear it again. I get up, throwing on my knickers and a t-shirt. When I open the door, it is Effy.

"She's back. You should go see her. I think she's ready now."

"What?" I am struggling to follow what she is trying to tell me.

"Naomi. She's back. She'll be at the bench. You should go." And with that Effy walks away, heading for her own room down the hall.

I close the door and lean my head against it wondering just what kind of mind fuck she has going on this time. She knows Naomi and I aren't speaking. She knows how angry I am and why, so what is she thinking telling me to go see her? Especially at the bench. I mean, the last time I was there – the only time I was there – was when we kissed and Naomi ran. That's where everything started to fall apart. It will be impossible for me to keep my distance if I go back there. Jesus. All I have to do is think back to how hard it was for me to work on her walkie today, to have to touch her without being able to pull her to me to hold her. I couldn't even put the handset back in her vest once I'd fixed it. I knew that if I touched her again, or if I looked up at her one more time, I would lose it.

But this is Effy, and she doesn't say anything without a reason. And it is Naomi. And even though I'm still angry with her, and hurt by what she's done, I know deep down that I'll do almost anything, risk almost anything, for a chance to be with her. And Effy's telling me I have that chance. That has to be what she meant, right? I mean, why else would she have come to me, of all people. Why else would she say Naomi is ready now?

I know that I'm going to go. I have no idea what I'll find, or do, once I get there. But there's no way I'll get through this night unless I try. Fucking Effy, stirring everything up all over again. Why couldn't she just leave it alone?

I find my pants and boots, and pull on a jumper, and grab my torch, swearing at Effy the whole time. A half hour after Effy's knock, after a near miss when I was jumping the creek, I clear the woods and start making my way through the field to the bench. I can see her in the moonlight, sitting there staring up at the stars. I stop a few feet away from her. I still don't really understand why I'm here, or what I'm going to say, until I say it.

"Everyone keeps telling me that it's complicated. But it's not, Naomi. It's really not."

She isn't surprised to hear my voice. She must have been able to hear me coming for a while. I'm half-way surprised that she didn't just take off again. I can see her look up at me, but she doesn't answer. "I just wanted to kiss you. I want to kiss you now. And that's all. It's simple. All you have to do is decide whether you want to kiss me back."

Finally, she answers. Her voice is quiet, gentle almost. "It's not that simple, Emily. You don't know. You don't understand."

"So why don't you tell me? Help me understand."

"I can't. I wish I knew how, but I don't. Can't you accept that sometimes things really are complicated?"

I nod at that. She's right. "Yes. Sometimes they are. I know that. But this doesn't have to be, Naomi. We don't have to be. Unless you make it."

"I don't know what to do. I think… I…" The strain in her voice, and the pain, are evident, and they break through the anger that has been holding me back. I still have doubts, but I know I don't want her to hurt like this.

"So keep it simple. Take one step at a time." I'm trying to get her to relax, to lighten up. I've been moving closer to her, and I'm close enough now to sit beside her, so I do. I'm half poised to jump up again if she starts to bolt, but she doesn't move away. I take that as a good sign, and decide to try again, just once more, to get through.

"Just let me in, Naomi. You can trust me, I promise. It's okay. Please just let me in."

**X X X**

**Naomi**

God, I want to believe her. I want to open up, to trust her, to just let myself get lost in her without worrying about the rest of the world for once. I have been sitting here for the past hour going over and over my mom's words. I am trying to find the courage to do what she said; to face my feelings for Emily. I have been reliving each moment Emily and I have shared, right up to the moments we had at this bench; I have been remembering her touch, her taste. I am almost crazed with want for her already just from the memories, and all my efforts to block them out, to focus on the reasons why I should keep her away, are falling to dust. My mom's words urging me to find my courage keep ringing in my ears. And right now, right at this moment, I am desperate to touch Emily again. I want to believe. I want to feel her arms around me, holding me close. I have been trying so hard to fight it but now she is here, right in front of me. I can see her and feel her and smell her, and the pull to her is so strong, the attraction so fierce, that I cannot fight it any more. I don't want to fight it any more. Jesus Christ, this is Emily. It feels as though some part of me has been waiting for her all my life. So I stop thinking, just for a little while. I can think tomorrow. But for now, I just want to be with her. I turn back and throw myself towards her, my hands grabbing her shirt, pulling her into me. "I can't stand it, I can't."

I feel her lips on mine, I hear her voice telling me over and over, "It's okay, it's okay," and I let go of everything that has been holding me back. I let go of the past and the future, of the fear and the loss. I embrace everything that she is offering me and I let her calm my doubts and ease my pain. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

We fall to the ground, our limbs entangled. I grab her jumper and start pulling. I want it off, need it off, right now. She lifts away from me just enough to free her arms and throw it aside before plunging back down, laying her whole body along mine, moving her leg between my own, grinding into me with her thigh. She runs her sweet lips up my neck and across my jaw and I gasp. She is breaking me apart with every touch, every whisper, every taste. She leaves a trail of little kisses, and licks and nibbles, and I am on fire, my senses raging. I need more, so much more. I want to bury myself inside her and make her scream. Or have her do the same to me.

I feel her start to pull at my coat, and I sit up so she can get it off me. I release my holster and toss it and my pistol under the bench. Emily carries on, lifting my shirt over my head. I hear her breath hitch when she sees me, her eyes scanning across my body, taking in what she is seeing for the first time. She reaches out to me, caressing my stomach, rising slowly across my ribs and up my side. I am frozen, every ounce of my being focused on the point of contact between her hand and my skin, and the fire that radiates from even the smallest passing touch. I can't think, can't move.

She moves in then and kisses me, taking my bottom lip in her teeth. I groan, begging for more. Her tongue slips into my mouth, exploring, claiming, tasting, as her hand slips behind my back, running gently up my spine until, with the smallest flick, she unhooks my bra and slips it off my shoulders. Her eyes rake over my breasts, searing me with their intensity. I feel her lips move to my neck, across my collar bone. Just as I think I will explode from anticipation she takes my nipple into her mouth, pinching the other gently between her fingers. Oh God. Oh fucking hell. I feel her teeth pull gently. More. I need more. "Harder, please. Jesus, please harder." She growls then, she fucking growls at me and I grow instantly wet, flooded with raw desire.

She looks up at me and reads the message in my eyes. She knows now. She sees. This is not going to be loving and gentle, it can't be. I can't handle that. She understands. I need her to take me, hard and rough and fast. I haven't been touched in so long that anything less, anything softer, will destroy me, will rip my tender, still raw wounds wide open again. So that is exactly what she gives me. She licks and bites and marks me as hers. It is almost feral how she claims me. It is all fingers and tongues and teeth and scratches and bites. Her hands are harsh and quick and deep as they move across me, in me, through me. It is everything I want and everything I need. She takes possession, as thoroughly as it can possibly be done. Our voices cry out and our hearts pound in a syncopated rhythm. And I lie there, open to her, writhing and swearing. I am holding onto her with all the strength that I possess, my nails digging into her back, leaving my own marks on her, until I explode under her hands and her mouth, screaming her name up to the sky.

It takes me a while to come down, to come back to myself. When I do, I realize that I am shaking and crying, releasing everything, finally starting to let go of all the pain and loss and fear that I have held so close for so long. Emily has wrapped me in my jacket and she is holding me safely, gently, in her arms. I cannot believe the comfort she can give me just by holding on. I tell myself that it is okay. For tonight, just for tonight, it is okay for me to lean on her, to let her in. I feel her breathing even out as she falls asleep. And I stay with her, safe in her arms. Just for a little while.

**X X X**

**Whew. Well then. _Finally_, I can hear you say. What? It only took 9 chapters and 45,000 or so words. I hope it was not too cringe-inducing and was at least a little bit worth the wait. Anyway. Yeah. I'm just going to go blush wildly somewhere else now. And also…. GINA! I just love her. Had to find a way to fit her in and this seemed like the perfect way.**

**Review button is below if you feel so inclined.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks to everyone who is reading, and especially those who take the time to review. There have been some anonymous reviews over the various chapters, which means that I cannot write back to say thank you directly, so thanks to you as well: Kudo, Anon, Mew, and Marie. And to Anon, PMs are private messages, which people with profiles can send to each other through the FFN system.**

**Sorry this is late. It has been ready to post for a while now, but real life got in the way.**

**Fair warning - this gets pretty dark. **

**I don't own Skins. **

**Chapter 10 – Revelations**

The sun is just starting to knife its way through the window when I wake. I am back in my tiny room, tucked under a pile of old woollen blankets, still fully clothed. Something woke me up, but I am not sure what. It could have been the sunlight, but I do not think so. I have a split second of peace before I remember where I am, and more importantly, why I am here now instead of where I was last night. Flashes of the night pass through my mind like photographs, and my body instantly reacts to the memories. Emily. I slept with Emily. No, that is not right. It was so much more than that. I do not even know how to describe it, but I know that it has changed everything. I am not at all sure that I am ready for that, which is why I am here now, and not with her.

"Naomi." It is a voice from the doorway. Oh, shit. It must have been the door opening that woke me up. Why the hell didn't I lock that last night? It is Emily. Of course it is. Beautiful, gentle-eyed Emily. This is going to be bad. I groan involuntarily and pull the blanket over my head. My head hurts from lack of sleep and my whole body throbs with the remnants of last night. I am sore everywhere, with bite marks and scratches and more to remind me what we did together, to each other and with each other.

"Naomi, we need to talk." Sweet Jesus, are there any more terrifying words in the world than those, especially coming from her? She is angry again, and upset, I think. It is hard to tell from just her voice and I cannot seem to find the courage to uncover my head to look at her.

"Twice. You've done this to me twice." Angry. Oh, fuck. I start to push deeper into the bedclothes, trying to block out her voice.

"Naomi, no! You fucking stop right now!" Emily has stepped into my room and closed the door. She has crossed to me and is pulling against the blankets, trying to get them off me. I will not let her, and roll further into them, hiding ever deeper from her presence.

"Do you have any idea what it felt like to wake up this morning without you?" She has let go of the blanket, and stepped back towards the centre of the room. She cannot be that close to me and say what she says next. "It was fucking devastating, Naomi. It was shattering. To know you left me there again, and after that? After what we shared last night, what we did last night? I don't know who you think I am, but I don't just do that. And I definitely did not deserve to be deserted like that. Not by you, not by anyone."

It is my fault. I was so lost last night, so confused about what to do, about whether my mom was right. So, when Emily, beautiful, sweet, caring Emily came to check on me, when she was right there with me after being so pissed at me for so long, it was just a little too easy to let myself get lost in her eyes, her voice, her touch. It was not fair. I know how she feels about me, she has never hidden it, not from the first moment we met. She is far too brave for that.

But she is too kind, too smart, too compassionate, too everything - altogether too much for me to cope with, and definitely too much for me to lose. I could love this girl someday, and that petrifies me to my very soul. Right now my heart does not know whether to ache for the lost, or beat wildly for the found. And yet, when she looked at me last night with those loving eyes, when she gently asked me if I was okay in that voice, that incredible, sexy, comforting voice, I could not help myself. I kissed her. And when she kissed me back, I kissed harder, deeper. I have no idea what possessed me, but possessed is the right word for it. I could not stop myself. Not then. Not when the most beautiful woman I have ever seen was offering herself to me, freely and without reservation. So, I kissed her. And she let me. And then she took me. Her licks and bites and touches shattered me completely, time and again; healing me, helping me, with such love and such care.

I could not take it. Emily's passion is so strong that it is overwhelming, frightening. Being touched by her is like grabbing a comet or a red star by the tail. I know that if I give in, if I let her in any further, I will be dragged into her orbit and I will never get out. And if I lose her then, I will burn up right alongside her. So, I ran. Of course I did. It is what I do.

I woke before she did, while it was still dark, and I panicked. All my barriers had come down. I could not keep any distance from her once she touched me. She gets too close. She sees too much. She wants too much. So, I left her there. I could not run far, of course, the base is not that big and they would not have let me leave it at that hour, especially after I disappeared in the afternoon. But my message was clear. Or at least I thought it was. And yet there she stands in the bloody doorway, _still_ not letting me go, not letting me hide.

"I can't do this," I say to her. I have unbundled myself from the blankets but I am still looking away from her, focusing hard on not looking at her. If I look at her I am done.

"Can't do what?" Her voice is cold and hard. But she will not let me off the hook. She is going to make me do this, damn her. She is going to make me spell it out.

"This. Us." I am staring at the wall now, trying desperately to keep my voice from shaking.

"Why not?"

"Just… because. I can't, alright?" I am starting to raise my voice, starting losing control all over again.

"For fuck's sake, Naomi. No, it's not alright." Emily is yelling right back. She is pissed for sure now. Really, massively pissed. But I think she is hurt even more. I hate that. I hate that I am hurting her. But I do not know what to say or do to make it better. Everything I think of will only make it worse. So I sit there, and hope she will give up and leave. Of course, she doesn't. She's Emily Fitch.

"You don't get to decide this for both of us." Her voice is calmer now, but I can tell it is hard for her to keep it that way. "We have something here, Naomi. Or at least we could if you would stop being such a prick. What we had last night, that just doesn't happen to me. What I feel for you, I've never felt that before. So, no, 'just because' isn't good enough. I deserve better than that, and you know it."

I can hear her pacing. I know she is staring at me, waiting for me to do something. She stops, eyes boring into me. I hear her take a deep breath, and can almost feel her trying to pull herself together. Then she scares the crap right out of me when she walks over and sits on the edge of my bed. I feel her reach out and take my hand. She is trying to force me to make eye contact but I will not let her. I lean my head down so my blond hair covers my face, and I try to pull my hand away. She just grabs on harder, refusing to let me go. She holds it with both of hers, and rubs circles on my palm with her thumb. Fuck, even that is sending shock waves right through me. Why does she have to have this effect on me? She reaches out her hand and gently cups my cheek, raising my head so that she can see my face.

"I'm falling in love with you, you know." Oh my fucking god. Oh shit. I can feel myself starting to panic. It is too much. It is everything. I want it and I hate it and I… Jesus, what is she trying to do to me?

"You're the most frustrating, aggravating, arrogant, short-tempered, stand-offish, cuntish twat I have ever met, and I think I love you. I love how fierce you are, Naomi. I love how you take care of everyone around you. I love how you try to be so strong all the time, even when you aren't. I love that you use that bench like a security blanket, and you like Phoebe, and watching the stars. I love that you would spend all afternoon dying my hair just because I asked you to. I love the way you talked about your mother, and the way you take care of your friends. I love you, Naomi. And I want to be with you." I am curled around myself now, trying to insulate myself from the power of Emily's words, of her touch. I want to disappear, to be anywhere but here so her words cannot reach me. But I am helpless against her, exposed. She has moved from "_I think_ I love you" all the way to just "I love you", all in the space of one breath. I am afraid to look to see if she has realized that. If I look I think we may both be lost.

"I notice, you know. The little things you do? You take care of everyone. I see it. I see you. And I love you for it. I do. And I want more."

My mind is racing. She has to stop saying that. If she loves me then how in hell will I ever be able to stop myself from loving her, why can't she see that? I mean, sweet Jesus, that is precisely the problem, precisely what is so fucking terrifying. But I say nothing. I just try to fold myself even further away from her, wrapping my free arm around my knees, tucking them into my chest. I put my head on my knees and shut my eyes tightly, willing her to go away. But she does not. She will not.

"Naomi, I won't hurt you, I promise. Please trust me. I know you. I know you are lonely." Her voice breaks then with emotions, a strange mix of hope and fear that I have caused. She takes a shuddering breath, bracing herself before she speaks again. "I want you and I think you want me, too." Her voice cracks again, this time with tears, "So be brave and want me back."

Oh shit, she is crying now and it is my fault. What do I say to her? How can I possibly explain? How can I make her understand when I do not understand myself? She has opened herself up to me, put her heart in harm's way, and I cannot take it. I just... I can't... bloody hell, what do I do now?

I feel her shift on the bed while I lay there paralyzed with indecision. I have waited too long.

"Okay, you win," she says, standing up, talking through her tears. "I will leave you alone, for now. But this isn't over, Naomi. It can't be. Not now that I know that you feel the same way, too. And last night proves that you do. No one could touch me like that, respond to me like that, who didn't care about me. No one could say my name like that and not mean it. So run as long as you want. I'll be here when you decide to stop." Emily sighs, then wipes her eyes on her sleeve once more. She turns and heads towards the door. I start to panic. Bloody hell, what I am I doing. What I am thinking? I cannot let her go like this. No matter how fucked up I am, I cannot hurt her that way. I know how far she let me in last night. I know how devastated she will be if I let her leave. I cannot do that to her.

"Emily." It is almost inaudible when I say it. My voice is rough and hoarse. But she hears. She has her hand on the door knob, but she stops, still facing the door. She does not turn around, does not look at me, but she stops.

"Please don't go." I am grasping at straws, my mind flailing madly, struggling to find a path, a way to make this right. Emily turns towards me then. There are tears streaming down her beautiful face, her hair still mussed from the way my hands wound through it so often, so passionately, last night. She looks at me but does not say anything. Her eyes are not cold, but they are not welcoming either.

"Just…. I want to… I mean… Shit!" I groan in frustration, trying to get a handle on my fears, on what I am about to do, trying to form just one coherent fucking thought before I destroy everything, before I destroy Emily. I have never been so bloody inarticulate. I throw the covers off and slowly walk towards her. I stop, leaning my forehead against the wall just next to her and close my eyes. I hesitate for just a moment, before I decide. I know what I am going to do now, what I need to do. I reach my left hand toward hers, until they are just barely touching, pinkie to pinkie. She does not pull away and I am so relieved that I cannot begin to describe it. I take a few shallow breaths and swallow hard, grabbing for every ounce of courage that I possess.

"Would you go somewhere with me? Please, Ems?"

Emily stands there for a minute, as though she is trying to figure out how to respond. "Where?"

Her voice is hesitant and uncertain. I understand that. I have not given her much reason to trust me.

"It's not far. But it's not the safest place, even now." I look over at her face, just for moment. "You will need to gear up, boots and weapons and camouflage." I squeeze her hand for a split second and stand up, moving away from her, looking down at my feet. I do not want to pressure her, but I desperately want her to agree.

"Meet me by the gate, okay, in 15 minutes." She does not answer right away, and my last nerve frays completely. "_Please_, Emily."

She looks at me then. I can feel her eyes, trying to gauge what is going on, whether she can trust me. "Alright, Naoms", she says, "15 minutes. I'll get my gear." She has always been so fucking brave.

I shiver at the nickname. She used it last night, too, and the memory of her calling me that, whispering, "Come for me, Naoms," into my ear sends waves of heat right through me. As soon as she has left the room I close the door behind me and slip slowly down onto the edge of the bed. I wipe my hand across my face, drying my eyes. What the fuck am I doing?

But, I know I need to do this. Emily needs to know, deserves to know, and I need to tell her.

**X X X**

Emily and I have been on the move for about two hours now, first by jeep and now on foot. I had to make a lot of promises to get approval for us to leave the base, but luckily Kieran was on watch and he knew I would not ask unless it was important. I told him I thought it was my best chance to get the team working as a team again before we have to leave for Weymouth, and he gave me his blessing to try. He is worried, I know, that I am going back here. But he loves me enough to let me try. And he needs this, or something, to work for the sake of the rescue. My team is a mess and unless we sort it out, the mission could be in real trouble. Or at least that is what I told him when it looked as though he was not going to let me do this.

So now Emily and I are standing on a dirt road in a flat plain in the Mendip Hills near Somerset, facing a barely visible animal trail that winds steeply upwards through the trees and rock towards Cheddar Gorge. We have been here for a while. I am not sure how long as I have gotten lost and tangled up in the memories.

Emily just touched my shoulder, which is what snapped me out of it. She is nervous. She should be. We are in plain sight in the middle of a relatively open space, and we are on our own with no backup. Kieran knows where we are, and we can call for help if we need it. But for all intents and purposes we are alone. I cannot believe that I have left us standing here, of all places, like this for so long. But the memories are too strong, and I cannot fight them here.

I nod at her to follow me, and I start walking up the trail. It is hard going. The path is studded with grey stones that crumble and shift underfoot making every step a challenge, and the hill rises quickly. It is hot and dusty, and we are both sweating and breathing hard. After 5-10 minutes or so of tough climbing, we reach a small plateau that is sheltered by overhanging rock. I stop there, and lower my pack. I set my rifle down beside me where I can reach it fast if I have to, and Emily does the same. Then she lowers the communications pack off her back and sets it safely under the overhang.

I sit down and pull out my cigarettes, offering one to Emily. She looks confused, and more than a little worried, but she sits down and takes the smoke. I light both cigarettes and take a long drag on mine. She takes a draw from her water jug then and looks out over the valley, her eyes constantly moving, and constantly keeping watch. It is a good thing someone is. I finish my cigarette, crushing it out and pocketing the butt from habit. I take a deep, shuddering breath, wipe the first tears from my eyes, and begin.

"Her name was Jamie. She was my wife."

I see Emily's head snap up towards me. The look of shock on her face almost makes me laugh. But not quite. Not here. And not about this. I pause for a moment to let her take it in, and to brace myself for going on.

"We got married a little over 2 years ago. Marriage had never been important to me before the Crash, but after … once I met Jamie, somehow it seemed right. I think I was looking for the security of it. Like it would help keep us safe. But everything is so fragile, isn't it."

I get a bit lost, thinking back. "She was beautiful. Really, naturally beautiful. Small, like you, but with black hair and green eyes. And she loved me. With every heart beat and every breath she loved me. I never really understood why she bothered, what she saw in me. But I never for a moment doubted that she did. She made sure I knew it and believed it, in a hundred different ways every single day."

I pause again. It is hard to explain what we had, what was so special about it, especially to Emily. I want her to understand, but I do not want her to be hurt or threatened by it. "It was mostly little things. The silly things she would do and say if she thought I was starting to mope or if I was being my usual bitch self. She would leave little notes around for me to find them - bits of poetry or cartoons or just saying "hi". And she could never walk by me without touching me, you know? Just a little touch, nothing big. I'm not sure she even knew she did it."

As I speak, I sink into the memories. It has been a long time since I let myself do that. I have spent much more time trying to block those memories out, so I would not have to face up to all that I have lost. I have almost forgotten that Emily is with me now, even that we are on this ridge. I am drowning in the memories, holding them as close as I can to keep back the pain that is coming, that is inevitable.

"I loved her, too. With all my heart. She was everything to me. I thought we would grow old together. I thought we would have it all." I take a minute to gather my thoughts, to bring myself back to why we are here, who I am with. My voice hardens, steeled with resolve as I move onto the harder parts.

"She was part of the team. She joined us about a year or so before we got married. We met at a food depot. She was working there, and we went to get supplies. We liked each other from the beginning. So, we would find ways to spend time together. We did not take it too seriously for a while. It seemed crazy to even try. But we got to where we did not want to be apart. So, it just made sense for her to join us. She left the depot and started learning about communications, just like you. She got pretty good at it, too. She fit in with the others. She was good at her job. It all worked. We worked."

I have no idea how Emily is reacting to this. It feels wrong to look at her while I talk about Jamie, so I have been staring at my feet instead. But this is part of what she needs to understand. It is the start of what I need to tell her. And so I carry on. I am getting to the part that breaks me every time. I am getting to the day it all changed. I can feel my chest tighten as I fight to find a way to tell this story. To finally face my truth with the person who most needs to know it. I knew this would be hard, but it is worse than I expected. I clench my eyes shut and crack my neck, breath in hard and start again.

"Everything was fine until about 6 months ago. We were behind the lines like usual, just moving from point A to point B to set up for a new mission taking out some low life or another. It should have been routine. The area we were in was still dangerous then, still being fought for by the guerrillas, but it had been relatively quiet. We were not that far from the base in terms of distance, and from the intel we had we did not really expect to run into any hostiles. But then we blew a tire. One goddamn tire. Right down there. Right in plain view, with no cover at all." I point to the flats below us where I had zoned out before. I never thought I would find myself back here again, here where everything fell apart. It is surreal. I can almost believe the memories are just fragments of a nightmare, haunting me still. Except, of course, I know better. Emily just watches me, silently. She is giving me all the room I need to be able to get this out. Still, it is hard, so fucking hard to say out loud, especially to her.

"We were almost clear. We just needed a few more seconds to finish the repair and we would have been back under way. But we were spotted. It was the worst possible timing and the worst possible luck. We could hear them coming, but we could not get the fucking tire changed in time. They were on us suddenly, everywhere, out of nowhere. All we had time for was to grab our weapons and try to take cover behind the Rovers. It did not take long before we had to bug out though. We could not make a stand where we were. We were just too exposed. So, I called a retreat up this hill. The crossfire was unbelievable. It was a fucking miracle none of us got hit. There were just enough nooks and crags for us to duck behind as we climbed. We had a few cuts from the shrapnel and the rock chips from where the bullets hit around us, but nothing serious. I had the lead and I held up when we hit this ridge. It seemed as good a place to try to make a stand as any. I called out to Jamie to radio for backup, but she did not answer. When I looked around, Cook was right in front of me. He just looked at me with these wild eyes, and said, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

I have to stop again. Fuck, my feelings are crushing me. I have not talked about this since it happened. With every word I am reliving it. I find a rock to stare at, narrowing my focus to just that spot, forcing myself to keep it together long enough to get this done. My hands clench and unclench over and over, my nails digging into the palms of my hands. I am sweating again, although the day is far from hot.

"That was the first moment I realized that Jamie was not with us. Everyone else was, but not her." I wrap my arms across my chest and start to rock.

"I started to head back down the cliff, but Cook grabbed me and threw me up against the cliff, right there," I nod my head at the spot I mean. "He trapped me there with his body. I was crazed. I was howling like a banshee and hitting and kicking as hard as I could. I think I even bit him at one point. And he took it. He took it all." I pause, take a breath, and wipe the tears and sweat from my eyes and face. I cannot stop rocking. I am breathing heavier now. Each word I utter pressing down on me.

"Eventually Effy got in my face and yelled at me to stop, that I was not helping, and we had to think about what Jamie needed. Effy looked me right in the eye and told me that the only person who could help her now was me and I could not do it if I kept freaking out. She told me to get a fucking grip. That Jamie needed me."

My voice almost disappears. I am so lost in the memory now that I am not sure I will be able to come back. "Jesus, I remember it like it just happened. I can even feel her breath on my face."

I realize that I am crying, like I have so often before over this, the loss just completely overpowering, and as real to me as if it was happening again right now. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. I am fractured. My worlds have traded places and I am torn now between the memory that feels so real, and what is happening now, which feels so unreal. I want to look at Emily to see how she is reacting, but I am too afraid.

I start to talk again. My voice is flat, numb. I am so drained and I have only really just begun. "It took everything I had, but I finally got a hold of myself, got myself back together. Effy nodded at Cook, and he let me go. I looked over the ridge. There were dozens of guerrillas down below, all standing there, looking up at where we were. And there she was, on her knees right in front of them, feet crossed and hands behind her head. She was looking up, too, trying to see us in the hills. I could see her lips move, but I could not figure out what she was saying."

"Effy touched my shoulder and said, 'We can't leave her like that.' I didn't answer. I was wracking my brains trying to figure out what we could do. Jamie had all the communications gear so we couldn't just call in back up. We only had one sniper rifle, so taking them all out at that distance was impossible. We were fucked. And then we heard it. The guy holding a gun to her head was yelling up at us through a bull-horn. Ah fucking hell… I can't… I just… I need a second. I just need a second."

Emily does not say a word as I fight to find some fragment of control. She is watching me, I can feel it, but she does not push and she does not interrupt. I battle with myself to keep going. Jesus, what is the point of putting myself through this if I don't finish it? I need to finish it. I clear my throat and start again.

"He told us that if we surrendered, he would be 'merciful'" – I choke on that word, "and kill us quick. But if we didn't…" Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Jesus, this is so hard. My hands are grabbing at my arms, my grip so tight I am sure I will have bruises. But it is the only thing holding me from flying apart, from shattering into pieces against these fucking rocks.

"He said that if we didn't, he would take great pleasure in making Jamie suffer as much as possible for as long as possible, right in front of us." The tears are streaming down my face now, and I cannot find it in me to care. I cannot find it in me to care about anything right now. "He said the choice was ours. And he gave us two minutes to decide, like something out of a bad fucking movie."

I stop talking then. This is it. If I tell the rest, if I say it out loud, we can never go back. But I have come this far, so I let myself get pulled into the memory again, and I keep going.

"I could not believe my ears. I was completely stunned and frozen with terror. Effy started talking to me then. She kept telling me that we could not let them take her. That we knew what they would do to her. That we could not let that happen to her. All I could think was goddamn it, Effy. You're not helping! I kept looking over the ridge at Jamie, trying to read her lips to figure out what she was saying, hoping she had an idea for what I could do. I was getting more frantic by the second."

"Effy kept talking at me. She said there was only one thing we could do. Not helping Effy. Still not fucking helping." I shake my head, just like I day that day all those months ago. I am right back there, trapped, reliving it all over again.

"My mind was going a thousand miles a minute trying to figure out what Jamie was saying, what she was trying to tell me. I knew she was trying to talk to me. I knew I would be the only one that mattered to her then, the only one she would be trying to reach, but I could not figure it out…. And then I did. I got it. I knew what she was saying. Over and over again, the same thing, the impossible, fucking thing. She was saying, 'Please kill me.'"

My sobs come then, ragged and harsh. I barely notice that Emily is crying, too, huge silent tears streaming down her face. She is holding herself hard to stop herself from reaching out to touch me. She knows I could not handle that.

When I can talk again, long minutes later, I continue, barely speaking above a whisper. "I threw myself off to the side and puked. I was gasping and coughing, and crying. I was terrified. But then I felt Effy leaning over me, holding me, whispering to me, 'We can give her a chance, Naomi, one very small shitty chance, but you have to get it together.'"

"I looked up at her, my eyes asking the question, and Effy explained. Her idea was that I could take out the leader and as many others as possible with the sniper rifle, and try to create enough of a diversion that Jamie could make a run for it, with the boys laying down some cover fire if they could get close enough without being seen. I looked at Effy, begging her with my eyes. She knew what I was asking but she just shook her head. 'I can't do it,' she said. I remember it exactly. She said, 'I'm not good enough to make that shot from here. He's standing too close. I'm sorry, Naomi, but none of us can do it. It has to be you.'"

A bark of a bitter laugh escapes me. "It had to be me. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to do that? How was I supposed to take a shot that would kill Jamie if I missed? I remember looking around at what was left of my team. Cook, Freddy, JJ - they all had fear in their eyes. Whether for her or for me, I don't know. It did not matter. Nothing much did, any more. My wife had been captured, and the only way I had any chance of saving her was to take an almost impossible shot that would kill her if I missed. How fucked is that?"

I lash out, slamming my fist again the rock face and then tearing my hands through my hair. I feel like I am going to explode. I still cannot look at Emily. I rock quickly, awkwardly, rubbing my hands back and forth across the rough stones with a tight, jerky motion until I manage to calm down a bit. I wipe my eyes and try to find the strength to finish what I have started, to tell the worst part of all. I take a breath and look down at the valley one more time. The air is still, almost no breeze to speak of, just the occasional swirl of dust on the path below to show the touch of any wind at all.

"I had no choice. There was nothing else we could do. So I picked up my L96 and started adjusting the scope. The guys started making their way back down the hill to provide cover fire. Our two minutes were almost up, so we had to hurry. Their signal would be the sound of my first shot. Effy started checking wind speed, direction, elevation, all the things I needed to know. I double-checked the sights and got into position, lying right about where you are now. I locked my elbow, tucked the stock in to my shoulder. Perfect form, perfect prep. Like I was on the goddamn firing range back at the base."

"Fucking hell, it was a difficult shot. The asshole was standing right behind her, so I had a really small target I could aim for without hitting her too. The elevation and wind made it even harder. But I had no choice. I tried to block everything out. I locked onto his head like it was a bull's eye and tried to ignore the part of Jamie I could see through the scope. I tried to forget she was there at all. Breathe in, breathe out, start the trigger pull. Slow and steady. Squeeze, don't pull. Focus. Just make the shot."

I have gone numb again. I think my mind has just decided that is the only way I will survive this. I feel detached, like I am in a daze.

"Even though I was trying not to, I could still see Jamie through the scope. She was scared, crying. But then she looked up to where we were hiding, staring right up at me as though she trusted me to take care of her one last time. So I did. I took the shot."

It is quiet on the ridge now. So very quiet. Just the sound of the small breeze ruffling gently in the nearby trees, and of Emily's softly falling tears.

"Do you know that it takes almost a full second for a bullet to cover that distance once you pull the trigger? That second was the longest of my life. I couldn't actually wait to see what I hit, _who_ I hit, you see. I needed to take out as many of them as I could before they heard the first shot and scattered. I fired again and again as fast as I could re-sight and pull the trigger. To this day I don't know how many I shot. I just kept firing. I was holding on with everything I had to not fall apart, to keep hitting targets. I remember hearing shots being fired from below me. JJ and Cook were doing what they could. But it was fucking chaos, absolute fucking pandemonium down there."

I can see it and hear it. I can even smell the dust and blood and gunpowder. It is all so real again. "I don't know how much time went by, but at some point I realized that Effy was pulling on my sleeve trying to get my attention. When I looked around, the boys were back. They were back, but they were alone. Jamie was not with them.

It took just one look at Cook's face for me to know. It hadn't worked. It hadn't been enough. My next thought almost destroyed me… I turned to Effy and begged her, 'I didn't… it wasn't me, please tell me it wasn't me…?' My heart just exploded. I don't ever remember feeling so much pain before. I could not believe that Jamie was gone, that I would never see her again, hold her again. I just… I mean, I know it's a war, and people die every day. Fuck, I had lost people before myself. But this… was different. This shattered everything. We had been fine, just fine, just driving along. And then not 20 minutes later, she was dead. I did everything I could, everything possible, we all did. We did everything right, and she was still dead. Because of a blown fucking tire. And absolutely nothing mattered anymore."

I lower my head, looking down at my hands, which keep fidgeting as though they have a mind of their own. I am covered in sweat, and shaking. My chest is so tight I can hardly breathe, my heart pounding harder than it ever has before. The memories are so strong they are almost killing me. It feels like it is happening all over again.

"I don't know what happened then. I broke, I guess. I don't remember much after the ridge, and I have never asked. We had taken out quite a few of the guerrillas and I guess they weren't in any shape to chase us. It was not until a few days later that I finally pulled out of it a bit. I remember waking up in my room. When I raised my head, Effy was there, right there at the foot of my bed, waiting. She must have been there the whole time to make sure I did not wake up alone. As soon as she saw me move, as soon as she saw my eyes flicker open, she said, 'You didn't kill her. It wasn't you.' So at least I knew that. I knew Effy would not lie to me about that. The strange thing is, though, knowing that did not really make a difference. Whether my bullet killed Jamie or not was pretty much beside the point. No matter who killed her, my wife, my best friend, was still dead. And she wasn't ever coming back."

I start to sob then, huge wracking sobs as I finally embrace the pain and loss and grief, all the things I have tried not to let myself feel for so long. And Emily, beautiful, kind, gentle Emily, finally moves close enough to hold me, telling me over and over, "It's okay, I've got you, it's okay." Just like she did before, just like last night. It amazes me that she would bother, knowing what she knows now. So, I take comfort in her arms while I can.

**X X X**

**The scene on the ridge has been haunting my thoughts for a very long time. It is the first sequence that popped into my head many months ago, and pretty much possessed me until I wrote down. I know it is dark, but there is a reason for that. Sometimes you have to come face to face with your demons before you can take hold and start to live again. **

**The idea behind the scene came from something I experienced personally last fall. I spent a week sitting by the bedside of someone I loved very much as he was dying, agreeing to desperate hail Mary treatments in the hope that something might work. He was an electronics engineer, and a conversation we had that week about a NASA solar flare warning was the inspiration for the Crash (exaggerated to science fiction land). But more than that, my experience that week and in the weeks and months that followed provided the emotional (not literal) basis for Naomi's journey in this story. I can very much relate to the hopelessness and helplessness of losing a loved one despite the fact that everyone has done everything right, and to how incredibly hard it is to have to decide whether to try every option despite the risks and the pain that it will cause. I know from experience that even when you do try it all, sometimes there really is nothing that will make any difference. That lack of control and power is an incredibly hard thing to deal with. At least it was for me. **

**I can also relate to Naomi's paralyzing fear of going through that type of helplessness and loss again. The insomnia, nightmares and panic attacks that I have given her in this story were a big part of my own response for a while. Insomnia still is, as the twitter folk know. But all in all, I have a much better grip on things these days and a much better perspective. Being lucky enough to have my very own Emily has helped most. But I think that exploring those feelings and experiences vicariously through Naomi in writing BP has also helped. Naomi's cannon fear of the pain of loss has always felt familiar to me - I think that is why I write her so much more easily than Emily - but it became even more familiar this past year. Anyway, this is where BP got its start almost 8 months ago now. I hope it was worth the wait.**


	11. Chapter 11

**I am blown away by the feedback for the last chapter. It means a lot to me that it, in particular, was so well received. Thanks to all who dropped me a message or a review or a tweet. You are the best. Cat, I could not reply to you by PM, so I will just say thank you here for the really lovely review.**

**I don't own Skins. Shocking, I know.**

**Chapter 11 – Echoes**

I am tired. So bloody tired I can hardly think, let alone move.

We are back at the base now, sitting in my room. I am leaning against my head board, struggling to stay awake despite the tension that I feel. Going back to the ridge, reliving what happened there has completely shattered me. My body aches, and my headache has come back with a vengeance. It hurts to open my eyes even though the room is almost dark, but I have to keep them open. I rub my hands along the scratchy wool blanket to keep myself from drifting off.

Emily is at the other end of the bed. She has made no move to turn on a light even though the sun has almost set. Her face is partly shadowed, so I cannot see it as well as I want. She is sitting cross-legged against the wall, close by but not touching me. She has not said much since the ridge. I was pretty out of it by the time that I was able to stop crying, so she took charge and got us home. It felt way too familiar, too close to when the team had to get me off that ridge six months ago, like an echo, or a bad dream that you cannot quite shake. We spoke and touched only as much as was needed to get us back here in one piece. But she has not left me, even for a moment. I am surprised by that. I thought that she would take the first chance to get away from me, to run as far and fast from me and my past as she could. But she did not. I have been trying to read her expression, but I cannot figure out what she is thinking. It bothers me that I cannot read her. She is usually such an open book.

"You should sleep." God I love her voice. I have never heard another like it. I am really going to miss hearing it when she leaves.

"Naomi, you need to try to sleep. You're exhausted," she says again.

"I can't. I can't close my eyes." My voice is small, spent. I can barely find the strength to answer at all. I feel her move in closer, angling herself against the headboard next to me. She gently wraps her arms around me after brushing my hair out of my eyes. I stiffen at her touch, but she does not let go.

"It's okay. I'll stay with you. I'll take care of you. Just sleep for a while." She lays a trail of tender kisses along my brow, and whispers gently in my ear, "Just sleep, Naoms. Just let go for a while. I'll be here."

I can feel her pull the blankets up to my shoulders before she starts running her fingers through my hair to soothe me, her lips dropping gentle kisses on my forehead. There is nothing sexual about her touch. It is more like she is trying to calm a fussing child. She is just trying to help me sleep. I know this is the beginning of her leaving, of her distancing herself from me, but I decide that I will take every ounce of comfort from her that I can, while I can. I try to memorize each sensation, each sound and touch, for when I am alone again. I know that it is just pity that is driving her now, but I do not care. I need it. I need her. And so I tuck my head into her neck and burrow deeper into her arms. I would have bet my life that I would not sleep, but am so tired, and she is so warm and comforting that I cannot seem to help it.

I slip into a fitful sleep, filled with confused and unsettling dreams, as the room slowly descends into full dark, enveloping us in the night. I am vaguely aware of Emily's voice, of her touch as she tries to quiet my restlessness. I think I hear her humming softly to me now and then, but that could be part of a dream.

I finally wake completely a little while later. Emily is no longer wrapped around me but I know that she is there. I can feel her watching me. I keep thinking that should make me anxious, but it doesn't. It feels good. I am glad she is here. Surprised, but glad.

"You stayed." My voice is still rough, but reasonably solid, as I look over to where she sits. She startles at the sound of my voice. I had not moved yet so she had no warning that I am awake.

"Yes." She had been looking into the darkness through my small, grimy window when I spoke, but now she stands and moves slowly back to sit at the foot of my bed, her hand coming to rest lightly on my shin.

"Why?" I am genuinely in curious. I really do not understand why Emily is still here. She could have left, asked Effy to take her place, and walked away. She has seen me broken, lost, over someone else. She knows what happened on the ridge, and what a disaster I am. She knows it all.

"Where else would I be?"

"Emily…" There is an edge to my voice now. I can hear it but I do not care. I do not want to play games with her. I feel like crap and my heart is in my throat and I really need to know what she is thinking, what she is feeling, so that I will know whether I can keep breathing or not.

"I'm serious, Naoms. There's nowhere else I would be." Her words are simple, but laden with meaning. She punctuates them with a soft squeeze of my calf as she tries to convince me of the truth of what she says.

"I've been sitting here thinking about everything you told me, about everything that I know about you. I've been thinking about how I feel about you, and about us. And what I realized is that nothing's changed. At least not for me. I know we can't ignore your past, Naomi, but it doesn't have to change anything between you and me."

I shake my head at that, dismissing her words. They are not true, they cannot be true. Emily reaches out. She slowly, haltingly takes my hand in hers, as if knowing that I will try to snatch it back from her. I do start to pull away but stop when she holds on a little bit tighter. It is déjà vu from this morning – God, was that just this morning? How is that possible? – and it is more effort than I can muster right now to break free. I see her visibly relax when I leave my hand in hers. She takes a deep breath and blows it out, rubbing her thumb against my palm as she does.

"Naomi, what I heard on that ridge was the story of someone who loved so hard that she almost destroyed herself trying to do the impossible. You wanted to save Jamie. I get that. You loved her so of course you wanted to save her. And you did everything you could. I know it broke you when you couldn't do it. I know you're still broken in a lot of ways. We all are, a bit, I think. But there's no shame in that, Naoms. None at all. It's not something that I would run from. And it's really, truly not something that I'm afraid of."

Emily shifts so that she is closer to me, and so that she can hold my hand in both of hers. "The fact that you were able to love her that much makes me love you more, not less."

I do not respond. I cannot. Her words are so far from what I expected to hear that I have no idea how to react. I can see her struggling to find the right way to continue, to explain how she feels. Eventually, she starts again, speaking so softly that I can barely make out what she says. "I don't want to replace her, Naoms. I don't want you to forget her. I would never want that."

She stops, taking a deep breath before carrying on. "But I do want to have a place in your life. I know you're hurting, and maybe this, you and me, maybe it's all too soon. But I think you could love me, some day. And I'd like to find out. Besides, I know that I love you already. I want you in my life anyway that I can have you. So, I'm not going anywhere. This is where I want to be. With you is where I want to be."

I am blown away by the words that I am hearing. I keep staring at Emily trying to read whether she is telling me the truth. I was so sure that she would run, like I would have done, that it is hard for me to take in what she is saying.

"I wish that I could take the bad memories away for you, Naoms, but I can't. The best that I can do is to maybe be around to help you carry them now and then, if you'll let me. And I really hope that you will." She lifts my chin to make eye contact again, gently stroking my face as she does.

"I know it won't be easy. But nothing really worth it ever is. You're worth it. So, I'll wait for you, Naomi, until you're ready. I promise you that I'll wait as long as it takes."

My mind is in hyper-drive. I do not know what to do with what Emily has just said. I do not know what to feel. I just nod, to let her know that I have heard her. We sit together without speaking, without moving, for a while. It is getting darker, and I can barely see her sitting next to me. I keep trying to think it all through, to understand, but it is all jumbled up inside me. My head is pounding and my mind just keeps spinning.

"I don't know if I can do this," I say eventually.

"Do what?" Emily asks.

"This, us," I say, looking up at her again, just a quick glance before I let my eyes fall back to the tattered blanket. "I don't know how to do this."

"Well, at least you think that there might be an "us". That's a start, Naoms." She smiles a small, shy smile at me, and I can tell that she is not sure that it is okay to tease me quite yet. But she is right. I do think that there might be an "us". I do not know how or when or what it will look like. But I need her. I need Emily and I want to have her near me.

I reach out for her then and pull her to me. I let myself fall into her eyes and wrap their warmth around me. I cannot seem to stop myself from grabbing on to the comfort she is offering. She moves willing, shifting around again until she can hold me close. I feel her put arms around me, and I tuck my face into her neck. I so want to believe that she still wants me. She is the safest place I know.

"You fix me, somehow," I say, quietly. "All I have to do is touch you and I feel better. I mean, I can actually feel my heart rate slowing, my blood pressure dropping when I do it, like right now. It is like fucking magic to me. No one else can do that."

We are quiet again. As my body relaxes, my mind races on. I want to try to explain what I am thinking, what I am feeling, all the conflicts and the fears. But for someone so clever with words, I cannot seem to find the ones I need. I try to focus instead on this moment. I take in the feel of Emily's arms around me, the soft brush of her breath against my forehead. I hear the footsteps going by in the hall, the tick of my alarm clock, even the tapping of a branch against the window. It all seems so vibrant, so immediate. My senses are on overload. I am mesmerized by the warmth of her body against mine. I have touched her before, it is true, but not like this, not for the simple comfort that she brings. I let my words come without censor now, my feelings streaming out unedited for once.

"When I am with you, I can almost start to believe again. I mean… I actually find myself feeling… happy… when you're around. And I start thinking… about tomorrow. Like there could be something to look forward to, something to maybe even dream about. And I love that. But then, you also scare the shit out of me. And you confuse me. I don't know what I should feel around you. But you definitely make me feel again, and it's just… I just… I… God, Ems, you could destroy me. You could ruin my life."

I can feel my tears begin to fall as I listen to the soft beating of her heart. "I am so scared of living through that pain. I swore I would never let myself get close to someone like that again. But then you came, and I couldn't help myself. I mean… Jesus… you are so special. I could not survive losing you, Ems."

And I know it is true. I still love my wife, deeply and truly. Part of me always will. But I have just been fooling myself to think that I do not feel something for Emily, too, something strong. It is different with Emily, yes. But I already know that I will love her completely if I let myself. I am half way in love with her already. There is something about her, something special between us. There has been from the first moment we touched in the briefing room. And it is killing me to think that I might lose her. I wipe my tears with my left hand as I gather my thoughts again.

"When I'm with you, I feel happier, less... alone. But it's not as simple as that is it?"

"Isn't it?" she says, whispering gently in my ear.

"No...I mean, I don't know...I mean, I don't think so." My mind is so jumbled, my emotions so overwhelming, that I don't know what I think other than this, right now, laying in Emily's arms, is the best feeling that I have known in a very long time.

All I know for sure is that I do not want to give her up. I do not want to push her away, not anymore. I cannot promise anything, obviously. I am a complete fucking mess and we are about to go out on a mission that could get us both killed. But, I cannot imagine not having this, not having Emily, in my life for as long as I am able. I have no idea how to make it happen or how to make it work. It is all too much for me to talk about right now. I am too tired and spent. So for once in my life, I just ask for what I need.

"Can we just stay like this, for a bit?"

"Yeah, we can", she tells me, pulling me just that little bit closer, "... for a bit."

I sigh into her neck and burrow in deeper, placing a small kiss just beneath her jaw. Then I close my eyes and let myself fall into sleep again, safe in her arms, at last.

**X X X **

As the sun rises the next morning, I sit on the edge of my bed watching the pinks and reds dance across my room. I feel better and more rested than I can remember feeling in months. I actually slept right through the night. No bad dreams and no waking up over and over again. And from my first moment of awareness, I knew that something important had changed. I realized that I was not dreading the day. I was not drowning in sadness. Instead, I woke up to sweet memories of my wife. It is amazing to me that this happened while I was wrapped up in the warmth of Emily Fitch. But this gift, this amazing, healing gift has come, I think, because of Emily.

The pain is still with me, no question. I will miss Jamie until the day I die. But the pain is tempered slightly, lessened by the light that Emily has brought into my life. And so, instead of waking surrounded by hurt and sorrow, which has been my lot for so many brutal days, instead of that, I awoke to flashes of our wedding day, of Jamie's beautiful, smiling face, and of countless quiet, loving moments shared between us. It was both a holding onto, and a letting go; a beginning and an end. And it is all because of the woman curled up next to me.

I lie back against the wall, tucking my legs in under the bottom of the blankets to stay warm, and I let the memories drift over me again. There is no rhyme or reason to the sequence, and I do not try to stop or direct them. Unlike so many times before, I want to embrace these thoughts. I want to immerse myself in what Jamie and I had. It seems now that I can do so without seeing only the overwhelming loss or feeling only the gut-wrenching grief. Now, somehow, some of the hurt is gone. Not all, but enough that I can start to remember the good times that Jamie and I had together, and the many ways she made both me, and my life, so much better, without being shattered by each thought.

I know that I probably would have found myself at this place eventually. But I also know that I am here today because of Emily. And because of that, I want to stay here, beside her. I have no urge to run this time. No desire to be anywhere other than by Emily's side. That amazes me, and although it also frightens me, I realize that I am smiling as I look down at her sleeping form. She is peaceful, at ease. She lies there, in my bed, curled up on her side, clutching my pillow to her chest. Her red hair is splayed wildly behind her and her clothes are wrinkled. But the morning light dances across her face, and she is breathtaking to me.

There are so many hurdles that we still need to cross to make this work. The biggest hurdle of all is me, my insecurities and my fears. I know that. I am struggling with how I can feel so much for Emily when I know that I still love Jamie, too. It is hard to accept that I can have these feelings for Emily without it being a betrayal of my wife. Jesus. Just the fact that cannot stop thinking of Jamie as my wife shows how far I have to go. There is so much that I have to work out to be ready for this.

But despite it all, the one thing that I am certain of at this moment is that I want to try. I have to try no matter how complicated this is, because the thought of living any more of my life without Emily near me is untenable. My mother was right. The thought of losing Emily by choosing to be without her is more terrifying, more appalling, than the thought of her being taken from me. I never thought that I would say that, but it is true. And that is something very, very new for me. A lot of what I feel with Emily is new. I cannot explain it, but I am different with her. I feel different with her. And I think I like that.

I watch her sleep for a while longer, just reveling in the fact that I can and that just doing that, just watching her sleep, makes me happy. I will have to wake her soon, though. We need to train today. But for now, all I want to do is steal a few more precious moments, and bask in the contentment, the peace, that having her near me brings. I cannot believe how much has changed in the space of one day. I am still exhausted. Everything that happened on the ridge has taken its toll. But I feel strangely energized, too. I realize that I am excited. I am excited to see what today will bring, what Emily will bring. I heard everything that Emily told me last night, and I think I am starting to believe, truly believe, that she meant it all.

I am scared, though, too. Emily and I definitely need to talk. A lot. Finding time to do that while we train for the rescue is going to be hard. Getting through the rescue knowing that she is at risk will be harder still. If I am honest, I am not sure I trust myself not to screw up. I have already decided that I will talk with Effy, and maybe Cook. I need to explain what is going on and ask for their help to make sure that I do not do anything stupid out of fear for Emily's safety. They will understand the risks. The parallels to Jamie are obvious.

I start to laugh, pulled out of my reflections as I see Emily scrunch up her face. She is starting to wake up and it is the cutest thing to watch. She jolts suddenly, her eyes popping open as she quickly scans the room until she finds me. I see her breathe a sigh of relief when she realizes that I am still here.

"Don't worry," I say quietly. "I am not going to run this time." I send her a soft smile, to try to reassure her. She smiles back and my heart melts all over again.

Emily rubs her tired eyes, and starts to stretch. I have to admit that my eye is drawn to the small strip of skin that is revealed between her pants and top when she does. I remember what that spot feels like under my hands and tongue, and my body reacts immediately to seeing it displayed again. But this is not the time for that, so I move over to the bed and sit beside her, pulling down her shirt as I do and giving her a soft pat once the skin is covered. Emily blushes lightly when she realizes what I am doing. She reaches out for my hand and says, "Are you okay?"

I fix my eyes on hers so that she will be able to see that I am telling her the truth. "Yes. I am. I am more than okay, I think."

"Did you sleep?"

I nod, smiling. "I slept better than I have in months. If I had known that all I needed was to have you as a security blanket then I would have hauled you in here a long time ago!" That gets me another smile in return.

I allow the mood to get a little more serious. "We have a lot to talk about, Ems." She nods, encouraging me to continue. Now that I have started being honest, I cannot seem to stop. I decide to start with my worst fear, because I know that I am going to freak out about it, probably all the time.

"I am scared that you will leave me."

Emily sighs at that, shaking her head in disagreement. She reaches out to cup my cheek and whispers, "I won't, Naomi, I promise. I'm not going anywhere."

"We don't always get to choose, Em. That is not something that you can promise." Emily knows that I am talking about Jamie now. Sweet Jamie, who never would have chosen to leave me either. Emily blushes when she realizes. Her answer is quick and sincere.

"You're right. I'm sorry. So let me promise you this. I will never willingly leave you. And if something happens and I have no choice, then you'll have Effy. And Cook and JJ and Kieran and Gina, and even Katie. They will be there for you every minute, just like always. But I'm not going to leave, Naoms. I'm just not."

"Okay." It is not, really, but I know that is the most assurance that she can give me, so I let it go for now. We can talk about it again later. I shift my gaze away from her. I am not sure how she is going to take this next part, and I do not think that I can say it out loud if I am looking at her.

"There is something else, Ems. I am going to be a basket case about this, I know. And I am going to need you to understand, okay? 'Cause I miss her, you know? So much. And I can't control it. And now there is you and I know I shouldn't, but a part of me feels as though I am cheating on Jamie because of how I feel about you. I know in my head that I am not. But it is still hard. I still love her. I always will in some way, I think." Out of the corner of my eye I can see Emily start to tense at my words, so I rush on to reassure her.

"But I do feel something for you Ems, something big. And, if you can deal with my craziness and all my confusion while I try to sort things out, then I would like to see what we can make of it. I think we could have something special together. I am sure I am going to drive you mental, but if you are still willing, I would like to try."

There are tears in Emily's eyes when she answers me. "I'd like that, too."

"It's not going to be easy, you know. You will need to be really patient with me."

Emily laughs then. God I love her laugh. "Yeah, 'cause it's been such an easy ride so far – no patience required at all!"

"Hey! No fair!" I slap her arm, playfully, and she grabs hold of me and drags me down on top of her, wrapping her strong arms around me so that I cannot hit her again. She is still laughing as her lips brush oh-so-briefly past my own, just a hint of the kisses that will come. It is her turn to be serious now, and she shifts me slightly to her side so that she can make better eye contact with me. Her eyes are a deep brown this morning, and she is speaking volumes with them.

"There's no rush, Naomi. We can take all the time you need. We can go as slow or fast as you want. But however we decide to do this, I meant it when I told you that I don't want to take Jamie's place. I'm sure I couldn't even if I did want to. She was a huge part of your life, and of who you are. I would never want to change that. I just want to see how I can fit into your world, too, if I can. If you'll let me. So, let's just take it a step at a time and see what happens. If you want to talk about her with me, that's okay. And if that feels too weird right now that's okay, too. There's no rule book for this, Naomi. There's just you and me trying to find our way through. Okay? Just one step at a time."

Sweet Jesus she really is perfect. I nod my head, too close to tears to speak, and duck my head towards her, capturing her lips in a gentle kiss filled with all the promise and love that I cannot yet say out loud. One step at a time it is. And this feels like a really good first step.

**X X X**

**Happier times at last. Okay. I know this has been almost exclusively Naomi and Emily for a few chapters now. But I will get back to the others, and the rescue mission, I promise. Buckle up. It is going to get a little bumpy. Review button is below if you want to let me know what you think.**


	12. Chapter 12

**This one was a bear to write for some reason. I had a hard time getting down on paper what I was going for, but I think I got there in the end. Time to get into Emily's head for a bit.**

**Thanks to everyone who is still reading, alerting, favourite-ing and reviewing. Absolutely makes my day. **

**I don't own Skins, but if I did I'd probably kiss it senseless.**

**Chapter 12**

**Emily**

Naomi's lips have me completely enthralled. Yes, she really knows how to use them to full advantage – she's an amazing kisser – but it's also that they're so incredibly soft. I've never felt anything quite so soft. I could just let her kiss me for days and I'd be perfectly content. We've been lying here tangled up in each other for the past 20 minutes, just kissing. Slowly. Gently. Leisurely exploring with our lips and tongues. We're learning each other touch by touch - how we taste and feel, the sounds we make, the things we like. It's incredibly sensual, unlike anything I've ever experienced. I think it's entirely possible that my heart might burst, it's so full. I feel like the Grinch on the mountaintop at the very end of the story.

We keep saying that we should get up. We have to head to Bath again this afternoon to start night training. I'm a bit worried about how well I'll be able to see my communications systems while wearing the night vision gear so I'm anxious to try it out. But despite that, I can't make myself stop kissing Naomi. The fact that she's here, kissing me back after all that we've been through, all that _she__'__s_ been through… I just can't make myself let her go, even for a moment. The quiet groans and sighs she's making as she nips and sucks at my lips aren't helping me want to stop either. Jesus, she's so good at this. I know we need to take things slowly - I only just moments ago promised that we would take this one step at a time - but I don't know how I'm going to manage that if she keeps this up. I pull back slightly, just enough to catch my breath, licking my lips and smiling at the incredible woman in front of me. She leans forward quickly, just barely grazing my chin with her lips before darting back, and it makes me laugh. Her eyes light up at the sound and a huge smile breaks across her face. She's radiant. I can't believe she could be mine. I'm so happy that I don't know what to do with myself.

"You're so beautiful." Naomi's smile turns shy when she hears me and her eyes drop. But when she looks back up at me I can see that she's happy.

"I'm glad you think so," she says before she starts to lean in to kiss me again. We both jump at a loud bang on the door, knocking our noses together slightly when we do. I feel Naomi pull back and go into defensive mode instantly, and then relax again when she recognizes Cook's bellowing voice.

"Blondie, if you're in there, you need to open the fucking door! No fucking around, yeah? I need to talk to you."

"Keep your shorts on, Cook, for fuck's sake!" Naomi looks back at me to make sure that I'm okay, running her hand softly across my nose where we connected. God I love her eyes. I've never seen anything so blue. When she sees that I'm alright she climbs off the bed and moves over to the door, smiling back at me shyly as she goes. Her absence hits me like a brick. I want her close to me, touching me, always. She looks back at me one more time to make sure that I'm ready and then lets Cook in when I nod.

"Hey Red. Looking good, mate. Ya might wanna tone down the sex hair before you see Katie, though, yeah?" He's grinning from ear to ear, about to launch into some other, likely inappropriate comment, when Naomi smacks him on the back of the head. Hard. He yelps and turns around towards Naomi while rubbing the newly sore spot. I immediately start running my fingers through my hair to try to tame it, realizing quickly that my best option is going to be a ponytail. I grab the elastic that I keep on my wrist for that purpose and start pulling my hair back into a messy bun.

"Leave her alone, Cook. What is so important that you had to practically knock my door off its hinges, eh?"

At that, Cook's face suddenly gets really serious. "We just got word. Decryption picked up some transmissions. There's another group going for the hostage we have to go tonight or we'll be too late. Kieran's called a briefing in 10 minutes. You need to get your shit together, and fast, and get over there."

Oh my fuck. My heart rate has just doubled and every muscle in my body has tensed. We aren't ready. We aren't nearly ready, not yet.

Naomi has gone still, completely, utterly still. I can see her mind racing as she tries to process what Cook has said. Her eyes flick to mine, and there's so much fear in them that it takes my breath away. She's not ready to do this, not with me there, too. That's obvious. It's too soon. The ridge is still to close. Seeing her reaction snaps me out of mine. No matter how scared that I might be, I need to talk her through this. I need to convince her that we'll be okay, that I'll be okay.

"Naomi, I'll be fine. We'll all be fine." I'm using the most calming voice I can, but the rasp is worse than usual because of my nerves. I just hope that Naomi doesn't realize that's the reason. "Cook'll watch my back, just like we planned, just like we trained for. I'll be as safe as can be. I promise you, Naoms. I'll be alright. You need to believe that."

Naomi's standing still in the middle of the room, her eyes locked on mine, blazing across the distance between us. She's struggling so hard to keep it together. Cook's looking back and forth between us and I see the penny drop as he figures out what's going on. He can tell we've been making out, and I assume that he knows by now that she took me to the ridge yesterday. It doesn't take him long to make the connection and realize that Naomi's freaking about me being part of this mission. He steps in front of her, forcing her to look at him instead of me, blocking her view of me altogether. He puts his hands on her cheeks oh-so-gently, as though she might shatter with a stronger touch.

"Listen to me Blondie. I got Red. I won't let her out of my sight. And I'll bring her back in one piece, I promise. Come on, breathe Naomikins. I need you to breathe now, okay? Look at me, yeah? Look at me and breathe."

I can't see her face because Cook's between us, but his words seem to be working. Fuck, I want to go to her. But I can't. I'm the problem now, and I'm terrified that if I get any closer to her I'll set her off completely. I have to trust Cook to talk her down.

"You will stay with her?" The tremor in her voice cuts right through me.

"I will."

"You won't let her out of your sight?"

"Not even for a second, I promise."

The next seconds tick by so slowly. And then I hear Cook again. "It's okay. You can do this. We'll do it together. You need to pull it together, Naomi, yeah? We need you."

I think that's the first time that I've heard Cook call her by her real name. It seems to work, as Naomi visibly pulls herself together, shaking it off and using Cook to ground herself. Finally, she looks up at him again, and says, "Okay. Good. We should go."

She steps around Cook and over to where I'm still sitting on the small bed. She reaches out for my hand and of course I give it to her. She tugs me to my feet, and steps in close, almost touching me but not quite.

"You need to stay safe, Ems," she whispers. "You cannot take any chances at all. I need you to promise me."

I make the promise, looking right into her eyes as I do it. I know I mean it, but I also know that I would promise her anything at all to help her get through this, to help her be strong enough to do what she needs to do.

At my words she turns and heads to the door, never letting go of my hand. Cook nods at me as I pass, and I touch my free hand to his chest in thanks for what he's done. We walk in silence through the hallways, each lost in our own thoughts about what the change in plans will mean. My mind is churning through a to-do list, eliminating everything that is not absolutely essential. I'm sure Naomi's is, too. Her grip on my hand is so strong that it's almost painful, and I can barely keep up with her because she's walking so fast.

When we arrive at the briefing room we're met by Effy and JJ, as well as Katie, Thomas and Kieran. As soon as she lays eyes on me Katie storms over to my side and hauls off and smacks me across the arm. I move fast to step between her and Naomi, knowing that in Naomi's current state her response to me getting hit could be just about anything. I throw a look to Cook and he understands and pulls Naomi off to the side towards Effy before she can react. When I know that she's safe, I turn back to Katie.

"For fuck's sake! What's your problem?"

"What do you think, stupid? You disappeared for a whole day! I was well worried, you cow. What the fuck were you thinking?"

Shit. I knew I should have sent her a message when Naomi and I got back to the base last night, but I was a little busy and then I completely forgot. Even so, this isn't a conversation for right now.

"Look, Katie, I'm sorry if you were worried, but I'm fine, I promise. I'll tell you all about it when I can, but this isn't the time or the place."

My point is made, to Katie's frustration, when Kieran calls us to order. He barks at us to take our seats, which we do right away, Katie grumbling away beside me. Effy moves over to where Naomi and Cook are sitting, and Thomas leans on a chair next to JJ. Kieran looks worried and incredibly stressed. His face is red and he's sweating hard. Of course, he's about to ask the woman who is his daughter in all but name to take on a hugely dangerous mission while inadequately prepared. Add to that the fact that this will be the team's first serious mission since the one at the ridge and no wonder he's freaking out.

"We don't have time to fuck around, so I'm just going to have Thomas tell you what we know. Thomas." Thomas moves to the front of the room. There are no pleasantries today. He just dives right in.

"We have intercepted messages that make clear that at least one other rebel unit is planning to extract the hostage for their own purposes. They are from Europe and they are most definitely not on our side. They have already arrived on this island. They have gone to almost complete radio silence so we cannot be certain where they are, although we assume they are on their way to the Weymouth site."

"We will need to continue to try to monitor both the hostage takers and the new enemy unit, and to provide real-time decryption to you and to the extraction team. That means that I will be travelling with you." Jesus. First we're leaving days early, without night training, and now we're adding a new person to the team with no training at all. Fucking hell. I can see Cook starting to scribble notes and diagrams as he tries to re-work the packing logistics he'd so carefully planned over the last few days to make room for Thomas and his gear in the trucks.

"Our best intelligence suggests that the enemy unit intends to strike tomorrow night. As a result, we have no alternative but to go in tonight. Zero hour will be 3:10 am. As planned, after the extraction we will meet a commando team at the Alpha site on the coast and we will be removed to safety by landing craft from there. However, the change in timing for the mission means that we cannot take the landing craft to the Alpha site on our way to the rescue position. The tides will not allow us to access the coastline safely when we would have to be there. We are going to have to make our way to the rescue site by land instead. There is a group working on how best to get us from here to there without us being seen by the wrong eyes. JJ, you will get the new data as soon as we have it so that you can make the necessary navigational calculations."

Oh my God. We're going to have to go overland for well over 100 km through areas that aren't even remotely under militia control, with all the risk of detection that entails, instead of being dropped off by landing craft a mere 10 km away from our destination. I look around the room. The whole team looks shell-shocked. I see Naomi close her eyes tightly and take 2-3 deep, shuddering breaths. Fucking hell. Every change in plan just ups the stakes and it makes everything so much harder for her. She's so close to the edge, to falling apart, that it's scaring me. My heart is just breaking for her. Cook must notice her reaction because he puts his arm around her shoulders and pulls her in close. Effy leans in and starts whispering in Naomi's ear, trying to reassure her I assume. I see Naomi mutter, "I'm alright," and then Keiran takes over the briefing again.

"I know that this is a shock to you all. It was a shock to me as well. But this is what we have to deal with. I know you'll make the adjustments you need to make. You have 3 hours to make plans, do test runs, gear up and do whatever else you need to do before you embark. You're going to have to adjust on the fly, people. But I have confidence in you. You are the best we have, and I know that you'll get this done. Good luck. God's speed."

As soon as he stops speaking, Naomi stands up. She's white as a ghost, but there's a determination in her face and a strength in her posture that belie whatever fear and doubts she may be feeling.

"First of all, I owe each of you an apology for scaring you over the past couple of days. We can talk about the whys and wherefores another time. But for now, just know that I am sorry for that. Second, we have been thrown a curve today, more than one. I know that. So take a minute. Figure out what you need to do and how you need to fine-tune things to get ready. Think it through carefully, and then go do it. I need each of you at your very best. So get focused and get your shit together. We have work to do. Let's get to it."

That's our signal to start moving, and we each start standing up to get on our way. Kieran moves over to where Naomi's talking to Effy. "Make sure you come back in one piece, lass, or your mother'll never forgive me."

Naomi takes a step towards him and wraps him in a bear hug with her arms tight around his neck. "I love you, too, you old fart." Then she turns and walks out of the room to start over-seeing all the details she needs to take care of before we go. I'm both glad and indescribably distressed that she doesn't look back at me when she leaves. So that's how she's going to handle this. I understand why she needs that distance, but fuck me it feels like a punch in the gut to watch her walk away like that, without even a backward glance. Everything between us is so new, so fragile, that I can't help wondering if this is going to blow it all sky high.

As I am trying to pull myself together, Katie walks back to where I am standing and pulls me into a Fitch hug. I can't imagine how difficult it is for her to have to stay behind and watch all of us go. She battles to retain her composure as she looks over to Cook. "Take care of Emily for me, will you?"

Cook smiles and nods, telling her, "I already promised Naomi that I would, didn't I?"

She turns to Effy, then. "You too, yeah? She can get well focused on her little radios and gadgets and thingies and she loses sight of everything else. And she doesn't think about her own safety, you know? You need to do that for her, okay? Both of you."

She looks so upset that I can't bring myself to object or to point out that I'm perfectly capable of looking out for myself. I just hug her again, kiss her cheek, and say, "I'll see you soon, Kay. I love you."

As I am leaving, I hear Katie call out to Cook, telling him to take care of himself, too. He turns back to her, and kisses her deeply, before saying, "Always, Katiekins. Always!"

I see Effy look down and take a deep breath before following me out of the room. I wonder what that's all about. Could she actually be nervous? Maybe she isn't quite the ice queen I thought she was. Whatever it is, I can't stop to figure it out right now. I look back one more time to Katie, who's still standing in the doorway, waving at us. I can tell that she's trying hard to hold back her tears. I wish that I could comfort her in some way, but the reality is that she's watching her whole world walk away from her for this mission. We are all that she has. And there's no guarantee that any of us will come back. There's no way that I can make that better for her, so I simply blow her a kiss and then start heading to the communications building at a jog.

Cook comes with me to pick up the gear that we stripped out of the trucks the other day. The machine guns are already reinstalled, but the alterations that the techs had to make to the comms systems took a little longer and they weren't ready until today. We need to collect all the gear, test it, mount the pieces that go directly on the trucks, and hand out the individual systems to each team member. And now we need to put together an extra unit for Thomas, too. We plow through it all as fast as we can, ending up at the trucks about an hour after we left the briefing room.

A little while after we start installing the radio transmitters and antennae on the trucks, Cook starts talking. He's lying under the dash with his feet hanging out the door, finishing the tie-in of the final pieces of wiring on Rover 1. "Naomi and me go way back, Red." His face is calm, but he's as serious as I've ever seen him. He doesn't look at me as he speaks. He just keeps taping the wires that he's been splicing, struggling a bit to make progress in the constrained space.

"She took care of me when no one else cared. She believed in me when even I didn't, yeah. Kept digging and digging at me until bit by bit I started believing in myself. You don't forget someone who does that for you, Emilio. You don't forget and you don't ever let go. So, you can chase her. You may even catch her - if anyone can it's gonna be you."

He turns his head to look at me now, making sure that I am paying full attention. "But if you hurt her, Red… if you let her down in anyway, I'm gonna crush you. You got that?"

It's almost funny – the guy whose job it is to keep me safe and in one piece during this mission is threatening me before it even starts. But it's not funny at all. I know Cook loves Naomi. And I know he just wants to be sure that I won't hurt her. So I do the only thing that I can do in the time that we have. I tell him the truth.

"Me hurting Naomi isn't something that you need to worry about, Cook. It's not going to happen. I can't guarantee the reverse is true, but Naomi's safe with me."

He gauges my words, testing my sincerity, and then he nods. "Okay then. Good."

He's said what he wanted to say, and he's heard what he wanted to hear. I think the conversation is over until he adds, "I think you'll be good together, Emilio. She'll try to fuck it up a hundred ways from Sunday, yeah. But once she gets the stick out, you'll be good together."

The smile he throws me is almost blinding and I can't help but grin back at him despite the seriousness of our situation.

"You're a nice guy, aren't you, Cook?"

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you right back."

And with that, we both get back to the business at hand. The clock's ticking and I still need to do a test run with the night goggles. I want to test the exact pair that I'll be wearing so if I need any adjustments to the fit we can make them before we leave. Then I need to gear up and get back to the trucks. It's going to be tight, but it's do-able.

**X X X**

**Naomi**

Focus. I just need to focus. To not think about anything other than what I have to do next to get ready. First thing is to check the mount of the night scope on my rifle and take a few practice shots. The balance seems alright, but you never know for sure until you actually fire. I am just about to take position when I hear Effy arrive on the range.

"Naomi. Wait."

I turn towards her, cradling my weapon across my left elbow, making sure that the safety is securely engaged. All we need now is for me to accidentally shoot my spotter. Jesus.

"Are you alright?"

I am about to blow her off with a "fine" when she adds, "I'm serious. Don't bullshit me."

Fuck.

"Not really, no. But I am as good as I am going to get, so it will have to do, won't it."

"I know you went to the ridge, Nai. And I'm so proud of you for that. But I need to know what happened after. I need to know where your head is now about Emily or I can't help you."

"Honestly? I'm falling in love with her, Eff. I never thought that I could feel that again, but I do, I am. I just… Jesus… I can't even… She's Emily, Eff. And I just… I really need her. I need her to be safe."

"And…?"

There is no point in lying. Effy can read me like a book. Plus I know that I am going to need her help with this.

"And I'm fucking terrified that something bad will happen to her. I made Cook promise to protect her. I made her promise to be careful. But neither promise makes me feel a fucking bit better. I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth, Eff. But so far at least, I can honestly say that I _am_ hanging on."

She considers that for a moment as she assesses me. "Okay. That will do for now."

"I think I need you to keep an eye on me, Eff. In case I start to lose it or try to do something stupid. You need to make sure that I make that shot no matter what else happens."

"I can do that."

"I'm serious, Effy. If something happens to her I'm not sure that I'd be able to make myself finish the mission."

"Nothings going to happen to her, Nai. But if it does, I will make sure you make the shot. I promise you on Pato's head."

"Oh my God! I forgot to give him back! I'm so sorry, Effy."

"Nothing to be sorry about. I grabbed him from your room when I needed him."

Oh hell. That means she wasn't doing well. "Are you okay, Eff?"

"Later. We don't have time for that now. Kill the lights!"

At Effy's yell the range goes dark. I look to where I know that she is standing and say, "I am going to ask you again when we get back."

"Fine. Now get your ass on the ground and take some test shots so we can get out of here."

I know that Effy is not dismissing what is going on. Ever practical, she is pushing me back to the task at hand. I think she needs to ignore what she is feeling now as much as I do. But once again, she is putting me first. God, I have no idea what I would do without her.

**X X X**

**Emily**

We get to the trucks on time, although just. I'm vibrating with nerves and adrenaline. I've checked and re-checked every piece of my gear at least a dozen times, just for something to do. I think Cook's about to sit on me to stop me from fidgeting so much.

I'm watching Naomi. She's in the middle of a fine-toothed-comb inspection of the Rovers. I get it now, of course. I understand why she's so careful about them. She's not going to have another blown tire fuck everything up, not if she can help it. I can't imagine what's going through her mind right now. The timing for us getting together really couldn't have been worse. I almost wish we hadn't got together until later so she wouldn't have to deal with the added strain of worrying about me tonight. It's hard enough for me and I haven't gone through what she has. I've had no time to digest what's happened between us. I mean, Jesus, Naomi Campbell wants to be with me. The whole thing is complicated as hell, but still, Naomi Campbell wants to be with me and there's nothing on earth I want more than that. But I can't think about that now. If I do, I won't be able to let her out of my sight. I can't think of her as anything more than the leader of this team and the sniper we're along to support. I need to let her do her job and I need to make sure that I do mine. Everything else has to wait. As hard as that is, it all has to wait.

While Naomi's finishing the vehicle checks, Effy walks the rest of us through the pre-departure check list. She, Naomi, and Thomas will be in Rover 1, with Naomi driving. Cook, JJ and I will be in Rover 2, with Cook driving. JJ's in charge of navigation, and our truck will take the lead as a result. Effy and I will handle the machine guns and look out. Thomas will keep trying to track the enemy transmissions whenever he can catch their signals.

Everyone's had a least some time to work with the night vision gear and adjust it to fit. We've all used some version of it before so it's really a matter of getting familiar with the particular units we'll each be using. We're going to have to run without lights when the sun goes down, so we're all going to get a little more practice with the goggles en route whether we like it or not. The weapons and equipment have been checked and double-checked and JJ's been given the new route that we'll be traveling. We're as ready as we're going to get.

I wish I could travel with Naomi, but I realize that neither one of us would likely handle that well. Keeping some distance from each other is our first line of defence right now, the best chance that we have of staying objective and staying focused on our jobs. But it isn't easy. Actually, it flat out sucks rocks.

I don't even get a chance to wish her luck before Naomi signals us to load up. Once we're all settled in we head off the base. It's weird to be going off on this mission like this. No one else knows we're even doing this because the whole thing is top secret. So there's no fanfare, no good-byes. We just leave the base like it's any other day, and other than the guard on duty who waves us through the gate, no one takes any notice at all.

As we drive, the only sounds we hear other than the trucks making their way over the battered roads are the occasional comments from JJ directing Cook where to turn. I can see the sweat pouring off JJ. The route changes mean that he's having do almost all the calculations as we go. He knows full well that if he makes a mistake that delays us it could be disastrous. There are a lot of off-road segments to our route, to try to keep our presence hidden, so the navigation is really tricky. The tension is getting to him, but so far he's holding his own. Even Cook isn't immune from the pressure if his white knuckles on the steering wheel are anything to go by. The terrain we are crossing is rough, for sure, but it's not bad enough to explain the death grip he is using.

As my eyes continuously scan the surrounding area for movement, I keep running through my part of the plan over and over - everything from getting my gear out of the truck, to moving it into position, to what frequencies I'll need to monitor and the exact timeline for the rescue. I'll be monitoring our extraction team's transmissions so that we can provide cover fire for their escape route if needed, and to help direct them away from any pursuit. Thomas will be with me to monitor the enemy units. It's a good thing that it's Cook's job to watch my back because there's no way that I'll be able to look at anything other than my equipment once the rescue is underway. I just hope I don't fuck this up. As we make our way further South, with hours yet to travel across the desolate, pock-marked landscape, that becomes my mantra: Over and over again I keep telling meself, "Don't fuck this up. Don't fuck this up. Don't fuck this up."

I have never been so afraid in my life.


	13. Chapter 13

**Sorry for the longer than usual delay. Had an unexpected trip home and its fallout to contend with, and I just couldn't find any time to write.**

**Thanks to all those still reading and alerting and favourite-ing and reviewing. I know this has not exactly been a light, smuffy walk in the Naomily park (although some of that will come eventually), so thanks for sticking with me. **

**Chapter 13**

**Emily**

The darkness is oppressive. Even with the night vision gear and the moonlight, it feels as though it is pressing down on me, making it hard to breathe. We're in the middle of a stretch of rolling farmland near Tatton, about 5 km from the rescue site in Weymouth. This is where we're leaving the Rovers so that we can move close to the site without being heard. We'll make our way back here after the rescue and then haul ass to meet the withdrawal team at the Alpha site, which is on the coast due West of here. They'll pick us up on a landing craft and the rest of our escape route will be by sea.

We arrived about 10 minutes ago after the most stressful drive of my life. I'm already worn out from having to stay on high alert for so long and my eyes are sore from keeping watch as we drove. We were incredibly lucky not to run into anyone along the way, probably because we covered so much of the distance off-road. I know that HQ was going to send out some really visible decoy convoys to try to occupy any guerrillas operating in the sector, so that may have helped, too. JJ was brilliant with the navigation, and we landed here exactly on target and almost right on time. It was amazing to see the relief on his face when he realized that he had got us here despite all the obstacles he was thrown. We're running about half an hour behind schedule, which isn't good, but I think we can make up some of that time on the hike to our setup positions.

Everyone is gearing up. The only sounds in the night are the quiet rustling of our packs, the soft tread of our boots, and the occasional hum of crickets or hoot of an owl. It's eerie. If I didn't know better I could easily believe that we are the last people left on earth.

Naomi's directing us with hand signals, but we each know what we need to do and are quietly going about doing it. Thomas has taken a moment to try to catch a transmission from the European unit we know is on its way – code-named "Hornets" for this mission – hoping to get some idea of where they are. He shakes his head in frustration. They're still keeping radio silence so he can't track them. They could be anywhere between their landing site and here and we won't know it unless we trip over them.

I see Naomi do a visual check of us all, making sure that we're ready to move out. She's keeping a distance from me as she does it. She hasn't spoken to me or made eye contact with me since we arrived. It's fucking killing me. I know that I have to find a way to shake it off and concentrate, but I can't help it, I want her to acknowledge me. I need her to. The fact that she's ignoring me is driving me crazy and blowing my focus to bits. I feel like my chest is in a vice. I don't need much from her, just something that tells me that I'm not in this alone.

Just as I'm about to lose it and force the issue she steps in front of me, just out of arm's reach but right in my line of sight. She's so close that I can smell the gentle scent of her soap mixed with the faint musk from her exertions. She looks right at me and I can't take my eyes off her.

"You have to keep your promise, Ems. You have to stay safe, okay? No taking chances."

Her voice is soft. I can barely hear her, and there is a slight quiver as she speaks.

"Emily…" I realize that I haven't answered her, and take a half step towards her, reaching out my right hand to just barely touch her sleeve. I look up into her eyes and just nod. "I will. I promise. You too, right?"

The smallest hint of tenderness crosses Naomi's face when she hears my words. She holds my eyes for just a moment longer and then nods slightly in return. Then her mask comes down again as she steels herself and turns away to start the trek to Weymouth. It is so little, but for now, it is enough.

The terrain is fairly easy to traverse. We're moving through overgrown fields and have to look out for stray rocks and debris to avoid tripping over them, and climb over the occasional fence and boundary hedge, but all in all, the route is pretty clear. You can tell that this was once good farmland, but it has been left fallow for years since this part of the coast was evacuated. I keep straining my ears to hear any sound that isn't coming from us, anything that could indicate that the bad guys are out here with us, but so far there's nothing unexpected.

Naomi has taken the point position, as usual, with Effy right behind her. JJ, Thomas and I are arrayed in a loose horizontal line behind them, carrying most of the gear. Cook is bringing up the rear, covering our six. We look kind of spooky in the moonlight with our goggles and packs and rifles, treading steadily across the land with our heads swivelling from side to side looking for trouble. We are misfits in many ways. But we are a team, a good one, and it shows as we move almost soundlessly through the night. I find myself a little in awe of the others, of their poise and confidence. I just hope that I don't let them down.

We reach a small hill about a kilometre from the target compound. This is where we split up. Naomi, Effy and JJ will head to the sniper position. Naomi, of course, needs to have a direct line of sight to her target. But Cook, Thomas and I are heading to a small knoll about a ¼ kilometre away from them. We need the highest ground around to have the best chance of intercepting radio signals from the Hornet crew and the hostage-takers. Being separated isn't ideal, for sure. There's strength in numbers and by splitting up we lose some of that strength. But it can't be helped.

I watch Naomi start the slow, careful hike to her position. The closer we get to the target compound, the more stealth is required to avoid detection, and she is in full stealth mode now. She really is like a panther, all smooth, flowing muscles and deliberate, efficient moves. I'm very glad that she's on my side. I'm pulled out of my reverie by Cook, who hip checks me and whispers, "Come on, Little Red. Stop drooling. We got shit to take care of."

I know he's just joking to help break the tension, but I wasn't watching her to "drool over" her. I was watching her because this could be the last time I see her. I was trying to brand her image into my memory. Oh god, I just hope she'll be alright.

I take one last look back at Naomi and then pull myself together and start the careful trek to our comms position. Thomas follows me and Cook again takes the rear. We stop frequently to listen, and we each keep surveying all around us looking for anything that is out of place, any movement or sound that we can't explain. So far all that I can hear is the sound of our laboured breaths and the brush of our footsteps as we make our way up the hillside. We make decent progress and hit our position, nestled in a small copse of trees at the top of the hill, about a half hour after we split off.

Thomas and I immediately start setting up our gear, so that we can start the search up and down the frequencies to try to catch any transmissions from our targets. This part of my job is easier, thanks to Katie. She identified four frequencies that the hostage-takers consistently use, so I just have to monitor those four and decode any transmissions that I pick up. But that isn't all that I have to do. I'll also be monitoring our extraction team, Charlie squad. At the moment they're maintaining radio silence, but that will change once the rescue starts. "Charlie 1" is a team of 6 who will move in on foot and will actually be going into the compound to get the hostage out. "Charlie 2" will stay with the trucks about 2 km away, and then speed in to pick up Charlie 1 when they exit the compound. It's my job to make sure that they get the intel they need to get in and out, and then avoid any pursuit so they can make it safely to where their escort team is waiting. I'm all too aware that if I screw up they could be killed. And if I'm honest, that's freaking the hell out of me. I've done a lot of stuff over the past years, but I don't think I've ever had quite so much riding on me getting it right. A shiver rolls over me as I think about that, and my heart rate picks up even more.

Once Charlie 1 and 2 have the hostage and have made it to their escort team, my next job is to contact our withdrawal team, who are waiting for us on a landing craft at the Alpha site, to coordinate our escape. We'll be taking a different route from Charlie 1 and 2 to maximize our chances of making it undetected.

Thomas, though, his first task is to try to find the Hornets' frequency. He can't do anything to help unless he can track them down. Even before they went silent they were hopping all over the dial, making it hard to pick them out from the rest of the chatter. At least he knows that the source of their signal should be nearby, so that's something. But it's a crap shoot whether he'll be able to find them. I don't envy him that job at all.

Once we're set up, Thomas and I settle in with our headsets on and start monitoring. Now it's a waiting game. Charlie squad should be in position, but because of the radio silence we can't be sure of that. Zero hour is still about 2 hours away to be certain that everyone makes it into place before the rescue starts. I'm the only one who can talk to everyone on our side, and I'm very much aware of the responsibility of that. I'm vaguely aware as I focus on my equipment that Cook is behind me, scanning the area around us with deliberate, all-encompassing visual sweeps as he covers our backs. Naomi told me once that he has eyes like a hawk. I hope that's true, just in case. I have to admit that I'm very glad that he's got my back.

I set my systems to cover the 4 hostage-taker frequencies and the Charlie squad frequency, and I start to listen. I catch the hostage-takers transmitting on the first try, which surprises me. It looks as though they aren't expecting company, which would certainly be good for us. I apply Katie's decryption algorithm and quickly determine that it's just normal chatter. There's no indication that they suspect anything or that they have any idea that we're listening and nearby. By my count there are six guards checking in from around the edges of the compound. Our intel suggests there should be at least 12 more inside.

I try to ignore how fast my heart is beating as I listen to the disembodied voices, and how the sweat is now pouring off my brow. "Don't fuck this up. Don't fuck this up. Don't fuck this up." I don't even realize that I'm muttering it out loud until Thomas gently touches my hand, and then touches a finger to his lips to quiet me. I swallow hard and pass on the intel to the team. This is going to be a really tough couple of hours.

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**X X X**

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**Naomi**

I look down towards the hostage-takers' compound where it sits along-side the marina. It is bigger than I expected, covering most of a square city block. It looks surreal through my scope; it is massive, with high fences encircling it; the occasional dots of light moving around in the middle of the vast darkness identifying the sentries as they do their rounds. We know from our recon team's reports that the fence has been electrified. On top of that, the compound itself is protected by a computerized locking system. The hostage-takers have rigged a generator to the building's breaker box to provide the power to run them both. There is no question that these guys are well prepared and well protected. This is not a fly-by-night operation. They know what they are doing and they are fully prepared to defend themselves. It looks like they know as well as we do just how important the hostage is. Kieran told me that Charlie squad is good. They better be, because the way the compound is set up this is not going to be easy.

In order for Charlie 1 to get past the fence and through the locked doors as silently as possible we need to take the power out. They cannot get to the breaker or the generator on foot because of the fences. They cannot use explosives on them either because of the noise. Charlie 1 is going to be outgunned for sure, so we don't want the guards to know that they are coming until they are already in their faces. Surprise is the only advantage that we have, and we need to keep that advantage for as long as possible to give Charlie 1 even a fighting chance.

That is where I come in. My job is to hit the breaker box with a silenced rifle shot so that there is no noise that could warn the bad guys about what is about to happen. Once the power is down, Charlie 1 will cut through the fences, hit the building and guards with stun grenades and whatever live-fire they need, and extract the hostage. Charlie 2 will take out the outer guards and head off any unexpected resistance. That part sounds easy, but it's not, especially now that the Hornets could be nearby, too. That complicates the hell out of everything and amps the risk more than I want to think about.

Once the hostage is secure on board the trucks they will get the hell out of there as fast as they can, with Emily and Thomas feeding them as much info as they can about any chase that may take place. That is it. That is the plan. It is a simple one really, straight-forward and uncomplicated. The only problem is that the breaker box is less than one square foot in size. And it is a half a mile away.

I know that I am capable of making this shot. I have made ones like it before a number of times, both in the field and on the practice range at Bath. But this is different. This is real. And knowing that Emily is just a short distance away and is not safe is distracting the hell out of me. I have to find a way to stop thinking about her, to block her out. I drop my head to my chest and try to take a few deep breaths. Before I can raise my head again, Effy is there, right in front of me.

"Stop it." She has her hands on my shoulders, and she is squeezing hard enough to leave bruises.

"Seriously, Nai, you have to stop this shit. Check your rifle and get into position. And stop worrying about Emily fucking Fitch. You have bigger concerns right now."

"I know, but…"

"No fucking buts, Nai. We don't have the time or space for buts. You need to focus on that breaker box and nothing else. Nothing else matters right now except that. You know this. If we don't get that hostage back, no one will be safe, including her."

I take another long, shuddering breath, and nod. I start checking the rifle one last time, before I start to settle in to my shooting position.

Just as I am starting to kneel, I hear it. It's Emily, her voice coming over the comms system.

"Be advised, Thomas has identified a Hornet transmission. They're here. He can't tell exactly where, but they're within a few kilometres of the compound and preparing to attack. It's going to be a race to get there first."

Oh fucking hell. No, no, no, no, no! Do _not_ throw another problem at us. I hear Emily again. "Confirming, Charlie Co. has acknowledged the change. They are awaiting your "go"."

I look to Effy who just nods and says, "Okay, here we go. A little sooner than we thought, but that's okay. Let's get it done, Nai. You need to get this done, okay?"

I start to turn to take up my position, nodding once to let Effy I know I have heard. As I do, my headset explodes with the sound of Cook's hushed voice and my blood turns to ice.

"We've got in-coming, people. Think it's the Hornets, but it could be a recon team from the compound. Can't tell. They haven't seen us yet, but they will. They're moving in bloody fast… at least three, maybe more. I can hold them off, but not for long. The mission needs to be "go" right now. Right fucking now!"

The next voice I hear is Emily's. I turn back towards the knoll at the sound of her voice as if there is some way that I could see her. It is useless, of course. She is too far away, impossibly far away. I hear her pass on Cook's warning to Charlie squad. She then relays to me that Charlie 1 is beginning rapid prep for extraction and will go on my mark as soon as I confirm that the electricity is down.

The sound of her voice, especially saying my name, is more than I can stand. There is a hitch of fear in it, but she is speaking calmly, clearly, conveying the information that needs to be conveyed, getting her job done. My heart clenches so tightly that I cannot breathe. I cannot get my brain to work. Everything just stops. I freeze as the gravity of the situation sinks in. And then I start to run.

I only get a few feet before I come crashing to the ground. Effy has thrown herself at my legs and tackled me. What the fucking hell? What the fucking hell is she doing? Emily… I have to get to Emily. Get off my fucking legs! I am so crazed that I do not even realize that I have not said any of that out loud. I am just screaming inside my head as I claw at the ground, lashing out wildly at Effy, trying to break free, my worst nightmares coming to life.

My panicked thoughts screech to a halt when I feel the sting of a strong slap across my face. My head snaps back hard. Effy hit me. She fucking hit me!

"Stop it, Nai. Stop fighting me. Just fucking stop it!" Her voice is like iron, stabbing right through me. "You can't do this. You have to stay here and make the shot. Remember, Nai? You have to make the shot or none of this will be worth anything and _none_ of us will be safe."

Cook's voice breaks in over our headsets. "They're going to go right through us unless something changes. We have 5 minutes tops until they're on top of us. Naomikins, you need to take the shot now so I can shoot back at these fuckers when they get here. Please Naomi, please! You need to take the fucking shot!"

"He's right, Nai. You know he is right."

I can't… fuck… what do I do? I can't decide. I don't know… I am looking frantically around me, as if a saviour will somehow magically appear. And then he does.

"I'll go. I'll go and I'll back them up. I can run. I'm fast. Just let me go." It is JJ. Beautiful, brilliant, genius, lovely, fucking JJ.

"Go. Now. Go as fast as you can."

He is running before Effy has stopped speaking, and I hear him use the comms system to tell Cook that he is on the way.

"Cook and JJ will take care of them, Nai. You need to take care of this. Come on, get up. Get your rifle and make this fucking shot before it's too late."

She grabs me by the sleeve and hauls me to my feet, shoving me over towards my rifle. She reaches over to me and takes the ear bud out of my ear so that I can no longer hear our team's transmissions, so that I can no longer hear Emily's frightened voice.

"I'll keep track of them, Nai. I promise. But you need to focus." Her voice is gentle now, but still determined. She is trying to help me calm down. I need to relax, which seems fucking impossible. But I have to try. Sweet Jesus, I have to try.

I lie down into my firing position. The sweat is streaming into my eyes. I wipe my arm across my forehead, and then wipe my hands on my pants to dry them off, too. I go through the steps. I need to follow my routine. My routine will save me now.

I place my firing hand high on the rifle grip and put my non-firing hand on the grip stock, fingers curled but grip loose. I tuck the stock tightly against my face so I get a good sight alignment, and then rest the full weight of my head on stock to help relax my neck and to reduce the recoil. The rifle butt sits against my firing shoulder, with the sling high on my arm above my bicep.

I bend my firing side leg to 90 degrees, and settle into the position. It is one that I can comfortably hold for hours if I need to, but this time I will need only minutes, if that. There is no time.

I take a deep cleansing breath, taking note of how familiar this position feels. I close my eyes and then focus in on my mantra: Emily's voice saying, "I think you can do anything." I repeat it over and over and over again in my mind until my breathing stills.

Once I am grounded, my heart beat more regular, my hands solid, I open my eyes and aim down the night sight at the tiny box so very far away. I squeeze the trigger slowly, surely, firing twice in rapid succession. I hear the soft pops of the silenced shots and smell the burnt gun powder. I hold my position, fighting hard against every instinct that I have to run. Every fibre of my being wants to rise up and race to Emily and the others. But I cannot, _must_ not move until I am sure that the shots have landed. One, two, three, four seconds go by… I am waiting for Effy to tell me. The seconds tick by like hours and my heart dies a thousand deaths before I hear her confirm the hit. As soon as I hear her say the magic words, "target destroyed", I am on my feet and running flat out towards knoll, towards Emily, and Cook and JJ, towards my family, with Effy close on my tail. Everything else is forgotten in my mad rush to save my friends, to save my love. I curse my lack of speed, my awkward gait. I stumble and almost fall, but Effy grabs me and moves me on. There is nothing left but jagged, gasping breaths, placing one foot in front of the other, over and over as fast as I can, cursing the broken ground as I stagger and trip over roots and rocks and unseen dips; begging, pleading every god there is, _any_ god there is, to keep them alive, to keep them safe, for just a little while longer.

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**X X X**

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**Emily**

"Just a few more seconds… I just need a few more seconds, Cook. I have to be sure they're clear."

Charlie 1 is through the fence and into the compound. They've been inside for at least 3 minutes now, which is way too long. We can hear gun fire and grenades even from here. It's turned into a dog fight and our guys are very much out-gunned.

Cook is pushing me to bug out, but I can't leave Charlie squad without eyes. I can hear him taking shots behind me. We are taking fire, the Hornets know that we are out here, but so far nothing has come too close.

Finally I see Charlie 1 running out from the compound with the hostage in tow. It's about bloody time! The relief is overwhelming, but we aren't out of this yet. Not by a long shot. I can see that at least one of our guys is wounded and being carried by the others. And they have company.

"Charlie 1 – you have bogies coming up fast from 5 and 7 o'clock, and another group approaching cross-country in jeeps from 10 o'clock."

I see the Charlie 2 vehicles arrive to pick up Charlie 1 and the hostage and then tear off to the North as fast as they can.

"Charlie squad, you are one mile from your escort team. Break right at the next Y and then go hard left when you clear the bridge." If they can just get to the escort, they'll have enough fire power to over-power the pursuit. If they can just get there they should be safe. I'm leaning forward across my instruments as though I can give them more speed just from the sheer force of my thoughts.

"We gotta go, Red. Right now. There's no more time!"

"Hang on Cook, just a few seconds more. I just need a few seconds."

I can see Thomas scribbling out a decryption and he hands it to me.

"Charlie squad, you've got Hornets heading towards you from 12 o'clock. One jeep, heavily armed. It's ½ a mile out and closing fast, coming right at you."

I hear Charlie squad acknowledge my transmission just before I hear a steady stream of shots being fired behind me. Cook is laying down cover fire as fast as he can.

JJ calls over the comms system letting us know he is coming in fast and he has more bad guys on his tail. He comes diving over the crest of the hill and I hear Cook fire back at his pursuers. The sound of screams tells me at least one of Cook's shots was on the mark. JJ scrambles to his feet and starts firing back the way he came.

"Where did he go? Fucking hell, JJ do you see him? I can't see him!"

It takes all my will power not to take my eyes off Charlie squad to see what's going on when I know that the guys behind me are frantically trying to locate one of the enemy fighters. I block out their voices and their fear and focus back in on the signals that I'm picking up from Charlie squad and the bogeys. I keep directing our guys away from the pursuit and towards the escort team. It's getting harder and harder to spot them a safe route, but they're almost there. I just need a little more time.

My heart is about to jump out of my chest and my voice is almost raw when I finally hear confirmation that Charlie squad has the escort in sight. They aren't completely clear, but they don't need me to spot for them anymore. I immediately yell out, "Let's go, let's go, let's go!" and start grabbing the equipment I'll need to get us to the Alpha site. I'm almost finished when I hear it.

"Emily!" Cook's scream is frantic, blood-curdling. I start turning by instinct towards the sound of his voice, knowing that I have waited too long, that it is too late. I hear the bark of the shot just before I feel a sickening jolt to my chest and I hit the ground hard. I manage only one fleeting thought before everything goes black: Oh fuck… Cook.

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**X X X**

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**Ironic that this turned out to be chapter 13… **

**Review button is below if you are so inclined. **


	14. Chapter 14

**I tried to get this chapter out a little early than usual so that I did not leave you hanging for longer than absolutely necessary. Thanks again for all the great support.**

**Chapter 14 - And the chips fall…**

**I keep forgetting to say this, as it is pretty obvious, but I don't own Skins.  
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**Naomi**

Oh my god. Oh god, there's so much blood.

Effy and I just got here. And… oh fuck. Cook and Emily are on the ground, Cook is sprawled across Emily. Neither one is moving. And the blood... It's everywhere. I can't… oh God. I can't…

"Naomi move! Fucking hell, get out of my way." Effy is shoving me, trying to get past me to where they are laying.

I feel Thomas grab my arm and pull me out of her way. I can't breathe. The run… I was so scared and I couldn't… I kept tripping and… I tried to go faster but… God, we are too late. We are too late. I can't… not again… I just…

"Thomas give her your rifle and get her over to JJ. She needs to help him before we get our fucking asses blown off!"

No! I can't leave. I can't leave them. They are just lying there. They aren't moving. I can't leave them!

"Thomas, get her to JJ, _now_! Then come back when you're done. I need you here."

I am losing my legs. I can't keep standing. I can't… What… I just… This can't be…

"Naomi, you must try to concentrate. You must get a hold of yourself." I can feel his hand gripping hard on my arms, shaking me.

"They are still shooting at us, Naomi. And JJ needs your help. He cannot fight them off alone. He needs your help." The intensity of Thomas' soft voice cuts through to me. I pry my eyes away from the place where my friends lay wounded and let him steer me over to where JJ is. At least there I can shoot back at the fucking bastards who did this. Oh yes, I'll help JJ. I'll help him blow those assholes straight to hell.

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**X X X **

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**Emily**

Everything is hazy, the sounds morphing in and out like I'm under water, like a record playing at the wrong speed. The first things I notice are that my head is pounding and my ribs feel like I was hit by a truck. What the fuck is going on? My mind scrambles to make sense of what I'm hearing and feeling. I've lost my goggles, so I'm lost in the darkness. My eyes are useless to me now. I can hear someone moving near me, though.

"Effy…?" It comes out as a croak, barely audible, but I feel her touch my shoulder.

"Stay still Ems. You're going to be okay, but I need you to stay still right now. Can you do that for me?" Her voice is measured, deliberately soothing, but it doesn't help.

"I can't move…"

"It's okay, Emily. It's because of Cook. He's lying across you, but we'll have him moved in a second. I just need you to stay still until we can do that, okay?"

Oh fuck… Cook.

Now I remember. _He_ is what hit me. He dove into me and knocked me to the ground. He was yelling and then he dove right into me. I don't understand. Why? What's going on? Why won't he get up?

I start to struggle a bit, feeling claustrophobic because I can't move, but Effy is right there again. "Emily stop. Just stay still. I promise you will be okay. You hit your head on the ground, and you may have some broken ribs, but you're going to be alright. I just need you to trust me right now. I need to focus on Cook, so you need to stay still and let me do that."

I work hard to do as she asks, casting my mind back, trying to remember what happened. I remember Cook yelling my name. And… oh no. A gunshot. I remember a gunshot. Cook got shot. Cook got shot because of me. Oh, fucking hell!

"How is he? Is he going to be okay?" My voice is frantic, on the verge of out of control.

"Not now, Emily. Just lie there and let me work, for fuck's sake. I need to take care of Cook and I can't do that and worry about you too."

I can hear the panic in her voice now and that scares me more than anything else ever has. If Effy Stonem is scared it must be really bad. I close my eyes tight and shut up, every thought focused on hoping Cook will be alright.

I start to be aware of gunfire off to my right. There's a lot of it and I think it may have been going on for a while. I can hear JJ yelling but I can't make out what he's saying.

Thomas comes sprinting back and tells Effy that Naomi's with JJ. She seems to have shaken off the shock, and they're trying to hold off the Hornets.

"Good. Thomas, I need you to help me get Cook's vest off - but don't turn him. I don't want to move him any more than I have to until I can get a look at the wound."

I feel them shift Cook just enough that they can cut the vest off of him. He's lying face down across my legs and abdomen. They split the vest at the seams and pull off the back piece and then cut his shirt open to reveal his upper back. I hear Thomas react with a soft, "Jesus, Marie et Joseph." I'm not religious, but even I know that can't be good.

"Okay," Effy says, "Rifle shot to the upper right scapula. "

Oh fuck.

"Bloody hell. It blew right through the armour. What fucking ammo are they using? Jesus. Okay. It's a through and through. Possible lung involvement. From the feel of it, there's probably at least one shattered rib. Airway's clear but breathing rapid and shallow. Shit. There's no breath sounds on the right. Losing blood rapidly."

I can tell that Effy is trying to be clinical, objective, but there's a shake in her voice that I've never heard before.

"Okay. CABC. We need to stop the blood flow and get his lung working. Thomas, put your hand here, right over the entry wound, and here under the exit wound. Press down when he breathes in and then release when he breathes out, okay. No matter what he does, you need to keep doing that until I know whether he has punctured his lung.

I hear Cook groan almost right away and feel him try to shift where he still lies across me. Then I hear Thomas' quiet, gentle voice talking to Cook, telling him he will be alright, and trying to calm him down. I don't think Cook is actually conscious, but he settles a bit at the sound of Thomas' words.

When I open my eyes I see that Effy is working now with a small headlamp. She can't see well enough with the night vision gear to do what she needs to do, so she's taking the risk that comes with using the light. I don't know whether I am grateful for that or not. I can see now, yes, but that just means that I can see Cook as he lies face down across my belly and legs. And if I crane my head forward, I can see the huge and growing blood stain that's spilling across his back. I can feel his blood dripping down my side as well from the exit wound in his chest. I think I'm going to be sick. Sweet Jesus.

As my head starts to clear I can hear how laboured his breathing is. Even to my ears it's obvious that something is wrong. He's fighting for every breath and I can hear the gurgle of him trying to breathe through the blood in his mouth and chest. It's terrifying.

"Okay Thomas, on my mark I want you to remove your hand that's on his back so I can apply the Celox. Ready? Go."

I feel Thomas shift and Effy move in. Within seconds, the Celox gauze is on, and I know that the clotting agent in it should help Cook's blood to clot and if we're lucky the blood flow will stop flowing from the back wound. If Effy can stop the bleeding then maybe, just maybe, he'll have a chance.

"Fuck. I still can't hear breath sounds on the right. His lung is definitely collapsed. Fucking, fucking hell. Okay. Alright. We can do this. Thomas I'm going to need your help. I need to inflate that bastard lung. Of course the idiot would come down with something I've never had to fix before. Fucking dick."

Effy's sifting through her medic's kit, trying to find what she needs and cursing under her breath. She's keeping it together, but there's definitely fear in her eyes. She loves Cook. And I know she'll never forgive herself if she can't pull him through. I know I'll never forgive myself either.

Effy pulls out a huge sterile needle along with some antiseptic swabs and a special bandage for chest wounds and starts lining them up in front of her.

"Thomas, I only know how to do this from the front, so I need you to turn him over and lay him flat on the ground on his back. Carefully. Don't twist his torso if you can help it. And open his shirt."

Once Thomas has managed to shift Cook, with a fair bit of grunting from him and moaning from Cook and from me, Effy moves in. She uses the swabs to clean an area below Cook's right collarbone. I watch her kneel back on her heels and then tear the protective wrapper off the needle. It's fucking huge.

I can hear her start to mutter, walking herself through the process. I'm amazed to see that her hands are rock steady, not even a tremble. This is the Effy that Naomi told me about. The wizard medic who heals everything. She's fucking incredible and I can't tear my eyes off her. She's kneeling down by Cook's side, needle in her gloved hands, eyes closed as she thinks about what she's going to do.

"Okay. Think. You know this, Effy. You can remember how this goes. 2nd intercostal space, right?. Midclavicular line. Yes. That's it. 2 to 3 finger widths below the middle of the collar bone." I can see her run her fingers down Cook's chest as she looks for the right spot.

"There. Right there. Okay. Just have to ease it in. 90 degree entry. I can do this."

Effy rubs her arm across her forehead to wipe the sweat that has accumulated there.

"Here we go. Thomas, you need to make absolutely sure he doesn't move an inch."

Thomas resets himself, bracing his weight against Cook's shoulders with hands, and placing his knees on each of Cook's hips. It is an awkward position to hold without getting in Effy's way, but he somehow manages. When he's set, he nods to Effy. With that, she slowly starts inserting the needle and after what feels like forever I hear a small whoosh as the air releases from Cook's lung cavity. Then he takes the deepest breath I've heard him take since he was shot.

"Oh, thank fuck." The small sob at the end of her words is the only real indication of how scared Effy was. She makes a few small adjustments, and is just pulling the needle from Cook's chest and placing the 3-way bandage over the bullet's exit wound when I hear someone walking towards us.

"How is he?" Naomi. Naomi's here. She's safe. Oh thank god, she's safe.

"It's okay. They left. They must have been called to help chase Charlie squad. Whatever the reason, they're gone. But they may not stay gone, so we need to get moving. Can we move them, Effy?"

"Yeah, I think so. I need a minute to wrap his chest and back. And I want to give him some morphine. I need to check Emily, too. I think all the blood is his, but I'm not sure."

"I'll do it. I'll check Emily."

The next thing I know Naomi's face is in front of mine as she kneels down at my side.

"Hey Ems. I'm here. I'm right here." I feel her take my hand and I squeeze as hard as I can. I am so relieved to see her in one piece.

"I'm just going to check you out for a second, okay?"

I feel her hands gently undo my armoured vest and pull up my shirt. Her hands dust gently across my ribs checking me for wounds. It's only then that I feel a burning across my side.

"Effy, she's got a flesh wound across her left side, just under the vest line. Not too deep, but it's pretty long. And she's already bruising across her chest, I guess from where Cook landed on her."

"Okay. The bullet probably went through Cook and then grazed her, too. Put a dressing on the flesh wound, and wrap her ribs. Any head wound? She was out cold when we arrived."

Naomi reaches out and gently runs her hands behind my head. But not gently enough. I jump when she hits a spot directly behind my left eye.

"Ah! Fuck that hurts!"

"Sorry, Ems. Ef, there is a bump but no bleeding."

I see Effy move over to me and lean in so that I can see her.

"How many fingers?"

"Three."

"Where are we?"

"Um… Weymouth?"

"Okay. Good enough for me. Nai, help her get on her feet, okay. I need to prep Cook for transport. Someone should let the Alpha site know that we're coming in hurt and hot."

"I'll do that," I say. "Just get me on my feet and I'll take care of it."

I reach out for Naomi and grab her forearm as she braces herself to lift me up. I stagger a bit when I get on my feet, leaning into Naomi for balance, my side and head screaming at me from the movement.

"You sure that you are okay?" Naomi's voice is tight, haunted by all the fears that she has faced tonight, that she is still facing.

"I'm fine. At least I will be. Go help with Cook. I'm fine, really."

I can tell that she doesn't want to leave me, but she loves Cook with all her heart and she knows that he needs her more. Once she moves away I head to my gear and call in to the Alpha site. I bring them up to speed and ask for whatever help they can give us. They're going to call ahead to HQ for support and try to meet us part way.

When I move over to update Naomi, I see that Cook's now lying on a make-shift litter Effy has put together from a couple of ponchos with a rifle on either side inserted through the torso and sleeves. It isn't much. Cook's legs are hanging off the end. But it's something. And there's no way we could carry him the distance back to the Rovers without some kind of rig. He's too heavy and it's too bloody far.

"Thomas, JJ, I need you to carry the litter. Keep him as still as you can. I don't want those ribs or his shoulder jostled. Naomi, it would be better if you can help carry him, too. We have a long way to go."

Naomi turns to me. "Can you take point, Ems? Is your head clear enough for that? The way should be clear with everyone chasing Charlie Squad, but we can't assume that."

"I can do it." I know that Cook is too heavy for JJ and Thomas to carry him back to the Rovers by themselves. They'll need all the help they can get from Naomi and from Effy. My head is still pounding and I'm a little queasy, but my vision is clear and I can walk. I need to do this. I grab my rifle and night vision goggles and move to the front.

"Okay, let's get moving."

Thomas and Naomi are at Cook's head, with JJ taking his feet. Effy's walking by the side of the litter, keeping an eye on Cook's vital signs and checking to see that his lung doesn't collapse again or his wounds start bleeding.

We start the long walk, each of us lost in our own thoughts, promising anything we can think of in trade for Cook surviving this journey.

.

**X X X**

.

**Naomi**

"Emily… Em…"

It is Cook again. He sounds so weak. He started calling for Emily a while ago, muttering her name over and over. He isn't conscious, not really. He is feverish and restless, and yet he still has only one thing on his mind: Saving Emily. Stubborn fucking asshole of a hero. Throwing himself in front of bullets. Who _does_ that? And yet, where would I be if he hadn't? He has to pull through this. He just has to.

I hear Effy's soft voice trying to sooth him, telling him over and over that Emily is okay, that he saved her. But he is still restless. It is hard to keep him on the litter. We had to strap him onto it a kilometre or so back when he first started moving around. But every time his weight shifts we struggle to adjust.

Just as I think my arms are going to fall off from the strain of carrying him, I see the dark shape of the Rovers come into sight. A few hundred yards and one more hedgerow to navigate and we will be there.

We cover that last distance without incident, and lay Cook carefully across the back seat of Rover 2. Effy immediately climbs in with him, checking vital signs and talking endlessly to him as she buckles him in tightly.

"JJ, you need to drive. You need to take the lead, too, because you are the only one who knows the route. Thomas, I want you on the gun on Rover 2. But if Effy needs help, you give it. Ems, you're with me. JJ, try to take the smoothest route you can, but we need to get to the Alpha site ASAP, before the bogeys come back to find us. Let's go. Mount up."

Everyone starts heading to their assigned spot, with no one questioning any of the changes. Except Emily. She has not moved. I move over to her side. I know that she took a hard knock, and the hike back here cannot have been easy for her.

"Emily, we need to get in the truck."

She hesitates before looking up at me. It is surreal to see her do that while wearing the night vision goggles. She looks like Emily, but not Emily.

"But, Cook…"

"I know Emily. But Effy is taking care of him, and the best thing we can do for him now is get him to help as fast as we can. So I need you to get in the truck, okay?"

She still does not move. She is completely exhausted, and I worry that she is slipping into shock.

"Come on, Ems. Come with me."

I lead her to the passenger side of Rover 1, and help her climb in. When I get to the driver's seat she hasn't moved, so I reach across to buckle her in, and then I head after JJ as fast as I can.

"Emily, do you think you can call in to Alpha? Can you do that, Ems?"

Again there is a hesitation, but this time she snaps out of it and starts to adjust the settings on her radio.

She makes contact and lets them know that we are on wheels and moving towards them. If we do not run into trouble, we should be there within 10 minutes.

.

**X X X **

.

**Emily**

"Sit right here, Emily, okay? Don't move. We need to take care of Cook. Just sit here and don't move. I'll come back when I can."

I know we're on the landing craft and we're heading back to HQ. But everything is fuzzy, my hearing fading in and out. I put my head between my knees and try to stay awake. I…

"He's lost a lot of blood!"

…

"BP's dropping fast."

…

"Type AB, stat, push as fast as you can…"

…

"Okay, fluids on board…"

…

"Skin is cool and clammy, showing signs of shock..."

…

"…bone fragments…"

…

"…muscle is torn through…"

…

"…need to drain the lung cavity…"

…

"Scalpel…"

…

"… boat is moving too much, I can't…"

…

"… he's crashing…"

…

I feel the world tilting as my eyes roll back in my head, and then I hit the deck of the boat.

.

**X X X**

.

**Naomi**

"Emily. Emily, can you hear me? Emily, can you try to wake up for me?"

The doctor is leaning over Emily, trying to get her to wake up. She has been unconscious for almost a full day now. The best guess is that she hit her head on a rock when Cook landed on her. Whatever the cause, she has a Grade 3 concussion. I honestly don't know how she managed the walk back to the Rovers. She has so much fucking heart. But she needs to wake up now. It has been too long. I really need her to wake up.

"Naoms?" She is so groggy, barely awake.

"I'm here, Ems. I'm right here." I take her hand in mind, and almost cry from relief when she squeezes it back. It is weak, barely there, but she is definitely squeezing back.

"Cook? What… Where's Cook?" She is struggling to sit up, trying to flick off the tubes and wires connected to her.

"It's alright, Ems. It's alright. Relax. You need to relax, okay?"

"Naoms? What happened? Where's Cook, Naoms. Is he…?"

"He's here, Ems. He's at the hospital. He's in rough shape, but he's alive."

I think Emily's relief almost rivals my own when she finally understands what I am telling her. She falls back against the pillows with tears immediately streaming from her eyes.

I am about to explain more when the door bursts open.

"Emily? Emily… they said she was… oh thank god! Emily!" Katie has tears streaming down her face as well as she almost climbs on top of Emily on the bed. She is pulling her to her so tightly that Emily groans.

"Oh fuck. I'm sorry, Ems. I'm sorry. I'm just, fucking hell I'm just so glad that you're alright. I've been taking turns with you and Cook, and when they said you were awake… God Emily, you scared the hell out of me!"

I know these two need some time together now. Katie was almost destroyed when we came in with both Cook and Emily on stretchers. The keening sound she made would have curdled the hardiest blood, and she sobbed so hard for so long that I thought she would collapse. She has just barely been holding on, and I think she needs this moment more than I do right now. I will have another chance later when Emily is more awake. Plus, now that I know that Emily is out of the woods, I want to go check on Cook again. So I slip quietly out of the room, after whispering in Emily's ear that I will be back soon and dusting a kiss across her forehead.

I travel the short distance up the hospital hallway to the ICU wing where Cook is. It is bright, uncomfortably bright, and there is an incessant sound of beeping. Different pitches and rhythms, but constant, endless beeping that grates on your nerves. It is maddening. The nurses are bustling around between the rooms, checking charts and adjusting drips. When I enter Cook's room, the first thing I see is Effy. She looks so small. She is curled up in chair by his bed, her legs tucked under her, one arm wrapped around her knees holding them close. She has not left Cook's side since we first got to him on the hill. As far as I know she has not slept or eaten either. She has stayed with him, holding his good hand, staring at him as though her eyes were the only things keeping him alive; as though if she dropped her gaze for even a moment, he would die.

I lightly squeeze her shoulder to let her know that it is me.

"Emily is awake."

"… Oh, that's good, Nai. I'm glad." Her eyes never leave Cook. Her gaze never wavers.

He is so pale. And there are so many wires and tubes going in and out of him. They cleaned off some of the blood, but he is still a mess. It is so hard to see him like this, so broken.

"He will wake up, too, Eff. I know he will."

"You can't know that, Nai. He lost so much blood, he… You can't know that."

There is nothing I can say to that. She knows better than I do how bad this is. So I do the only thing I know to do to try to make it better for her. I sit down beside her, take her other hand in mine, and hand her Pato. I think right now, other than Cook waking up, the power of Pato is the only thing on earth that might help.

She takes the giraffe and nestles him closely between her shoulder and chin, relaxing ever so slightly as she draws on the calm that he brings her.

And then we wait. And we hope. And we pray for a miracle.

.

**XXX**

.

**I know that at least some of you thought that it was Emily who was shot, but if you check the last paragraph of the last chapter, you will see the ultimate hint that it was Cook. There were a few other breadcrumbs along the way, but that was the big one.**

**Major thanks to Miss Maurauder for helping with some of the medical stuff in this chapter. I have essentially no background with such things, so I have relied heavily on Google to try to make it at least somewhat believable. Any screw ups are mine alone, and hopefully did not distract too much from the story.**

**FYI – I am heading out on vacation at the end of the week (YAY!), so the next installment with take a little longer to post than usual.**

**Let me know what you think of this chapter, or the story as a whole. I really appreciate getting reviews so that I can get a sense of what you think works. And besides that, they kind of make my day when they show up in my inbox :D  
><strong>


	15. Chapter 15

**Sorry this took so long. Vacation was great, though! And this is monster-sized, so hopefully that will make up for the wait.  
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**FYI – rated M for a reason.**

**I don't own Skins. Duh.**

**Chapter 15 – Wishes and hopes**

**Naomi**

It is getting late now and I can feel the exhaustion starting to set in. The past few days have been brutal, both physically and emotionally, and I am starting to wear down. Katie arrived back at Cook's room a little while ago, so I left her to watch over him and Effy while I went back to sit with Emily for a bit. It is a dance that she and I have been doing since the team got back to the base.

Emily is sitting up in a chair by the bed, wearing a god-awful hospital gown and huddling under a blanket to keep her warm. I am sitting next to her holding her small hand in both of mine. She is battered and bruised and completely exhausted, but she is awake. I cannot take my eyes off her. I am just so grateful that she is alive.

"I am so glad that you are okay. You had me pretty scared, Ems, especially when you didn't wake up for so long."

"I know, Naoms. And I'm really sorry."

"No, no. Don't apologize. That's not what I meant. It's just… I'm just really happy to see you awake and in one piece. I don't blame you for getting hurt, Ems. Not at all. But I am not going to lie and say it didn't freak me out. It did. And I am just really happy that you are alright."

Emily gives my hand a tiny kiss.

"Is there any more news about Cook?" Her voice is timid, scared, and she is looking away from me as she asks. I try to make my voice as soothing as possible, but the facts are not good, and there is very little that I can do to make them easier to hear.

"Not yet, Ems. He is stable now, but he's still critical. The doc says that all we can do is wait. But he is a stubborn bugger, and strong as an ox, so I'm betting on him. He's going to wake right up and ask us what all the fuss was about. I know he will."

"He saved my life." I can barely hear her, but I can tell that there are tears in her voice as she tries not to cry. I lean over and pull her into a bear hug, being careful not to squeeze her bruised ribs.

"Yes, he did. His job was to protect you so that you could do your job and protect Charlie squad. I am sure that when we get a chance to ask him, he'll tell you he would do it again, too."

I can hear her mumble into my shoulder, but just barely catch what she says.

"How will I ever be able to repay him?"

"You won't. You don't. None of us can. But that's not how it works, and I think you know it. Just be his friend. That is all he will ever want from you."

"It's so fucking unfair. We just needed a few seconds more, and we would have been fine. We all would have been fine."

Emily is having trouble getting her words out because she is fighting back tears. But I have a feeling she needs to do this, so I stay silent and let her speak.

"Charlie squad wasn't clear yet. They had bogies coming at them from 3 or 4 directions, and I knew they wouldn't make it to the escort team without help. I stayed to give them directions. They had just made it when Cook got hit. We just needed a few more seconds."

With that, she loses the fight against her tears and her body wracks with sobs against me as I hold her. Oh fucking hell. I hate it when she cries.

"Emily. Emily, you need to listen to me. Cook is fighting hard. And he has the best care he can get. He is strong, and he is stubborn and he will absolutely beat the odds every time just to piss people off. Don't count him out yet, Ems. You have to stay positive. You have to believe."

I am not sure whether my words have helped at all, but Emily's shaking lessens and her sobs start to quiet. I know she won't really be okay again until Cook is. None of us will. We are all scared for him. But for now, all that I can do is hold her, and let her know that I am here for her. And maybe take her mind off of Cook for a little while.

"Tell me about your talk with Katie." I can see her face shift at that, as her mind moves from her sorrow over Cook to the memory of her reunion with Katie, and I'm glad.

I hear Emily sniffle a bit, then she wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her gown. I think she may have wiped her nose on my shirt before that, but I don't know for sure and I don't really care. I just hand her a few tissues and lean back until I can see her face again. She is a mess. Her eyes are red, and her cheeks are mottled. Her hair needs a wash and she has bruising around her eyes from banging her head so hard. And yet she is still so beautiful.

"It was good, I guess. She yelled at me for a while for getting hurt and making her worry, but that's just how Katie shows her love. If she hadn't yelled I would have wondered if she was ill."

There is just a glimmer of a smile at that, and I am so relieved that all I can do is nod at her to encourage her to continue.

"She's worried about Cook. I mean, of course she is. But, Naoms, she said she was really worried about Effy, too. She said Effy hasn't left him since we got back. She's not eating or sleeping. She just sits there, watching him. She said Effy will answer her if Katie asks a direct question, but that's all. Other than that she just sits there."

Emily has been staring at the floor as she said this. After a moment, she looks up at me and asks, "Do you think Effy will be alright?"

I sigh, and try to figure out how to answer her. I consider lying to her - Emily is worried enough about Cook - but I can't make myself do it.

"Probably, if he lives. Probably not if he doesn't. I don't know how much you know, Ems, or how much she would want you to know at this point. So, I'm just going to say that Effy has a dark side. It is something that she has struggled with for most of her life. And sometimes she gets lost in it. She's done well for the past few years, but that's because her family was with her and we were more or less okay. But Cook is probably the most important part of that family for her. How can I put this? He… Cook brings light to that darkness. He helps keep it at bay for her, and when it starts to be too much, he is who she turns to almost every time. To be honest, I'm scared of what will happen to her, where she'll go in her head, if he doesn't make it."

We sit in silence for a while after that, each lost in our own thoughts. I am as scared for Effy right now as I am for Cook. All I can do is hope that they both pull through.

"Katie has been really good with Effy, Ems. Better than I would have expected. She's been bringing her food and even managed to get her to eat some. She's the only one who's been able to do that. Eff won't even eat for me, but Katie… for Katie sometimes she will."

"I think Katie is kind of surprised by Effy. That she's still there, holding on so tightly, I mean. She thought Effy didn't care about anything, but she's starting to know better, I think."

"Effy only ever grabs on tightly, Ems. She either doesn't grab on at all, or she grabs on for dear life. There's no middle ground with her. If she cares at all, she's all in. For better or worse."

"She was amazing in the field. I know you told me she was, but to see it, to actually see what she did with Cook… that was… it was fucking incredible."

"I know. She was good with you, too, Ems. You may remember her checking on you on the hill, but you probably don't know how she took care of you on the boat. You passed out and fell down on the deck. And she was there in an instant. She got you assessed and stabilized and immobilized so fast… I was just standing there. I couldn't move, but she… she just got it done. Even though she was so panicked over Cook, she knew that he was being taken care of so she took care of you. I think that's the only thing that let me keep it together. I knew that she was fighting for you, and as long as she was doing that, I could breathe. It was scary as hell, Ems. But waiting there to find out if you would make it? Well, that made it pretty fucking clear how much I love you, so, you know… that's good, right?"

I smile gently at her, waiting for her to take in the full meaning of my words. The ear-splitting grin that bursts across Emily's face when she does takes my breath away. She is so beautiful that I can hardly stand it. And to know that I can make her feel like that, that I can make her smile like that… well, it feels really fucking good.

"Em, I need to… I want to… Okay, let me start again." I take a deep breath, going back in my mind to a time I would much rather forget. "When I saw you and Cook lying there on that hill, and I saw all the blood, I thought my world was ending. I really… there was nothing left. And then again on the boat… I just… You are important to me, Ems. So important. It seems ridiculous given that I have known you for such a short time, but you… I need you. And you need to know that. So, yeah. Now you do."

I realize as I finish talking that I am nervous. I think my heart actually skips a beat as I wait to hear Emily's response to my confession. The relief is indescribable when she just pulls me into a hug and then a gentle, loving kiss. And I relax into her completely when I hear her say, softly, "Well that works out well then, Noams. Because you have me."

We sit like that for a while, neither one of us having any inclination to move or speak, just soaking in the feel of each other.

"You should go check on them."

"Hmm?"

"Effy and Cook. You should go check on them, Naoms."

I raise my head to look at her, the conflict evident on my face.

"It's okay. I'll be fine here. But they need you. So, you should go and take care of them. Okay?"

Every time I think I understand just how incredible, how selfless, this woman is, she does something new, something like this, to show me that I still have a lot to learn.

I give her a quick, chaste kiss. "Okay. But I'll be back as soon as I can."

"I know. Now go. Go take care of them for me. And make sure they know how much I love them both and that I would be there myself if I could."

"I will. I promise. And I will let you know as soon as there is any news at all. Now get some rest."

"No promises. But I'll try."

I know that is the best that I can hope for right now, so I give her one last brief kiss, holding her face gently in my hands, and then go.

.

**X X X**

.

I make a detour to the mess before heading to Cook's room, but it only take me a few minutes. Katie is gone when I get back to the room, probably checking up on Emily again. It is hard to be so torn between the two of them, Emily and Cook. Whichever one I am with, I feel as though I am letting down the other. I am pretty sure Katie is having the same struggle. It's good that we can trade off back and forth so one of us is with Emily and Cook pretty much all the time.

"I brought you some coffee, Eff, and a muffin." I lean past where she is still sitting next to Cook's bed to put them on the bedside table. She mumbles a quick, "Thanks", but makes no move to take either one.

"You need to eat, Eff."

She doesn't bother to look at me, let alone answer. She just continues her quiet vigil as though I had never spoken.

"When was the last time you slept?

"Fuck off."

"Excuse me?"

"I said, fuck off. I'm not a child, Naomi, and I don't need minding. Not by you, not by anyone. So fuck off."

"Well, obviously you _do_ need minding, you daft twat, because you're sitting here wasting away, not eating or sleeping, and you are going to make yourself sick if you keep it up. You won't be any fucking use to anyone if that happens, so eat your damn muffin and get some rest!"

I raise my voice at I say it, yelling at her by the end and finally I get a reaction. Effy turns to me, and there is venom in her eyes. It would scare the shit out of me except that I know her well enough to know that it is a defence mechanism. She is going to try to shove me away so that I can't get too close and I can't call her on what she is doing to herself.

"_Fuck. Off. Naomi.__"_

Good. She's pissed. At this point I am glad to see _any_ show of emotion from her.

"I'll fuck off when you eat something, how about that?"

"Why don't you just shut the fuck up and leave me alone?" Her voice is getting louder, but I don't care. I want to shake her up so I keep pushing.

"Not going to happen, Effy. So, why don't you shut the fuck up and eat something?"

"Why don't you both shut the fuck up? Jesus!"

Effy and I both freeze at the sound of the weakened voice. We slowly turn towards the bed, not daring to hope that we actually just heard what we think we heard.

"Cook!" Effy half gasps, half sobs the name, rushing quickly to lean over Cook, reaching out to touch his face, his chest, his arms, everything she can reach, as though need to check that he is really awake, really talking. I stand just behind her, and start crying like a baby when I see Cook's beautiful blue-grey eyes looking back at us.

"I'll get the doctor," I say as I start running for the door. I stick my head into the hallway and bellow at the top of my lungs. I see Cook's doctor come running and I blurt out, "He's awake", stepping out of the doorway so she can get into the room.

The doctor tells Effy to step back from the bed so she can examine Cook, but Effy won't do it. She just keeps holding Cook's hand, staring at his face while the tears stream down her own. When the doctor asks again Effy tells her she's not leaving. Effy's voice is so determined, so convicted that the doctor does not ask again. The room is getting crowded now, as nurses and technicians enter, but Effy still refuses to budge. Finally, I walk over to her and lean down to whisper in her ear.

"We need to give them room to work, Effy. It's okay. We can stand right outside, but they need to be able to do their jobs. Come with me, Eff. Okay?"

As I physically pry her away from Cook, untangling the grip she has on his hand, I look to him and say, "We'll be right outside, Cook. And we'll be right back as soon as they say we can. I promise. We'll be right here."

He nods, and with that Effy stops struggling against me. Cook catches her eye and nods again. "It's okay, Beautiful," he says weakly. "I'm not going anywhere."

Effy sags against me, all her strength gone in her fight to keep Cook alive by force of will alone. I gladly take her weight. She is a fucking magician, and by saving Cook and Emily she has saved us all. I help her walk past the end of the bed and out into the hallway, then I turn her so she faces me and wrap my arms around her as tightly as I can. She buries her face into my chest and continues to sob. But I can tell that this is different. These are tears of relief, as she releases all the stress and fear and dread that she has been fighting these last days. Cook is awake, and so now, finally, she can let go. I lower us both gently to the floor and just hold her and let her cry until she has no more tears to shed. It is the very least that I can do for all that she has done for us, for me.

.

**X X X**

.

About an hour has passed since Cook first woke up. The doctors have run their tests, the technicians have poked and prodded and checked and double-checked results. And Cook, thank fuck, is still awake and aware. And a little cranky, not that I can blame him.

"Fucking hell. I feel like the morning after really rough night. Got that "hit by a truck" feeling right the fuck all over."

"They said they're going to bring you something for the pain, Cook. It shouldn't be long now."

"How long was I out of it, Blondie?"

"Three days, Cookie. Three very, very long days."

I see him take that in. From the look on his face, it's a shock to learn that he was out for so long. I think he is starting to realize just how serious his injury is. He shifts focus then.

"You look like I feel, Eff."

Effy does not answer him. She is sitting on the side of his bed, just watching him, with her hand on his blanket-covered thigh. So, I say, "She's been here the whole time, Cook. So has Katie, pretty much, at least since Emily woke up. I'm sure Katie will be back soon."

Cook reacts to my words, starting to try to raise himself on the bed. "Emily – oh, fuck. Is she okay? Where is she? Did she get hit?"

"It's okay, Cook. Relax. Lie back down before you hurt yourself." Finally, Effy has spoken, as she gently takes Cook by the shoulders and coaxes him back down onto the bed.

As she does, I try to reassure Cook as best I can. "I promise, Cook, Emily is fine. I just left her a little while ago, and she is sitting up in her chair and talking up a storm. She was nicked by the bullet that got you, but it was just a flesh wound. She got a pretty solid bump on the head when she hit the ground, and she's got some pretty impressive bruises, but honestly Cook, she is going to be fine. She is worried about you. She will be so glad when I tell her that that you're awake. We're all glad, Cook. You have no idea."

Effy is silent again, sitting next to Cook, staring at him as though to memorize every facet and feature. Cook gestures to her with his good hand, waving her towards him, and when she leans down far enough he pulls her into his embrace. She stays there, tucked in close by his side, and Cook happily lets her. He knows. He can tell how emotionally upset she is, how fragile, and I can see that it is killing him to know that it is because of him.

"So what's the deal, Blondie. How long am I gonna be gimped up?"

I can't lie to him. His doctor gave me the run-down after she finished examining him, and it's not great. "It's going to be a long recovery, Cook. You have some pretty serious damage to your shoulder blade and the muscles around it, and the doctor is still a little worried about your lung. The bullet was a through and through, but it beat the hell out of you on the way by."

I know there is no easy way to tell him the next part, so I just dive in and get it over with.

"They want to send you to the safe zone for rehab, Cook. As soon as you are well enough for transport. They don't know how long it will take, but the doctor told me that she thinks it is the best chance you have to regain full use of your shoulder and arm. It's going to take a lot of work, but she _does_ think that you can make a full recovery if you are willing to work for it."

I can see the fear hit his eyes at the thought of not getting the use of his arm back, and of having to leave us. So I give him the little bit of comfort that I can. I had made a call, authorized on compassionate grounds, as soon as the doctor told me about the rehab plan.

"I spoke to Gina, Cook. She says she would be really happy if you would stay with her and Paddy while you're recovering. In fact, she said she would come down here and kick your arse into next week if you don't, so, you know, best say "yes", right? She sends her love, and a smack on the head for getting yourself shot. I believe her exact words were something about 'daft berk'."

Cook laughs at that, then grimaces, and starts to cough. That is exactly when Katie arrives. When she sees that he is coughing, she grabs a glass of water and holds it out to him, shyly helping him take a sip.

"Hi. I just heard. I would have come sooner…"

"Ah Katie. You're a sight for sore eyes, you are." Katie flashes a genuine, unrestrained smile at him when she hears that, for once looking just like her twin.

"I'm so glad you're alright. I was well scared when I saw you brought in. Worst fucking day of my life I think, seeing you and Emily like that."

"I'm sorry I worried you, Katie. I'm sorry I worried you all."

Effy speaks up then, saying, "I'm glad you're awake, Cook. Really glad. Time for a shower and some sleep for me, though, now that you are in Katie's capable hands. I'll come visit you in a little while." She gives him a kiss on the forehead and then walks out of the room without looking back.

"Is she okay?"

I don't know quite how to answer Cook, without making him even more worried than he already is.

"She saved your life, Cook. What she did in the field – without it you wouldn't be here. Even with it, it could have gone either way. I think she is just a bit overwhelmed and now that you're awake she needs to go let herself feel it. She didn't leave your side the whole time, so she has to be pretty exhausted, too. Look, I'm going to go check in on her to be sure she's okay. And I'll let Emily know that you're awake. I'll be back though, and you should expect to see Emily pretty soon, too."

I take my turn kissing his forehead, and ruffle his hair while I am at it. "I love you, you dickhead. But don't you ever do this again!"

.

**X X X**

.

I stop by Emily's hospital room first to let her know the good news. I have to argue with her to keep her from disconnecting her IVs and monitors and charging right down the hall to see him. Finally she agrees to wait until the doctor gives clearance for her to leave her room, but she isn't happy about it. I think the fact that Katie is with Cook is what eventually gets Emily to agree to wait a bit. Whatever it is, I am grateful.

I explain to her that I am worried about Effy and want to go check on her, and of course, Emily understands and agrees. So after pulling a promise out of her not to go gallivanting around without permission, I tell her that I'll be back as soon as I can and then head over to find Effy.

I stand in front of the door to Effy's room, trying to gather myself to face whatever state she may be in. I have seen her crash before, and I am hoping as hard as I can that she won't sink that far this time.

I raise my hand and knock. Two knocks, a pause and another knock, so she knows that it is me. I'm just about to knock again when the door opens a crack. I push it open enough to enter the room, and as I do, I see Effy walking listlessly back to her bed. She sits on the side of it and pulls her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her knees and resting her chin on them.

"We could have lost him." I can barely hear her, but I know what she said. As bad as these past few days have been for me, I think they have been worse for Effy. I know her. I know that she has been going over and over everything she did, everything she didn't do, trying to find something she could have done differently to make it better. To make Cook better. I move across the room and sit beside her.

"But we didn't, Effy. And that's because of you. You saved his life on that hill. _You_ did that. No one else. You saved them both. And I will never be able to thank you enough."

"He's really going to be okay, right?"

"Yeah, Eff. The doctor said he is going to be okay."

Effy turns to me then, burying her head just beneath my chin as I wrap my arms around her.

"I don't want him to go away. I just got him back. It's not fair that he has to go away now."

"I know, Eff. But he needs to. If he's going to get completely better, he has to go where he can get the treatment that he needs. It won't be forever, Eff. We'll have him back in no time."

"Do you promise?"

Well fuck. What can I possibly say to that? There are so many things that can go wrong, so many things that might mean that he can't come back. But for now, I do what a friend should do. I tell her what she needs to hear.

"Yes, Effy. I promise. He'll be back before you even know it."

There is a long silence then, broken only by the sound of our breathing. Finally, Effy uncurls from me a bit and says, "I should try to sleep. Would you… Could you stay with me for a while?"

"Of course." I help her stand, and pull down the blankets so that she can climb into bed before I lie down beside her and hold her, whispering words of reassurance and love until she sleeps. I will stay with her through what is left of the night, gladly, with my arms, my warmth, my heartbeat making a barrier against the demons that chase her, still.

.

**X X X**

.

**Emily**

"Oh, thank fuck. I thought you'd never get here!"

I have been going crazy ever since I woke up this morning and the nurse told me I would be released today. Knowing Cook woke up last night and still having to wait for someone to "pick me up" because they wouldn't let me leave on my own was totally frustrating.

"Hey! I got here as fast as I could. Show a little gratitude you ingrate!"

"I'm sorry, Katie. It's just that I've been waiting for ever to get discharged and I just want to get out of here."

"I get it. I'd be well crazed if I'd been stuck in here, too. So let's get going. Do you have all your stuff?"

"Yeah, it's all here."

"Right. Into the wheelchair. Hospital rules."

Oh fucking hell. I can already tell that Katie is going to just love this.

"Fine," I say through gritted teeth. Once I'm settled in the chair, deliberately ignoring Katie's smirk at my predicament, we head out into the hall. Katie starts heading to the right, until I stop her.

"Wait. Which way is Cook's room? I want to see him before I leave."

"I know, Ems. I knew you'd want to see him, so that's where I'm going, okay?"

As I look up at my sister I am struck by just how amazing she can be when she wants to be. I really am lucky to have her as my twin.

"Thank you, Katie. Really."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Just shut up and let me drive." The words may be flip, but the smile on her face tells a different story.

It doesn't take long before we get to Cook's room, and the first thing I hear is absolute music to my ears.

"Red! Katiekins! Thank fuck for a little twins action to perk up my day!"

"Well hello, Cook, glad to see that you're still a total wanker."

"Every chance I get, Little Red, every chance I get! Come here and give the Cookie monster a hug."

I can't think of anything I would rather do at this moment, so I do just that. It is delicate, because of our respective injuries, but it's exactly what we both need. When his arm loosens a bit, I carefully sit back in my chair.

"You saved my life."

"Oh fuck that. It wasn't on purpose."

"What the fuck? What does that mean?" I almost laugh at the sound of Katie outrage as she comes riding to my rescue.

"No, really. I saw him aim at you, Red, and the next thing I knew my body was throwing itself in the way before my brain had a chance to catch up and say 'what the fuck?'"

Cook lets out a classic Cook cackle after that, and I can't help but laugh with him. I should have known he'd never let me thank him seriously. But I guess I don't have to. He knows.

"What the bloody hell is that?"

I turn to see what Katie is talking about and just about fall off my chair when I see it. Sitting in the corner of the window ledge is a collection of carrots tied together and arranged in a vase.

"Oh fuck, yeah. That was Panda," Cook explains. "She said she wanted to bring flowers, but the garden only had veggies - so she made do. Totally bonkers, that girl, but lovely, you know? She came by a while ago with Thomas. He at least brought me a deck of cards to pass the time. Good lad. Only problem is I can't shuffle with just my left hand. I'll figure it out though. JJ said he would teach me. I guess all his magic stuff may turn out to be helpful after all. Already bored out of my tree, I am. I can't wait to be up and around."

"How long before you get back on your feet?"

I can see something flash across his eyes, but I don't get a chance to ask about it.

"Listen, ladies, as much as I'd like to continue this, I'm getting a little tired, so…"

"Right. Of course. Look, we'll go now. I'll check in on you tomorrow, okay, Cook?"

"You bet, Ems. And Katie, once you have Ems tucked in to her room, maybe come back to see me, yeah?"

"Of course, Hun. I was planning on it."

"Okay. Take it easy, Red. Don't want you messing up all my fine work."

"You're a knob."

"Got one, for sure. Know how to use it, too." He cackles at the grossed out look on my face, but it ends in a cough and a groan, reminding me just how hurt he is.

"Okay – get out of here. I needs my beauty sleep."

"Well, I definitely wouldn't want to interfere with that, you ugly bastard."

"Good one, Red. Glad you are okay, love. Really glad."

"You too, Cook. I owe you forever."

"Nah. Not the way it goes, Red." His voice has turned serious, and the sudden shift startles me. "Just don't waste it. Fuck the life out of every day you get, and we'll be square, yeah?"

His generosity in so easily absolving me of my debt to him is overwhelming. I know that I'll cry if I try to answer him, and I know that he would hate that. So I just nod my head to acknowledge his words, and let Katie wheel me out of the room.

.

**X X X**

.

I am so grateful to be back in my tiny room that I could almost cry. I am stretched out on the bed, relishing the fact that most of my aches and pains have disappeared. My door opens and my favourite face peaks around it.

"Hey, you." When Naomi sees that I am awake, she steps the rest of the way into the room, crossing quickly to sit by my side. "I went to find you and they said you had been discharged."

"Yeah. A couple of hours ago. Katie was there, and she took me to see Cook and then helped me back to my room. She even helped me get a shower. It feels heavenly to be clean again."

"I am so sorry I wasn't there for you. I was…"

"I know." I interrupt her before she can go any further. "You were with Effy. Katie let me know you were still there. And that's okay, Naoms. You never have to apologize to me for that. She's your family. She's been trying to be so strong for everyone for so long, I figure it was her turn to lean. And who better to lean on than you? How's she doing?"

"Not great, but a little better. She got some sleep at least. She only woke up a few minutes ago. And before I left she promised me that she would go to the mess and eat something, which is good. How are you feeling?" Naomi tucks the blankets in a little closer around me as she asks.

"Good. The soreness is pretty much gone, and I don't have a headache any more. I'm just a little stiff, that's all. How are you?"

"I'm fine, Ems. You know I didn't get hurt."

"Not physically, no. But emotionally… it had to be awful for you, Naoms, especially so soon after..."

Naomi places a hand on mine, cutting me off. "It was awful, Ems. Because you and Cook were hurt. And I did lose it for a bit, I can't deny that. Seeing the blood, it brought back everything from the ridge. But you are both alive and getting well. And Effy is going to be alright. And JJ is doing amazingly well all things considered. That is all that matters. I'm sure it is going to hit me again now and then. But you survived, Ems. And so did Cook. And that is what I am going to hang onto."

"Come here." I need to kiss her, to connect with her. I need to feel her near me. I shudder when I feel her lips on mine again, my body reacting even more strongly than usual. I sink into it, memorizing every moment. But despite how amazing this feels, I can't still my thoughts, and I have to pull back.

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry!"

"No, no. It's not that. It's just… I'm just a little… Oh fuck it. I'm nervous. That's all."

"Nervous? Okaaay. Can you tell me why?"

I duck my head, embarrassed that I am making such a big deal out of this. I feel Naomi's hand lift my chin until I look at her.

"Emily, you can tell me. Whatever it is, I promise you that it's okay."

I try to swallow past the lump that's now firmly lodged in my throat.

"It's just... things are different now. I don't know. I can't… It was different before."

"Before what? Ems, talk to me. You're worrying me now, honey."

I search Naomi's eyes, seeking reassurance there, looking for any doubt, any uncertainty. I see only love and concern.

"Before you told me about Jamie. Before you almost lost me, too."

I see the shock cross Naomi's face as she understands what I'm trying to say.

"No. Seriously, Ems, no. Don't. Don't do that. There's no comparison. The two situations are completely different. I didn't lose you, Ems. Thank god for that. You're right here, and I want to be right here with you. I'm not going to tell you that I never think about Jamie or what happened to her or what could have happened to you. That would be a lie, and you'd know it. But I can honestly say that the only time that I have thought about Jamie since you got hurt was when you mentioned her name. I think, the way she died, well, that's going to haunt me all my life. But as much as I loved her, still love her, as much as I wish she had not died… I am so glad that I met you."

Naomi has been leaning forward, pushed towards me by the intensity of this moment. But now she sits back. I can see that she really wants to tell me something, and she is trying to find the right words. Finally, she flicks eyes back up to mine and reaches out to cup my cheek. The feel of her soft hand on my face makes me lean into it, my eyes closing all on their own as I savour the sensation.

"Emily." I open my eyes and see her looking at me with an expression of absolute tenderness and absolute conviction.

"I will always wish that she hadn't been killed, Ems. Always. I will always miss her, too, because she was an amazing woman and an amazing wife and friend. But you have to believe me when I tell you that I will always be just as glad that you are in my life now. Jamie is my past. A beautiful past until the very end, for sure, and one that I miss very much. But you are my future. At least, I really, truly hope that you are. So please don't feel insecure, or worry that I will run away, or that it will be too much for me, or that you don't measure up. You do. You are so different from her, in so many ways, but you are _everything _to me now, Ems. Everything that I need and everything that I want right now. Okay? I'm with _you_, Emily. And as much as I regret losing Jamie, especially the way I did, I am very, very glad that I have you now. You aren't replacing her, Ems. You are completely different and completely you. And I love you, Emily. I am _in_ love with you. I really am."

I'm not sure who is crying more at this point, Naomi or me. I launch myself at her into a hang-on-for-dear-life hug to end all hugs. As I feel her arms wrap around me I can feel the doubt lessen, the insecurity fade away. I believe her. Seeing what was in her eyes as she spoke to me, hearing the emotion in her voice, I can't help but believe her.

When I have a grip on myself again, I pull back in her arms enough to see her beautiful face. "I love you, too."

Naomi just smiles from ear to ear and says, "I know."

Then she leans in to me and gives me a slow, tender, passionate kiss. I feel her pulling away and try to chase her with my lips, but she just laughs and rests her forehead on mine, foreheads touching, so close that I can feel each breath she takes. She shifts as though she is going to speak, but falters. She starts again two more times, before I finally break in and ask, "What is it, Naoms?"

"I, um. Well… this may be too soon, and if it is…. It's probably too soon. I'm an idiot. Never mind. Just ignore me. Forget it."

"Hey! Slow down. What's going on? What's too soon?"

"I… I just… Oh hell. I want to learn you, okay?"

Naomi looks so embarrassed and uncertain I almost don't want to tell her that I don't understand.

"I'm not sure I know what you mean, Naoms."

She's blushing bright red, and looking everywhere except at me. If she wasn't so obviously uncomfortable it would be incredibly cute.

"Naoms…?"

"I just… I want to learn what you like, Ems. You know… what makes you feel good, um… sexually. I want to touch you, and taste you, and learn everything there is to know about how to make love to you."

Oh my god. I can't believe she just said that. I start to stutter, my brain frozen by the very, very naughty images that are blazing across it at warp speed. Suddenly it is very, very hot in this room. Naomi must know what she has just done to me, because I can see her embarrassment starting to fade. She gives me a wolf-like grin from underneath her lashes, and says, "Can I?"

Without even thinking about it my head is nodding violently up and down.

"Are you sure that you are well enough?"

"Oh, yeah. Yes. Absolutely. Clean bill of health. No restrictions. Perfectly fine. Yup." My voice has dropped at least half an octave, and I am babbling like an idiot. My arousal is completely obvious, and I absolutely don't care.

"Would you tell me if you weren't well enough?"

"Probably not, after what you just said to me, but I'm fine. I promise. So, can we maybe stop talking now? And you can go ahead and, um… start learning?" I practically squeak the last few words, and it makes Naomi laugh. The little fucker is actually laughing at the effect she is having on me.

Then with a more than slightly devilish hint to her voice, she says, "I'd be delighted," and dives in. She starts with another earth-shattering kiss that leaves me whimpering as I feel her tongue explore my mouth. Sweet heavenly fuck she's good at that.

I feel her hands work their way under my shirt, and gasp at the feel of her touching my bare skin. Slowly, so slowly, she delicately undoes each button, moving from the bottom to the top, and exploring each new bit of skin that she reveals before moving higher. I groan when I realize that she has stopped at the button just below my bra, but I forgive her when I realize that it's so she can let her mouth follow where her hands have so recently been.

I shudder at the first feel of her lips and tongue as they explore my belly button, tugging gently on the bar I wear there. She's moving excruciating slowly, doubling back whenever I react to her, finding each place that makes me squirm. She moves on to remove the rest of my clothes, piece by piece, slowly, lovingly, taking long moments just to look at me.

"You are so beautiful."

I know that I'm blushing wildly as the heat from her gaze scorches me. I want her so badly I can barely stand it.

"I need you!" The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"Not yet." Her smile is like a huntress who wants to toy will her prey before devouring it, before devouring me.

"_Please_, Naomi."

"Not yet, my love. Not yet. I have a great deal more to learn." The grin she flashes me as she says this sends a bolt of heat right through me. Fuck. Me. She's enjoying this. She fucking knows how turned on I am and she's enjoying making me wait.

.

**X X X**

.

**Naomi**

She is incredible. Spread across the bed, naked, waiting just for me, her arousal obvious and so fucking exciting. I can barely contain myself, but I want to take this slow, to touch every part of her. I want to blow away every, single doubt she still has about us. I want to make her mine, and make her know, really down-deep know, that I am hers.

I lean over her, placing a hand on either side of her chest, and take her nipple into my mouth, making sure that my lips are the only part of me that is touching her. I want all her focus to be on what I am doing to her with my mouth. I want the sensations she feels there to be the only thing she can think about. I suck gently, then harder, gauging her response with every move. The harder I suck the more she responds, her nipple becoming rock hard under my tongue. So I bite down softly on her sweet bud, pulling gently. I feel myself flood when I hear the moan that over-takes her.

"You like that."

"Oh, fuck yes. Yes, I like that."

"Mmmm."

I could stay and play with this nipple all day, listening to her moans and feeling her squirm beneath me. But I want to touch all of her, learn all of her, so I move over to her other nipple, still not touching anywhere else, but sucking it, licking it, biting it not quite so gently this time until she whimpers. "Fuck, yes. God that feels so good, Naoms."

I smile to myself and give one last nibble, and then replace my mouth with my fingers, rubbing and tweaking and pulling both buds as she writhes beneath me. I watch as she becomes more and more aroused, until I think she is close to coming just from this alone. And then I stop and pull back until I am sitting on my heels, watching her, loving that I can see her this way, that she will let me see her this way.

Emily's frustration is obvious, and I leave her hanging, wondering, just for a moment before I continue my exploration of her perfect body, teasing her, loving her with my hands and mouth and teeth, mapping every inch of her. As I do, I slowly peel off my own clothes, letting more and more of my bare skin touch hers as I do. I love how she responds to me, and I memorize each spot that she reacts to, taking note of what type of touch she likes best at each place. A lick behind her left knee, a scratch under her right shoulder blade, sweet kisses below her left ear. As I pass by her lips I stop to kiss her again. Long, slow, leisurely kisses as I explore every part of her mouth with my tongue. I can't contain my own groan when she sucks my tongue in return, fucking it with her lips. I have to pull away or I will lose control. So I lay a line of wet, open-mouthed kisses down her neck, licking across her collar bone, and sucking hard above her heart. I want to mark her. I want to claim her heart as mine, tattoo her with my love, and so I do, licking the bruised skin when I am done to soothe it.

Emily is making noises now, beautiful, agonized mewls and groans and sighs, non-stop. But I am not finished. I continue my exploring, paying special care to soothe the still vibrant bruises on her side, finding more sweet spots as I kiss the inside of her right wrist, as I run my tongue along her inner thigh, as I slide my naked breasts across her lower back and ass. And every time I find a spot, I go back to it, again and again, playing Emily's body like an instrument until she is vibrating with raw, uncontrollable desire. It is fucking magical. I am doing this to her. I am. Me. And I cannot get enough.

I lick, and suck, and bite, and touch, and scratch. I want to tease her, tempt her, until she cannot stop herself from begging for more. I run my fingers across her entrance, so softly that she can barely tell that I am there. She is so fucking wet, her scent intoxicating me, blowing all rational thought from my mind. I coat my fingers in her wetness and then move up to touch all around her swollen clit, brushing by it once, twice, but never staying, never giving her the pressure that she needs. I want her desperate, craving, crazed for me, for release. And finally, she can't hold off any more and it is so fucking beautiful that I could cry.

"Please, Naomi. Fuck. Please. I need you inside me. _Please_!"

As soon as I hear her words I enter her with just one finger, and I hear her scream out at the sensation that it brings. I hold still for a second, then two before I start to push in and out, slowly at first, finding my way, reading each shift and sound I draw from her like a book. I curl my finger gently and feel her clench around me. There. Right. Fucking. There. I move faster, hitting that spot with every stroke as I build her up. It doesn't take long to find her rhythm, her hips rocking with me, trying to pull me deeper. I add another finger and then one more, feeling her so tight around me. Oh fuck. She is incredible. I push harder, driving into her again and again. Her hand comes down to wrap loosely around mine, feeling me as I move in and out of her. She is cursing now, swearing and begging and pleading as she climbs. I know that she is close, so I reach up with my free hand and tug on her rock hard nipple, using the knowledge that I have gained to pull just hard enough. I look up to catch her eye. I want her watching me.

"Look at me, Ems. I want you to look at me."

"Fuck, Naoms, please…"

When I know that she is watching me, I lean in and run my tongue across her clit, never breaking eye contact, sucking and flicking at her swollen nub and savouring my first taste of her as I drive my fingers ever deeper inside. I can feel her walls tighten around me. The heat rolling off her is electric. I am on fire right along with her. Emily is bucking against me wildly, out of control as I try to hold her down. I surge forward with one last, hard drive with my fingers as I flick my tongue fast across her, and she is gone, screaming, and gasping and clutching at anything that she can hold onto. It is the most incredible thing that I have ever seen. I keep pushing in and out, slowing my rhythm, but extending her climax as long as I can, pressing soft kisses wherever I can reach as I do. When I finally start to pull out so that I can move up to hold her, she stops me, reaching down to grab my hand and hold me inside her. So I stay still, resting half across her while she slowly comes back to herself.

After a little while, she loosens her grip on my wrist. She groans as I gently pull out, shuddering as my fingers finally leave her. I wipe them quickly and move up to lie beside my love. I reach out to tuck her hair behind her ear, smiling when her stunning face is revealed to me once more.

"Hello, Beautiful." I speak quietly, as though in fear of breaking the spell that we are under.

"Mmmm?"

Sweet Jesus. She is adorable, all groggy and sated.

I nuzzle her nose gently with my own. "Are you okay?"

"Oh yeah. Way more than okay. Fucking amazing." She still has not opened her eyes.

I laugh at that and pull her in close, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her eyelid just because I can. I lean down to whisper in her ear. "Not to be a complete prat here, but I really, _really_ love that I can do that to you."

Emily laughs, the sweet sound striking deep into my heart. "For the record, Naoms, I really, _really_ love that you can do that me, too."

And with that, my lover, my beautiful, magical Emily, snuggles into my chest and goes to sleep. And I think maybe, just maybe, we are going to be alright.

.

**X X X**

.

**So, there you go. Happy(ier) days are here again. Please drop a review if you liked it, or disliked it, or had any kind of reaction to it at all. It perks up my day to see them.**


	16. Chapter 16

**I am amazed and delighted that this story still continues to get new followers and favourites, and I very much appreciate the people who have taken the time to review. There have been some anonymous reviewers lately, and I can't PM them with my thanks, so I will do it here: Perfecttttt, Shira, and Guest, thank you. Your comments made my day. And FitchSwitch – thank you for the Tumblr shout out. Very much appreciated.**

**I don't own Skins. If I did we'd already know for sure that Naomily was a "go" for season 7.**

**Chapter 16 - Ch... Ch... Ch… Changes.**

**Emily**

Talk about the sleep of the angels. I don't think I've ever slept as well as I did last night. I know part of it is just the relief that the mission is complete and Cook is going to recover. Another part is that Naomi just flat out wore me out. God, did she wear me out! In the very best way possible. Just thinking about it has me grinning from ear to ear, not to mention getting a little flush. But I also know that part of it was just because I was wrapped up in her arms.

When I woke up, I was using her naked chest as a pillow, my left leg tucked between both of hers, my left arm lying across her stomach. The feel of her bare skin on mine was incredible. I think more of me was lying on her than on the bed. But the best part… the absolute best part, is that Naomi was sleeping with her arms holding me close and her chin resting on my head as though she could barely get close enough to me. And that, on top of everything she said and did last night… well, I feel like the luckiest person on earth right now.

Last night was the best night of my life. I can't wait to return the favour – to make love to Naomi and show her in excruciating detail how much I want her. But I don't want to wake her. She's exhausted. The stress and strain of the last several days has taken its toll. Between the trip to ridge, the mission, Cook, Effy, and of course me, I know she must have used up pretty much every ounce of reserve she had. So, despite how much I would selfishly like to wake her and touch her in as many creative ways as I can think of, I decide to let her sleep.

I'm starving, though, so I carefully slip out of bed, gathering my clothes from where she scattered them around the room last night. I quickly scratch out a note to let her know that I'm heading to the mess, and that I love her, and that I'll be back. I leave it next to her on the bed so that she'll see it as soon as possible after she wakes. I don't want her to wonder for even a moment where I am.

Once I have myself reasonably well put together in a t-shirt and combats I take one last, longing look back at the bed, reveling yet again in the beauty that is Naomi, and then head out. I want to head to the mess because I'm starving, but I decide to check to see if Katie is in her room so she can join me.

I head up the hall with the memories of last night to keep me company. I know there is a huge smile on my face. I just can't help it. I knock at Katie's door, expecting to have to knock again a few times before she answers. Katie's pretty hard to wake up at the best of times. I'm surprised when the door opens almost right away to reveal Katie, wide awake and fully dressed in the same clothes she had on yesterday, with bloodshot eyes and tear streaks running down her face.

When she sees that it's me, she hauls me into a bear hug so quickly I almost fall over. I can feel her shaking in my arms, and it's not long before I hear her start to sob. I hold her as tightly as I can, slowly moving us back into her room and towards the bed. I sit us both down, never breaking the hold I have around her, rocking her gently in my arms until she starts to quiet. Then I pull back slightly, using my thumbs to wipe the tears from her face. She looks so lost that I'm frightened.

"Katie, what's wrong? What's happened?"

"It's Cook. He broke it off. He's leaving me and he broke it off!"

With that, her tears start to fall again and she buries her face back into my neck, clinging desperately to me as she cries.

.

**X X X**

.

**Naomi**

I have just arrived back at the hospital to see Cook. I am really starting to hate this place, but at least now I know that he will be out of here soon.

"Naomikins!"

I hear the bellow as soon as I cross the threshold into Cook's room. It is so typically him – the pre-injury him - that I can't help but grin. He is sitting up in his hospital bed. His right shoulder and torso are still tightly wrapped and strapped, but his colour is a lot better, and it looks as though someone has given him a sponge bath and cleaned of the dried blood and grime that he had been covered in. The smile on his face is so incredible to see that it brings tears to my eyes. I look over at Effy, who is once again sitting next to him, and am glad to see that she looks better, too. She is wearing clean clothes and has obviously just taken a shower. Her hair is still damp and she has it pulled back into a ponytail. The dark shadows under her eyes have lessened, and there is a peacefulness in her face that I have not seen since before the rescue mission began. My family is getting better, and I am so fucking glad.

"Hey, you two. Good to see you looking almost human." As I speak I cross over and sit in the chair next to Effy, throwing my arm around her shoulders and pulling her close as I reach out with my other hand and drape it across Cook's leg.

"None of that shit, Blondie. I want the goods, the deets, the play by play!"

I look over at Effy wondering if she knows what Cook is talking about. She just shakes her head and rolls her eyes.

"Come on then, you and Emily. Spill!"

Oh. That.

"So, you're together now, yeah. Properly like?" Cook again. He is a persistent little pain in the ass.

"Yeah. We are."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yeah, Cook. I am."

"Well, I gotta admit you look happy. Don't she, Eff? Got that just-shagged-within-an-inch-of-my-life look, don't she!"

I choose to ignore that comment, and just answer the real question. "I'm happy, Cook. I really am."

I think back to this morning. I woke up feeling happy and rested – a strange combination for me. I had a moment of panic when I realized that Emily wasn't in bed with me, but as soon as I struggled upright to look for her my hand landed on her note. I had to laugh when I read that she had gone to the mess. I have never seen anyone so small pack away so much food. I smiled ear to ear when I remembered exactly how she worked up her appetite last night. My god what an amazing night that was... My happy stroll down memory lane is shattered by Cook.

"Yup. From the look on her face she's definitely happy! Emily must be a real tiger. I knew that girl had game!"

"I haven't seen you like this since Jamie, Nai. I'm really glad to see it now." Effy's quiet voice takes both Cook and me by surprise. I see Cook tense up when Effy uses Jamie's name. He is waiting for me to explode the way I used to when anyone talked about her. But this time, I don't feel that way. This time it actually feels nice to hear her name. So, I just smile and say, "Yeah. It definitely feels right."

The look of surprise on Cook's face is almost comical. "So we can talk about Jamie again?"

"Yeah, Cook. I think... I think we can, now. It still hurts to remember. But pretending it didn't happen wasn't really working out for me, was it?" I flash him a wry smile at that. Talk about an understatement.

"When I woke up yesterday morning, I had been dreaming about her, about Jamie. And they were good dreams, happy dreams. And even once I was awake, I kept remembering a lot of good memories. It was pretty amazing, actually. And I think… I think it might help to do more of that, you know? To remember the good stuff? Somehow it feels okay to do that again."

I shrug then, a little embarrassed. I don't really know how to explain what has changed, and I am not quite ready to share the details of how and why it happened. I'm not sure I even understand that fully myself.

"It's Emily." I swing my head towards Effy at her words, my eyebrow cocked in a question.

"What?"

"It's Emily. She gives you something good to hang onto. And she gives you hope. It's easier to deal with loss if you have that."

I have to think about that for a minute. It's not entirely right – there is more to how I am feeling now, to why I can cope with remembering Jamie, than just that. But that is definitely part of it. My thoughts fly then to snapshots of my time with Emily. To the day we met, to dying her hair, to the night at the bar, and the night at the bench. I can see now that I never really had a chance. I was destined to fall for her from the very beginning. And I think she was destined to help me heal. What I was thinking about must have been obvious on my face.

"Wow. You really like her. Emily I mean." Cook actually seems a bit overwhelmed by this. There is no joking in his voice now, just gentleness and caring.

"Yeah. I do."

"Whoa! You more than like her!" Now he is getting excited again.

"Yeah. I do." I send Cook a shy smile, not quite sure how he will react. But as always, he comes through.

"I'm glad Blondie. Little Red is something special. You better treat her right."

I look up at that, staring him right in the eye. This man, my dear friend, risked his life for Emily, almost died protecting her. I know his words are not idle. He cares about her. And I find that deeply comforting.

"I will, Cook. I promise."

I can feel that things are getting too serious. We have had too much of that recently, so I decide to change the subject.

"Enough about me. What about you? Did you think about Mom's offer?"

"I did. Eff and me were just talking about that. I think I'm gonna say yes. You know I loves me some Gina time, so… yeah. I'm gonna go. It'll be good to spend some time with Paddy. See a bit of him growing up. I know he's missed me…"

"And you've missed him." I can't help sliding that in. Cook likes to paint himself as rough and tough, but he's the biggest marshmallow there is, and he loves his little brother something fierce.

"Yeah. I have. Besides, I can't wait to dive into Gina's home cooking…."

He is such a goof. We all know how much he loves his brother, but Cook still has to try to deflect that with a joke. Let's face it. No one actually loves Gina's cooking.

"You'll take care of her for me?"

"Always, Naomikins. You know I love her like my own mother. Fuck that. I love her a lot more than my own mother!"

"Alright. And Cook, you do what they tell you at rehab, right? Whatever exercise or medicine or anything they say – you do it. You do it and you get better and you come back to us. Right?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Effy has watched this little exchange without comment. But once it is clear that Cook is going to go North, I can see her face change. I know something is worrying her.

"Does Katie know? That you're leaving?" Ah. There it is. I should have realized that would be on Effy's mind.

"Yeah – told her last night, didn't I. She was pretty upset. Felt a bit shit telling her, to be honest."

"How did she take it?"

"Not bloody well. I think she was okay with the idea of me being gone, but... Well fuck. I called it off, didn't I? Her and me, I mean. It's for the best, yeah. There's no knowing when I'll get back. Could be months, couldn't it? And I can't ask her to wait. We haven't been together long, you know. I don't want her waiting around just hoping I manage to come back. So, yeah. I called it off."

"Oh, Cook." I can tell that he's more upset by this than he is letting on. He really cares about Katie. I suspect he's mostly worried that he won't get the use of his arm back, and he doesn't want Katie to feel like she has to stay with him if that happens. But I know he wouldn't appreciate me calling him out on that, especially in front of Effy, so I let it go.

"Keep an eye on her for me, will you Effy?"

"I'm not sure I can do that, Cook."

"I am." I am startled by the look Cook is giving Effy as he says this.

"I'm not blind, Eff, okay? I get it. I know you like her."

Effy stiffens in her chair, but stays silent. I am suddenly really uncomfortable and I start to stand up to leave. Before I can even get out of my seat, Effy grabs my hand and pulls me back down. She does not let go even when it's clear that I am going to stay where I am. Instead, she threads her fingers between mine and grips even more tightly.

"Tell me one thing, yeah. Do you love her? I know you, Effy. Better than anyone. And I see the way you have been looking at us. So tell me. Do you love her? Do you love Katie?"

"No."

"Effy!"

"No Cook. I could, you're right about that. But I don't."

"Not yet."

"No, Cook. Not ever. I picked you, okay? I will always pick you."

I see that Cook is surprised by that. Surprised and very much affected. As his eyes fill with tears, he reaches out to Effy and pulls her into a hug.

"Thanks, mate. That means everything coming from you."

Cook lets Effy sit back down on her chair, and discretely wipes the wetness from his eyes. I see him take a deep breath, and wonder what is coming next. These two are my best friends. They have never wanted the same woman before, and I really don't know how this is going to go.

"But, I'm letting her go, Eff. I don't know when I will get back here, or even if I will, and it's not fair to hold her to me. Maybe if we'd been together longer. But we're just getting started, yeah. And I can't do that to her. So, you'll have your shot. And you should take it, Eff. I mean that. I don't think you'll catch her, but the field is free. You have my blessing or whatever I'm supposed to say here. So, give it a shot, yeah. And if it works out, I want details. _All_ the details. And pictures would be nice. Poster sized, in colour."

Cook is flat out leering at Effy at this point, and she quickly reaches out and smacks him across the head.

"Dickhead."

"Yeah. Well." He is serious again, all playfulness gone. "Take care of her, Effy. Whatever happens between you, I need you to take care of her for me."

Effy is overcome with emotion from what Cook has said and done. She nods to let him know she will do as he asks, then chokes out, "I have to go. Later. I'll come by later."

I watch her dash out of the room and turn the corner before I speak. "Are you really okay about this, Cook? About Effy and Katie?"

"Yeah. I'm fine with it. No way Katie goes for her though. Straight as an arrow, that one."

"I don't know about that, Cook. Effy Stonem on the prowl can be pretty persuasive. You know that better than anyone."

Cook breaks into a filthy grin, no doubt thinking back to when he and Effy were first getting together and she was prowling after him. "Too true, Blondie. If anyone can convince Katiekins to switch teams, the Effster can. But I still don't see it. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to watch - fuck would I love to watch - but I just don't see it happening."

"You're a fuckwit."

"You know it. But I'm your fuckwit. And you love me!"

"Yeah. I do. I really, really do. I'm going to miss you, Cook."

"Nah. You won't. Little Red will have you so tied up in knots - literally if my wildest dreams come true - and you won't even notice I'm not around."

I know I should shoot him down for that remark, but in all honestly I am too thrown by the mental image of Emily tying me up. Oh my. That… just… Jesus. Oh my. I shake my head to snap myself out of the sex haze I just dropped into.

"So when do you leave?"

"Tomorrow, I think. Not sure exactly when."

Cook is starting to grimace, and I can tell the pain is getting worse. It must be getting near time for his next dose of meds.

"Do you want me to ask the nurse to bring your pain pills?"

I can see relief cross his face at the thought. "That would be great, Babe. And then you should go see to Red. I always sleep after getting meds anyway, so you might as well go spend some time with your girl."

I give him a kiss, squeezing his good hand as I do, trying to convey all the love I feel for him into these simple gestures. And then I head out to the nurses' station to try to get him his meds.

.

**X X X**

.

**Emily**

I'm sitting the common room sipping a cup of tea and scribbling my report on the rescue mission on a clipboard. Katie left about a half hour ago after spending the whole morning with me. She had cried for a long time before she was finally able to tell me what was going on. I can't believe Cook called it off. My heart broke for Katie when she told me. I know how much she was hoping that Cook would be the one. Even though they'd only been dating for a few weeks, ever since Katie told him that she couldn't have kids and he didn't run away screaming, she had invested her whole heart into their relationship. I think I understand where he's coming from, but I could still kick his stubborn ass for hurting my sister like this.

Katie and I talked a lot, about a lot of things. She was as open and honest as she's been with me in a long time. I think my near miss and Cook getting shot really affected her. The distance that had built up between us since the Crash and since Mom and Dad went North with James was all but gone as we sat on her bed talking through her heartache. I felt really good to have her trust me like that again.

At some point my stomach finally growled so loudly that we couldn't ignore it anymore, and Katie suggested that we go get breakfast together. We grabbed some food and tea and brought it here because the mess was too crowded. I told Katie about the rescue mission, and everything I remembered from after Cook got shot. She kept asking questions, trying to get every detail I could offer. And then she told me a bit about what happened after I passed out. I guess Naomi had filled her in on some of the bits and pieces. It was pretty horrifying to hear the whole thing from Katie's point of view. My god. She had to wait for us to get to the hospital after the landing craft team called in to HQ that we had casualties. And then she had to watch as Cook and I were both carried in unconscious and covered in blood. I can't even imagine how awful that must have been.

She told me about shuttling between Cook's bed and mine the whole time I was unconscious. She really wanted to stay with me, because I am her sister, but Cook's condition was so much worse that she felt she had to stay with him, too. I made sure that Katie knew that I understood. I didn't want her feeling guilty that she wasn't with me when I woke up.

Eventually we pretty much talked ourselves out. Katie was tired, not having slept much last night after her talk with Cook. So, I sent her back to her room for a nap and settled in to do my overdue reports.

Now I am just about finished, thank god. I feel hands cover my eyes, and a kiss land lightly on my head.

"Hello, Beautiful."

I start to smile at the sound of her voice, Naomi's voice, and raise my hands cover hers and pull them away from my face.

I look up at Naomi over my shoulder. "Hi. I missed you."

"I think that's my line. I'm the one who woke up alone this morning."

"I left a note!" I'm worried that Naomi might not have seen it, but she quickly reassures me that she did.

"So what have you been doing since you got up?"

I tell her about Katie and the break up with Cook.

"Yeah. I know about that. I was just with Cook and he mentioned it. For what it's worth, I think he is really trying to protect her more than anything."

"I know. And Katie gets that, too. But it still sucks, Naoms. She's really hurting."

"I know, Ems. It sucks for everyone I think. We are all going to miss him."

Naomi has just dropped down onto the couch beside me when we see Kieran walk in with his usual Aide, as well as a short, balding man with glasses. This is definitely unexpected.

"Ah, Naomi girl, just the person I was looking for. I'd like you to meet someone. You, too, Emily."

Naomi and I both stand up and look to Kieran to explain.

"Naomi, Emily, this is Michael Keith. He is the hostage you helped rescue."

Holy fuck!

"He's on his way to the refinery, under escort of course, but he asked to stop here to meet you all."

Naomi and I both swing our gaze to the small, nondescript man in front of us. He's nothing like I imagined. I mean, this is the guy the fate of the country is resting on, right? I expected tall, handsome, and heroic looking, and instead he looks like a kindly uncle or a librarian maybe.

Even so, it's overwhelming to be standing here, standing so close to this man who until now has been just a concept, the "hostage", without any real sense of who he really is. He takes a step forward and shakes both our hands, Naomi first, then me.

"Thank you. Thank you both. There aren't words to thank you properly for what you have done for me. Especially those of you who were injured in the course of my rescue. I am forever in your debt. I can never repay you properly, but I can promise that I will work every moment of every day until we get the refinery back on line. You all, and so many others, put everything on the line for me. I promise that I will do the same in return. I will not rest until we succeed."

Neither of us can manage to say anything in response. Kieran interjects, asking his Aide to escort Mr. Keith to meet Cook, saying JJ and Thomas should already be there waiting, and Keiran would catch up with them before long. Kieran turns back to Naomi once the other two men have made their way out of the room.

"Cook will be heading North tomorrow morning. I thought I should send something with him for your mom. She was pretty upset at the close call. Called me names I never could have imagined coming out of her mouth when I spoke to her after you got back. I need you to help make it right, Naomi."

"I'd be happy to, you know that, Kieran."

"Good. You leave in the morning."

"What?"

"I want you to escort Cook – take some time, keep your mother company, remind her that she actually loves me…"

"I'd love to, it's just…" I see Naomi look over at me. I know she's worrying about leaving me right now.

"It's not really a good time, Kieran… just so you know, Emily and I are together now."

"Naomi, my love, anyone paying an ounce of attention can see that. Good on you both. Oh, and take her with you."

"Really?" That's me. I can't even manage to be embarrassed that I've practically squealed in excitement, or that I'm now jumping up and down clapping hands at the thought of getting to travel North with Naomi and Cook.

"Sure. You've both earned it. Naomi could use an extra rifle on the trip anyway. Not to mention that I know Gina would love to meet you."

Oh fuck. I stop jumping and stand there, flat-footed, struck still by the thought of meeting Naomi's mother.

"I love the idea, Kieran," Naomi says, grinning at my obvious panic attack. "The only thing I need to do is check on Effy to be sure that she will be alright."

"I have to check on Katie, too," I chime in. Katie was doing better after we talked, but she's still hurting and I don't want to leave her unless she says it's alright.

"Go ahead. But let me know quickly. If you aren't going I need to assign another escort team. And I'll need to come up with another way to grovel to your mother!"

Kieran turns and leaves, heading to the hospital and Cook.

"What do you think, Ems. Do you think we can do this?"

"Well, Katie and Effy have been getting closer lately, so maybe they can keep each other company. We won't be gone long, so maybe it will be okay. I mean, it's not every day you get a chance to see your Mom, and I'm sure they would be happy to know that Cook will have us with him for the trip."

"Wow. I could actually see my Mom."

The huge beaming smile across Naomi's face makes me really hope that Effy and Katie will be okay with us making this trip. But I have to admit that I still have serious butterflies at the thought of meeting the infamous Gina. It feels like a big step, meeting Naomi's mother. And what if Gina doesn't like me? I mean, maybe she really liked Jamie and decides that I don't measure up? What happens then?

.

**X X X**

.

**Naomi**

What a fucking ride that was. We left for Leeds with Cook this morning, after getting the full support of Effy and Katie for us to accompany him. The roads are beat to hell between Bristol and here, like they are everywhere, and poor Cook got more of a shaking than someone in his condition should have to suffer through. We stopped a lot to give him a break from being tossed around, but it was still a long, difficult journey for us all. Cook hated it every time we called a halt to give him a rest. It might not have been so bad if it was just Emily and me. But we had a whole escort convoy with us for security. The route is too dangerous to travel any other way. I know Cook was embarrassed to show any weakness in front of the others. Little does he know how fucking brave he really looked, gutting it out for so long when he is so obviously badly hurt. I heard a lot of comments about him on the trip, but not one of them was anything even remotely negative. He has become a bit of hero, actually. And the guys who were with us were proud to be able to help keep him safe.

It almost makes up for the tough journey when we see Gina and Paddy at the door. I know I am crying with happiness, and I'm pretty sure Cook has tears in his eyes too. It has been so long since we have seen them.

"Gina, babes! You glorious specimen of womanhood, how are you?"

"Oh, Cook! You sweet talking charmer, I'm fine. But the question is how are you?"

There has always been a huge amount of affection between Cook and my mother, and it is honestly wonderful to see how she embraces him to welcome him home. And to her, there is no doubt that this is his home. This is exactly where he belongs and Gina would not have it any other way.

"Right as rain, Gina love, right as rain. Paddy, my boy, you've grown half a foot. What the fuck has this woman been feeding you?"

Paddy's face just lights up at the words from his brother. It has been far too long since they have seen each other, and poor Paddy has missed having Cook close by.

We keep the rest of the hellos brief, but meaningful. Cook is in too much pain for us to do anything else. I do really quick introductions for Emily, smiling when I see how shy she is with my Mom, and giving Paddy a quick smack on the head for the nose-to-toes check out / eye fuck he gives her. Like brother like brother, it seems. It looks as though he is going to be just like Cook where women are concerned. Paddy gives me a sheepish grin and shrugs, as if to say, "I can't help it, she's hot." I can't really argue with that, so I let him off the hook and ask what room I should put Cook in. If we don't get him to a bed soon, I am pretty sure he's going to fall down. His face has paled several shades just since I helped him out of the truck.

Before my mom can tell me where to take Cook, Paddy speaks up and says, "I'll do it." He pulls Cook's good arm around his shoulders and helps Cook up the stairs to the room they will be sharing while Emily and I are here. Paddy has grown up well – he's 16 or so now, and getting tall and filling out. He's a good looking guy, with the same crazy glint in his eye that Cook has. He's going to be a heart-breaker for sure. It is incredibly touching to see him help his brother, and the look of love on Cook's face as he looks at Paddy is worth every painful mile that we travelled today. He absolutely made the right choice to come here to rehab. I actually shudder to think what kind of trouble those two will get into once Cook starts to get better.

"Alright, Naomi. Time to introduce me properly to this lovely vision of womanhood beside you."

Oh my fucking god. I had forgotten just how embarrassing my mother can be. I look over to Emily trying to telegraph an apology with my eyes, but she is just smiling back shyly at Gina. I pull Emily close, wrapping my arm across her shoulder and dusting a kiss across her cheek. I can't quite get used to the fact that I get to do that yet.

"Mom, I would like you to meet my girlfriend, Emily Fitch. Emily, this is my mom, Gina. And don't even try to call her Mrs. Campbell. She won't answer you if you do."

My mom is beaming as she moves forward and hauls Emily out of my arms to envelop her in a patented Gina hug.

"Welcome, Emily. I am so glad my mardy-pants daughter finally got her head out of her arse and admitted how she feels about you."

She pushes Emily back, holding her at arm's reach. "You are even more beautiful than she said you were."

Emily shoots a quick look my way before a blush breaks out across her face and she ducks her eyes down to her feet. "Thank you. It is a pleasure to meet you, Mrs… um… Gina."

God, she's cute when she's embarrassed!

Finally my mom takes pity on Emily and changes the subject. Unfortunately she changes it by asking, "Tea?"

Before I can warn Emily against it, she has accepted. Fuckety fucking fuck. Now we'll have to try to choke back some dastardly herbal concoction from hell. Effy used to drive me crazy betting on how many sips I could manage to drink before I had to stop. No matter what the prize was, Eff usually won the bet because I just couldn't manage to drink the foul stuff.

We move to the kitchen, chatting happily, with Gina first telling us about the herbal blend she is going to brew. She developed it herself using dried basil, lavender and turnip root. Yes, turnip root. Dear god, this is going to be even worse than usual.

Gina goes on to tell us all her news as she puts the kettle on. She is excited about a new community group that is starting in town to help grow vegetables for the elderly and other people who can't manage it on their own. She gets really wound up talking about the need to take care of those who can't take care of themselves, especially now that you can't just walk down to the local Tesco for what you need. She gets so worked up I almost expect her to announce that she is opening the house again to anyone who needs a bed, just like in the old days. I am almost disappointed when the kettle whistle sounds and interrupts her rant.

Gina makes sure to explain to Emily that there is no milk or sugar for the tea because of rationing, but she has a bit of honey that she has been saving for a special occasion and offers that if Emily prefers her tea sweetened. I can tell that Gina is trying hard to make Emily feel at ease and at home, and I love her just a bit more for that. Eventually, and all too soon, the tea is brewed and poured. I almost lose it when I see the expression on Emily's face when she takes her first sip. Even with the honey, this is no sweet treat! I learned long ago how to pretend to sip without actually tasting the monstrosities my mother serves and dares to call tea. There was usually a handy plant nearby to dump it out in, which is how Effy and I survived, but I didn't have time to tell Emily not to actually drink the stuff. I would have thought the reference to turnip root, not to mention the smell, would have been warning enough, but apparently not.

Once I'm sure that I won't inadvertently snicker out loud, I suggest to Emily that we should head upstairs to unpack the belongings we brought with us. We won't be here for long, but we both brought some extra clothes in case we get a chance to hit the town. Because we're above the Sheffield line here, the town is fully occupied and functioning. Most of the ruins from the early days after the Crash have been cleaned up, and many of the damaged buildings have been rebuilt or shored up using whatever supplies could be scavenged or found. It's not the same as before the Crash, but there are markets and shops - local goods only, of course, - and even a bit of a night-life. I am hoping that we can explore it a bit. We haven't had a chance to really relax in a long time, and we've never had a chance to really relax together.

We talk it through with Gina before heading upstairs. She tells us about what we can expect to find in town, and what the night curfew rules are in the area. I am thoroughly mortified when she casually mentions a local wood that has become a lovers' lane and proceeds to give detailed directions on how to find it if Emily and I suddenly feel a need to "scratch that itch." It is my turn to blush bright red, and Emily's happy laugh makes clear that she is enjoying that.

After a little more chat, we decide that we will all have dinner together, and then Emily and I will head out to enjoy the town. I am delighted, and I'll admit a bit relieved, to realize that Emily and Gina are getting along brilliantly. I am a little less delighted at the way they so effortless gang up to embarrass me, but the smiles on their faces make it worth it.

Eventually Emily and I excuse ourselves, and head upstairs with our duffle bags. As we are walking up the upstairs hall we pass the bathroom. I stop, staring at what I see in there. It is a bathtub. An honest to god bathtub. With claw feet. And room for two.

"GINA!"

"What is it, Naomi, what's wrong?"

"Nothing wrong, Mom, just wondering… um… does the bathtub work? I mean… can I take a bath in it?"

"Yes, dear. Paddy and a friend rigged up a solar battery thing-a-ma-jig, so there's even hot water if you don't fill it too much."

Oh. My. God. A bath. For two. Just being able to have a bath after so long would be amazing enough. But a bath with Emily. Naked. And wet. In the bath with me. I might just fucking die of happiness. I flick my eyes over to Emily and I can tell from the look of want on her face that she's already on the same page.

"Race you." She takes off to drop her bag in the bedroom we're using, and has already started peeling off her clothes by the time I get to the door. We are in the bathroom with the taps on full within a minute.

This is going to be amazing.

.

**X X X**

.

**Emily**

The water is stone cold but neither one of us wants to get out. Finally, when I start to shiver, Naomi gently moves me forward so that she can stand and help me up. By the time I step out onto the bath mat, Naomi has picked up a soft towel to wrap around me. She's still dripping, the beads of water slowly making their way down her body as she uses the towel to dry each part of me. She won't let me help. Each time I try she moves my hands back to my sides. I'm still getting used to this side of her.

I shouldn't be surprised. She's been like this since we first settled into the tub. We washed each others' hair in between kisses, and she gently washed down every inch of my skin, then washed herself. When we were both completely clean, she turned me around so my back was to her front, and then settled us back, holding me close to her as she nuzzled my ear.

She let her hands roam without purpose for a while. But it wasn't long until her movements gained focus and I couldn't help the moans that escaped me. I was already so close just from the feel of her warm, wet skin on mine. So once she started to touch me in earnest, her tongue sliding along my neck, teeth nibbling at my ears, her hands playing perfectly with my breasts, then reaching lower, ever lower… well. Let's just say it didn't take long before I was struggling to stay quiet and water was sloshing awfully close to the edge of the tub from the way my hips were bucking.

She has tied the towel around me now, tucking it in just over my left breast. I can't help myself. I place my hand on her hip and lean into her, stretching upwards so that I can kiss her, my free hand on her neck to help deepen the kiss. I'd be happy to stand here kissing her all day, but I know that she must be getting cold. I step away, grabbing another towel to dry her off.

She really is beautiful, every part of her. When she's dry, well, almost every where, I hand her the towel so that she can cover herself for the walk down the hall. Then I reach up again and wrap my arms around her. I love hugging Naomi. We fit. And I know I want to be able to do this, to be this close to her whenever I want, for the rest of my life.

"Come on, Ems. We should get ready for dinner. Gina is going to have a field day with this as it is. I apologize in advance for the incredibly embarrassing and invasive comments my mother will undoubtedly make tonight."

I laugh at her, and start heading to the door. Gina can't be that bad. Can she?

.

**X X X**

.

**Naomi**

Dinner was fantastic. Don't get me wrong, the food was edible, at best. But to be able to sit at a table with Gina and Cook and Paddy and Emily? Well, that was just amazing. Cook didn't last too long before he needed to lie down again, but he and Gina made the best of the time they had. A particularly memorable sequence involved them taking turns mimicking the sounds they heard floating out of the bathroom when Emily and I were in there. We were pretty much in hysterics at their antics through the whole meal. Emily just kept turning her head from one to the other like she was watching a tennis match, and that was as much fun to watch as the banter between them.

Gina helped Cook get settled back upstairs before coming back down to join us for dessert. Dessert was accompanied, unfortunately but not at all surprisingly, by Gina regaling Emily with embarrassing stories of my childhood, much to Emily's delight. I think she liked it best when Mom asked her if I still had my old pig shirt. When Emily made clear that she had not heard about this infamous shirt, Gina had her in stitches telling her the story. Yes, I had a pig shirt. Yes I named the Pig "Patricia" and considered her my best friend. And yes, I insisted on sleeping in the shirt every night for over two years until I finally grew out of it. What of it? From Emily's giggles and smirks while Mom told the story I just know that I have not heard the last of that.

Once dinner was over, Emily and I took care of the clean-up, kissed Gina good night and then made our way into town. The town is quiet tonight, but there are still a fair number of people milling around. We're on the patio of a small bar. We stopped here because we could sit outside - the night is unusually warm for this time of year - but mostly because there is a small dance floor inside. I vividly recall how amazing Emily is on a dance floor, and I very much want a chance to dance with her tonight.

It is interesting to see how different Leeds is from Bristol. This part of the country has survived fairly well. There is still no electricity or water service. But in the years since the Crash the people here have cobbled together cisterns to catch rain water, and gravity based pipelines to deliver water to some of the homes and businesses. My mom was telling us at dinner that they basically revived the old Roman aqueduct concepts. Most homes also have their own systems for collecting water, but the main source comes from the raised aquifers and aqueducts.

That, along with the system of generators that provide electricity, allow the town to function almost normally, or at least as normal as life can get these days. The strangest thing to see is the ring of battlements that now encircle the heart of the city. They are fortifications to keep out the guerrillas. They are monitored by a City guard, which also patrols the inner part of the town to provide a sort of policing.

The streets are still damaged, with areas where rubble still stands to mark the buildings that were destroyed here. But there is a central market for food, and ration cards for gas and diesel. And there are a few scattered restaurants and bars like this one. Things run mostly on trade, but there is an active economy that runs on the exchange of rations. That is how Emily and I are paying for this night out. Gina loaned me some gas rations that the bar will accept in exchange for drinks. So, Leeds is alive and functioning. And after so long living in the empty shell that Bristol is now, it is really nice to see it.

Emily is sipping at her drink, a vodka something. She's quiet, looking out over the street with a far away expression on her face. I reach across to take her hand, wrapping my fingers around hers.

"Hey. Where'd you go?"

"Hmmm? Oh. Nowhere. Just thinking."

I love the way she looks at me. As though it is Christmas morning and I am her favourite present. But this time there is an edge of sadness lurking behind her smile.

"Thinking about what?"

"I was just remembering how things used to be. My parents brought us here once when I was little. For a wedding or something. I can't really remember. Everything is so different now that I don't even recognize this as the same place. It's been ages since I saw my parents or my brother, you know. I don't even know for sure that they're still alive. It's just… I just miss them, I guess."

I tighten my hold on her hand, trying to provide some comfort. But she is resilient, my Emily, and she quickly shakes her head as though to toss away the sadness that has touched her.

"Enough of that. There is time enough to think about all that when we get back to Bristol. Tonight is for us. Give me something good to think about instead."

"Hmmm. That's a hard one. How about…. I love you?"

From the smile on Emily's face I know that I have said the right thing. She leans across the table and kisses me, her fingers tangling in my hair.

"Let's dance."

Like I would ever say no to an invitation like that. I pull her to her feet and tug her close for another kiss before moving into the bar and onto the floor. I start to move, feeling the beat soak into every pore. Then I feel Emily slide up behind me, her hands on my hips, her body tucked close against me. I let her lead our motion, taking my cues from her hands as they guide me. But I realize quickly that I need to see her, not just feel her, so I turn towards her and wrap my arms around her neck. One song slides into the next and the rhythm picks up in pace. Emily moves just slightly away from me, her arms lifting away from my hips to work their way through her hair and then over her head. Her eyes are closed as she starts to lose herself in the music and I think my heart may beat itself right out of my chest. She is so beautiful - sexy and almost wanton as she moves. I can see a light sweat start to break out on her pale skin. Her neck is calling me so I move in close to her again and start to caress it with my mouth. Fuck she tastes good. She feels the groan I can't hold back as it vibrates against her skin, and she smiles. I watch her eyes slowly open and focus in on my own. I could get lost in them, happily.

"I like dancing with you, Naoms."

"I like dancing with you, too, Ems. Very much."

And dance we do, until the wee hours of the morning, never leaving each other's side. I am vaguely aware that we are being watched, the other patrons taking in the glorious spectacle that we present - two women who are so lovingly lost in each other, moving sensuously, almost sexually to the music - but I can't bring myself to care. Not when I have Emily Fitch dancing with me.

Finally, closing time arrives and we have no choice but to head home. We walk slowly through the quiet, darkened streets, holding hands and chatting quietly about nothing, letting the bobbing torch light guide our way. This night has been a gift. And we are loathe to let it end. But tomorrow will be another long day. We have to head back. And although the journey will be quicker without the need to stop so that Cook can rest, it will still take many hours. We need to go back to Gina's and try to get some sleep, but neither one of us wants to end this fairytale moment. So, as we enter the street where Gina lives we both stop walking, silently agreeing to steal just a moment or two more before we go back to the real world. We sit on a short wall under a tree, not talking, just enjoying the feel of being together. And we watch the stars until the sun begins to rise.

.

**X X X**

.

Gina's wake up call comes far too early and far too cheerfully. We have only been asleep for a couple of hours. But Gina wants to have some time with us before we go, and I cannot find it in my heart to begrudge her that. I gently wake Emily, loving how cute she is as she struggles to open her eyes. I kiss her nose and watch it scrunch up in response. I really love that. When Emily tells me that she is truly awake and promises to actually get out of bed, I pull on some clothes, scrub the sleep off my face and head down to the ground floor to help with breakfast.

I am heading up the hall when I pass a door that wasn't open yesterday. I wander in, wondering what the room is used for. And then I see it. A piano. I walk slowly towards it and run my hand reverently across the wood. It's beautiful. And it looks untouched, in perfect condition. I just stand there looking at it, mesmerized. It has been a very long time since I have seen a piano. I reach my hand out, softly touching the cool ivory of the keys. I press down middle C. Fuck me. It's in tune. I play a minor 6th chord just to check, and it is, it really is still in tune. Gina must have found someone to take care of it. I can understand the compulsion. It is beautiful. I wonder briefly if it has always been here, in this house, or if my mom found it somewhere and brought it here. But it's not long before I lose track of everything except this beautiful instrument.

After everything that has happened recently, all the chaos and strain and changes, just the thought of taking a moment to soak in the feel and sound of this piano is more than I can resist. I sit down at the bench, my hands hovering just above the keys. I'm almost afraid to go further. I spent so many hours at a piano before the Crash. It was my safe place, my outlet for all the emotions I didn't know what to do with when I was young. There is magic in the sound of a piano, in the act of making it sing.

I start playing, just random chords at first. But I realize after a moment that the chords are the intro to one of my favourite songs. I take my time, sinking slowly into the music. I add my voice, softly, singing some of my favourite lyrics of all time, lyrics from another time, from another world, but that are so appropriate for here and now.

_Last night I had the strangest dream  
>I'd ever dreamed before<br>I dreamed the world had all agreed  
>To put an end to war <em>

My fingers are fumbling a bit with the notes. It has been a long, long time since I played. But the sound echoing around the small room is touching something inside me, something deep that has been asleep in me for years, and I get a little lost in it.

_I dreamed I saw a mighty room  
>Filled with women and men<br>And the paper they were signing said  
>They'd never fight again<em>

_And when the paper was all signed  
>And a million copies made<br>They all joined hands and bowed their heads  
>And grateful pray'rs were prayed<em>

I have always loved this song – a song of peace, of an end to war – since long before the Crash. We used to sing it during protests when I was a teenager. I can remember being so proud to raise my voice along-side my mother's as we rallied for peace together. And it only resonates more now that I know exactly how awful and soul destroying war really is. I have seen so much bloodshed. I have _caused_ so much bloodshed. And the horror of it never leaves me. Every ounce of my soul wants it to stop, for the killing and dying and pain to be over. And that desire bleeds out through my voice as I sing.

_And the people in the streets below  
>Were dancing 'round and 'round<br>While swords and guns and uniforms  
>Were scattered on the ground <em>

I have lost track of playing, my hands just sitting lightly on the keys as I finish the song with just my voice, letting myself remember better times, peaceful times, and to hope, just a bit, that they might come again. But I know that it is far, far more likely that the battles will get worse before things get better. We pissed off not one, but two strong factions with the hostage rescue, and it would be crazy to believe that they won't try to retaliate in some way. It is a matter of when and how, not whether, they will hit back. Still, I take comfort in the simple words of this powerful song as I quietly, passionately sing out the last verse.

_Last night I had the strangest dream  
>I'd ever dreamed before<br>I dreamed the world had all agreed  
>To put an end to war.<em>

I sit there, just enjoying the feeling that the song has brought back to me.

"That was beautiful."

"Jesus!" I just about jump out of my skin. "You scared me to death, Emily!"

"I'm sorry. I thought you would have heard me walk in."

"How long have you been standing there?" I am strangely nervous about Emily having heard me play.

"Not long, just long enough to hear how beautifully you play. It was lovely." There is a warmth in her voice that just melts me to the core. I am instantly flustered. My heart is hammering and I can feel myself blush.

"I knew you could sing from first night I saw you. That's probably when I first started falling in love with you, if I'm honest. I knew as soon as I laid eyes on you that I was in trouble, and that was before you even opened your mouth."

I blush even harder when she mentions that night. I remember what Effy told me about me singing karaoke that night. Jesus, that feels like a lifetime ago. Emily sees my blush and walks closer, wrapping me up in a famous Fitch hug. She whispers softly in my ear, "I love you", and I know I don't have to be embarrassed any more.

"Come on, Piano Girl. Gina's waiting for us."

We head into the kitchen, and I have to smile when I see my mom standing there, flour dusted in her hair and smudged across her face, and bits of pancake batter spattered all over her hands. It is so typically Gina that my heart clenches a bit to see it again. She is a nightmare in the kitchen, my mom, but she does a pretty decent stack of pancakes.

"So you found it then?" Gina says.

At my look of confusion she continues. "The piano. It's for you, you know, Love. For whenever you can finally come home."

I am struck speechless by that. She got it for me. Gina got the piano for me. Without even knowing for sure that I would ever come here, let alone live here, she somehow managed to find it and get it moved here and get it tuned. For me. Just in case. I can't find the right words to thank her, so I just pull her into a hug and kiss her cheek, trying to hold back the happy tears that are threatening to fall. God, I love my mom.

"Thank you. God, mom! Thank you!"

"You're welcome, dear. And I'm very glad you like it. Now. Grab an apron and help me cook these pancakes. Emily, there's some homemade jam in the cold cellar if you don't mind going to get it. Just watch out you don't knock into the still as you go by it."

Of course. My mom has a still in the cold cellar. Why am I not surprised?

The three of us carry on getting breakfast ready, and then sit down to share what turns out to be a truly lovely meal. Of course I prefer pancakes with maple syrup, especially from Canada, but those days are long gone. Still, everything else is perfect, and I can't help but grin at how well Gina and Emily get along. I was pretty sure that they would like each other, but this is even better than I had hoped. I think Emily may just have found the mother-figure she needs - one who will happily accept her exactly the way she is – and I honestly could not be happier about it.

After we clean up from breakfast I give Gina a kiss and then grab the keys to the Rover that Emily and I came in. I want to head over to the rehab facility to pick up Cook. He had his first treatment session this morning, and a full assessment before that. I know he will be exhausted and sore, so I want to be the one to pick him up and bring him home. I roust Paddy out of a sound sleep so that he can come with me, and laugh when he steals a couple of pancakes to munch on during the short drive. He is so much like his brother now that it is almost eerie.

As soon as we see Cook it is obvious that he is in a lot of pain. What is less obvious, but still visible to me, is that he is scared out of his mind. I decide right then that I'm not going to leave Leeds until I get a chance to talk to him.

It isn't easy to arrange, because once we get back to Gina's Paddy pretty much refuses to leave his brother's side. I know that he is worried and frightened for his brother, but eventually I just kick him out, telling him not to come back until I say so. He is thoroughly pissed off at me, but when Cook also asks him to give us a minute, Paddy grudgingly leaves the room.

"You're scared."

"Fuck off."

"It's alright to be scared Cook. Serious shit has come down on your head, and there is a long tough road ahead."

"Well that's great, Nai. Thanks for cheering me up."

"It's okay to be scared, Cook. It's perfectly understandable. But you are going to get better."

"Yeah? And what if I don't get my arm back, eh? What then? I mean, I wouldn't change it. I'm glad I could protect Little Red. But what if the shoulder don't come around?"

I take his face in my hands, looking deep into his eyes before leaning in to give him a long, loving kiss. It is purely platonic, and he knows it. But he is my friend, my Cook, and I need him to believe what I am going to say.

"You will get through this, Cook. You are without question the strongest man I know. I believe in you. And I know that you will get through this. It is going to hurt like hell, and there are probably going to be more than a few bad days. But it will get better, and it will get easier. And if you work as hard as I know you can, I know you will get full use of your arm back. In the meantime, you have us. Gina, and Paddy are here, sure, and they would both do anything for you, you have to know that. And Effy and Emily and I, and even Katie - we're right with you, too. And I promise you, if you need me, I will come back. No matter what, I will be here for you."

I wrap him up in my arms again until he manages to compose himself. Then he pushes me away, ruffles my hair, and says, "Alright, enough of the sermon, yeah. You can fuck off and get out of here now. Just be careful, right? Take care of yourself, Nai. And take care of them, too. All of them."

"I love you, Cook."

"Yeah, yeah. Doesn't everyone?"

I nod and turn away before either one of us can break down into more tears. I have just cleared the door when I hear him speak again. It is quiet, but I know he meant for me to hear him. "I love you, too, Blondie. I love you, too."

I carry on down the stairs, trying not to fall apart. I kiss my mother good-bye and cling to her for as long as I can before I finally let go and climb into the Rover with Emily. It is too hard to look back as we leave, so I don't. I keep my eyes on the road ahead, and my hand firmly in Emily's strong grasp as I watch Leeds, and three of the people I love most in the world, disappear in the rear view mirror.

.

**X X X**

.

"**Last night I had the Strangest Dream" - written in 1950 by Ed McCurdy. I first heard it performed by Serena Ryder, a Canadian artist, and fell in love with her version, but it has been around for a long time, and it seemed to fit this chapter.**

**I hope you liked this one. It would be great if you would take the time to let me know either way. Review button is below, and I promise, it's painless! And reviewing has the added bonus of making me a very happy Crevette.**

**Fair warning – the rest of my August is just plain stupid levels of busy workwise and travel-wise, so I have no idea when I will be able to get the next chapter up. I will work on it when I can, but please be patient!**


	17. Tremors

**Okay, so that was a longer gap than I anticipated. Much, much longer. Work happened, then life happened, then work happened again. Sorry for the wait, though!**

**Quick correction – I mentioned Gina and Paddy living in Blackpool in an early chapter, but then changed it to Leeds last chapter. Oops. Sorry about that! Should stay as Leeds, I think. If I can figure out how to correct the Blackpool reference I'll make the change.**

**Before diving in, I have to send out major congrats to Miss Marauder for the great finish to Manifolds. The whole story is terrific and well worth a read. And a re-read. Go on. Go! Let your world be rocked!  
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**I also want to thank To Your Satisfaction for the shout out in her story, Wonderland. Have a look at that one, too!**

**All right. Enough from me. On with the story.**

**.**

**X X X**

**.**

**Chapter 17 -Tremors**

**Naomi**

The sunset is incredible, with vibrant reds, fuchsias, and pinks exploding from horizon to horizon and bleeding across the water of the channel. I am sitting at the middle of the Severn Bridge, leaning back onto my arms as my legs dangle freely over the edge. From my vantage point, I can honestly say that I have never seen a more beautiful view. It is just perfect here. There is almost no sound, just the gentle murmur of the breeze that ruffles my hair from time to time and the soft lapping of the waves below me. This is one of those moments when I would stop time if I could.

I have been sitting here for a while now, just thinking, about Emily, Cook, Effy. About the war, the rescue, and the chance for peace if we can just get back in the skies. About everything and nothing.

Kieran gave Emily and me a couple of days off to relax once we got back to the base – a just reward for the work we have done recently – but I have really struggled trying to let it all go. The change of pace is just really hard for me to adjust to. I have been frightened, in danger, sad, worried or all of the above for so long that I could not settle into just being. Emily has been great about it, but I could tell that I was starting to get on even her very patient nerves this morning. So, after lunch I decided to take a walk to burn off some steam, and to try to think things through.

I was beyond restless when we got back from dropping Cook at Mom's place. Leaving him behind, with all the uncertainty he still faces, was so difficult. I am worried about him. And I miss him, too. He has been my rock for such a long time that it is really odd not to see him or talk to him. Still, I know he is in good hands. Gina will make sure he gets the best care available even if she has to threaten to rip off someone's bollocks to get it done. I am a bit surprised how much I miss her, too. I had almost become used to her absence. But seeing her again, being wrapped up in the warm security blanket that is my mom only to have to leave it behind… Well, her absence stings again, like a fresh cut.

The past days and weeks have been action packed, and brought so much change. We have been through so much in such a short time, what with Emily's arm injury, our fights, the ridge – fuck, I mean that was enough by itself – the rescue mission, Cook and Emily being wounded, and the trip to Leeds. It goes on and on.

There is so much that I still have to cope with. I am afraid for Cook, afraid that his shoulder won't fully recover. I am worried for Effy, for how tied up in each of us she is, and for how fragile she can be emotionally. I am concerned about how things will go between her and Katie now that Cook is out of the picture, and about how Effy will react if Katie doesn't ever share her feelings. I am troubled by the sadness that I see in Emily's eyes whenever she thinks of her parents and her brother. And I am tired, so bloody god damned tired of the never-ending battles and skirmishes that make up this war.

When I think about all that I have been through, all that _we_ have been through, so quickly, it's hard to believe. I mean, just a few short weeks ago I did not even know that Emily existed. And now… Well, now my whole existence is irretrievably wrapped up in hers. And so, even though my mind has been all over the place, wading through so many doubts and fears, right now, right this minute, I feel at ease. I know that it is because of Emily. She and I have managed to build this connection, this relationship that is as important to me now as the air that I breathe. And we have done it in the midst of all the chaos. It just seems so impossible, and yet, it is true.

I find myself lost in the thought of her all the time. I wake up thinking about her, and go to sleep dreaming about her, of the feel of her - her lips brushing the soft skin under my ear, her fingertips sliding across my stomach, her legs wrapped tightly around my hips. The flash of her eyes or the rasp of her voice can capture me like nothing else I have known. And it's not just about sex either. Yes, I want her. I'd have to be dead not to want her. But it's more than that. I just want to be with her, to feel her touch, the warmth of her skin, to talk with her, and daydream with her, just to be near her. I am drawn to her all the time. I cannot be in the same room with her without wanting to be by her side. Waking up tangled up in her, our arms and legs interwoven, is my favourite thing. I cannot get close enough.

What is more surprising is that I am okay with that. I have realized as I sit here on this bridge, in the middle of the Channel with the desolate remains of Bristol spread out before me, that I do not want to be a loner any more. I do not want to be alone. I do not want "space." Naomi Campbell, the one-woman island, has changed. I want connection, comfort, affection, love. I want Emily. I mean I _really_ want Emily, with no reservations or concerns, no ifs or buts. And as soon as I acknowledged that, the very moment I really took that in and accepted it, I felt free. As free as the birds that have been circling this bridge hoping that I will drop a breadcrumb or two. Emily Fitch has set me free by tying me to her more tightly than I have ever been bound before. How weird is that. Howfucking_ awesome_ is that.

I hunch further into my jacket, a smile breaking across my face as I flick my collar up against the wind that is getting colder with each day that passes. I should get back soon. I have been out here for hours, and I don't want Emily to worry. I find myself grinning at thoughts of the many ways she might help warm me up, and that is enough to get me on my feet and moving. There is just enough light for me to traverse the battered bridge, avoiding the gaps where the pavement has been worn or blasted away. It is almost full dark when I reach the shore, but I have travelled this route often enough that I can make my way fairly well. As the darkness slowly envelops me, the sound of my boot heels, with their measured steps, sets the cadence to carry me back to her, to Emily, to my heart's home.

**.**

**X X X **

**.**

**Emily**

Is there anything on earth better than snuggling up under a thick blanket on a cold day with a good book? Thanks to Kieran and the days off he gave us that's exactly what I'm doing. Thanks to Naomi taking her fidgeting self somewhere else, I've actually been able to enjoy it. I've been tucked on a couch in the Common room long enough to almost finish my book, my feet curled under my bum, and, thanks to Effy, a hot cup of tea warming my hands. She's been very domestic today, shuttling back and forth to the mess to grab food and drink for Katie, with me as an incidental beneficiary. Effy's just a little too polite to bring tea for Katie without also bringing a cup for me. And I'm certainly not going to refuse her kindness when it allows me to stay in my comfy little cocoon.

Katie's actually surprising me today. First, she's been sitting quietly on the couch opposite me for over an hour, which has to be a new record. Other than "yes, please" when Effy asked her about tea and biscuits, Katie hasn't said a word. She's working on a decryption and it has her complete attention. The other surprise is that she hasn't bitten Effy's head off for interrupting her. Instead, she actually smiled at her in appreciation. And she said "thank you." I mean, it's just weird. Of course, so is Effy playing maidservant. I wonder if it's a full moon or something.

I place my bookmark in the book, as we start to getting ready to head to the mess. Another rousing bowl of root vegetable soup, oh yay. I swear, if I have to eat another bloody parsnip I'll gag. Still, at least we have vegetables. I've gone some pretty long stretches without them since the Crash.

I see JJ and Thomas walk in. 1800 hours. They're right on time to join us for tea. JJ still looks so sad. He's just lost without Cook. I don't think they spent much time apart over the years. We've been trying to cheer him up, but he just withdraws even more when we do. At least Thomas is keeping an eye on him. He is such a calm, solid bloke that I'm hoping that will help JJ relax a wee bit.

Just as Katie starts collecting her papers so that we can head to the mess, I see Naomi walk in through the other door. Her face lights up when she sees me, and I can't help but smile back in return. She's so fucking beautiful. I swing my feet around so she can sit beside me, and turn my head towards her for a kiss. God, she has the greatest lips!

"Hey, you. Nice walk?" I ask, returning her smile.

"Mmmm. It was. Have you been reading the whole time I was gone?"

"Yup. It was glorious."

"You didn't even miss me did you?" I know Naomi isn't serious by the glint in her eyes, so I decide to tease her a bit.

"Not at all. Well, maybe a little - there was a moment when I got an itch on my back that I couldn't reach by myself, but other than that…" I start to giggle before I can finish my sentence and Naomi gives me a playful shove, followed by an impossibly cute kiss on the nose. That's becoming her thing, and I'm starting to really like it. As she sits back onto her spot on the couch I see her hesitate.

"Hey, who's that?" A tall, blond uniformed sergeant has just walked into the room and I don't recognize her face. Of course, people transfer in and out of here pretty regularly, so that isn't really a great surprise.

"Ms. Campbell?"

Naomi stands as she answers, "That's me."

"Ah, good. Commander MacFoeinaiugh would like to speak with you, and with Mr. Jones. If you would be so kind as to accompany me, I'll take you to him."

"What's this about?"

"I'm sorry, Ms. Campbell, I don't know. I was just asked to bring you to him."

"Alright." Her blue eyes swing back to me as she says, "Sorry, Ems. I guess we'll have to take a rain check on tea. You guys go ahead and start without us, alright?"

I nod my acceptance and Naomi turns to JJ to let him know that they've been summoned. I try not to worry about what's going on, but the last time Naomi got called to see Kieran we ended up with the rescue mission on our plates.

Nothing I can do about it now, though, so I gather the rest of our little group and shepherd them off to the mess. I know that Naomi will fill me in latter, so there's no point getting my knickers in a twist just yet. I've moved on to wondering if there will be fresh baked rolls with dinner before we even clear the room.

.

**X X X**

.

**Naomi **

JJ and I are escorted to the same boardroom where we held the rescue briefing when the mission was pushed up, which does nothing to calm my nerves. Kieran is there, along with a half a dozen or so officers of various ranks and a few civilians like us. A few more people enter just after us, and that seems to be last of those expected as Kieran tells us all to quiet down and grab a seat as soon as they cross the threshold.

"This won't take long. It's an introductory meeting only. To cut to the chase, each of you is now a member of a new task force." His distaste for that phrase is obvious by the way he says it.

"You will liaise with other teams and departments, each of which will be at your disposal to provide you information, equipment and extra hands, if and as required. The purpose of this task force is to investigate and respond to a "current and developing threat."

I can almost feel him struggling not to do the little finger quotes as he speaks.

"Alright, that's enough with the 'officer speak' bull shit. The facts are that we pissed off the assholes who kidnapped Michael Keith, and we pissed off the other assholes who wanted to steal him even more. Our people are picking up chatter. It looks like one or both of these shit-headed, small-dicked, cluster-fuck groups has decided to make their unhappiness known. Everything we're picking up suggests that they're planning an attack. We don't know where they're going to hit, or when, or how. But everything we've got says they're coming and they're not fucking around."

He pauses then, to let his words sink in before continuing. Every eye in the place is locked onto him.

"You lot are going to track them. I want you to find these fuckers and do it fast. And in the meantime, you're going to do a risk assessment and inventory of every base and holding in this sector. You will find our weaknesses and you will _fix_ them. Assume guerrilla "hit for impact and run" tactics will be used. JJ, I want you working with Decryption and Strategic Analysis. Find them. Figure out what they're planning. And shut them the fuck down. Naomi, you're in charge of the risk inventory. The rest of you, you'll find your assignments at the front of the folders in front of you. Some of you will report to Naomi and some to JJ. Both of you can add anyone else you see fit from your regular team as well. Just clear it through me first. That's all. Read the briefing notes tonight. You meet tomorrow, 0800 hours. Now fuck off and get busy."

You could have heard a pin drop when Kieran stopped talking. No one moved. I don't think anyone even breathed.

"I said FUCK OFF. Now get out of here!"

With that we all start collecting our paperwork. I hear JJ muttering as he writes in his notebook. "0800 hours, October 28, task force meeting."

Wait. What?

"What did you say?" I must have heard wrong…

"JJ! What did you just say?" I startle him when I grab his arm, but I have to know if I heard him right. He just looks at me in confusion, so I try again.

"Did you say tomorrow is October 28, JJ? JJ, _what did you say_?"

"Yes, Naomi. Tomorrow is October 28. Oh. Oh dear. That means today is October 27. Oh my giddy giddy Aunt."

Oh my god. Oh my god, I forgot.

I can tell that JJ is still talking to me, trying to calm me down in his own awkward way while having his own small meltdown. But, I can't hear him over the buzzing that is raging through my brain. I forgot. I fucking forgot.

I tear out of the room, crashing off the wall as I misjudge the corner. I can hear Kieran calling me, but I don't stop. I don't even slow down. I cannot believe this is happening. I cannot believe I could forget this day.

I am almost out of the building when I hear Emily shout my name as she walks out of the mess. Jesus Fucking Christ, can't I catch even one break? I stop, just enough in control to know I should not ignore her when she sounds so worried. But I really need to get out of here.

"Naomi, what's wrong?" Her voice drips concern and her eyes radiate love. Those are the very last things I need right now.

"I'm fine. I just need some fresh air."

"Nai, you're obviously not fine. You look like you've seen a ghost."

Not quite, but close. "I'm fine, Emily. I just need to get out of here for a bit, yeah."

"Okay, well, I'll keep you company, alright?" She reaches out and lays her hand against my arm and that is it, that is what sets me off. I do not deserve her comfort or her concern.

"Don't touch me! I don't need your pity right now. Just… Look, just leave me the fuck alone, can't you?"

With that, I slam through the door and leave Emily's devastated face framed in the doorway behind me.

.

**X X X**

.

**Emily**

"Emily, did you see -"

"Yes, JJ, I saw her. What the fuck happened? She just… Jesus, I don't…" I can feel the tears coming and I don't want to cry. Not here, not in the middle of the hallway with a fucking audience.

"JJ, what the fuck happened in that meeting?"

"I'm sorry, Emily. I should have realized. The odds of me forgetting something like a date, something that is after all numerically based, is astronomical. I am extremely proficient at recalling such things, and in fact am considered somewhat of a savant where dates are concerned. But in my defence things have been irregular lately and my routine has been disrupted…"

"JJ. Locked on. Please! Just tell me what happened in the meeting."

He takes a deep, settling breath, his hands clutched tight in front of his chest and then answers, "Today is October 27th."

"Okay. And?"

"And…. And…. And October 27th was Jamie's birthday."

Oh, sweet mother of fuck.

.

**X X X**

.

**Naomi**

I wish I had a bottle of vodka with me. I should have grabbed one before I left the base. Or maybe not. My old crutch never helped me much before. But god, I would really love to feel that burn right now, to dive in and hide from myself for just a while.

I am walking along the Severn beach, the silhouette of the bridge casting odd shapes in the moonlight. The difference in perspective from my earlier perch is stark. The shadowed and debris-strewn shore echoes the darkness of my thoughts. I am surrounded by the abandoned corpses of cars and boats, dodging fallen trees, abandoned fishing nets, and myriad of other jetsam that has picked this scrap of sand for its final resting place as I walk.

Final resting place. That is almost funny. Fucking ironic even. Jamie's body was never recovered so there is no final resting place for her. At least none that I know of. I have no grave to go to, no one place where I can go to mourn. But this will do. Here among the damaged and broken wreckage of Bristol's past, maybe I can try to make sense of the shattered fragments of my own.

I fucked up with Emily. I know that. She walked right into a wall of my guilt and anger, and I unloaded it all on her without a moment's thought, without even the smallest hesitation. I know the look of hurt that crossed her face will haunt me. But I can't think about that now. I have other ghosts to face.

I forgot her. I forgot Jamie. It's her birthday and she never crossed my mind. Not once. I cannot imagine how that is even possible. How could I go from her never being out of my thoughts to this? What kind of a person does that? What kind of a person forgets a wife like that just 6 months after she is killed? What kind of a fucked up human being is capable of that?

"Jesus, I am so sorry. So very sorry, Jamie. Please don't think it means I did not love you. I did. So much. I still do. It's just that so much has changed so fast. And there is so much going on now that grabbed my attention. With Cook, and Emily… And maybe… maybe it is just a bit that it felt good to be happy, to be content, just for a moment. To _have _just a moment to breathe. Fuck, Jamie, it has been so fucking long since I felt happy!"

I am almost startled by the sound of my whispered voice as I speak once again to the woman who held my heart for so long. My voice is hoarse and my words barely register in the stillness. I spark up another cigarette from the butt of the one before. My hands are shaking so much that I can hardly manage. But I need it. I drag deep, desperate for whatever calm I can find in the sweet smoke, and jam my free hand down deep in my pocket. It is cold tonight, but I deserve that. I deserve to be uncomfortable.

I kick a rusted tin can ahead of me as I pace, watching it careen off the broken skeleton of an old skiff before falling into the channel and disappearing under the black water. The image strikes me to stillness, the gently moving water soothing me as it so often has. As I stand facing the Channel, I hang my head, taking in a deep breath to try to slow my racing heart and mind. My eyes close, almost of their own volition, blocking out the world.

"I hope you can forgive me Jamie. Dear god I really hope you can. I think you would. You always were good like that. I know I can't make up for not thinking about you today, or for forgetting your birthday. I am so very sorry for that. But I promise, Jamie, I will try so hard not to forget you again. I will try to remember you every day. I am so very, very sorry."

I sit down on the damp sand, and let the night cover me. Tonight I want the darkness. I let it settle upon me, sheltering me from view while I try to find a way to forgive myself for fucking up so badly yet again.

.

**X X X**

.

The moon has set by the time I finally make my way back to the base. I am spent. Crippled with a sadness that I cannot shake. I need Emily. I need to apologize, and then I need to feel her arms around me. I am not blind to the irony of needing Emily's comfort to help me get past having failed Jamie. But it is the simple truth.

I am crossing through the mess when I hear the clack of fast moving heels and the ever-dulcet tones of Katie Fitch.

"Hey! You bitch! Who the fuck do you think you are?"

I start to turn towards her, realizing that I am not going to escape talking to her, when I feel a solid shove to my shoulder. I lose my balance for just a moment, and lose the last scraps of my temper at the same time.

"Fuck off, Katie," I snarl.

"You fuck off! Who the fuck do you think you are making Emily cry?"

Oh fucking hell.

"Yeah, that's right. You made her cry. Congratulations, Campbell. Nice one."

"Stop it, Katie. You're not helping." I am so glad when Effy joins us, putting a gentle, restraining hand on Katie as she does.

"Where is she Effy?" There is only one thing on my mind now and it is finding Emily. I have to apologize. And I have to explain. Again.

"No fucking way, Bitch. You're not going anywhere near her. You've done enough damage for one night."

"Katie, just back off, okay? This doesn't involve you."

I realize that was the wrong thing to say when I see the fury spark in Katie's eyes. I am saved from her response by a huge crash that vibrates the floor beneath us. What the fuck? We have all frozen in place, eyes scanning wildly trying to find the source of the tremors.

Suddenly, there are explosions and crashes all around us. Fucking hell, we are under attack.

"In-coming! Take cover!"

Just as I shout the warning I see the ceiling above us start to collapse. I take a diving run at Katie, forcing her out of the way of a huge slab of concrete that comes crashing down where she had been standing. I can't see Effy any more, the dust is too thick. And I can't hear anything at all, my ears ringing from the noise and the force of the blast. I crawl to Katie to ask if she is okay. Her eyes are wild, on the edge of panic, but she seems to be in one piece.

"We have to get out of here. The whole place is going to come down on top of us."

I realize that Katie can't hear me, so I just grab her hand and start picking my way to where I think the Effy might be. For once in her life she doesn't argue with me.

"There! I think I can see her. Over there. Come on, Katie, we have to - "

My words are stopped by a high-pitched shriek that breaks through over the ringing in my ears. It is approaching fast. I know from experience that it's a heavy mortar shell. And I also know that we're completely and utterly fucked.

.

**X X X**

.

**Don't hate me. *ducks and covers* **


	18. Chapter 18

**Many thanks to all those who reviewed. Totally makes my day to read them. And to those of you still finding this story and alerting and favouriting, thank you. too!**

**Chapter 18 – And the walls came tumbling down**

**Emily**

I shake my head like a dog, trying to clear the haze out of my eyes and the ringing in my ears. I'm on my knees, with my weight resting on my elbows and my hands covering my head. Fucking hell. I'm covered in the dust and bits of plaster that are still swirling around me, and I can already feel the sting of a whole host of small cuts and bruises on my arms and face.

There were explosions, several, and then the whole world seemed to blow up around me. As the air starts to clear I can see light from across the room. It's moonlight, and it's coming from where I shouldn't be able to see it. Jesus. The wall to my room has been blown wide open.

As soon I figure that out I know two things: something really bad has happened, and I have to get the hell out of here. Fast. I start scrabbling towards the opening. As I crawl I brush past a sweatshirt and grab it as I go by, pulling it over my top. It's torn, but it will do to help fight the cold. I'm thankful I hadn't yet changed out of my combat pants and boots.

My progress is slow despite my urge to move quickly. I have to move carefully in the dimness so I don't cut myself on the broken bits of cinder block, glass and wood that seem to be everywhere.

What in the ever-loving fuck just happened?

**X X X **

**.**

**Naomi**

Shitting hell. Holy fuck it hurts. As I claw my way back to consciousness I slowly realize that I am flat on my back, and covered in debris. It feels like I've got a truck lying across my legs. The building must have completely collapsed.

I can't see a thing in the darkness. My throat is dry and gritty from the dust and I can't stop myself from coughing when I try to call out for Effy and Katie. Pain tears through my leg when I do. I can feel the scream ripping from my throat just before I pass out again.

**X X X**

.

**Emily**

My hearing starts to clear up just as I manage to pull myself out of my room and onto the walkway that circles the barracks. It looks like the whole Mess wing of the barracks building has come down. I can hear screams all around me so I start to move, stopping to help the wounded as I find them, and way too often stopping to say a few words over someone who is well beyond help. We've been hit hard, and if the barrage of sound I'm still hearing means anything, it's not over yet.

There are gunshots and RPGs and mortars exploding all around us. I see a group of soldiers rallying troops to mount a counterattack. I consider joining in, but the injured need my help right now. I'm no Effy, but I can put pressure on a wound and murmur comforting platitudes as well as anyone. I want to find the rest of my team, especially Katie and Naomi, but right now, my place is here, pitching in the best I can.

A sergeant runs by carrying a variety of weapons, and ask him to leave a pistol with me just in case. Mine is lost, buried somewhere in the ruins of my room. He does, and I feel a little safer knowing that I can defend myself if the attackers have made it into the compound. I don't think they have. They seem to be hitting us from a distance. But I still feel better once the gun is in my hand. I tuck it into the cargo pocket on my pants and start moving towards the next body I see sprawled across the ground.

**X X X**

**.**

**Naomi**

I groan as I awake again, my fists clenching hard where they lie at my sides. I try to push against the thing that is pressing down on me, but it doesn't budge. All I accomplish is to cause the knife like pain to stab through my leg again. I grit my teeth, and focus hard on not blacking out.

"Effy! Effy, she's awake! What do I do? Oh my god, what do I do?"

"Okay, Katie. Calm down. Just talk to here. Talk to her, let her know you're there and try to keep her still."

"Right. Sure. Calm. Okay."

I hear shuffling somewhere to my right, and then feel someone - Katie, I assume - touch my shoulder.

"Naomi, it's me. It's Katie. Um. You're going to be alright, yeah? Things are well fucked at the moment, but you'll be alright. Just don't move, okay? It's really important that you don't move."

Yeah. I got that, thanks.

"Katie…" My voice is barely there. I can't seem to get enough air to speak up, but she heard me.

"Yeah, Naomi. I'm right here."

I feel her take hold of my hand. She feels warm. It's nice.

"Are you… okay? Not hurt? Effy…?"

"I'm fine. I don't know how, but I am. A couple of little cuts, but nothing bad. Effy's here. Well, not here exactly. But not far. There's a big pile of stone and shit between us, so she can't get over here. But she is close enough to talk to, so…"

"She… okay?"

"Yeah. At least, I think so. She didn't say she wasn't…"

"Ask… her." God, it's hard to catch my breath. Hard to talk.

"Right. Yeah. Right." My eyes have adjusted enough to be able to see movement as Katie looks towards a small gap at the top of the rubble pile that surrounds us before raising her voice to call out to.

"Effy, are you okay? Did you get hurt?"

I hear Effy answer. From the sound of it she is only a few feet away in terms of distance, but with the mass of debris between us she might as well be a mile.

"I'm alright. I took a hit to the head, and I'm going to have a hell of a bruise on one hip, but other than that, I'm fine."

"She's fine, Naomi. Just a bump to the head."

"Katie," I hear Effy call, "Can you get close enough to touch Naomi?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm right beside her now.

"Okay. I need you to examine her, and tell me what you find. Tell me what you see and feel, okay?"

I sense Katie inching even closer, and then feel her hands start to move around my head.

"Ow! Fuck." She has touched a cut on my forehead, and it sends a blast of pain behind my eyes.

"Jesus! I'm well sorry, Naomi!" She shifts back away from me, clasping her two hands in front of her in distress. "Effy, I can't do this. I'll just hurt her. I can't…"

"Katie. You have no choice. There's no one else here to help her. It has to be you. I'll talk you through it, but you _have_ to be my eyes and hands. I need you, Katie. Naomi needs you."

There is no response. I can hear Katie sniffling. I can understand why she is freaking out. We are buried under who knows how much wreckage, and she is the only one among us who is not injured in some way. And now, she is being asked to play nurse for me in the dark. I hear her sleeve rustle as she tries to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"Katie." Effy's voice is soft, soothing. She's kicked into medic mode - calm, patient, supportive.

"Katie, I need you to do this for me. You can do it. I know you can. You just have to try. Please, Katie. Please try for me."

Again, there is no response to Effy's words, but this time I feel Katie's hands start to move across me once more, this time more gently. As she does, she accidentally cops a feel. I want to try to help her relax a bit, so I take what little breath I have and whisper, "Really, Katie? Didn't know … you were… into boobs."

"Fuck off, you tit." The snarl in her voice is the first sign I have heard that Katie might be pulling herself together.

Her hands move down my right side, past my hip towards my thigh, when I'm hit by a jolt of pain as I hear her gasp. My teeth clamp down on my lower lip as I try to keep from crying out.

"Oh my god." The fear in Katie's voice isn't helping me feel better, that's for sure. I knew it was bad from the feel of it, but now I am starting to get scared.

"What Katie? What did you find? Katie, talk to me! Tell me what you see!"

"I can't really see it, Eff. But I can feel it. To start, it feels like there is a pillar or something across her legs. I don't think its full weight is on her, but when I felt around her thigh to be sure, it's wet. Really wet. And it's sticky, Effy. It's blood, I think. A lot of it. And there's a pole… a metal thing… fuck, what do you call that?"

"Rebar?"

"Yes. Rebar. That's it. There's a rebar that's…. fucking hell, Eff, it's stuck right through her leg, on the right side, about half way above her knee. It's got her right skewered, Eff."

Well that's just fucking great. How the hell are they going to get me out of here now?

**X X X**

.

**Emily**

The only good part about us still taking fire is that the flashes are at least giving me some light to work by. In the darkness between explosions I actually tripped across the guy I'm currently trying to haul behind a sandbag wall. It's not a good sign that he didn't react to that, but I found a faint heart beat and I'll be fucked if I just let him die. He's at least twice my size, though, so it's wrecking me to try to move him. The sweat is streaming into my eyes and blinding me and my arms feel like they could fall right off.

"Let me help. Bonkers, he's a big one!"

Thank fucking god. "Panda, I am so glad to see you. Can you grab his legs? I want to get him behind those sandbags."

"Well, sure, Emily. Easy peazy."

She leans down to pick up his legs and… nothing. She can't lift him. Fucking hell.

"That's okay, Panda. Just come over here and grab an arm. Between the two of us we should be able to drag him even if we can't lift him."

She does as I ask, and with much grunting (Panda) and swearing (me) and even more sweat pouring into my eyes, we manage to get the soldier into some semblance of safety. At least, it's the most safety I can offer him in the middle of this bloody barrage. I do a quick assessment and can't find any sign of injury. That's not good either. He must have taken some kind of concussion or blow to the head. That's way outside my scope of knowledge, so I just try to make him comfortable and then grab Panda and start searching for more wounded. As we take cover behind some of the wreckage, I ask her if she knows where everyone else is. And that's when time stops.

"I haven't seen them, Ems. But I know Katie and Effy were planning to wait for Naomi in the Mess. Well, Katie was. Effy just stayed to make sure Katie wouldn't try to kill Naomi. Or vice versa. Not like they would, but you know how they get. Like two rams butting heads. Or is it llamas who do that? I can never remember…"

Panda's still talking, but I can't hear what she's saying. That's because I'm staring right at the place where the Mess used to be and all I can see is a huge mound of broken stone, metal and tangled wire. The Mess is destroyed. Completely destroyed. There's no way… no one could survive…

I'm running before I can finish that thought, screaming Katie's name as I go.

**X X X**

**.**

**Naomi**

It has been quiet for too long. I guess Effy is trying to figure out what to do. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to stay conscious. My head is pounding and I can't seem to find the strength to move or to speak. Finally, Effy breaks the silence.

"Okay, Katie. Good job. Now I need you tell me if you think you can move the pillar at all. You have to be sure, because if you try and you can't, you could hurt her more."

"No way. No. You don't understand, Effy. It's fucking huge. There's no way."

"Okay, okay. Breathe, Katie. Just take a second and breathe for me. I need you to keep it together."

Katie is muttering beside me, but I can't make out what she is saying. From the tone, I'd say she's trying to give herself a pep talk, but I could be wrong.

"Katie? Are you still with me?"

"Yeah, Effy. I'm here."

"Good, Katie. That's good. Are you wearing anything that you can tear off and fold into a compress?"

"Um. Would the sleeve on my top work?"

I can almost feel Effy trying to remember what Katie is wearing in the seconds that follow.

"Yes! Yes, it's that little tiger striped number, right? Yes, that will do. Tear off one of the sleeves and fold it into a thin strip like a belt. Let me know when you are finished."

Once again, there is silence, except for the soft sounds of Katie maneuvering to work on the sleeve.

"Can't believe I'm going to ruin this top for Naomi fucking Campbell. It's vintage! And it's not like I can fucking replace it now, is it?"

That extra little kick from being pissed off, or at least pretending to be, seems to be all Katie needs to finally get the sleeve to tear off. A few seconds later she speaks loudly enough for Effy to hear.

"It's ready."

"Okay. Without moving the rebar or her leg, try to wrap it around her thigh about 5-10 cm above the puncture. You are going to use it as a tourniquet.

"Better fucking well appreciate this, Bitch."

I take those words for what they are: Katie's way of expressing her fear and her concern. She may not like me, but I know she loves her sister, and for that reason, she will do whatever she needs to do to keep me alive even if she is still angry at me.

That is of small comfort when I feel her shift my leg just slightly to pull the fabric under it. The pain is instant and blinding, every cell in my body rebelling against it. I try to reach to make Katie stop but my whole body seizes before I can get to her and everything goes black.

**X X X**

**.**

**Emily**

"Let me go, JJ! I swear to fucking God if you don't let me go I'll…" My arms and legs are flailing against him as hard as I can as he holds me back from climbing the broken pile that was once the Mess.

"Stop it! Stop it, Emily. You need to calm down. If you start barging in there, stomping and tossing things around willy-nilly you could cause a further collapse. You could make it worse, Emily, so you have to stop!"

I'm sobbing into his chest, still struggling to break free. "She's in there, JJ. Katie's in there, with Effy. I have to… They're alive in there JJ, and I am going to get them out, with or without you. So either help me or get the fuck out of my way."

"We don't know for sure that they're in there. We don't know whether they got out before it came down. But even if they are in there, there is a high percentage chance that you will make their situation worse if you go after them without planning how. Statistical probability is that if they are alive they are in a void. And you barging in could cave in that void, Emily. Is that what you want?"

"No! Of course not! I just… I have to do _something, _JJ!"

"I know. And we will. But we have to think first. We have to plan."

"Okay. Okay. I get that. I just… Jesus. I need Naomi. Have you seen her, JJ? Is she alright?"

I watch him look down at his feet, and I know it's bad.

"JJ. Where is she? Where's Naomi?"

He takes a deep breath and lifts his eyes back to mine. "I don't know for sure, Emily. No one I've talked to has seen her since before the attack began. But…"

Oh no. I just barely manage to squeak out, "But what, JJ?"

"The guard on duty at the gate said he saw her heading towards the Mess about 5 minutes before the first explosion. I think… Emily, I think Naomi is in there, too."

**X X X**

.

**Naomi**

"…it's not stopping, Effy."

I feel the blood rushing to my head as I claw my way back to consciousness, Katie's words reverberating in my ears.

"It's okay, Katie. It hasn't been that long yet. Just keep the tourniquet tight and don't let her move."

Katie tightens the folded fabric a little harder against my leg and that's it. I'm gone again.

**X X X**

.

**Emily**

Naomi's in there, too. Katie and Naomi. And Effy. I can't… Oh my god. I'm torn between collapsing into JJ's chest and running onto the pile to tear at it with my bare hands. But I know neither option will help. I have to keep it together. I have to.

I feel JJ's arms loosen from the hold they have had around me as I stop struggling against him.

"What can we do, JJ."

"We need equipment. Jacks and hoists and levers. Ladders. Um, probably a crane, an excavator or backhoe if we can get one."

JJ is starting to pace as he works out his list. I am so focused on him that I don't notice that Thomas and Kieran have just arrived.

"Emily. Is it true? Is Naomi in the mess?"

I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself before I look up at Kieran, and move closer so I can rest my hand on his arm to try to soften the blow I am about to deliver.

"We think so, Commander. And we think at least Effy Stonem and my sister, Katie Fitch are in there, too."

I watch his eyes dart to what remains of the devastated structure as the colour drains from his face.

"Oh, Naomi. Not my little girl. Not like this."

For just that moment, every inch of him is a dad, and the Commander is nowhere in sight.

He pauses for what seems like hours, but was probably only seconds, and then he visibly hauls himself together, wiping tears from his eyes before once again taking charge. It is a remarkable sight to see, a remarkable demonstration of willpower and sheer bloody determination.

"Alright. I'll be fucked if those bastards are going to take another life, especially one of those. Thomas, take Emily here and get yourselves to the base emergency ops station. Grab every support balloon, hammer drill, jack and cutter you can find, along with respirators, med kits and anything else you think might be useful."

He turns to JJ, his intensity growing with every word. "JJ, get the barracks generators disengaged and shut off all water lines into the barracks. Then go get your toys. I want every listening device and search camera you've got. You're going to find where they are in that god forsaken pile, and then you're going to figure out a way for us to get to them. And Panda, you go find me an engineer who can assess the stability of this fucking thing. Now go, all of you. Go!"

Five seconds later we're all on the move, while Kieran stands alone, his eyes haunted by fear and impotent fury as he looks at the ruins before him.

**X X X**

**.**

**Naomi**

I feel more than hear the faint groan that moves through me. I force myself awake. I don't know how long I was out, but it's been long enough that Katie is no longer pulling against my thigh. The tourniquet is loosened and the worst of the pain it caused is gone. Thank fucking god for that.

"Hey, there. That's it. Come on back, Naomi. Come on, wake up."

"Fuck off… Katie."

"Fuck you right back, you twat. I just saved your life. You could be a little grateful, yeah?"

"Not… saved... yet."

"Yeah, well. I did my bit. Bleeding's stopped. All you have to do is lay there, not move and not die, alright?"

"Right. That'll be… easy."

Fuck it hurts when I talk. Broken ribs, maybe? Hard to breathe.

"How long?" I have no idea how long I was out.

"Wha'?"

"How long… since… the collapse?" I have to gasp for air between almost every word and it's driving me fucking crazy.

"I'm not sure. My sense of time is kind of fucked right now."

"Any sign… of rescue?"

There is a long silence then before Katie answers me. And when she does her voice is small, like she doesn't want to admit it out loud.

"No. Not yet."

I take a minute to digest that and mull over our position. That isn't easy as my head is still cloudy and it's hard to think. From what I can tell, this whole wing has collapsed. If that is true, it is going to take some serious skill for anyone to dig down to where we are without killing us by accident. If they can clear a path, Katie and Effy can probably climb out with a little help. But I am completely pinned by the rebar through my leg. They'll have to cut me free of that before I can be moved, which means I'm not going anywhere soon. And it seems more and more likely that I might not get out of here at all.

"Katie."

"I'm here."

"I need you… to tell Emily… that I'm sorry."

"No. No fucking way. I'll have none of that bullshit from you. Absolutely not!"

"Katie…"

"No, Naomi. You can bloody well tell her yourself. You fucked things up, so _you_ can tell her you're sorry. I'm not doing it for you."

"If I can… I will. But I might not… get the chance."

"That's fucking bollocks. So that's it, yeah? You're going to just give up? Just like that? I thought you were stronger than that, Campbell. Fuck's sake. What a waste of space you turned out to be. Fucking disappointment, you are. I thought you loved Emily?"

"I do!" I use every ounce of force I have to affirm how much, and the effort leaves me panting.

It must have made an impression, though, because Katie's voice is kinder, almost gentle, when she answers.

"Then you need to keep fighting. You need to stay alive until they get us out of here so you can tell her yourself. You know she'll forgive you. She'd forgive you almost anything, the daft twat. But I don't think she'd forgive you if you give up. Jesus, Campbell. If you don't come through this I'm not sure she'll survive it."

Katie is getting more and more distraught as she speaks, thoughts of her sister finally bringing home to her just how fucked up and dangerous our situation really is.

"You have to live, Naomi. You have to. Please. For Emily."

The tears are streaming down my face as I listen to Katie's voice coming out of the darkness and I think about her words, about Emily, and about how very much I want to see and hold her again. I am so tired and cold. And I hurt so fucking much. But Katie is right. I have to hold on, at least for a little while longer.

"Okay… Okay, Katie… I'll try."

**X X X**

.

**Emily**

We're back, finally. Tracking down a truck and then making our way to the emergency ops station to load it took way longer than expected. The shelling has stopped, so our troops must have finally managed to chase off the fucking asshole insurgents, but the whole base is still in chaos making it almost impossible to get around. Fires are burning everywhere, and the air is filled with the cries of the wounded and the acrid smells of gunpowder, hot metal and melted plastics.

Thomas carefully steers the truck through the wreckage to the fallen Mess. I hop out of the cab before it even stops moving and have the loading doors opened before Thomas can so much as unbuckle his seat belt. I start hauling the gear towards the Mess, arranging it as best I can about 20 metres from the edge of the debris pile. A handful of generator-powered lights have been set up around it while we were gone, and there are trucks lined up in the gaps with their headlights helping to illuminate the area.

Kieran is talking to JJ when I get there. JJ's holding an umbrella shaped thing in his hands, which is connected to a set of head phones that are hanging around his neck. It's some kind of listening device, I think.

"You ready to start, JJ?"

"Yes, sir. The sappers have reviewed the floor plans, so we can focus first on the areas where there is a greater statistical and experiential likelihood that a void could have formed. I am going to follow a circular search pattern of those points to start, listening at each stopping point for any indication of survivors. If that doesn't work, I'll switch to a grid search pattern. In the meantime, the sappers are going to start to stabilize the pile so we can go in as soon as possible once we find them.

"Right. Get started then."

"What can I do?" I ask as JJ moves off.

"All you can do right now is watch and wait, Emily. And pray if you're so inclined. Watch and wait, just like me."

**X X X**

**.**

**Naomi**

"I know… I'm an idiot… in case you wondered."

"What? I don't know what you mean, Naomi."

We have been sitting quietly for a while now. Well, Katie is sitting, I am still flat on my back. Katie and Effy were talking earlier for a bit, but that dwindled out. Small talk is hard to keep up in these kinds of circumstances.

"For yelling at her… at Emily."

"Oh, yeah. Well, you are an idiot for that. What the fuck was that about, anyway?"

"I just… I forgot. I forgot… something important. And… I felt like… I felt… unworthy. I didn't… deserve… her comfort. So… I pushed… her away."

"Jesus, you're a dick."

I try to swallow my laugh at her response so I don't hurt my leg any more. Gee, Katie. Don't hold back, tell me what you really think.

"I know. I need to stop… pushing her away."

"Yeah, you do. You've been well stupid."

"All I want… is… to be near her."

"Look, Naomi. I'm not your shrink or your mother, and I don't do this touchy-feely shit. But my sister loves you. So, just get your shit together and love her back, right? It's not rocket science. Just stop fucking her around."

I feel Katie's hand move to touch my shoulder, to check on my when I don't respond. I can't. I am suddenly freezing, and I can't seem to stop shaking, each tiny movement excruciating as my leg tugs against the rebar.

"Jesus, Eff, she's shivering like crazy. And she's gone all clammy, Eff. What do I do?"

"Shit. Okay. It sounds like she's going into shock, Katie. You need to try to keep her warm. Loosen her jacket if you can do it without moving her, and tuck yourself in as close to her as you can so your body heat can help keep her warm. Wrap your arms around her if you can."

"Fucking hell, Effy, you want me to hug her?"

"Yes, Katie, I do. You're going to do whatever you can to keep her alive, including giving her a hug if that's what it takes. I need you to take care of her, Katie. I'd do it myself – fuck I'd change places with her if I could. But I can't. So I need you to help her. I need you to do that for me, Katie. For me, and for Emily."

Even I can hear the edge creeping into Effy's voice as her cool medic persona starts to crack, the darkness and the fear taking their toll even on her.

"It's that important?"

"It could save her life, Katie. Please!"

"Alright. Okay, Effy, I'm doing it."

I feel Katie snuggling up as close to me as she can get given the pillar that still lies across the bottom half of me. But all I can really focus on is how cold I feel. So very, very cold.

**X X X**

.

**Emily**

I've been standing here watching JJ move painstakingly through the rubble. When he nears a spot identified by the sappers as being above a possible void area, he stops and taps. He hits bits of rebar and pipe when he can, hoping the sound will travel down through them. And then he listens. I can see his face strain with the effort of trying to catch even the smallest noise, the smallest response from below. But so far there's nothing. And the wait is slowly tearing me to shreds. I can't move. I can't think. All I can do is watch, as minute after minute there is nothing but the silence of defeat, of loss.

I feel Thomas come up beside me and pull me into him until my head rests against his chest, offering his strength for me to draw on. I wish I could take comfort from that. But as kind as his gesture is, as caring, it cannot change the fact that JJ has almost completed one full circle of what is left of the mess, and he hasn't heard a thing. Nothing. And time is ticking away, every second lessening the chances that we will find them alive.

The tears fall from my face unabated as my heart shatters a little bit more with each passing moment.

And then JJ yells. Someone has tapped back.

**X X X **

**.**

**So, for some reason this particular chapter turned out to be a bitch to write. It's still not quite how I envisioned it being. I couldnt' quite get what is in my head onto the page. But it's close and hopefully it at least kept your attention. It's probably obvious that I know nothing about puncture wound first aid or building collapse rescue except what a little Google taught me, so please ignore any obvious mistakes. **

**If you feel like letting me know what you thought, just type a few words in the review box below. You'll make me happy if you do! :) **


	19. Chapter 19  If Wishes Were Horses

**Miss Marauder definitely earned her Beta stripes on this one! I made her read three different versions before we were done and her feedback was incredibly helpful. Thanks MM.  
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**Also huge thanks to those who took the time to review. I really do appreciate your comments.  
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**Fair warning - there are parts of this that are a little gory. **

**I don't own Skins, but if I did, I would definitely hold its hand in a crisis.**

**Chapter 19 – If wishes were horses.**

**Naomi**

Can't stop shivering. Even with Katie sharing her warmth. Been like this for ages. Me, cold and shaking. Katie whispering encouragement to me like she actually cares. Strangely comforting. Maybe 'cause she makes me think of Ems. Can almost imagine us as friends. Fucking weird.

"Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" My head jerks to the side as Katie yells almost directly into my ear to answer Effy.

"Listen!" Katie goes still. Waiting in heavy silence. Then we hear it.

"Oh my god. They're tapping. They're trying to find us."

Get jostled as Katie lurches upright. Too excited. Can't even mind. They're out there. They're out there and they're looking for us.

"We have to tap back, Katie." Effy. Cool as always.

"Right. Right! Fuck. With what? How can I… Effy, what do I do?"

"Katie calm down. Just feel around you for something to tap on. I'll do the same. Just take your time and feel around."

Katie moves away, looking. I feel colder now.

"Got it! Found a pipe."

"Okay, great! Now grab a piece of debris, anything really, and hit that pipe. Keep hitting it like your life depends on it, Katie. Don't stop until we hear another tap back."

The banging splits my head apart. But we need to be heard. I grit my teeth and hold on. Keep wishing with every heartbeat that she's in time. Please answer back. Please answer back.

After too much banging, Katie stops. Listening. Catching her breath. The wait's unbearable. What if… she wasn't fast enough? What if… they've moved on? What if?

I hear Katie's laboured, anxious breathing. Matches mine. The stillness suffocates. Seconds relentlessly tick by. Then Katie's screaming.

It's back: Tap tap tap.

Tap tap tap.

Tap tap tap.

"Tap back! Katie, you have to tap back. The same pattern!"

"Okay, okay, keep your knickers on!" Katie hits the pipe with the same pattern and then we wait again. This time the pattern that comes back is different: Tap tap. Pause. Tap tap. Pause. Tap tap.

"Do it again, Katie. Repeat that pattern exactly."

Katie hammers. Like her life depends on it. It does.

Waiting. Hate it. Too long.

"Tap again, Katie."

"Fucking hell. Where did they go?" Katie's voice is strained, her apprehension clear.

"It's okay. We're going to be okay. Just… try SOS, alright?" Effy's voice. Grounds us. Calms.

"That's three short, three long, three short, right, Eff?"

"That's right, Katie. Tap that out, keep tapping it for a bit."

**…** **- …**

Nothing. There's no answering tap. Where the fuck did they go?

**…** **- …**

Nothing.

**…** **- …**

Finally. An answer. Effy translates. Thank fuck she's here.

**.-** "That's a W."

**.** "E"

**….** "H"

**.** "E"

**.- **"A"

**.-. ** "R"

**..-** "U"

Oh my god.

"We hear you." No sound more sweet than that.

**.-** "W"

**.** "E"

**.-** "R"

**-.-.** "C"

**-** "O"

**- ** "M"

**.. ** "I"

**-.** "N"

**-. ** "G"

"We are coming". I lied. _T__hose_ words are better.

Katie's squealing. So excited. Eff knows better.

"Katie! Katie, I need you to calm down and answer back. Do exactly what I say, okay?"

Katie move back to the pipe. Tells Effy she's ready.

"Dot dot dot dot." Katie taps it out.

"Dot dot dash."

"Dot dash dot."

"Dot dash dot."

"Dash dot dash dash."

Effy stops.

"Am I done, Effy? What does it spell?"

"Hurry. It spells "hurry", Katie."

Right. Yeah. Reality check.

**X X X**

.

**Emily**

"I hear them! They're tapping back! I hear them!"

JJ taps again, and I can hardly contain myself waiting to know if there is another answering tap.

"Oh please, oh please, oh please." The wish falls from my lips as I call on anything and everything that could help make this alright.

JJ starts losing his shit, then, almost dancing on the top of the debris pile. "They tapped back! Same rhythm! They tapped back!"

I start jumping up and down, screaming and crying where I stand beside Kieran.

"We need to send a message to them. To let them know we heard them. What should I say? "

"Calm down, lad! Keep your bloody wits about you, for fuck's sake. Just take a fucking breath. Alright. Everyone take a fucking breath! We need to keep it simple. JJ do you know Morse Code?"

At JJ's nod, Kieran starts moving up the pile towards him. "Good. Send this: 'We hear you'."

JJ starts tapping right away, taking pains to be sure he gets it right.

"Good man. Now send 'We're coming'."

We wait again, all eyes on JJ as we wait for him to tell us what he hears. When his face falls I feel my heartbeat skip.

"What is it, JJ. What's wrong."

He raises his eyes to mine, and I shrink back from the fear I see there.

"They said 'hurry'."

Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Kieran takes charge right away, putting aside his fear and focussing on getting the rescue underway.

"Alright, look lively people. We need to move fast, but we need to work smart. I want the sappers on top. Now that we know what area to look in I want you to survey for heat signatures. Find out exactly where they are, what's in the way and figure out plan to get down there and get them out. Now!"

As I watch the engineers start to crawl across the pile to complete the tasks Kieran has set, I feel the small hope I gained from the tapping start to fade.

"What if they aren't all together, Kieran?"

"Then we'll deal with that. But for right now, we are going after the ones we know we can find.."

"What if we're too late?"

"We're not. We can't be. We just can't be."

**X X X**

**.**

**Naomi**

Can't stay awake. Fading in and out. So cold. Nauseous. Hands feel numb. Like putty. Want to sleep. No. Can't sleep. Gotta stay awake. Gotta try…

"Effy…?" Small, uncertain. Un-Katie-like.

"Yes, Katie?"

"Can you… Can you, maybe, talk to me? Just a bit?"

"Sure, Katie. Are you okay?"

"It's just… it's well dark, and shit scary… and Naomi… and I just… I… I just wish I could see you."

"It's alright, Katie. I'm scared, too. But we're together, yeah? And we'll get out together. I promise I won't leave you, okay?"

"Okay. I promise you, too. "

I jerk awake. Fuck. Was out again. Maybe. Not sure. Dizzy. Thirsty. Need…

I reach out, grasping blindly. Feel Katie's hand take mine. Warm. Her hand's warm. Nice. She's talking. Soothing. Like Ems. Helps. Can't believe… glad… she's here.

"She's really restless, Effy. I don't know what to do. What should I do?"

"Just keep doing what you're doing, Katie. That's all we can do until help arrives. Just try to keep her calm, and try to keep her warm."

Blurry. Everything's blurry. What was I…? Emily. Was looking for Emily. But… why can't…?

"Emily…" Throat hurts. Thirsty.

"Effy, she's calling for Emily again. She's like, really delirious or something."

"Just talk to her Katie. Let her know she's not alone."

"It's okay, Naomi. Help is coming. It's going to be okay."

"Katie? What…?"

Katie's here. But… makes no sense.

"Yes, Naomi, it's me. I'm here. Just relax. It will be okay. We'll get out of here and you'll see Emily and you can apologize for being a total fuckwit, and…"

"Katie!"

"What? She is!"

"Not really the time or place, Katie."

Effy? That's Effy. Want Effy. She'll make it stop.

"Effy…"

"She's asking for you, Effy. I think she's a bit out of it."

"That's going to happen, Katie. Probably more frequently until we get her out of here. Just keep trying to keep her warm, and keep her quiet when she's awake."

"How do you... I mean, how do stay so calm about all this, Effy?"

"Ha! I'm not! Fuck if you knew…"

"No, really, Effy. I mean, you're over there by yourself in the dark, and hurt, and you're comforting me, and you're just.. I just… Fucking hell. I'm just really glad you're here, okay? Or there. Or whatever. You know what I mean."

"Thank you, Katie. I'm glad I'm with you, too."

"So, tell me about yourself."

"Uh, actually, I'm not really good at that."

"Oh, come on! We're stuck down here together. We might as well get to know each other a bit, yeah?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Um. I don't know. Like, what were you like when you were young? Ran the school, I bet. All mysterious and shit."

"Hardly. I was a complete fuck up when I was younger."

"I don't believe that."

"Seriously. A total head case."

"Really? Like how?"

"Like, literally, Katie. An actual head case. Psych ward and everything."

"Oh."

Gotta be dreaming. Effy doesn't talk about that. Can't be…

"Yeah. Oh."

"What happened?"

"Ah. What didn't? Too many drugs, too much heartache, too much worry. It started when my brother got hit by a bus. I mean that literally, not figuratively, just to be clear. He recovered, pretty much. He's pretty amazing, actually. But it was scary as fuck for a while. My parents kind of fell apart… and then there was just me."

Seeing flashes. Memories. Effy smoking, tears falling. At a bar, fucked, being fucked. Lost. So lost.

"I'm sorry, Effy."

"Don't be. That's the past. It's long over now. Whatever. There were drugs, sex. Then there was this guy. I don't know. I guess I fell in love. And then I lost it for real. I… Ah, fuck it. Enough people know by now. I tried to kill myself, Katie. Came close, too."

Blood. So much blood. So red.

"Oh, Effy! Why …?"

"I don't really know why. I was just so lost."

"Oh."

"Yeah. It was Naomi who saved me. She's saved me a lot."

Broken Effy, painted red. So light. Like a rag doll.

"I was still locked up when the Crash hit. You can imagine how much fun that was – being in a psych ward surrounded by crazies while all the keepers fuck off to deal with their own lives."

"How'd you get out?"

Smoke rising. Screams. Effy's eyes. Frightened. Empty. So sad. So fucking sad.

"Naomi came for me. She's always come for me. Every time. No matter what. I looked up and there she was. A little battered and bruised, but I think that day her face was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. She came for me when no one else did."

Had to. Always will. Love her.

"I ran out of there in bare feet and just the hospital scrubs. And Naomi… she gave me her mitts for my feet and one of her jackets and… She ran back into the ward, Katie. She ran back into the godforsaken horror show it had become. To get Pato for me. She just… she knew I would need him, so she did that for me. I owe her so much, Katie. I owe her everything."

Voice cracks. Breaks me. Hurts when she hurts.

"She's going to get through this, Effy. I'm sure of it."

Shit. Gonna end up… liking Katie… before we're through.

"The boy you loved. Was it Cook?"

Cook. Need Cook. He'd make it stop. Want Cook. Where is he? Must be late. Maybe too late.

"No! No, not Cook."

"Oh. It's just… well. I always thought there as something between you two. "

"There was once. A long time ago. But we are better as friends. Really."

"Did you love him?"

"… I did, yes. I still do, but not in the same way. He's as important to me as Naomi now. But like a brother. They're my family, you know?"

Family. Like Gina. And Emily. Where did she go? Have to… what? Have to… Can't remember.

"Yeah. I get that. So what's it like?"

"What's what like?"

"Love."

Ha! Asking Ef about love. Fucking funny. Shit. Don't laugh. Oh fuck. It hurts.

"Great. It's really lovely."

"That sounded convincing."

"It's fine. Nothing's ever perfect, you know?"

"I thought it could be. I wanted the perfect boyfriend, perfect marriage, perfect everything."

"What's changed?"

"Me. I don't know who I am anymore."

"I thought you were Katie fucking Fitch."

Katie laughing. Beautiful. Like Emily. My Emily. Love her so much.

"Yeah right. Katie fucking Fitch. That's me."

Funny. Katie's funny. And kinda nice. Nice little Fitch bitch.

"Uh, Effy? Now she's giggling… like Loonie Tunes giggling. I think she's losing it!"

**X X X**

.

**Emily**

The pile looks like it's covered with crazed ants with the workers milling around on it. They started to dig the shaft about an hour ago. They're making progress, but it's slow. Each piece of debris has to be cut out, tied off and then lifted up and away by the crane, without shifting anything else in the pile. It's a fucking nightmare.

They guys are shoring up the weak bits as they go, but they keep having to deviate around beams and huge slabs of concrete.

"Bollocks, ya fucking gobshite, you mother fucking piece of piss, ya bastard son of a jackal! That isn't good enough! You get back in there and you fucking well find a way!"

Kieran isn't happy. It's not going well and it's taking too long. And Kieran is getting more frustrated and worried with every moment that passes.

We're both so powerless right now. He was right. All we can do is watch, and wait. And hope.

**X X X**

.

**Naomi**

Feel sick. Spinning. Jeez. Please stop. Fuck. Dizzy. I…

"… heart beat is fading. She's barely breathing. Jesus, Eff, I think we're losing her! Oh fuck. Oh fuck, what do I do?"

I feel myself rising, floating almost, with Katie's frantic voice slowly fading into the background until I can't hear it at all. It's nice up here. No pain. No cold. I feel light. I like it. It feels so much better.

I hear a voice calling me. I know that voice. But it's not Katie. I try to remember. I turn to the sound and I see them. Those eyes. Those incredible eyes. That smile. What the… but you're… you can't be… It's not possible."

"Hi, NC. Been a long time, Love."

"Jamie?" I almost fall to my knees with the shock of seeing her again.

"In technicolor, Babe." She's in the same combats I saw her in last, her face beaming at me from about 5 metres away.

"Is it really you?"

"Yes, Naomi. It's really me."

"I missed your birthday." My regret is overwhelming. Part of me knows it's completely out of proportion, but right now, it feels like the worst things I could possibly have done.

"You're not upset about my birthday, Love. You know better than that."

"No?"

"No.

"I forgot you."

"That's not true. You may not have thought about me today. But you didn't forget me. You won't forget me. I know that. So should you."

"Why aren't you mad?"

"I could never be mad with you, Naomi. Not about this. I love you. You were the best thing to ever happen to me. And besides, I know, Naomi. I know you loved me, too. I know you were _in_ love with me. I don't need you to think about me every second of every day to prove that. So don't worry. And don't worry about the redhead, either. I know it's time for you to move on. And that's okay."

"You'd like her, Jay."

Her laugh peals out. "Oh, I doubt that. I don't think I could like anyone who has your heart like she does. But I don't need to. As long as you do, that's all that matters."

I try to close the distance between us, but every time I do, she moves away.

"You have to choose soon, Naomi. You have to understand that you could die here. You could die and you would never see her again. You would never get to make it right. So you have to make up your mind. Do you stay, or do you go. Do you fight or do you let go? It's time to choose. And NC? I will always love you, but if you choose anything other than living I'm going to be really fucking disappointed in you."

I see her start to walk away from me and I panic.

"Jay? Jay, come back! I'm not done? There's so much I want to say!"

"No need, Love. I know everything. I'm part of you. And it's okay. So go back. Go back to your life and to that girl. And grab on tight. The next little while is going to be fucking awful for you, my love. Really fucking awful. But you need to hang on. It will get better soon if you just hang on."

I try to follow her, but this time I can't move. I start to struggle and thrash until I feel something fall across my chest.

"Naomi! Naomi, stop! You have to stop. You'll hurt yourself! Fuck. Would you just stop fucking moving! Fuck! Effy!"

**X X X**

.

**Emily**

They've done it. There's a path all the way down. It's tricky and tight, but it's there.

"I'm going."

"Emily…"

"No, Kieran. No argument. I'm going. You need someone small and strong, and that's me. I'm going, so don't even fucking try to stop me."

"Emily…"

"I'm going. Now fucking stop wasting time and let me harness up."

I stare Kieran right in the eye, refusing to break contact until he gives in. He _has_ to give in, because there's no way in hell I'll be able to stay sane just waiting here.

I can see him struggle, weighing the pros and cons before he gives me one, tight nod, "Alright."

Thank god.

"You heard her lads. Get her geared up. And Emily? Don't fuck this up."

**X X X**

**.**

**Naomi**

"… can't believe you made me do that."

"I didn't make you do anything, Katie. I just told you to get her to stop moving. You're the one who belted her one."

Room spinning. Dizzy.

"Yeah, well, I couldn't think of any other way, could I? Hey! She's waking up! Effy, she's waking up!"

**X X X**

**.**

**Emily**

It's almost impossible to make my way down the shaft. Some of the spaces are really tight. I have to keep stopping to move bits and pieces of the wreckage, or find a way to get around the ones that I can't move. I have to be careful not to tangle my harness line as I go either. I am sweating hard, my arm's straining, and my legs are almost like jelly. But I'm almost there.

I carefully shift one last piece of broke gyproc and some pieces of 2x4, and I see it. Ground. I made it.

I lower myself the last few feet, unclip the harness and then radio up my progress.

Once I've done that, I swing my helmet light around the small space I have dropped into. The "ceiling" is low, maybe 1 ½ metres. As I flash my light over my left shoulder, I hear a voice call out.

"Hey! There's a light! Effy, there's a light! Hey!"

Katie. It's Katie!

"Over here!"

"I hear you, Katie. It's me. It's Emily!"

We're both in tears as we each push a hand through the small break between us and grab hold.

"Help me clear a way through, Katie. I think, if we can just move a few of these cinder blocks, I should be able to make to where you are."

I shine the light as best I can to help Katie see what I'm talking about. It takes a little while for her eyes to adjust to the light after being so long in the dark. But once she can see properly, we work together to make a passageway.

I think my first full view of Katie's grime smeared face may be my favourite sight ever. I pull her into a full Fitch hug, not caring about the tears streaming down my face in relief at seeing her again. Then I push her back and start running my hands all over her body, checking to be sure she's in one piece and not injured. Miraculously, she is.

"Oh, Katie, thank god you're alright."

Katie shifts slightly then, and I can't hold back a gasp when I see her. Naomi. I take three steps towards her and drop to my knees by her side.

"Naoms." It comes out whispered, like a prayer.

Her eyes drift up at the sound of my voice, and she chokes out one word, "Ems?" before I see her eyes roll back in her head and she goes limp.

I look up to Katie, my face asking, "What the fuck?"

"She's been like that for the past hour or so, drifting in and out. Not making sense. It's been getting worse the last little bit."

I rake my eyes back to my fallen lover. "God, Naomi. What have you done to yourself?"

I use my head lamp to get a clear look at her. It's much worse than I thought. There are a lot of cuts and bruises, including a doozy that is just coming up on her chin. But the worst is that she's pinned under an absolutely huge pillar. And… oh, sweet Jesus. Her leg. There's a metal rod sticking right through her leg.

I swallow hard and turn away from her as I feel bile rising in my throat at the sight. She's pinned. Completely pinned. I have no idea how we are going to get her out of here. But I can't panic. I can't. I have to keep it together. I drag my eyes away from Naomi and back to Katie.

"Katie – tell me what I need to know?"

"Better if Effy talks you through that."

For the first time realize that Effy's not in this space with us. Katie points to my left, and when I swing my head lamp in that direction I see a small hole at the top of a Jenga-like pile of rubble.

"Effy?"

"I'm here, Emily. Just on the other side of this wall. Naomi's the priority, Em. From what Katie's described, she showing signs of shock, blood loss, hypothermia, and possibly internal injuries we don't even know about. We need to get her out of here Emily, and we need to do it fast."

"Okay. What can we do to stabilize her down here? Tell me what we need."

"To start, fluids, AB+ blood, hot packs, blankets. And you need a medic to administer it all."

"Okay." I call up the supply list and Kieran confirms they will put together what we need. Next issue is the medic.

"Which medic? Who's the best, Effy?"

She doesn't answer right away.

"How much room have you got in there?"

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"You're going to have to get the pillar off her, Emily, and cut through the rebar. You need muscles for that. And I need to know if you have enough room for a medic _and_ another person or not. It might be best if you and Katie go up, and a sapper and a medic come down in your place."

I don't even think twice before I veto that idea. "I'm not leaving her. I'm not, Effy. I can't."

"I'm not leaving either. I'm not leaving either of you." Katie chimes in, leaning close and grabbing my hand in hers as she voices her support.

"Fuck. You two." Effy's exasperation is obvious, but she knows she won't be able to talk us out of this.

"Fine. Describe the space to me."

I look around again, describing what I see as I do.

"It's like a small cave. The ceiling's about 2-3 metres at one end, tapers to about 1 metre near Naomi. From what I can guess, it is a piece of the concrete floor from the next floor up. There's a pillar about 3-4 metres long pinning Naomi down. It is resting on floor at one end and on a piece of concrete at the other that I think is part of a staircase. That's. what seems to be holding the ceiling up, too. The staircase is kitty-corner to the "wall" between you and us. The whole space is about 3 metres wide by 4-5 metres across, I guess, more or less."

"Can you get up to the hole in the pile between us? Preferably without bringing the whole fucking thing down on our heads."

I turn my head to flash the lamp to the hole and the heap beneath it.

"Yeah, I think so. "

"Do you have a spare torch?"

"Yeah"

"Okay, climb up and drop the torch through to me. But be careful."

Right. Fucking beautiful. I slowly start to crawl up the pile, being very careful where I place my hands and feet. When I finally get to the top, I peak through and see Effy lying on the other side, her face covered in blood, her clothes torn and dirty.

Effy moves to shield her eyes from the light and I move it off her face quickly. Once it isn't shining directly at her, she looks back up to me.

"Hey there. Toss it to me."

Once I hear the torch land by her feet, I shine my lamp on it so she can get to it. She grabs it, turns it on and starts looking around the space she is in, assessing.

"Okay. I think I can get up to you. Do you think we can make that hole a little bigger?"

There are a few smaller pieces of stone and mortar that I know I can move, as well as some broken pieces of wood.

"I think so… let me just…"

I slowly, carefully start to move the broken bits and pieces, calling Katie to come take them from me as I hand them down to her

"Okay. I think you can make it through now."

I watch Effy stand up, a wince flashing across her face as she puts weight on her right leg. She almost crumples back to the ground, but saves herself.

"Effy, what..?"

"Hip – got hit in the collapse. It's okay. Bad bruise."

Jesus, how's she going to climb up here on that leg? But I watch her gather herself and see the steel in her eyes, and I know – she'll do it. Getting here is the only way she can help Naomi, so she'll climb the pile no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts. I know I love Naomi, but I think maybe Effy loves her just as much or more in her own way.

When Effy gets close enough, I shove my hand through the gap to help her up. She grabs on and I help pull her the last few feet, until her head is right next to the hole. Effy scrambles another few feet until her head and torso are on our side, and only her legs are still hanging into the other side of the void.

"Alright, Emily. Time to see how strong you really are. I'm going to come through head first. And you're going to catch me before I break my fucking neck. Right?"

I make my way back down to the ground and brace myself.

"Ready?"

I nod.

With barely a moments' hesitation, she pulls herself the rest of the way through, dangling briefly, before tumbling the last few feet into my waiting arms. We both go crashing to the ground, with my arms automatically pulling her into my chest to protect her head and neck. As soon as we hit, the breath is knocked right out of me. I struggle to get air back, while Effy groans from the pain the impact on her hip has caused.

Before I can fully breathe again, Katie is beside us, frantically asking if we're alright

I nod, still gasping, and Effy managed to bite out a "Fucking perfect."

We slowly gather ourselves and get to our feet.

"Well, I guess that takes care of who the medic will be. Now we just need the supplies, and the muscle. Can I have the radio?"

I hand it over, and watch as she moves over to Naomi to see for the first time just how bad her situation really is.

"Oh, Naomi. Fucking hell."

I see Effy softly run her hand across Naomi's face, then lean down to place a kiss on her brow. She leans her head against Naomi's for a moment, before abruptly standing and moving away.

"Okay. Let's do this."

Effy radios Kieran, double-checking my request for blood and saline, and adding requests for antibiotics, pain killers and anaesthesia.

That shocks me. "Anaesthesia? But isn't that dangerous in her condition?"

Effy shifts her focus from the radio to me to answer.

"Yes. But to get her out of here we are going to have to cut through that rebar. And to that, we are going to have to move her leg to get the cutter in there. And I, for one, would prefer if she wasn't fully awake when we have to do that. We won't use much. Just hopefully enough that the pain doesn't actually kill her. Now let me work."

She brings the radio back to her face and starts giving orders once again, completely in charge.

"Kieran, we are definitely going to need someone stronger than us down here, along with rebar cutters, jacks, maybe an air lift bag kit. We may have room to use the compressed air system but send down the foot pump, too, just in case. Yeah. It's Naomi, Kieran. She's pinned. We're going to need to cut her out before we can get out of here."

There is a short pause while she listens to his response.

"I will. I promise. And Kieran? Don't tell Gina yet. There's no point. She can't do anything from Leeds anyway, and the worry will drive her and Cook crazy. You can call when we get her out, okay?"

Effy tosses the radio back to me, and I bobble it before managing to hang on.

"Okay. Here's the plan. We get her stabilized as much as we can. Then we cut the rebar above and below her leg, lift the pillar just enough to pull her free, brace the leg and hoist her the fuck out of here. Questions?"

Katie jumps in before I can. "Yeah. One. How the fuck do we do all that?"

"One very careful step at a time. You should go up, Katie. It's going to get crowded down here and we're going to be here a while."

"No way. I'm not leaving until you all leave. I'll stay out of your way, but I'm not leaving."

I think Effy's right. And I would like to know my sister is safe, so I try to convince her to go. "It's okay, K – you can go up. We'll be right behind you."

"You don't know that, Emily. You don't know whether this whole place is getting ready to come down. You don't know whether trying to get her out will bring it down. And I'm not going to wait up there wondering if I'm ever going to see you all again. I need you. You're my family. All of you. You're all I have left. And I'm not leaving you behind. Besides, I promised Effy, didn't I? So I'm staying."

I watch, stunned, as Effy moves to embrace Katie, soothing her, and wiping the tears off her face. "Okay, Katie. It's okay. You can stay. It's okay."

I am even more stunned to see Katie take comfort in the hug for a second or two, before moving Effy to arm's length, giving her a weak smile of gratitude and a nod.

"Right, well get on with all the rescuing, yeah, Eff? We haven't got all day. Or night. Or whatever the fuck it is now."

At Katie's words, Effy starts to turn back to Naomi.

"Effy." She stops to look back at Katie.

"It's good to be able to see you again."

Effy gives her the tiniest of smirks, and then goes back to Naomi, checking her vitals, and muttering under her breath.

About 15 minutes pass before we hear the sound of someone descending the shaft. I turn my headlamp to the opening to the shaft "room" and see a large bag on a rope line hit the floor, followed by a pair of booted feet, and then a back pack, which drops next to the first bag. I watch the feet step away and start lowering tools one by one on belaying ropes. The person drops down into line of sight as he unhook each tool from its line, one at a time.

Thomas. Thomas is here.

I move quickly to the passageway to help Thomas move the equipment through to this space. He sends the medical stuff first, which I immediately pass to Katie to take to Effy. Then he hands over the rest of the rescue equipment before he finally squeezes through the gap himself.

He quickly gives hugs to Katie and me, as he looks around the space, assessing what needs to be done.

"Alright then. I will look at this pillar now."

When I turn I can see that while we were working Effy inserted IV lines in Naomi's arms, blood on the left and fluids on the right, hanging the bags off protruding bits of debris. She has attached monitors and is watching Naomi's vital signs. She looks worried.

"She's unconscious and her pulse is slow and thready. It's too weak for me to risk sedating her, so we are just going to have to hope the pain killers are enough."

"Emily, we are going to need to hold her still when the cutting starts. It's not going to be easy, and we are absolutely going to hurt her when we do it. Are you up to that?"

I feel myself go pale. But I know that I'm physically stronger than Katie – I beat her in the only real fight we ever had, and soldiering has made me even more fit. I need to do this. For Naomi. If I have to hurt her to help her, I will.

"Yeah. I can do it."

"Okay. You and I will hold her while Thomas cuts. Katie, I need you to keep your eyes on these monitors and tell me if anything changes, okay? Pulse, blood pressure… anything. Thomas, do you need us to raise the pillar for you to get the cutters in?"

"I am not yet sure, Effy. I brought the thinnest cutters I could find that are still capable of doing the job. But I will not know until I try. I will try to cut above her leg first – if we are lucky, I will have enough clearance to do that without having to move the pillar."

I watch fearfully as Thomas moves into position, sliding the bright yellow tool into place. It looks like a pipe cutter, but on steroids. The arms are about a metre long for leverage and the cutting head is about the size of a paperback book, but at least 15 cm deep. The whole thing is a good 20 kilos, so it is a complete bitch to try to manoeuvre.

Thomas forces the cutters into position and starts to pull the arms together to cut through the rebar. Thomas strains and curses, his biceps bulging and his face contorting. We all jump when Naomi screams as the cutter presses against her leg, but he doesn't stop. He can't stop. Oh, Jesus I can't stand this!

Finally, he manages to break through the rebar and he lifts the cutters away from Naomi's leg.

"Jesus Christ." Thomas is visibly shaken. I know just how he feels. My God, what are we doing to her?

"Yeah. And that was the easy part kids. The next bit is going to be ugly as fuck. So pull yourselves together and get ready. I am going to have to lift her leg so the cutters will have room to get to the rebar underneath. Katie, you are going to see her vitals go haywire when we do this. Focus on the heart beat – if it skips or stops I need to know right away. And if the blood pressure drops, tell me that too. Scream "stop", and I will. Thomas, once I have the leg off the ground, take the two rolled blankets beside you and slide one under her leg on each side of the rebar, okay? Leave enough room in between for the cutter to fit without us having to move her again."

Effy leans down to Naomi's ear. "I am so sorry for what I am about to do to you Nai. I wish I didn't have to. But it's the only way. Hold on, mate. Just hold on for me. I'll be as quick as I can."

Then without any further delay Eff reaches in and places her hands under Naomi's leg just above and below where the rebar is sticking through, and then slowly but steadily starts to lift the leg off the ground and slide it up the rebar. As she does, Naomi instantly starts to try to thrash like she's possessed, the pain blinding her to all reason. It takes all my weight and strength to hold her down. She screams, coming awake as she does, but only for a moment before her eyes roll back in her head and she goes completely limp. Oh, please god no.

I look over to Katie, wishing with all my heart that she will tell me that Naomi did not just die in my arms.

"She's still alive. I promise. She just passed out. She's still alive, Emily."

I'm shaking all over and a part of me just wants to collapse and weep in a corner, but I've got to stay strong for her. We all have to stay strong for her. Effy gets us back together, as usual, turning our minds back to what we still have to do.

"Okay Thomas, slide the blankets in under her leg."

Thomas reaches across to place the blankets to support Naomi's leg. Once they are in place, and Effy and Thomas are satisfied with their position, Effy gently releases Naomi's leg and leans back onto her haunches, her face twisted with the horror of what she just had to do. Her hands are covered in blood. When she notices she collects herself and shakes her head.

"Shitting hell. I was afraid of that. Okay people. She's bleeding again, hard. That means we don't have much time. We need to move fast, but safe. Thomas, you're on. Remember, if you hear Katie yell, you stop."

Thomas once again slips into place at Naomi's side. I can see the sweat seeping through his shirt as he struggles to get the cutters into position without hurting Naomi any more.

"Everybody ready?"

When Effy's satisfied she nods to Thomas, and he starts pulling the cutters closed. It's impossible for him to do it without shaking the rebar, and with every motion, every slight jiggle and shift, Naomi reacts even through her stupor. The pain is immense and her body is rigid with the strain. I keep talking to her, rambling nothings, assurances that it will be over soon, that she will be alright, but mostly just telling her how much I love her, how much I need her. Telling her everything I'm afraid I won't get the chance to tell her later.

Finally, it's over. The rebar is cut through and Naomi is no longer pinned by it. Her leg is resting on the rolled blankets, with a couple of inches of rebar sticking out above and below it.

Effy immediately gets Thomas to shift out of her way as she moves to Naomi's side, leaning under the pillar to apply ring bandages around the wounds to try to stabilize the rebar and stem the bleeding at least a bit. Then she swings around to check the monitor for Naomi's vitals. Her face is not reassuring when she does. There's no doubt that she doesn't like what she's seeing.

"Okay. Let's get this fucking pillar out of the way. Thomas, do you know how to use the air lift bags? I think they'll be better than the jacks for this."

"Yes, Effy. I was given instruction before descending. I will set it up. We will have to move very slowly, I am afraid, to be sure we do not disrupt the balance of the debris pile."

"I know. I think we only need to raise it a small amount to get enough clearance to slide her out. It is only pressing on her left side, and not by much. Just enough to make it a problem to just pull her out."

Thomas goes about setting up the bag, attaching it to the portable mini compressor, and starting the painstaking process of lifting the enormous pillar micron by micron. After 10 very long, stressful minutes, filled with pauses to assess and reinforce the pile, Effy calls a halt.

"I think that's enough. Thomas, I want you to get behind her head, raise her up against your chest until you can get your arms around her, and when I tell you, slowly pull her back towards you. I am going to take care of her leg while you do it. Emily, you watch her left side to be sure we aren't going to get hung up over there. Katie, you keep doing what you've been doing. Keep your eyes on that monitor."

I see a flash of something passes between them, as Effy's trust in Katie is well received, and Katie straightens up, determined not to let Effy down.

The first pull goes well. Naomi's hips are clear. We all readjust for next pull, and with it we manage to get her clear to her knees. Effy moves closer to get her first unobstructed look at the rebar through Naomi's leg. Jesus. It's not good. The hole is torn and ragged, and her pants are drenched in blood. I have to fight once again not to puke at the sight. Effy just takes a deep breath, and rearranges the bandages to better protect both wounds, above and below the leg, and to brace the rebar from moving.

"Stop! Effy, stop! Her heart beat. It's…"

Before Katie can finish her sentence, Effy has flung herself over to the monitor.

"Okay. It's ragged, but it's there. Her blood pressure is dropping though. I'm going to increase the fluids and try to get that stabilized. But we have to hurry, guys. You ready, Thomas? One last time pull. Make it a good one. Everyone set?"

Thomas makes one last pull and she's out. Effy immediately starts to place a full splint on Naomi's leg.

"Okay. Now we just have to get her to the surface."

Before he has even caught his breath again, Thomas radios up for a rescue basket to be lowered down, and then moves to the shaft to climb part way up to help move it past all the obstacles.

I don't even realize what happens next. I don't remember moving, but I find myself beside Naomi, holding her face in my hands, watching as my falling tears trickle down her neck. She looks so small, so fragile. She's so weak. I can't… oh god, I can't lose her. My voice is ragged and desperate as I beseech her.

"You can't die, Naomi. You can't. You're not fucking allowed alright?"

God my heart is pounding. I am starting to panic. Just the thought of being without her. I'd give anything, anything at all, to save her. I need her to live. I need her to stay with me.

"There are too many things we still have to do together, Nai. Like… like… walking the beach, and…. and dancing under the moonlight… and … and…. waking up together on Christmas morning, and… Fuck, Naomi, we're supposed to grow old together. We're supposed to sit on our porch in our rockers and tell stories about the old days…. And… and … There's too much still to do. So you see, you can't die. You have to stay with me so we can do it all. Just… we're supposed to have more time, Naomi! I need to have more time. There is so much left for me to know about you, and to show you. And I can't… I won't be able to breathe without you, Nai. I won't. Nothing will mean anything. There'll be no point to any of it without you. I can't even imagine… I can't… So, you have to stay. You can't leave me. I can't do this without you, Naomi. I can't. You have to stay with me. Please!"

I feel Katie's hands, gently but undeniably pulling me away from Naomi and into the strong comfort of her encircling arms. I struggle to pull away, to pull back to Naomi, but she won't let me go. She just grips harder, talking quickly into my ear as she does.

"Come on Ems. You gotta pull it together, yeah? Please. We need you, okay? We're not out of this yet, and we need you to get there."

She pulls back just enough to look me in the eyes, not loosening her grip. "She needs you, Em. Naomi needs you. So you have to get it together, alright? You have to get it together."

I can feel the wetness on her shirt from my tears, and her chest rising and falling as she struggles to hold me. I look back into her so familiar eyes, drawing on her strength, leaning on her to find what I need to stop my tears and gather myself one more time. I wipe my eyes on my sleeves and slowly move to stand, one hand still grasping her shirtfront, both for balance and for comfort.

"Emzy sham, Katie."

"Don't apologize. There's no need. Just, keep your shit together, yeah? And we'll all get out of here."

I turn to Effy, letting her know I am back on board. "Okay. What's next?"

Effy and Thomas have managed to slide the stretcher through the gap during my meltdown. Effy is preparing Naomi for transfer into it, and gives us each instructions on what we need to do to help. It isn't easy, as we need to keep Naomi from moving as much as possible, but we manage.

Once Naomi is on the litter, Effy re-checks the leg brace, and then ties her in tightly, packing the IV fluids onto the stretcher with her for transport. Thomas and I drag the litter through the hole to the shaft and he immediately starts rigging it with the waiting ropes.

"The crane above will take most of the weight of the rescue basket. But we will have to climb with it to keep it stable, and to move it around obstructions along the way. I will go with it, but I will need help."

I look to Effy, and tell her, "You go with Thomas, Effy, in case she needs you on the way."

"No. There's not much I could do in the shaft, Ems. The best we can do for her is to get her to the surface as fast as possible, and you are stronger than me. So, you go with Thomas. I'll go up with Katie once you're clear."

I start to object, but Effy shuts me down. "Emily, with Kieran in charge she'll have the whole hospital waiting for her when she gets up there. She'll be in good hands. So go. Besides. I promised Katie I would stay with her. And I keep my promises."

In the shimmering lamplight I see a small, shy grin flash across Katie's face as she steps just barely closer to Effy. I can see that they're in good hands with each other, so I nod, and cross to Thomas. He clips the rappel ropes onto my harness and double checks the connections. I check his as well, as best I can. And then it's time to go.

"We will go slowly and carefully, Emily. We will not rush. I wish to avoid causing Naomi any more pain if we can avoid it. So, slowly. Can you do that?"

"Yes. I can do that."

When we're in place, we call up to the crane operator and belayers and the lines slowly start to tighten. I barely have time to look back to Katie, before we're climbing, our feet searching for purchase while our hands hold onto the litter keeping it as flat as we can. Every time it hits something or tilts at all Naomi groans. She's agitated, and pale as a ghost. Almost green. Her chest barely moves as she breathes. I'm terrified that we're too late.

We hit the most difficult part of the climb - a traverse that requires us to contort ourselves and tilt stretcher to get past it. My muscles are screaming and the sweat is pouring off me. Thomas doesn't look much better as he takes the bulk of the stretcher's weight while the crane operator readjusts to regain tension on the line. Fucking hell, will this climb never end?

Finally, Sweet Jesus, finally, we see the sky above us. I'm amazed to realize that the sun is shining and the sky is blue. Somehow that just seems wrong.

As we emerge, there are hands and faces everywhere. I feel the weight of the litter taken from me, and then feel strong arms around me as well. Naomi is carried off the pile by a half dozen people, some in uniform, some not, but all focussed on getting her down to the ground and to the hospital wing as fast as they can. I see Kieran rush to the side of the stretcher, and then climb into the truck beside her just before it speeds off into the distance.

Thomas and I are helped down to the ground more slowly. When I look back at the pile, I can't believe it's still only about 15 metres tall. I would have sworn we just climbed at least twice that.

I want to chase after Naomi, but I need to see Katie and Effy come out of the wreckage before I do. Time stops. Minutes become hours. My heart pounds in my ears and my knees grow weaker with each moment that passes. Finally, when I think I will explode from the tension I see Katie's face pop up to the surface, with Effy's close behind. As they climb out I see Effy take Katie into her arms and hug her fiercely, before letting her go and pointing her in my direction. Her arm reaches over Katie's shoulder directing her until Katie's fall on mine, and Katie starts to move carefully down the pile, with many hands helping her as she goes. She is almost at the ground when she looks back to Effy, and says, "You coming?"

Only then does Effy start to move. The exhaustion that's clear on her face is broken briefly by a look of surprise, followed by a fleeting smile and nod of acknowledgement and relief.

I hug them both fiercely when they get to me, feeling someone drape a blanket across our shoulders as I do.

"Thank God you're alright. I thought… I thought I was going to lose you all.".

"Not gonna happen, Ems. We're here and we're okay. Now let's go find your girl, alright? She'll be needing you."

The three of us move as one towards the truck that is waiting to take us to the hospital. Our hands never stop making contact with each other. Our eyes continuously catching, as we try to comprehend that we really are safe. We are alive and we are safe.

If only we could be sure we could say the same about Naomi.

**X X X **

**Thanks to my MusicIsMyAnswer for the most excellent assistance in developing some of Kieran's more colourful cursing. **

**So, having to use Naomi's pov to describe events while she's drifting in and out was not the easiest bit of writing I have ever done. I hope you think it worked. Feel free to let me know if a review :)  
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	20. Chapter 20 - Waiting is the Hardest Part

**I don't own Skins. If I did, there'd be a fourth film called Heat focussed completely on Naomily.  
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**Chapter 20 – The Waiting is the Hardest Part**

**Emily**

**Day 1 - 15:48 hours**

Desperate. I'm desperate for news, terrified, coming out of my skin with fear. Muscles strung so taught it feels like they could literally snap. Tears stream from my eyes and I let them. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters but her. She could be dying right now and I wouldn't know. I wouldn't be there. I can't stand it. I can't. It's too much. It's too fucking much.

We're almost at the hospital wing, the truck jolting and jerking through the jetsam from the attack. My eyes are open, wild, but I don't notice the wreckage as we pass. I have only one focus. One need. Naomi. I need to find Naomi. I need to know. I need to be with her. I need to see her with my own eyes and tell her to live. She has to live. For me. For us. She has to.

We pull up in front of the base's make-shift hospital wing, and I climb out of the truck before our driver can bring it to a full stop. I stumble as my feet hit the ground, the fatigue and strain of the past day catching up to me.

I can't move fast enough. I'm so fucking exhausted, my legs and arms so worn out and sore that I just can't move fast enough.

"Emily, wait. Let me."

Effy grabs the door that I'm struggling with and pulls it open for me. I rush past her, into the overly bright room, not even slowing down to thank her. I'm vaguely aware of her and Katie following me in, but I don't wait.

"Kieran!"

He's standing in a hallway, talking to some guy in uniform. His 2IC, I think. I see him wave the uniform away. I know Kieran has other responsibilities, that the base is still at risk and there are other people still hurt and dying, but right now I just don't care. My fear must be obvious as I move towards him because Kieran starts speaking before I get to his side.

"She's alive, Emily. She's still alive."

I stumble slightly from the relief that hits me at his words. But he's not done. When I finally reach him, he places his hands on my shoulders and locks his eyes on mine. That's when I know. There's such anguish on his face that I know the rest of what he has to tell me can't be good.

"They found broken ribs and a fractured cheek as well as a fuck-ton of scrapes and cuts and bruises. All that will heal. They are prep'ing her now for surgery to try to repair her leg. But, Emily… I don't know how to… I'm so sorry… God, the poor girl."

The tears falling down his face splinter my heart to pieces. I feel a wave of cold flow through me and try to brace myself for what comes next.

"It might have to come off, Emily. Her leg. They told me why, but I didn't hear much past amputation, so I don't know. I can't… I have to call Gina. I have to tell her. She'll be so upset. And there's no convoy available, I checked. So they can't come right away. I've been trying to get one in place, but it's not... She's going to be destroyed. She should be here and I can't make that happen. It's just…. It's all just completely fucked."

I have no words. I don't know… How can…? This can't be… I don't know what else to do so I pull him down towards me into the tightest hug I can manage, and hold on to him for as long as he lets me. After a while, I don't know how long, he gently disengages from me, dropping a short, sweet kiss onto my head as he does.

"Find me if there's any news, Emily. I'm going to go make that call."

I watch him walk away from me, feeling myself rebel against the loss, shaken by the sight of his strong shoulders bowing under the weight of what has happened, what may still happen, and the call he has to make.

I realize that I'm trembling, my arms curled tightly around myself, when I feel Katie pull me into her arms. I hear her voice as though from a distance although I know that she's whispering right into my ear, telling me the Naomi will be alright, over and over saying that everything will be alright. I would trade anything on earth to be able to believe her.

But I can't. I don't. And because of that I can't handle Katie being so near me right now. I'm so close to breaking, to shattering into a million pieces that I'll never be able to put back together. Everything we saw, everything we did. I can't stop the flashbacks of the rod through her leg, of the blood. I keep hearing her screams. I am so afraid that I'll lose her. It's all too much. I need time to find a way to cope, to get some kind of grip on my emotions however slight. I need to send Katie away whether she wants to go or not. I need to be alone.

"I'm okay, Katie. Really. I'm fine. And you need… Effy needs to get checked out. Her face… she probably need stitches and you should go with her and make sure she gets looked at. Effy, you should go and take Katie with you."

Katie starts to object. I knew she would. I'm her twin, her family. She has to object. Thank God Effy's with us. She can tell, I think, what I am asking for and why. She can see it in my eyes. I just need a minute. To be alone for just a minute.

I could explode with gratitude when Effy wraps her arm around Katie and says, "Come with me, yeah. We'll get my face fixed, I'll rock the Frankenstein look and then we'll come back. Come on, Katie. Come keep my mind off the needle and thread."

Katie hesitates, her reluctance to leave me obvious. But she must see, too, what I'm asking, why I'm asking, at least a little.

"Okay. But Ems, I won't be far, okay? If you need me, just fucking yell and I'll be here."

I watch unmoving as they walk away, Effy's arm still around Katie as she leans on my twin to take some of the weight off her injured hip, and Katie looking back over her shoulder at me until they disappear from sight around the hallway corner.

As soon as they're out of view, I collapse in tears. I manage to stumble over to one of the waiting area chairs, pulling my knees up to my chest, my arms wrapped around them as I rest my head on my knees and fall into strangled, choking cries. I can't stop. The tears flow out of me like a river as I gasp with wracking sobs that shake me to my soul. By the time it finally ends, my sleeves are soaked with tears and snot. But once the tears stop, it's like the calm after a dam bursts and the floodwaters still. I feel like I can hold it together now. The strain and pressure of the rescue has been released, and although I'm still terrified of what could happen, I know I can find a way to be strong for Naomi, whatever happens. I have to find a way. I feel the resolve slipping over me, taking hold. I can do this. No matter what happens, I can be here for her. I can, and I will.

So I sit in the waiting area, with its peeling green walls, counting the black and white tiles on the floor and the scattered yellow plastic chairs in a futile effort not to count each fucking second as it passes.

.

**X X X**

**Day 1 - 16:57 hours**

I hear his steps before I see him. Slow, lumbering, uncertain. When I look up, I can see that they match his appearance. He's wrecked. Even more so than when I saw him last. Visibly devastated and so terribly, viscerally afraid.

"I finally managed to get through to Gina. Took for fucking ever, but I did it. She's destroyed. She wants to be here so badly, to be with her baby. I had to promise to call every hour to update her before she'd let me hang up."

Kieran sits down in the chair next to me, head lowered, arms resting on his knees. I've never seen him look so lost.

"She said Paddy had to physically pin Cook down to stop him from stealing a jeep and driving to Bristol. I could hear them yelling and swearing in the background. They're like siblings, you know, Cook and Naomi. As much like family as he and Paddy are. Maybe even closer. He'll blame himself for this, the poor fucker. He'll never believe there was nothing he could have done."

Before I can think of how to respond, I see Effy and Katie walking up the hallway, with Effy leaning on pair of crutches to hobble along. She has a large, white bandage taped to her head as well, but at least some of the blood and dust has been cleaned off her face. Katie and I are still filthy with grime and still covered with Naomi's dried blood. We really have to do something about that.

"Hey," I say when they get close enough, "how'd you make out?"

It's Katie who answers when Effy just rolls her eyes.

"Don't mind her. She's just pissed about having to use the crutches. But it's only for a few days to let her hip rest. It's bruised, not fractured, which is good, but she's still being well bitchy about it. Besides that, she got fourteen stitches from her left eyebrow to her above her left ear. Very fucking attractive that is, I must say. But she was very brave, weren't you Eff?"

Effy throws Katie another eye roll at that, and flips her the bird before moving over to the chairs along the wall to carefully take a seat.

Katie moves to the chair next to me and hesitantly sits down. I know she's nervous with me because I sent her away before. So, I just silently reach over and take her hand in mine, holding on tight to let her know that I'm glad she's here. And I am. Now that I have some control over myself again, I'm really glad to have her with me.

The four of us sit in silence as we wait, each wrapped up in our own thoughts. The quiet is oddly comforting at first. But I can feel the air becoming more charged as time goes by without word from the OR.

All four heads snap up in tandem when we hear footsteps approach, but it's just Thomas and JJ. JJ says hello and sits, but Thomas nods as he moves past to approach Kieran.

"Commander. I am deeply sorry for intruding at such a moment, but I was asked to give you a status report. Please know that I am keeping Naomi in my prayers. We all are."

"Thank you. Carry on."

"The pursuit teams are all back and accounted for. I am told that it appears all of those who attacked the base are either dead or captured. Those captured are being transported to Newport for questioning. It was deemed prudent not to return them to this base, which was indeed probably quite wise."

Kieran just nods, acknowledging the statement, with a face like thunder that makes clear just how lucky the bastard attackers are not to be within his reach right now.

"The search for survivors in the damaged buildings is over. Everyone who was missing has been found, either alive or dead. The crews are now working to turn part of the logistics building into a temporary mess-hall, and the Lt. Commander is overseeing all aspects of the operations as per your orders."

"Thank you, Thomas."

"Yes, sir."

Thomas turns towards the rest of us, taking a seat between Katie and Effy. Effy reaches out to touch his shoulder, getting his attention before speaking.

"We haven't properly thanked you, Thomas, for helping to get us out of that fucking hole."

My sister jumps in right away, realizing that Effy's right.

"Yeah, like, thank you Thomas. You were proper amazing."

"There is no need for thanks, I assure you. I am just grateful that I was able to help. I hope your wounds are not too serious, Effy."

"I'll be fine. Just a little beat up. Nothing permanent."

"Very good. I am glad."

Once again, we are left in silence, each lost in our own thoughts. Like statues in some macabre installation. Immobile and impotent, battered and bruised. Waiting.

**XXX**

**Day 1 - 19:22 hours**

It's taking too long. She's been in surgery for hours. We've had no news the entire time.

If you've ever had to do it you know that waiting to find out if someone you love will be okay is different than any other kind of waiting that there is. Completely fucking different and completely fucking horrible. I knew that, intuitively. But living it, actually having to live through it, and to try to keep breathing through it, to keep hoping through it? That's a whole different fucking thing.

Every muscle is taut with the effort to contain myself. I swing between wanting to cry, wanting to scream, wanting to beg and plead. I can't control it. I can't control any of it. And that's absolutely the worst feeling of all. There's no relief, no escape. It's crushing. Absolutely fucking crushing. And there's no way to make it better, to make it easier. There's literally nothing at all that I can do. There's only waiting. And it's fucking killing me. It's tearing the heart right out of me as every possible worst case scenario takes hold and torments me 'til I just want to fly apart into pieces. I could go crazy from this, I think. I really could.

I get a bit of distraction from the chaos in my head as Thomas gets back from a run to find coffee and food. No one's really hungry, but it's been more than a full day since Effy, Katie and I ate anything, so we all try to pick at the muffins and get down at least some of the soup. I can only manage a bite or two, and Effy isn't much better.

She's still sitting a few seats away from the rest of us. I know what she's doing. I can relate. She's building a bubble around herself to contain all the emotions she doesn't want to show and doesn't know what to do with. She isn't good with being helpless either. Even worse than me. Fuck, it's so obvious. You just have to watch her do her medic thing to understand how much she needs to be able to fix things, to fix people. Especially the ones she loves. So to have to just sit here and wait, again, after just getting through sitting at Cook's bedside, after staying by Naomi after Jamie was killed. After everything. Fuck. I can't even imagine what she feels right now.

Glad to have something else to focus on, I stand up and cross the distance between us, sitting down beside her without asking for permission. She loves Naomi and Naomi loves her, and that's all I need to know. So, I place my arm around her shoulder, careful not to touch her bandaged head, and pull her lightly towards me. I'm a surprised, and deeply grateful when she lets me.

"She has a good chance, Emily. If she made it this far she has a good chance."

"Hey. I'm trying to comfort you here, Effy. Wait your turn."

That gets me one short laugh, a snort really. Almost not there at all.

"Sweet thought, Emily. Thanks."

Effy reaches past me and motions with her hand. I realize that Katie's been watching us. At Effy's signal, she moves, choosing to sit on Effy's other side. The three of us lean close, hands linked, taking comfort from each other. Combining our strength so we can hold on, so we can keep waiting, for just a little while longer.

.

**X X X**

**Day 2 - 01:54 hours**

I feel Effy touch my leg and my head snaps up, my heart racing. A doctor is walking towards us, his scrubs stained with blood and his expression tired and grim.

We stand, almost as one, with the same tense look of apprehension and hope on all our faces.

I hold my breath as the doctor approaches Kieran and starts to speak.

"It was touch and go, sir. She lost a lot of blood. She was in shock and hypothermic when she arrived. Her heart stopped twice but we managed to get her back."

Sweet Jesus. My legs start to buckle and Effy drops her crutch to grab my waist and keep me from falling.

"What about the leg. Did she keep her leg?" Kieran rasps, barely able to get the words out.

"For now. Yes. The leg is a mess. It was a perforating trauma, as you know. The lateral quad – the thigh muscle – is shredded and the quad tendon is not much better. But she still has it. We did what we could to clean out the wound and repair the damage. The rebar nicked the thigh bone, but not enough to worry about. But the femoral nerve may have been compromised. We won't know for sure until she tries to walk, if we get that far. It just missed hitting the femoral artery, which is why she's still alive. She was incredibly lucky, Commander. Just a few millimetres more and she wouldn't be here."

I do hit the floor then, my collapse too much for Effy to overcome when I realize exactly how close we came to losing Naomi. Katie drops next to me and holds me close, keeping from spinning out of control completely.

"The real threat is infection. That rod and all the dirt that came with it were in her leg for a long time. If infection sets in we may still have to remove the leg, but for now, I'm hoping it will heal. We've loaded her up with what antibiotics we had on hand, but there is still a huge risk. Only time will tell. The next 24-48 hours are critical. I should get back. I have other patients waiting for surgery. But I'll have someone keep you informed if there are any changes."

Once the doctor's gone, silence descends again. No one moves. Then Effy takes charge.

"Alright. There's no point in all of us sitting here. We all need sleep. So we're going to take turns. The first shift's mine. The rest of you go away. Lie down. Sleep. Come back in the morning when she may be awake."

"I'm staying." I wipe the tears from my face as I speak, Katie helping me as I slowly climb to my feet. I can't leave. I just can't.

"You'll do her more good, Emily, if you're rested and together when she wakes up. She'll need you then. And you can't be a wreck when she sees you. So you should go. Sleep, eat. And get a shower for god's sake, 'cause you smell like something and it ain't roses."

I'm shaking my head, "no", when Katie chimes in, her arms still tight around me.

"She's right, Ems. You need to rest so you can be strong for Naomi when she wakes up. Effy will come get you if anything happens, right Eff?"

"I will. I promise."

I look back and forth between them, my common sense battling with my heart. I know they're right, but it feels like a betrayal to be anywhere else but here.

"She won't know you're not here now, Emily. But if you collapse when she's awake because you were too stubborn to sleep, she'll know it then. Stop being selfish and go sleep."

Fucking hell. Why does she have to be right all the fucking time?

"Okay, Effy. I'll go. But I'll be back in a few hours."

Katie leans in towards Effy and whispers, "I'd stay with you, but Emily…"

"I know. Now go. Take care of her."

I can't even object. I'm too tired and sore and scared not to let my sister help me. I need her more than I ever have and I'm just grateful that she's here.

.

**X X X**

**Day 2 - 06:03 hours **

I wake suddenly, thrown upright by the terror of the nightmare, my chest heaving and my eyes darting wildly around the room until I am able to ground myself. Katie. Katie's beside me. I'm in my room. It was a dream. Just a dream. Thank fuck.

But then I remember. It's not just a dream. And the nightmare isn't over just because I woke up.

I know I won't be able to sleep again, so I carefully slip out of the bed, making sure not to wake Katie as I do. I scribble her a note and then get dressed and slip out of the room. I'm glad now that she made me take a shower before we went to bed. I don't want to waste any more time before getting back to the hospital wing.

When I arrive, I find my way to Naomi's room. I stop outside the door, paralyzed by fear. Terrified by what I might find on the other side. I'm shaking again. My whole body convulsing with the strain. I close my eyes, trying to breathe through the building panic attack. Once. Twice. Again. My fists slowly unclench and my chin lifts from my chest. Okay. It's okay. Here we go.

I open my eyes, my hand reaching out to pull the door open as I channel all my will power to make myself walk into the room.

The first thing I see is Effy. She's on the far side of the bed, curled up into a chair, staring at the head of the bed which is blocked from my view by a curtain.

"I really need to stop finding myself keeping vigil over the people I love."

Her voice is soft. Flat. She could be talking about anything, about the weather. But I know that she's just told me a most fundamental truth. Her most pressing need right now is to not ever have to live through something like this again.

"I know."

I cross further into the room to the near side of the bed. I gasp when I see her. Naomi's face is ashen, bright red streaks criss-crossing it where she was cut and scratched by the falling stone. Bruises showing up over her fractured cheek. Her right leg is outside the blankets, propped on pillows and swathed from hip to shin in clean, white bandages, the whiteness broken by more vibrant, gut-curdling red where her wound has bled through.

She looks so fragile. So broken.

I pull another chair close to her side and take her hand in mine as I sit. It's cold. Limp. She doesn't respond to my touch at all and my heart breaks just a little more.

"Oh, Naomi. Fucking hell." I'm crying again. You'd think I'd have run out of tears by now, but I seem to have a never ending well of them where Naomi is concerned.

"She's holding her own so far, Emily. No sign of infection yet, and her vitals are starting to stabilize. It's still not good. But she's holding her own."

"Thanks, Effy."

I'm touched that she's trying to comfort me. I know that's not her normal style, and it means a great deal that she's chosen to take care of me as well, to make me part of her clan. She's not quite who I thought she was. And I realize that I like this Effy. This woman who stands so strongly, so unflinchingly by her friends, and fights so hard to keep them safe and make them whole.

Katie told me about the hours they spent in the rubble before I got to them. She told me how Effy helped her, even from the other side of the wall. How she comforted her in the dark and taught her how to take care of Naomi. With each piece of the story I found myself more and more impressed, and more and more wanting to know her better. I owe her so much and I barely know her at all.

"Thank you for taking care of them, yeah. Naomi and Katie both. She told me how you helped her. How you talked to her so she wouldn't be so frightened. She… like… I'm really grateful, Effy."

"No worries. How is Katie?"

"She was still sleeping when I left. She'll be pissed at me for sneaking out, but didn't want to wake her. I know what happened took more out of her than she's saying."

Effy just nods, her eyes still on Naomi. But I can see her body relax just slightly when I tell her Katie's okay.

"You love them, don't you? Both of them."

Effy looks at me then, staring long and hard before she answers.

"Yes. I do. Not in the same way. But yes."

I can't help but give her a small smile when she admits it. I like that she is becoming more open with me. It means a lot.

"She's worth it, you know. Katie is." I can't help but remember Effy saying the same thing to me about Naomi not long ago.

"She drives me bat shit a lot of the time, but she's pretty amazing under it all. I don't know if she can give you what you want, Effy. I really don't. But she can be a good friend at least. If you'll let her."

Effy just keeps looking at me with that enigmatic stare before she gives me one small nod and turns back to Naomi.

"It's your turn to sleep, Eff."

"Can't do that."

"You need to sleep."

"No."

She's such a stubborn arse.

"Sleep here. That way you'll still be close and I'll stay awake and I'll wake you if there's any change."

I can see her mulling the idea, calculating if that would live up to her code, the Effy code of love and friendship.

"Okay."

I watch as she shifts to get comfortable on the inherently uncomfortable chair, wincing when her injured hip brushes the arm rest. It doesn't take long before she slips into a troubled sleep. She's exhausted. She's been awake for days, injured and worried. It's amazing that she managed to stay awake as long as she did.

The tranquility in her face when she sleeps is startling. She seems younger. Not quite vulnerable – Effy never looks vulnerable. But less guarded. Less controlled. Very human. The sense of danger and control that usually surrounds her drained away. She's beautiful. Even covered in bandages and bruises, she's beautiful.

I look around the room. There's not much to it. Small. Cold. Bare. Institutional. No windows. No decoration. The salvaged medical equipment is arranged for utility, not comfort. The bed is standard hospital issue. Naomi looks so small where she lies. The only sound is the slow drip, drip of the IV lines.

After an hour or so a nurse pops in to check Naomi's vital signs. Effy rouses only enough to understand that everything is okay before falling back into her uneasy slumber.

I find myself staring at Naomi. I want to be closer to her, but I'm afraid of hurting her. I'm still scared. She looks like hell and we still don't know if she'll keep her leg. But being able to see her has eased my terror. The clear confirmation that she's still alive, even though so badly hurt, has broken through the worst of my fear. Even unconscious she makes me feel better. She makes me stronger.

It's still strange to me to feel this much for her. I mean, I haven't known her long. Not at all. And yet. And yet... From the first moment I saw her I think I knew that we'd end up here. I could feel it. We're meant to be together. I'm meant for her and she's meant for me. That's why I couldn't walk away. Even when she tried so hard to make me, even when she was being an infuriating cunt I couldn't let her go.

She's probably going to try to push me away again now that she's hurt. Her misguided fucking martyr complex will tell her to save me from having to deal with that. No bloody way, though. I'm not going anywhere. She's just going to have to accept that and let me be the strong one for a while. Fuck, I hope she can figure that out without putting us both through more shit.

She might, though. I mean, she did tell me about Jamie. She did take me to the ridge and then let me in after. So maybe. Maybe we'll be okay.

I'd do anything to wake up each day to those brilliant blue eyes, to sleep each night wrapped in her arms. I want to feel her touch, her caress. Whether wild and fierce like our first time, or gentle and loving like the last. I want to build dreams together and then chase those dreams and make them real. I want her. I just simply want _her_. But she has to wake up first. She has to fight and she has to wake up.

As I'm lost in my thoughts I hear a faint groan from bed. I scramble to my feet, leaning close to her. Her eyelids are twitching. Her face contorted in pain.

"…hurts…"

"Naomi, it's me. It's Emily. Can you wake up for me, Naoms? Come on. Please wake up for me, baby."

She groans again, her hands twitching beside her.

"Effy!"

She's there in flash, leaning in from the other side of the bed, grabbing Naomi's hand with one of hers and softly touching her face with the other.

"Alright, Naomi. Time to wake up. Come on, girl. Wake up for me now."

"Oh, fuck…"

"That's it. That's it, come on."

"Fuck, it hurts…"

"Okay, Nai. We're going to get you something for the pain. I promise. Just open your eyes for me, okay? Come on, Naomi. Open your eyes."

We both hold our breath, watching her eyelids flutter. And then suddenly we're faced with the most beautiful blue in the world. Her eyes. Her glorious, beautiful, wonderful fucking eyes.

She's awake.

.

**X X X**

**Sorry about the delay. There are a few reasons for it but mostly it was just really hard to make myself sit down and write this part. Hospital scenes still hit a little too close to home for me, expecially with needing to get into Emily's head and lay out all those familiar emotions and fears. Next one shouldn't take as long.  
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**Hit the button and tell me what you think. Makes me happy when you do!  
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	21. Of Hopes and Fears

**I don't own Skins. Someone should really do something about that…**

**Chapter 21 - Of Hopes and Fears.**

**Day 2 - 14:41**

**Emily **

"Emily. Stop pacing."

I ignore her.

"Seriously, stop pacing. It's not helping."

"Fuck off."

"She'll be alright, Emily. Just relax."

Platitudes. She's giving me fucking _platitudes_ at a time like this? No way. I halt mid-step and swing back towards her, moving right into her space, nose to nose.

"You don't know that, Effy. You saw how they reacted. They kicked us out of there like the room was on fire." She doesn't even blink, just stares back at me with one eye-brow cocked. I step back from her and pace some more.

"Something's wrong."

"Emily, nothing's wrong. They just need to check her out now that she's awake."

"Yeah? Then why so many of them? It's like a fucking physicians' convention in there! How can that be normal?"

"Emily, calm down. They're not all doctors. Some are nurses and some are techs."

"I want to see her."

"I know you do. So do I. And we will just as soon as they finish examining her, okay?"

I take a deep breath, my hands clenching into fists. So close, I was so fucking close. And now I'm stuck out in this fucking hallway.

"How can you be so calm? How can you just stand there, leaning against the wall? How do you do that?"

All I get from her is a one-shoulder shrug before my frustrated response is interrupted by the sound of Kieran coming around the corner at full speed.

"She's awake?"

Effy shifts herself off the wall to move toward him, speaking as she goes. "Yes, Kieran, she's awake. The doctors are in with her now assessing her. She was in pain when she woke, but I'm sure they will give her something for that. The good news is that she recognized us and she was able to talk. So it looks as though she hasn't suffered any cognitive harm. It's all good news right now, Kieran."

As Effy is speaking, Kieran's face morphs through a myriad of expressions from fear and torment to relief and joy and back again, ending up on one of such palpable relief that I can't help but cross the short distance between us to pull him into another bone-shattering hug, reaching out to grasp Effy's arm as I do. Between the three of us, the amount of love for Naomi contained in this small hallway could power a city. Eventually, we break apart again, taking up stations around the small space to continue the vigil.

"I'm going to wait to talk to the doctors once they're done in there." Kieran's voice is still rough and devoid of the forcefulness that I have come to expect from him when he is acting as the Commander of this base. He's tired, and clearly as emotionally spent as the rest of us. "I'll call Gina again once I know the latest. If all goes well on this end, she and Cook will come down in a week or so, once Naomi's able to move around a bit and we've had time to arrange an escort for them."

I'm glad to hear that. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for Gina to know that Naomi's hurt and yet not be able to get to her. And Cook… well, I half expected him to walk here if he had to. Gina must be working hard to get him to agree to wait until they can travel safely.

Finally, after another interminable wait, the door opens and the medical personnel start flowing out of Naomi's room. A man whom I presume is the lead doctor splits off to speak to Kieran, and Effy and I move close enough to listen in.

"She's awake and alert, Commander. She was in a lot of pain so we medicated her. She'll be a bit loopy for a while because of it, but she can have visitors. No more than two at a time, please.

"Her leg?"

"There are some signs of infection, but it is under control at least for now. The base in Cardiff shipped us some additional supplies including a more potent antibiotic, so we're applying that to your daughter. I expect that will resolve the infection in due course. There's still a risk that it could get out of control, but for now I'm pleased with the progress."

"There were other injuries, her face and ribs…"

"They're healing well so far. The bruising on her face from the fracture is pronounced, but it will fade. Her ribs will hurt as they heal, but the wrappings we've placed on her will help. I want to give her a day or so to rest and recover, and then we'll start working with the leg. We need to find out if there's nerve damage or not, and I want to get her on her feet as soon as possible to minimize the amount of muscle atrophy. We have to take it day by day, but for now, things are going as well as we can expect."

"Thank you, Doctor."

The doctor accepts Kieran's outstretched hand and shakes it before heading up the hall to resume his other rounds.

"Okay, lassies, you take the first visit while I go give Gina the good news. I'll kick one of you out when I get back. In the meantime, tell her I love her and I'll see her soon."

As I watch Kieran walk away, I feel Effy's warm hand slide into mine and her shoulder softly connect with my own.

"Come on then, Emily. It's time."

I turn my head to look at her, and take strength from the affection and certainty that I see in her eyes.

"Okay."

We enter the room together, with Effy holding the door for me to enter first. As soon as we cross past the curtain barrier, Naomi's voice rings out.

"Emilyyyyyyyy! It's Emily! You're so pretty! Isn't she pretty, Effy?" Naomi's still spread out on the bed, but she's waving her hands around wildly as she speaks. Her pupils are completely blown and she's sporting a huge, ear splitting grin.

"Good meds, Nai?" Effy cackles with a grin.

"Huh?"

"Never mind. How do you feel?"

Naomi pokes her belly then answers, "Soft and squishy." I laugh as she shifts her hands to her head, saying, "And a little crunchy. My hair is crunchy. Why is my hair crunchy, Effy?"

"Don't worry about that right now, Naoms. I'll help you wash up as soon as they let me." I watch as Naomi's head swings wildly to my side of the bed and she remembers once again that I'm in the room.

"Emilyyyyyyy. Hey Effy, it's Emily! Emily, Pemily, Pudding and Pie. If I can't kiss you, I'm just gonna die! You're so pretty, Emily!"

Oh my god. She's singing. And rhyming. And apparently _really_ flying. Those must be really good meds.

Effy can't keep the laughter out of her voice, and I can totally understand why. "Okay. This isn't going to be very productive. So, now that we know she's more or less okay, I'm going to go grab some sleep while the meds wear off a bit. You'll stay here, right Emily? And you'll let me know if anything changes?"

"I'll will, Effy. I promise."

"She should be quite entertaining for a while. Take note of the best bits so you can tell me later."

Effy steps closer to Naomi, bestowing the forehead kiss that I am coming to recognize as quintessentially her. She leans down close to Naomi's left ear and whispers, "Glad you're back with us again, Nai. It would've really sucked if you hadn't made it."

Naomi beams a happy smile up at Effy, and rubs her hand across Effy's face. "Love you, Eff."

"I love you, too, Naomi. Get some rest."

I think I see Effy wipe a tear from her eye as she moves toward to the door, but I can't be sure.

"Sweet dreams, Effy."

She raises her hand in acknowledgement, but doesn't look back as she walks out of the room.

I turn back to see Naomi's eyes locked on me, and her right arm stretched towards me in invitation, with her hand opened and closing to beckon me toward her. I step to her side, taking her hand in mine and revelling in the sheer joy of feeling her warm skin respond to mine once again. I raise her hand to my lips, kissing it softly before running it along my face. I feel more grounded already, more secure, just from this small connection. I hope Naomi does, too.

"How do you feel, Nai?"

She blinks twice, slowly, as if she has to take the time to process what I've asked. She's really stoned from whatever they gave her.

"I feel… weird. It hurts, kind of. But doesn't at the same time, you know? And I'm crunchy. I don't like that. But it's okay. 'Cause you're here. You are here, right? I'm not just dreaming again?"

"I'm here, Naoms. I'm really here. And I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay. That's good. You should keep doing that."

I have to laugh at that. Her eyes are drooping as she speaks and I can see that she's slipping into sleep. I want to keep talking with her but I know that she needs to rest. So I just watch as she drifts off, cataloging what I see as I memorize every inch of her.

Her left cheek is almost black from the bruising over the fracture. There are several long, jagged red scratches and nicks across her face and neck and hands. Her skin is so pale it's almost ghost-like. Except for the parts that were cleaned off to treat her, she's covered in grit and grime and blood. Her hair is dark with dried sweat and lies across her pillow in rough tangles. But despite all that, despite how battered and broken and flat-out filthy she is, I know without doubt that there's no view on earth that I would trade for the one before me right now. I place my hand gently on her chest so that I can feel the slow rise and fall of her breathing, staying that way for a few moments to revel in the reassurance that each successive breath provides. Then I pull a chair over to the bedside and sit down, lowering my head to the mattress on my crossed arms to try to catch a little more sleep myself.

She's alive, and healing, and lying within my sight and touch. And for right now that's all I need.

**.**

**X X X**

**Naomi**

**Day 2 - 18:11**

Emily is sleeping. I woke up a little while ago because my leg is starting to hurt. But When I saw her there, her head resting on her arms across the edge of my bed, her face so peaceful and so beautiful, I could not make myself wake her up so could reach the call button. I'd rather wait a bit, and watch her.

I feel a little more myself now. The wild ride from the meds has worn off and I can actually think straight, more or less. I remember bits and pieces from the hole, but not much. Mostly just pain, and being afraid. It was so fucking dark down there, and not being able to move hardly at all, knowing there was something sticking through my leg - well, I am almost glad I kept passing out because otherwise I think I would have had a full scale panic attack.

I am trying to get a sense of what kind of shape I'm in now, but it is hard to tell. My face hurts, and my side. But the worst is my leg. I know the doctor talked to me about it, but the details of what he said are really fuzzy. I know it can't be good though. It's just a question of how bad it's going to be.

I shift a bit to try to lift the blankets so I can get a look at it. That motion is just enough to rouse Emily. She lifts her head, her eyes blinking slowly as she wakes. She jumps when she realizes that I am looking back at her.

"Oh my God! Naomi, you're awake!"

"I know. So are you, I see. I didn't mean to wake you. I'm sorry.

"No, no. Not all all."

She rubs her eyes, and brushes her hair off her face with her hands.

"How do you feel?"

"Not bad. A little sore maybe."

Emily immediately stands up and starts moving towards the door.

"Hey! Where are you going?"

"Just to ask the nurse for more meds. I'll be right back."

She smiles reassuringly at me as she slips through the doorway. I could get used to seeing that smile every day.

Now that she is gone, I take the opportunity to lift the blankets and peak at my leg. It's a bit of a let down, as all I can see is a huge bandage. There is no way to know what is under it. I gently run my hand down across it, trying to get some sense of what lies beneath. I jump and have to bite down to avoid screaming when my hand runs over the spot where I assume the rebar puncture was. Holy fuck that hurts! Surely it wouldn't hurt so badly unless something was really wrong.

The door creaks open and Emily steps through. "The nurse will be here in a minute with more pain meds."

She must see something in my face because she picks up her pace and crosses to my side. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing, I… It's just… Jesus, Emily, what's wrong with my leg?"

She sits down beside me, a frown marring her perfect face.

"It's okay, Naoms. They got cleaned it and repaired it and they think it will be okay. Don't worry about it now. You just focus on getting better."

The door creaks again, and a nurse walks in holding a small, white paper cup. "Hello, Naomi. I have your medication."

She leans past Emily to pour some water in another cup, and then hands the pills and the water to me, and waits. I realize that she isn't going to leave until I take the pills, so I do it, handing her back the empty cups.

"Let me know if you need anything else." With that, the nurse quickly leaves the room, leaving Emily and me alone once again.

I look back to Emily, locking my eyes on hers, trying to see anything that will tell me how serious this is, how _bad_ this is.

"Emily…"

"Really, Naomi. You shouldn't worry about it now. They operated on you and they fixed the tears. Now you just need to let things heal."

I can feel myself starting to get drowsy. My head is starting to drop and I can't seem to focus. But I know I want to know more. "Emily, what's the rest of the story? There has to be more to it than you are telling me."

"You should rest, Naomi. We can talk about this when you wake up, okay? You can talk to the doctor then. But for now, you really should just sleep, Love. Just lie back and try to sleep, okay?"

I want to argue. I want to know more. But I can't… I…

My head drops back on the pillow against my will, and I slip into a deep, restless sleep, filled with anxious, fear-driven dreams.

.

**X X X**

**Day 2 – 20:37**

"When did you guys do the changing of the guard?"

I know I startled Effy when I spoke, but she covers it well.

"Hello to you, too, Nai."

"Where's Emily?"

"I sent her to get something to eat. She'll be back soon. I didn't realize you were awake."

"Only just."

"Feeling any better? You were pretty high before."

"So-so. Pretty much everything hurts, but it's manageable for now. Still tired, though."

"That's to be expected. Your body's had a pretty serious shock. It's going to take time to get over that."

"Yeah. Eff…"

"Hmm?"

"I know something is wrong. With my leg. I asked Emily, but she didn't want to tell me. And I know that means it's really bad. Otherwise she would have just said, right? I mean, surely if nothing's wrong she would have just said that. So would you…please? I need to know, Effy. I need you to tell me what are they saying. How bad is it, really? I mean, I'm going crazy here thinking of all the worst that could happen. I just really need to know, Effy. However bad it is, I really need to know…I mean, fuck, Effy! Am I going to walk? Am I going to lose it? What the fuck is going on?"

"Whoa. It's okay. Relax, Nai. Deep breaths."

She watches me as I struggle to do what she asked, focussing on breathing in and breathing out until some of the anxiety disappears. I am scared to death. My foot is numb, and that can't be good. And I can't seem to make my leg move. Every time I think about how bad it could be I want to throw up.

"The muscle is torn, but should recover for the most part. They repaired the ligament tear. The femoral nerve may be damaged. They don't know yet. But don't freak out. It could just as easily be fine. You have an infection, but so far it's responding to the antibiotics. "

"And if it stops responding?"

"I won't bullshit you, Nai. If the infection gets worse you could lose your leg. But that's not where we are. The drugs are working and you just have to believe they will keep working. Alright? You have to stay positive."

I watch for any sign of deception in her eyes, but all I see is honesty and care.

"What about the rest?"

"Everything else will heal with time. Fractured cheek, broken ribs, cuts and bruises. Nothing too serious, just painful. Speaking of… do you need some more meds?"

"Not yet. They make me sleepy and I don't want to sleep yet. I want to talk some more."

"Okay. We can do that. How about I start? You planning to stop being a twat any time soon?"

"Uh… excuse me?"

What the fuck? I'm lying here scared to death and she's taking pot shots at me?

"Emily. You ran. Again. Ergo: you are acting like a twat. And I want to know if you plan to stop doing that anytime soon."

"I'm trying, Effy…"

"Not good enough."

"I know. I know. But I think she's forgiven me."

"Not the point. Well, not the whole point."

Effy sighs, clearly uncomfortable with having this conversation with me - let's face it, our last few discussions on this subject haven't exactly gone well - but bound and fucking determined to do it anyway.

"You have to start letting her in, Nai. And you have to stop pushing her away."

"I know. And I'll try. But she may feel different now. I mean, I'm not exactly in good shape here. I don't want her to feel obligated if things go south."

"Jesus, you really _are_ a twat. What the fuck, Naomi. Just talk to her. She can help you. She _wants_ to help you. All you have to do is get your head out of your arse and let her. I guarantee you she won't run unless you make her."

"I'm trying!"

"Try harder."

I am saved from having to respond when the door opens. I see Emily stick her head around. As she does, Effy hops up.

"Right. That's my cue. I'll be back in a few hours, Emily. Don't let her give you any shit while I'm gone."

Effy throws me her best "smarten up" glare as she leaves. Jesus.

Emily crosses to me with a huge smile on her face, taking my hands as soon as I reach out for hers. She gingerly sits on the edge of the bed, taking care not to jar any of my injuries.

"Hey, Naoms. You look a bit more like yourself." There is so much love and warmth in her voice it's like being wrapped up in my favourite blanket.

"I feel a bit more like me, too. I'm sorry about earlier. I hope I wasn't too embarrassing."

"No, not _too_ embarrassing. Just embarrassing enough, actually. It was cute." I have to laugh at the slightly wicked grin she lets cross her face, even as I worry about just how much of a fool I made of myself. But she quickly reassures me that I didn't say much before falling asleep.

"How are you doing?"

"…Okay."

"Naomi, how are you _really_ doing?" She has my hand in both of hers now, and gently squeezes to emphasize her question. I know she wants a real answer. I just don't know what to say. When I look up at her eyes she holds my gaze, waiting patiently for me to find the words. I am surprised, but then again not, when the words pop out of me.

"I'm scared."

"Yeah, I can understand that."

"I could lose my leg, Em." I break our eye contact, my head dropping down so I can focus instead on my leg, hiding the fear and insecurity I know she would see in my eyes. But she gently raises a hand to my chin, forcing my head up until she can once again look directly into my face.

"I know. I don't think it's going to happen, though. The meds are working."

"Even if I don't lose it, I might never walk again."

"I know that, too. Again, I don't think that's going to happen. But if it does, I'll be here with you. Whatever happens I'll be with you all the way. And I'll be glad to have you, no matter what."

"Even if everything could still go tits up with this?" I tap my leg to tell her what I mean, and she reaches out to still my hand.

"Yes. I want to be with you. I will always want to be with you."

"Even if I never walk again?"

"Even then."

"Even if I lose my… even if they have to…"

"Naoms, you aren't going to lose your leg. But even if you did, I'd still be right here, right beside you. I promise. Okay?"

"Okay." I can feel the tears of relief stinging my eyes as Emily leans over the bed to pull me into her arms. She pulls back to wipe my face with her shirt sleeve, smiling her most loving smile at me.

"Okay then. You just concentrate on getting better, and I'll take care of the rest."

"Yeah, alright. I can do that. I want to do that."

That earns me another beautiful smile and a soft, but meaningful kiss, before she brushes the hair off my forehead and tucks it gently behind my ear.

"You should try to sleep."

"Will you be here when I wake up?"

"Yes."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Okay. I love you, Emily Fitch."

"I love you, too, Naomi Campbell."

I cling to the image of her beautiful smile as I close my eyes and relax and let myself slide back into sleep. This time it is calm and healing with no dreams to disturb me.

.

**X X X**

**Day 3 – 8:52 hours**

**Naomi**

"Good morning, Naomi. You're looking sexy. You heard of a shower?"

"Fuck off, Katie. You have no idea what I would give to be able to have one."

"You should get Emily to give you a sponge bath. I'm sure she'd _love_ that!"

"Fuck off, Katie." Emily is _not_ amused.

"Chill, Emily. Just joking, yeah."

"Well don't. Look, I'm supposed to finish my reports this morning. If I leave you two together do you promise not to kill each other?"

"We will be fine, Emily. Go do what you have to do. Just come back as soon as you can, okay?"

"I will. I'll be back in about an hour. Katie, you be nice while I'm gone!"

I see Katie scowl at Emily as Emily bends down to give me a kiss. It serves her right for stirring the pot. But I'm not going to give Katie a hard time. I owe her too much for that.

As the door closes behind Emily, I shift my gaze to where her twin is standing. "Thanks, Katie."

"No need. There's nothing to thank me for."

"That's not true. You took care of me. I know that wasn't easy. And I want to thank you for it."

"Truly, Naomi, I didn't do anything special. I just did what Effy told me to do. I'm just glad it worked out."

"Me too."

There is an awkward pause as she takes a seat and we both struggle to find something to talk about. There is something on my mind, but I'm not sure this is the right time. Still, why not? Next to what is going to happen to my leg, my most pressing concern right now is Effy. I think she could be setting herself up for a breakdown, and the key to whether or not that concern is real is Katie.

"I heard you talking with Effy, when we were in the hole."

"Yeah? I knew you were in and out a lot, but it was hard to tell when you were awake. What did you hear?"

"She told you her story." I can see that Katie is surprised that I am bringing that up, but she doesn't answer.

"She doesn't usually talk about that, Katie. Even with Cook and me. You must know what it means that she told you."

Effy _never_ talks about that. _Ever_. And the only reason I can think of that she told Katie is that she's actually falling in love with her. And if Katie can't ever feel the same way, then god only knows how Effy will react.

"I know."

I am watching Katie, trying to read between the lines to see what she's thinking. But she's blanking me, her face telling me nothing at all.

"What I mean is, you know she likes you, right? As in "wants you", likes you."

"Uh… well…"

Oh for fuck's sake. "Come on, Katie. Even you can't be that blind."

Well, now I can read her face - the totally pissed off look is pretty obvious.

"Fuck off, Naomi. Of course I know. I'm just not sure she'd want me talking to _you_ about it, that's all. It's private."

Her anger disappears as fast as it arrived, and her body language starts to read as uncertain. I can't remember ever seeing Katie seem uncertain before.

"Besides, she hasn't said anything right out to me. Not exactly. But … yeah. I know. She's different with me. It's… she's just different, that's all."

Okay, I can at least tell that Katie does care for Effy. Whether romantically or not I don't know. I just need her to understand just how careful she needs to be.

"Please, _please_ don't fuck with her, Katie. Don't hurt her. If you can't like her like that so be it. Get in or get out, but please don't mess with her heart."

"I'm not planning on fucking with her. Jesus. Who do you think I am?"

"I'm sorry, Katie. I don't mean to sound like a bitch here. But you don't get it. You don't know her like I do. She's not like everyone else, Katie. She's a lot more fragile than she looks."

How can I make Katie understand, without sending her running for the hills?

"Her mom used to call her a beautiful bomb, you know? All fire and energy. And when it's contained, God, Katie, it can so be beautiful, spectacular even - she's like the brightest star and the most amazing fireworks all rolled into one."

I look back at Katie to be sure she's listening. I don't want to screw this for Effy, but Katie needs to know. She needs to understand just how serious this is.

"You have to remember that bombs can explode, Katie. _Effy_ can explode. And when she did before, the damage was overwhelming."

I can see that Katie is starting to freak out. I don't want that. I really want her to go for this if there is a real chance that it could work.

"You have to treat her carefully, Katie, that much is true. You can't knock her about. But she cares about you, she really cares. She'd probably kill me for saying this to you, but I love her too much not to. She cares about you, and if there is chance that you might care for her too, that would be awesome, fucking incredible really. So, what I'm asking is for you to be sure what you want, and to be really clear with her if you don't want what she does. That's all. You can't lead her on, Katie. If you can't want her back that way, you need to tell her."

I sit, waiting to see how Katie will respond. This could go either way. I could have helped, or I could have completely fucked things up. I am surprised by how quiet she is when she answers, how reserved.

"Look Naomi. This is really none of your business. But I know you are doing this because she's your friend. So I'll tell you this much. I won't lead her on. I promise I'm not going to do that."

I can tell Katie is uncomfortable because she has to stand up. She gets up to walk around the room, pacing as she speaks.

"I'm just… not entirely sure what I want, Naomi, not yet. I mean, if I'm honest, I think maybe I do like her. I mean, she's fucking Effy Stonem, for fuck's sake. She's like, fucking amazing. And it doesn't hurt that she's well fit and all. I mean, if I was ever to… and I don't know if I ever could… but like, if I ever did… I mean, together we'd like, be like totally hot, right? I mean, like dragon fire level of hot. But it's just that... She's just, like… she's the most amazing person I've ever met, Naomi. She saved my sister and Cook. She saved you. And she saved me. I was terrified down in that hole, absolutely fucking terrified. And she made me feel… safe. Well, safer anyway. She was… She was incredible."

"And…"

"And I don't know. I honestly don't know if I can like her the way she likes me. But the more I think about it the more I think maybe I would like to find out. At the very least I want to be her friend. But I need to figure it all out. And that means that right now I really need you to stay the fuck out of it so I can do that. I need you to promise me, Naomi. Just let us sort this out ourselves, okay?"

I am staring at Katie, trying to decide if she means what she's saying, if she's sincere. I am amazed to realize that I think she is. Maybe there's more to Katie Fitch than I thought.

"Okay."

"Really?"

"Yes, Katie. Really. I'll stay out of your way. But if you hurt her, I promise that you will have to deal with me. And you won't like it."

Katie stares at me for a moment, before nodding her head and sitting back down by the bedside.

"Okay. I can live with that."

And just like that, I think I've made a friend of Katie Fitch.

.

**X X X**

**Day 3 – 10:33 hours**

"I wish I could take a shower and wash my hair." I am talking to Emily who got back about 20 minutes ago. I'm itchy from being so dirty and I'm desperate to get clean.

"I know. But with all the bandages that's not going to happen for a while."

"I'm gross. It's disgusting."

"Well, I could give you that sponge bath Katie was talking about…"

I know damn well I am blushing at the thought of that, the bloody tease. I can feel the heat radiating from my cheeks.

"What's the matter, Naoms? Why so shy all of a sudden? I have seen it all before, remember."

She's having way to much fun with this, and it's all at my expense.

"You are not helping here, Ems."

"Okay. I'll stop teasing. But seriously, I'm sure it would be okay for me to try to clean you up a bit if you'd like. You'll feel better if I do…"

"Uh, that's alright, Ems. I'll wait."

"But why? I'll be careful…"

"I know, it's not that, it's just... I'm just… Oh jeez. Look, I don't know if I want you to see me naked when I'm so dirty, alright?"

"Oh. So you're telling me that you'd prefer to have some random nurse clean your lady bits than me? Well, thanks a lot, Naoms."

"No! No, I didn't mean it like that!"

"I know what I'm going to see, Naoms. Cuts and bruises and blood and dirt. And I know what's under all that dirt, too. So, please don't be embarrassed. You'll feel better once you're cleaned up a bit, and I want to give that to you. I love you and I want to do this for you, okay?"

"…Okay." I can't dispute the truth of her words, and if I'm honest, the thought of her hands helping to make me clean again is pretty enticing, even if I am embarrassed about her seeing me looking so filthy and gross.

While Emily heads to the nursing station to get a basin and cloths to work with, I try to psyche myself up for what I am going to see, too. I know I've been hurt. I can feel that pretty much everywhere. But I haven't yet seen the full scope of it because I've been in this bloody Johnnie shirt. I am a little scared to actually see the all the damage.

Emily is back before I realize it, setting up a series of bowls and sponges and towels. Fucking hell! How many people is she planning to bathe? She must see my confusion because she speaks up. "I'm going to try to clean your hair a bit, too, so I brought extra towels and stuff."

I watch as she thinks through how to proceed, with the tip of her tongue sticking out of her mouth as she works. She is adorable.

"Hair first, I think. That way if any of the goo drips down it won't matter."

Goo? Jesus. That is just _not_ attractive.

Emily raises the head of my bed so that I can move into a sitting position, taking great to be sure that I am comfortable as she does. We have to shift my leg carefully a couple of times to adjust for the change, but it feels alright so far.

Once I'm in position, Emily grabs a handful of towels and lays them under my head and shoulders to help keep the bed dry. Then she wets another towel in one of the steaming bowls of clean water before bringing it to my head and using it to dampen my filthy hair. Once my hair is wet enough, she grabs some shampoo and slowly works it into a lather as she rubs it over my head. The feeling is so amazing that I think I actually purred. Her fingers massage my scalp in a slow, steady rhythm and I would happily let her keep doing it forever.

Once she has washed all of my hair, she wets another towel to clean the lather off me, and then starts again with another repeat of shampoo. This time when she's done she uses more towels to rinse the soap out of my hair, and then takes fresh towels to dry the now recognizably blond strands. She leaves a towel draped across my shoulders to catch the drips and steps back to review her handiwork.

"I think you had it easier washing mine on the picnic table. At least then it didn't matter if the water dripped around a bit. How does it feel?"

I can't help smiling as I remember back to that afternoon. It seems like a long time ago now. "It feels great, thank you. Much better."

"It's not completely clean. I mean, it's hard to do with so little water. But it's a lot better. I'll give it a brush once we have the rest of you cleaned up."

Emily reaches out to where the Johnnie shirt is tied behind my neck and whispers in my ear, "May I?"

"Uh… yes. Yes." There is an audible shake in my voice, but really, you try not to react when Emily Fitch asks to disrobe you!

She lowers the shirt to my waist, exposing my arms, breasts and torso. I realize that I should probably feel self-conscious about being naked like this, but Emily is not looking at me in a sexual way. Her eyes are taking inventory of every cut and bruise, and her hands are already moving to the soap and water. I know that her only focus right now is to take care of me and help me get clean. As I watch her, I realize that for the first time in my life I have no problem with someone trying to do that, to take care of me. More than that, I am relieved that Emily is here. And I am profoundly glad to have her to lean on. Maybe there's hope for me yet.

Her hands move carefully across my body, gently wiping away the dirt and blood that covers me. She has to keep changing the rinse water as it darkens, but her patience is endless and her concentration complete. Bit by bit, inch by inch, my pale skin is revealed, slowly, lovingly, until my front is finished.

"Do you think you can lean forward so that I can do your back?"

"Good question. I'm not sure." Emily leans in behind me to help and between us we are able to get me into a comfortable position that allows her enough room to clean off my back. As she works, she lets her free hand move across my skin, her nails softly scratching my back in a soothing way. Her touch is so tender, so imbued with care and affection, that the gesture once again brings happy tears to my eyes. I will never get enough of this girl.

Emily dries my back, and then slips my arms back into the shirt before re-tying the laces and helping me lower myself onto the towel-covered bed.

"Right. Naughty bits are next. You still okay?"

I duck to hide my once again raging blush and mumble, "Mmm-hmm."

She chuckles quietly as she shifts my shirt up above my hips, and tugs the blankets down to my feet. My "good" leg looks awful. It is so bruised that it is hard to distinguish between the dirt and my skin. Apparently it got squished under some kind of pillar or something. It's swollen, too, but not nearly as much as the "bad" leg. The bandage on that one runs from just below my pelvis to just above my knee. I'm glad that I can't see what lies below the white wrapping, especially knowing now just how sensitive it is. The doctor told me that I'll have an impressive scar. It will be long and jagged because of the way my leg tore. He did his best to clean it up, but he's not a plastic surgeon and he had other priorities at the time, so it won't be pretty even after it heals.

"Let's get started, eh?" Emily's voice rouses me from my thoughts, and I lean back to give her room to move.

"Right. I'm going to dive right in a wash your vag first so we get that out of the way, alright?"

I can tell she's looking at me, waiting for my consent. Fuck this is embarrassing. This is _not_ how I want Emily thinking about my vag! Still, I'd rather it be her doing this than a stranger, so I suck it up and agree. "Yeah. Ready."

With that she starts another round of careful cleaning, moving from my waist down to my toes, slowly bringing me back to life as she wipes away the last remnants of the collapse from my body. She is quiet as she works. Now and then lets out a small gasp as she takes note of another cut or bruise. But mostly she is silent, letting me be as I struggle to get through this. I love the feel of her hands on me, I really do. But this is so far from how and why I want her to touch me that it's hard to relax and let it happen. I am worried that this is what she will remember when she touches me next. And I really don't want that. I don't want this to be what she is thinking of when we are intimate.

"Naoms?"

I look up when I hear her voice, to see her looking at me with concern.

"Are you okay?"

"What? Oh, yeah. I'm fine, Ems. Just fine."

Emily sits down on the bed beside me, one arm on the other side of me for her to lean on. "You look sad."

"Oh. I'm not. Not really. I just… I don't know. It's just… "

"Naomi, I love you. And I think you're beautiful. And none of this is going to change that. Seeing you like this, seeing all the marks that show what you've been through, all that just tells me what I already know. It tells me how strong you are, and how brave. It will never make me love you less. Okay?"

"You need to get out of my fucking head, you know. It's creepy when you read me like that."

She beams that gorgeous, happy smile at me again, the one that tells me that we really are alright and she really does love me. "Nah. I kind like it in there."

She reaches out to tap me on the forehead as she speaks, so I grab her finger, and pull it until I can kiss the palm of her hand. "Thank you."

"Feel better?"

"Much."

"Good. Now let me go so I can get this mess cleaned up."

With a quick kiss, she pops up and starts hauling the dirty towels and bowls out of the room, tidying as she goes, and singing softly under her breath. It takes me a while, but eventually I figure it out. She's singing "Splish Splash I was taking a bath." Bloody smartass!

.

**X X X**

**Day 3 – 11:47 hours**

**Emily**

The doctor's here. He arrived just after I got back from dropping off the wet towels. As soon as Naomi saw him she grabbed my hand so hard that I wouldn't be surprised if she broke it. But I didn't try to stop her. The doctor's here to tell us about her leg and I can tell that she's so scared she's barely breathing. If squeezing my hand helps her, so be it.

"Tell me."

"Well, hello to you too, Naomi."

"Seriously? You're going to mess with me now? Just fucking tell me! Please."

"Okay. Relax. The news is good. The infection is gone and there is every reason to believe the antibiotics will keep working and you will keep your leg."

Oh, thank god. Sweet merciful fucking hell, thank god.

"We still don't know what, if any, nerve damage you may have suffered. We'll get a better feel for that when we get you on your feet. For now, I am releasing you. You can go back to your own room, with help."

"I'll help." I'm not offering, I'm telling. Thankfully, Naomi is still too shell-shocked to object. She just nods in acceptance.

"The nurse will be in to give you care instructions and meds. Once that's done, you can be on your way. We'll schedule your physio to start tomorrow. Be nice to the therapist. You are going to hate him because of what he'll make you do. But he's going to help you walk again if you let him."

"Thank you, Doc, really. I can't thank you enough."

"Entirely my pleasure, Naomi. You take care."

I watch him leave, then turn to Naomi and start disentangling my hand from the vice grip that she has me in.

"I'm keeping my leg." She looks stunned, the relief overwhelming her.

"Yes, baby. You are. You really are."

I watch her face as the news really starts to sink in. The grin that breaks across her face is dazzling, and she does a little happy dance in the bed. I can't help but pop a few jig-of-joy moves myself, laughing as I do. It's not over yet, I know that. But this is fantastic news and I am going to hang onto this moment for as long as I can.

.

**X X X**

**Day 3 – 18:32 hours**

We are finally in Naomi's temporary new room. It took for-fucking-ever to get Naomi checked out and transferred over here. She was surprised to realize that her old room was gone. She never really got to see the scale of the devastation after the attack, so the trip from the hospital to the temporary dorms was a real eye-opener for her. She was so quiet, just taking in the scenes of wreckage and the work parties trying to clear the debris. When we passed the collapsed mess hall wing I thought her eyes would pop right out of her head. "How did any of us survive that?" is the only thing she said on the whole trip.

She's been preoccupied and distracted ever since we arrived here. I know it's hard, not having any of her own belongings. I stocked her room with some basic clothes and personal items like a toothbrush and toothpaste. But there's nothing here that's really hers.

Effy dropped by to help me get Naomi settled into bed, but she didn't stay long. The room is pretty small, and it was awkward to try to fit all three of us in here. She'll come by again in the morning when I have to go back to work.

I'm staying here tonight. Naomi isn't mobile enough to be alone yet, and it's really pissing her off. She's more than a little cranky because she needs help to do everything, including getting in and out of her wheelchair, and going to the bathroom.

I had planned to just sleep in a chair to make sure I don't accidentally hurt her, but she won't hear of it. And so, I strip down to my t-shirt and boy shorts and very carefully slide into the bed beside her.

"Is this okay, Naoms? Do you have enough room?"

"Yes. It's fine, Ems."

Naomi is on the inside, with her injured right leg nearest to the wall. This way I can get out of bed more easily to help her, and there's less chance that I will inadvertently hit that leg during the night.

"Alright then. Good night, Naoms. Let me know if you need anything."

I give her a quick, but heart-felt kiss, and then roll over onto my left side to give her a little more room. I'm surprised when I feel her roll over to spoon me shortly after, wrapping her right arm around me and nuzzling her chin into my neck.

"I'm sorry I was short with you earlier. I'm just frustrated at being so helpless. But I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"It's alright Naomi. I understand. I'd be frustrated, too."

"It feels so good to be able to hold you again. It makes everything feel better."

"Me too, Naoms. Me too."

I feel her fingers start to slowly slide under my shirt and brush along my skin. She's using soft, lazy strokes, with no pattern or plan that I can discern. It feels amazing, and I have to consciously rein in my reaction. She's in no shape to be doing the things that her touch is making me want to do.

"I'm also sorry for the way I behaved before the attack. There is no excuse for that. I was upset, yes, but I should never have taken it out on you. I know you just wanted to help."

Wow. I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't sure whether we'd ever talk about that little run in.

"Katie ripped me a new one for that, you know. That's what we were doing when the attack hit. That's why we were all together."

"Oh. I didn't know that."

"Yeah. She has an impressive way of calling me on my shit. And she really didn't appreciate me pushing you away like that."

"So what happened?"

"Hmm?"

"Why did you push me away?"

There is a pause before she answers, but it's not uncomfortable.

"It was Jamie's birthday. And I forgot. Completely. It never even crossed my mind until JJ mentioned the date. And I just felt so awful for forgetting it. I kind of lost it. I didn't feel like I deserved to be near you then, so..."

"Do you realize that the only thing that has ever kept me away from you is you? And you keep doing it. I can't make you let me in, Naoms. And I can't make you let me help when things are tough. You have to decide that you want me to. You have to choose to let me."

I pause then, trying to decide whether this is really the right time to have this conversation. So much is going on that almost feel bad pushing her now. But we have to get past this. And maybe sooner is better than later. So, I take a deep breath, pull her arm closer around me, and continue.

"I gotta tell you, Naoms, on this issue you really need to stop being such an ass."

I brace myself for her to get angry, but instead she just laughs, kissing my shoulder as she answers.

"Effy used 'twat,' but I take your point."

"I'm serious, Naomi. You have to stop pushing me away. It really hurts." I try not to let my emotions come through in my voice, but it really does hurt, and it's hard not to let that show.

"I know. I know, Emily. I don't want to hurt you. I promise I don't. And I think… I think I'll be better now. A lot has changed."

There's another pause, as Naomi shifts slightly behind me.

"There's something I want to tell you… I'm not quite sure how to say this, or how you'll take it. But I think it might help. Before, when we were in the hole… I kind of… I sort of… spoke to her. Well, I guess I didn't really speak to her, but it felt like I did at the time."

There's another hesitation, almost as if she's trying to figure out how to explain whatever it is she's talking about.

"I don't understand, Naomi. Who did you speak to?"

"Jamie. I spoke to Jamie."

"Oh…" Oh fuck.

"Yeah. We kind of talked about you, actually. She basically told me that I'm an idiot, so you agree on that at least. And she said that I need to get over myself and…" Naomi blows out a breath and tightens her hold on my chest. "She told me that I had to choose."

I'm completely confused. "Choose? You mean, between her and me?" I can't keep a hint of outrage from showing through, not to mention fear.

"Oh, no. No, not at all. She meant I had to choose whether to live or die; whether to give up and be free of the pain, or to keep fighting so I could be with you. And she said she'd be disappointed if I didn't choose life, if I didn't choose you."

Naomi stops again, her hand running up and down my arm to try to soothe me. I know I am tense and she can feel it. But Jesus, what does she expect?

"I chose you, Ems. That's what I wanted to tell you. What kept me going was you. You are what kept me alive. Just you. It's so simple. I will always choose you, Ems. I know that now. I _need_ that now. And what I decided down in that hole is that I'm going to try to be brave, just like you asked me to be. I'm going to let myself want you back. I'm not going to hold back. And I'm going to try to let myself be happy. With you. Because I am - happy that is - when I'm with you."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. This is everything I wanted. And if she means it... Oh god please let her mean it!

"I'm happy when I'm with you, too, Naoms."

I snuggle back against her, taking care to keep away from her legs as I do. I realize very quickly that it was not a good move because now I can feel her breath against my ear as she speaks. That, coupled with everything I am feeling after this little chat has me pretty much ready to combust.

"Do you think you'll be able to come with me to physio tomorrow?"

Her hand is moving across my stomach again, making languid sweeps from side to side. Physio? What? Sweet lord, if she doesn't stop touching me soon, I'm going to have to make her stop. It feels so good. Too good. I shift a little, trying to relieve some of my discomfort without tipping her off to just how wound up her hand is making me.

"I think so. I uh… I should be able to get away long enough for that, if you want me to."

"I'd like that. I'd like you to be there."

Like I'd be anywhere else on her first day.

"Hey, thank you for cleaning me up today." I feel her lips on my neck, her kisses adding to her words. Fucking hell.

"Um. Sure. No problem. That was entirely my pleasure. I was, um, glad to be able to do something useful."

That feels so good!

"It felt really good to have you touch me."

What? Jesus. This is not good.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. It feels really good to be able to touch you now, too."

Her hand starts to wander even further, edging past my breasts, swiping across my nipples so that my breath hitches and I have to work really hard not to buck against her. Fucking hell. Okay. This has to stop.

"What are you doing?"

"I would think that was pretty obvious."

Her hand slows as it crosses my right breast, squeezing gently before moving on in the unhurried pattern she has now fallen into.

"You really need to stop, Naoms."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because we can't do this, Naoms. You're too hurt. And you're turning me on _way_ too much for me to handle when you can't do anything about it."

"I beg to differ. You may not be able to touch me, that's true, but I see no reason why I can't touch you… And I would really, _really_ like to keep doing that."

Oh fucking hell. What can I say to that? Yes. Of course, yes. I don't move, not wanting to encourage her, I mean this is crazy, but I am too far gone to actually, actively make her stop.

"The only thing is, Ems, you can't move, I mean at all, or you'll hurt me. So you have to stay perfectly still, alright. Just stay right where you are and let me touch you. I promise you'll like the result…"

I know the groan I hear is mine, and I Naomi's satisfied chuckle from behind me confirms it. The motion of her hand becomes more deliberate, quicker, as she tweaks and pulls and massages my breasts, moving between them, making my heart pound and my thighs clench with desire. She's so fucking good at that! I'm panting hard, and just about to beg for more when her focus shifts lower, her fingers sliding lazily past my hips and across my pelvis before shifting again to pass through my now dripping wetness. The effort of not moving is killing me. I am strung so taught that the slightest motion of her hand sends jolts of pleasure right through me. I am vibrating with the strain of staying still.

Her fingers begin a quick stroking motion, rubbing back and forth across my clit, flicking occasionally when I least expect it. My eyes literally roll back in my head as the sensations hit me. I can feel her lips and teeth along my shoulder and neck as her hand works over me, and hear her soft whisper as she tells me how much she loves touching me.

"Oh fuck…"

"You like that?" Her strokes and pulls are driving me mad.

"Please…"

"Please what? What do you want, Emily?"

"I need you. Please. Inside."

I cry out as she enters me, moving so slowly I could scream. I know that I'm moaning non-stop now. It's overwhelming. The sensations she's creating coupled with added tease of not being able to move in response - Jesus, it's incredible. So fucking intense.

"Faster. Please, fuck, please, just faster!"

Naomi responds, giving me everything I ask for, her fingers driving in and out of me, as deep as she can reach. She's shifted to get a better angle and I know it won't be long now. I can't hold on. I can't…

"Oh, fuck! Nai, I'm gonna…."

The scream that rips from my throat is completely unrestrained. All the energy I can't let go in movement breaks free through my yell. I'm shaking hard, pulsating with the release, as Naomi wraps her arm back across my chest, pulling me as close to her as she can.

"Wow."

Not terribly profound, I know, but the fact that I can speak at all right now is a fucking miracle.

"Shhh. It's alright, Emily. It's alright. I've got you."

I realize as Naomi speaks that I'm crying, my release not just physical, but also emotional. She's alive, and right here with me, and she's going to be alright. I just… I was so scared, so terrified that I would lose her, and to have her so close, to have her touch me like that, _possess_ me like that… It just makes it all so real. She's mine. She loves me and she wants me and I'm not going to lose her. The relief is even more overwhelming than the release. All I want is to wrap myself up in her and never let go. I can't express that in words yet, so I pull her arm tighter around me, and lean my shoulders into her just a little more.

"I love you, Naoms."

"I love you, too, Emily. With all my heart."

I sleep then, safe in her arms. And for the first time since the collapse it is a peaceful sleep, filled with hopeful dreams for the future instead of nightmares.

.

**X X X**

**Ah, things are finally looking up for our girls. Now if they can all stop sleeping all the time and get on with things, eh?**

**Thanks for staying with me and this story. Hit the review button to let me know what you think. Makes me very happy when you do!**


	22. Chapter 22 - New Beginnings

**I don't own Skins. Or maybe I do and I'm just messing with you… you never know!**

**Chapter 22 – New Beginnings**

**Naomi**

"Motherfucking, cocksucking, son of a bitch! Get your fucking hands off me!"

Even I am surprised at the snarl that is torn out of me when Mike, or Mick, or whatever my sadistic arse-wipe of a physiotherapist is called, hits a knot in my thigh. He is a decent sized guy, a little under 2 metres tall with arms like tree trunks. He is double brown, eyes and hair, with a very short haircut, and he is dressed in the standard hospital uniform of scrub pants, sneakers and t-shirt.

Before he damn near wrecked me he had been working on my leg for about 20 minutes, massaging it – read digging into me like some kind of crazed torturer – to try to unwind and loosen up the huge amount of tension and knots that have built up around my mangled thigh muscle. It has been painful enough so far - as in knuckle-clenching, teeth-grinding, swear like a truck driver painful - but he must have just hit the puncture site because I swear it felt like that fucking rebar was tearing through me all over again.

"I'm sorry, Naomi, but it really is a good sign…"

I cut him off with a growl and a glare. I swear if one more person tells me how good it is that it hurts this fucking much I will KILL THEM. It seems as though that is all that I have heard since I was released from the hospital 3 days ago. I know it is good that the nerve that runs through my leg wasn't damaged. It's lovely, really. Fan-fucking-fabulous. But there is _nothing_ about feeling this much pain that is positive or good. Not one, single, solitary thing. My leg has been tender as hell the whole time, but this is a whole new level of hurt. I take a minute to try to breathe through the ache. The sense that he was driving an ice pick through me has thankfully eased off, but it is still bloody sore.

"Do you think we can continue?"

Arse-wipe. "Do I fucking look like we can continue?"

"Do you want me to stop?"

"Of course I fucking want you to stop. It hurts like fucking hell."

"Okay. I'd prefer to do more today, but if that's as far as you can go, maybe we can pick this up tomorrow. Take your time before you try to move."

"Wait a minute. Where the fuck are you going?"

He looks at me like I've lost my mind. "You said you wanted to stop…"

"Well yeah. Of course I want you to stop because it _fucking hurts_. But that doesn't mean I'm actually going to _let_ you stop. If this is what it takes for me to walk again, then do what you need to do. Just don't expect me to be quiet about it and _don't_ ask idiotic questions like 'do I want it to stop!'"

"Naomi, please stop yelling. I know you're hurting, but he's only trying to help."

Jesus. I had almost forgotten that Emily was even here. I just manage to stop myself from yelling at her, too, by clamping my jaw shut even tighter and grabbing onto the massage table even harder. My hands are the picture of white knuckle right now, and I focus on them while I try to calm down. Finally, I can feel some of the tension slipping away as the driving pain in my leg lessens to a more manageable dull throb. It doesn't feel good by any means, but I am no longer contemplating gnawing it off with my own teeth either.

"Okay." I am not sure if I mean, "Okay, I'll stop yelling" or just "Okay, I am somewhat back in control."

"So you'll let him try again?" God, how does she do that? With just that simple question Emily has me _wanting_ to let him try again, just because she asked. I even think about apologizing to Mike/Mick/whoever-the-fuck-he-is, but thankfully that impulse passes quickly.

Physio guy looks to Emily as if asking her to confirm that I am not some kind of out of control maniac, and only when she nods at him with a smile that would piss me off if it wasn't so cute does he approach me again. He moves carefully, as if expecting me to lash out at any second, and if I'm honest that actually makes me feel better. He should be worried, the fucker. His job right now is to hurt me, and that means he's not going to be my BFF anytime soon. I want him a little nervous.

"Ah… can I, um… is it okay if I start working on the knots again?"

I look at him, contemplating how to respond when Emily chimes in with a soft, "Be nice, Naomi. Remember what the doctor told you. He said you were going to hate Nick…" - Nick! Fuck. _That's_ his name - "…But he's going to help you walk again."

At her words I bite back what I was originally going to say, and instead just nod, giving Nick the Prick the "go ahead." As his hands make contact with my aching thigh I just say, "For now, can you try to stay away from direct pressure on the puncture site, 'cause, you know, it fucking _hurts_!"

"Yeah. I can do that. And I'm sorry. I do have to put pressure on the muscles for this to work, but I didn't realize I was hitting the actual tear. The wound is at an angle and I misjudged it. I'm really sorry. It won't happen again."

Well, I'll be fucked. It is an honest to god apology from the medicine man. Maybe I won't have to kill this guy after all.

"No problem. Just give me a little warning before you hit the worst spots, okay, so I can brace myself for it."

Nick starts working on my leg again, and it is still bloody painful, but it is bearable. I know that he will have to deal with the more damaged part of my leg at some point, but today is not going to be that day. As he works, Nick starts talking to me. I don't know if he really thinks I am interested, or if he is just trying to give me something else to focus on. His voice is soft and deep, almost mellow, belying just how strong his hands are and how much strength he is using to work on me.

"The quadriceps muscle is responsible for straightening the knee and controlling knee and hip movements. You use it most when you sprint or jump or kick. From what I'm seeing and from how you're reacting, your femoral nerve seems to be completely unaffected by the trauma, which is really good news. So, if you take your therapy and exercises seriously, I'll think you'll make an almost full recovery. You won't be running any marathons, and you'll likely have a bit of a limp given how much damage there is, but you should walk again."

I can feel some of the tension slipping away from me as I listen to him. It is a huge relief to know that I will be able to walk. I have been freaking myself out over that ever since I woke up in the hospital. I never much liked running, so having a solid excuse to avoid that is actually kind of a bonus. But the thought of never walking again scared the crap out of me. I sneak a look over at Emily to see if she is listening. The smile on her face tells me that she is, and she is just as happy with the news as I am. There is a hint of worry in her eyes, no doubt at the mention of a limp, but she knows as well as I do how lucky I am to have kept my leg at all. She throws me a wink, and nods towards Nick, silently telling me to pay attention. I roll my eyes, but do as she says. It's more fun to look at her, but she is right. I need to focus so that I can get better as soon as I can.

"Starting tomorrow, I'm going to have you do some gentle resistance exercises and thigh stretching to align the scar tissue that is going to form as you heal. That should help you increase your thigh muscle strength down the line. When your leg is ready in a few weeks we'll start more intensive core strengthening. For the next little while, though, I'll provide the resistance – I don't want you pushing too hard or too fast – but as you get stronger, I'll give you some resistance bands and you can work on your own. You need to be serious about it; no skipping sessions or cutting reps. Can you do that?"

"She'll do it. I'll torment the life out of her if I have to, but she'll do it."

"Hey! I am perfectly capable of doing what I'm told, you know!"

My faked outrage is overshadowed when Emily actually _snorts_ at my words, and then proceeds to giggle hysterically for several minutes while Nick and I watch bemused. When I think she has got it more or less together again I speak up.

"Fine. Maybe I don't often do as I'm told, Emily darling, but you have to admit that I do have a rather pressing interest in walking again. So I think it is safe to say I'll make an exception this time. Happy now, Ems?"

She has just about got her laughter under control but is still wiping the tears out of her eyes as she walks towards me. She presses a kiss to my cheek, wraps her arm around my shoulders and manages to sputter out, "Absolutely blissful, my love. And I'm very much looking forward to meeting this new, compliant you."

Even Nick chuckles a little at that, and I can't quite hide my smile. She is so fucking cute when she is happy like this that I cannot even begrudge the fact that she is teasing me.

"Alright, Naomi, you're done for today. Let's meet again tomorrow at the same time. I want to see if I can start working a little closer to the puncture site."

Well, that sounds like fun, doesn't it?

"Right. Same bat time, same bat channel. Brilliant. See you then."

.

**X X X**

.

I am resting in my room when I hear a knock at the door. Emily just left to pick us up some food from the new mess, so I don't think it is her. Plus, she would not knock to come in.

I call out in answer, saying that the door is open, and I am delighted to see Kieran's face pop into view. I have not seen much of him in the last couple of days, as he has been up to his ears dealing with the clean-up and implementing new security protocols for all the bases in the region.

"Hello, me darlin' lass. How're you feeling?"

"I'm good, Kieran, still sore, but on the mend."

I pat the edge of my bed so he knows that it is okay to sit there, and watch fondly as he ambles over. He has none of the rigid bearing of a career military officer. He was a teacher, not a soldier. He holds his rank and post because he proved time after time that he was too damned good not to put in charge, but he really can be a bit of a wreck to look at. Right now he is in dire need of a haircut and a shave, reminding me of how he used to look all the time before the Crash. I used to wonder how such a fucking disaster could turn it around the way he did, but I guess protecting my mom and me was pretty good motivation. He did what he needed to do, and I admire that. He is a crazy old git, but I love him.

"I read the reports on your leg."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's not going to come all the way back, my girl. You know that, right?"

I nod my agreement.

"I'm sorry for that. I really am. The word I got is you will walk, but with restrictions. And you won't be able to run or climb easily, if at all."

"It's early days yet, Kieran. I might surprise you."

"True. Very true. If anyone can do it, it would be you. But I have to make decisions based on what I know now, Naomi. And what I know now is you won't be able to be part of a combat team any time soon. So, based on the new medical reports, I'm amending your medical leave to indefinite, and I'm removing you from your combat team."

I am so surprised by his words that I don't know how to respond. I guess I shouldn't be. He's right, of course. I am in no shape for combat missions, and won't be unless I recover more than expected. But fuck, it is still a shock to hear it said out loud. What will that mean for the others? With both Cook and me out, will they split them up? Before I can ask, Kieran speaks again.

"I have an idea, if you want to hear it…"

I still can't seem to find any words, so I just look up at him and indicate that he should continue.

"I'd like you to think about becoming a trainer at the sniper range. The facility in Cardiff is short-handed and they need someone good. I think you would be perfect for it. You could teach what you know without worrying about your leg, and you'd still be contributing to the war effort. If you want to, that is."

I let the idea rattle around my head for a bit. It is not a terrible idea, but Cardiff is a long way from Bristol. If it means leaving Emily, I won't do it.

"What about Emily?"

"What do you mean?"

"If I go to Cardiff, will Emily be able come, too? And if she is, what would there be for her to do there? I can't leave her Kieran. I won't. But I can't ask her to just follow me, either. There has to be something in it for her."

"Good girl."

What the fuck does that mean?

"You've come a long way, Naomi. Not too long ago you never would have included Emily in your decision-making. You would have just done what was best for you. I'm glad, really deeply glad, that you have learned that lesson. So, I'm going to put on my father hat on now, Naomi, and tell you what I really think. Fuck the war."

My surprise must be obvious from my expression.

"That's right, I'm serious and I'm saying fuck the war. You take your sweetheart and you build a new start away from here, away from Cardiff, away from all of it. We're holding our own, Naomi. The rocket attack caught us with our knickers down, but that won't happen again. There are other fighters, other snipers."

His eyes soften, and he leans towards me, placing his big, rough hand on mine.

"You've done enough, my girl. You've given enough and you've lost enough. Way more than your fair share. So go. Go see your mother in Leeds, or find someplace else you want to be. Whatever, just go. Be safe, and settle down, and take that girl with you. Find a nice little house and plant a garden. Emily would love that. And so would you."

Jesus, here I go again. Am I ever going to stop crying? I struggle to hold back sobs as I imagine the picture he has painted for me: Emily and me in a little cottage, with a little garden. It's perfect.

"Thank you Kieran. Just… Jesus. Thank you."

This is not the answer to all the problems my injury will cause. I still need to take care of Effy and the rest of the team and make sure they will stay together. But the fact that Kieran is sitting here, telling me to take care of myself and Emily, supporting me so strongly about creating a future for us…. I am completely blown away. I lean forward until I can enfold him in a hug. He returns it without reservation, and kisses the top of my head.

"Anytime, love. Anytime. Now for the love of fuck will you please go call your mother before she walks here to talk to you?"

He drops one more kiss on my head and makes for the door.

"I love you, Kieran."

He stops and looks back, swallowing hard.

"I love you, too, kid."

And he's gone.

.

**X X X**

.

"Five days, Blondie! Five fucking days it took you to call us!"

Cook is yelling at me down the phone line, masking his hurt with anger.

"I'm sorry, Cook. But I haven't exactly been mobile, you know. I can't get to the Comms building without help, and everyone is pretty busy with the clean-up around here. Emily offered to help me the past few days after physio was over, but by the time Nick the Dick got finished torturing me I really just needed to go lie down. I have another session in an hour or so, actually, but I finally got smart and asked Panda to bring me here first so I could call you before going to physio in case I am too tired again after."

"Yeah, well. I suppose that makes sense. You're still going to make it up to me though. You owe me big time for this one."

"You got it, Cook. Anything that doesn't involve sexual favours."

"Well, fucking hell, where's the fun in that?"

I can tell by the change in his tone that I am forgiven. Cook never could stay mad at me for long.

"So, how are you anyway?"

"About how you would expect, Cook. The leg hurts like hell, but the rest of me is coming along. I still have some trouble taking deep breaths because of the ribs, but it is getting easier every day. What about you? How is the shoulder?"

"Ah well, alright I suppose. It's taking a lot longer than I thought to come around, though. That's not all bad though. Means I get to spend more time with Gina and Paddy, so that's good. I got my eyes on a job, too, until I'm well enough join up with you lot again."

I'm not quite ready to tell Cook that I won't be going back to the Team, so I keep the conversation focussed on Leeds.

"A job, eh? Tell me about it."

"There's a bar here, innit? Called Keith's. I've been hanging out there now and then, haven't I? Beers are cold and cheap, the girls are fucking mint, and everyone feels the Cookie love! Turns out the owner, Keith, wants to slow down a bit. So, he asked would I fill in for a bit. He's thinking that maybe I could look at taking over down the line. It's not the best place, but I like it. It's kind of fucking brilliant to think it could be mine, you know?"

"It sounds wonderful, Cook." I would actually be really happy to see Cook out of the firing line, especially now that I can't be there to protect him if he goes back. And it would be great for him to have something of his own to take pride in.

"You should think about coming down to see it, Blondie. You know, while you recover. You might even want to work there with me, eh?"

"I don't know, Cook. I'm not sure what's going to happen with me next. And there is Emily to consider, too."

"Right, yeah, of course. How is little Red?"

"She's great, Cook, really great."

"Ah, the sweet smell of love is in the air. 'Course that could be vomit. Hard to tell the difference."

"Fuck off, you wanker."

"I'm glad it's going well, Blondie. I really am."

"Thanks, Cook."

"Right. Enough of this shit. I'm going to put Gina on. Stay out of trouble until we get there, right? We should be there a week from Friday, if all goes well."

"Can't wait, Cook."

"Hey, Naomi? I just… Look, I'm not good at this, but fuck it, I want you to know… If it was us, meeting up for the first time, I'd do it all again. Everything. The fights, the fuck ups. Everything."

"I love you, James. I'll see you in a few days, alright?"

"I'll bring a fucking gateau! Ha! Say hello to the muff-muncher, and the rest of the gang."

I start to answer him, but stop when I hear him bellowing for Gina. It does not take long for her to pick up the phone. I hate to admit it, but my heart flips a little when I hear her voice. I miss her.

"Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're alive. It was a terrible thing to sit and wait for news. But I had faith, Naomi. I had faith that you would fight and you did. I'm so very proud of you. I only wish I could have been there to help you through the hurt."

It is just like her to dive in without giving me a moment to respond. But I am so glad to hear from her that I don't even think about giving her a hard time.

"I'm really sorry you had to go through that, Mom."

"Nonsense! Nothing for you to be sorry about. You lived, that's all I needed. Now, tell me how you are. I know about the physical bits. Kieran told me all that. But he's useless about the important stuff. How are you mentally, emotionally?"

That's my mom, cutting straight to the point. I don't know why I'm even surprised. She knows more than anyone how something like the collapse could fuck up my head. She's seen it happen before. So, I rush to reassure her that this time it is different. This time, I am actually okay.

"I'm good. Mom. Really good. I um… a lot happened, actually. A lot has changed."

"How so, dear?"

"I guess I finally made peace with losing Jamie. And with being able to live without her. I just…. I think I finally let myself let her go."

"That's good, dear, very good. You are allowed to be happy even though she's gone. I'm glad you finally realized it."

"I have. And I am, Mom. I really am happy despite everything."

"Why do I have the feeling that a certain tiny redhead has something to do with that?"

I love the amount affection that echoes through Gina's voice as she mentions Emily.

"It does. I told her that I love her, Mom. I think… no, I _know_ that I want to be with her for a long, long time."

"I'm so glad, my love. Emily's a wonderful girl. You will be good together, I can feel it."

"I'm glad you like her, Mom. She likes you, too, you know."

"Clever girl!"

I chuckle at that. "Yeah. She is pretty amazing." I pause for a second, my mind shifting to thoughts of Emily. I can get lost thinking about her. "She's kicking my arse right now to be nice to everyone, which is annoying. But I love her. And want to make a life with her."

"Then do it. Don't let your fear hold you back, Naomi. Grab onto happiness with both hands and don't let go."

Jeez. I wonder if she and Kieran talked about this before they talked to me? No matter. I have no intention of letting Emily go. "I will, Mom."

"Good. And do your damned exercises, alright!"

"Yes, mom, I'll do my exercises. Jesus!"

"Give my love to Emily, and to Kieran. I'll see you soon."

"Bye Mom. Love you."

"Love you, too, dear."

The sound of the click breaking the connection makes me sad. But I know I'll see Gina and Cook next week when they come to visit. So, I collect myself and let Panda push me along to the hospital wing to see Mr. Sadistic for my next round of physio.

.

**X X X**

.

It has been 5 days since I spoke to Gina and Cook. Five days of talking to Emily about options, without reaching any decisions. Five days of working with Effy to try to find ways for the rest of the team to stay together without finding a solution. And five days of stretches and pulls, of strengthening and increasing range of motion, poking and prodding by Nick the Sick. In essence, it has been five days of anxiety, frustration and pain, tempered only by Emily and Effy and their faith that everything will work out. But all of that, everything that has passed since the accident, pales in comparison with this moment. Because at this moment, I find myself in the most unnerving place on earth, about to do the most daunting thing that I have ever done.

To be clear, I have not suddenly beamed into Death Valley, or the South Pole or the top of Mount Everest, or even a snake-filled jungle. Nope. I am still in Bristol, still on the base, in a largely empty, seemingly innocuous space. I have been here many times before. But today it is different. Today, this place scares the shit out of me. Because I have to walk. Or at least try to. And I am fucking bricking it.

Nick and Emily are working hard to calm me down, trying to make me believe this is no big thing. But it is. It is big. I know it is going to fucking hurt, but that is not what scares me. Pain I can deal with. What scares me is that I might not be able to do it, that my leg might be too damaged. What then?

So I stand here, in this bright, blue room, with my arms braced on the parallel bars in front of me, and nervous sweat dripping steadily down my neck. I know that Emily is at the end of the bars' reach. She has deliberately chosen to place herself right in my sight-line. She is just standing there, waiting for me to come to her, if only I could make myself move.

Nick is smart enough to stay out of the way. I know he is behind me ready to catch me if I stumble or fall. But he is silent, letting Emily provide the encouragement, the motivation. I focus on her voice, trying to block everything else out. But it is all a jumble to me, just white noise drowning in the cacophony of my tortured thoughts. At least it is until I hear the magic phrase.

"Come on, Naomi. You can do it."

My head snaps up as I look across at her, drilling her with my eyes. "Say it again."

"What? Oh!"

I see comprehension flash across her face. She knows the story. She knows how I would repeat her words to steady myself to shoot. She nods in acknowledgement and then starts to speak again, calmly, steadily, her voice sending chills down my spine as it spills over me.

"You can do it, Naomi. You can do this. You can do anything."

And there it is; my new mantra. I replay it over and over in my mind, using Emily's words to push past my fears once more, taking strength from her faith in me, focusing on her voice as she continues to send encouragement my way.

I take a step, placing my weight on my right leg for the first time since the accident. The pain is piercing and deep, the persistent throbbing amplified to a crippling degree. It hurts. Fucking hell it hurts so much. I gasp as the pain slices through me, my eyes and teeth clenching shut as I grit my way through it. I have to do this. The longer I wait the more my leg will atrophy and scar and less chance I will have for recovery. I have to do this.

I can hear Emily's voice calling even louder now, exhorting me forward. Another step. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_! One more. It's not getting any easier, but it's not getting worse either. I take a break, wiping the stinging sweat out of my eyes with the back of my sleeve, my chest heaving with the effort of staying upright. I gather all my willpower and put my hand back on the bar, bracing to move forward again.

Another step, and another, and another, until I lose track and just keep mindlessly putting one foot in front of the other, the drone of Emily's sweet voice and my own strangled sobs tangling with the sound of my feet dragging slowly across the tiles. Finally, sweet Jesus fucking finally, I am there. I collapse into Emily's arms as I reach the end of the bars. I am exhausted, and raw and empty. I could not move right now if my life depended on it. I heave out great, wracking breaths, trying to push past the pain so it does not take me under. I can hear Emily talking to me, whispering in my ear, holding me to her.

"I'm so proud of you, Naoms. I knew you could do it. You are so fucking strong, so fucking brave. I've got you, Baby. I've got you. It's okay. God, I love you."

As I rest in the arms of my beautiful girlfriend, with her words washing over me like a soft rain, it hits me. I did it. I walked. Not very far, I know, but far enough. It's a start. And if I can do that much, I know that I can do more. Thank fucking god. I can walk.

.

**X X X**

.

So, someone had the bright idea of celebrating the momentous occasion of me walking today. We were going to head to the base bar, but that would have left JJ out, so instead we are heading to my bench for a little R&R.

The trip so far has been pretty hilarious, with Thomas and JJ taking turns piggy-backing me, accompanied by a running commentary from Katie about the joys of picking her way along the muddy path. At least she swapped her heels for vans. She would never make it otherwise.

Emily managed to wipe out trying to jump the little creek. She tried to wipe off the wet, brown clay that covered her jeans from her ass to her ankle, but it's pretty well soaked in. The face she made when she touched the slimy mud was too funny.

She is drying off now, near the small bonfire Thomas built for us. I, on the other hand, am in my place of honour on the bench, sorting out the booze the girls carried in for us to drink tonight. The selection is strange, as always, but it will do. There is enough here to make for a pretty interesting night.

Under Thomas' direction, the gang has cleared a big circular area next to my bench. They dug a shallow fire pit and surrounded it with rocks to keep it contained. Then they pulled fallen logs into a circle with the bench so everyone has somewhere to sit. It is pretty impressive work, especially given that almost everyone is already more than a little drunk.

I watch the shenanigans as Panda bops along singing off-key songs with made up lyrics and the boys and Katie spread out to collect more firewood. From where I sit I can look out over cliff and see the water and the bridge. It is lovely out, warmer than usual for this time of year. You could almost forget the war exists for a while.

"Hurry up you lot, it's drinking time."

It is Emily who answers me, trying to take the piss.

"All right, keep your vagina on!"

"I'd rather keep yours on…" Wait a minute… That made more sense in my head. "Never mind."

Emily just laughs at me, and carries on drying her bum. Makes for a nice view.

Katie and the boys are finally making their way back to the fire, arms filled with bits of broken branches. I see Katie do a double-take when she sees Emily baking her ass by the fire. Katie is chuckling as she drops her load on the slowly growing pile of wood and moves over to her twin.

"Babe, I'm not being funny but you look like microwaved shit. I mean that literally – that stuff looks like dried excrement!"

"Fuck off, Katie."

Katie screams and moves away as Emily tries to smear her with some of the mud. Thomas manages to step between them, so Emily goes back to baking her butt and Katie wanders over to where Effy is sitting, on the log just across from me. They sit pressed into each other's sides, talking softly from time to time. They are still a little hesitant with each other, but it is obvious there is something going on. I am just not quite sure exactly what.

Panda wanders over and sits on a log just to my left. She is still humming to herself, but I can see that she is watching Thomas now. It is not hard to see how much she cares about him. Thomas drops onto the log beside her and drapes his arm across her shoulders. They are a strange pair, but they work.

From across the circle, I hear Effy say, "Cook's coming back. He'll be here in a couple of days."

She has been fidgety about that all week. I know she is torn. She loves Cook and cannot wait to see him. But she is worried about how Katie will react. I am too.

Katie looks up at Effy. "I heard."

"Sooo…?" Effy won't look at Katie. It is so strange to see Effy look unsure. I don't think I will ever get used to that.

"So, he broke it off, Ef."

"And…?"

Katie pushes some hair off her face and behind her ear so she can see Effy better. "And he was right. Things are… different now."

At that, Effy finally meets Katie's eyes. "Different how?"

I am amazed to realize that Katie is blushing. She ducks her eyes away. "Just different, alright?"

Katie hesitates for a minute, and I can actually see her struggling to make up her mind. Then she reaches out to take Effy's hand in hers, rubbing it to warm it up. She does not say a word, just keeps slowly rubbing Effy's hand where it now lies on her knee. I see Effy look down at the joined hands, and a small, shy smile slips across her face.

"I think I'm going to like 'different.'"

I watch, happy as can be, as they shift closer together until they are touching from shoulder to knee.

I feel Emily sit down beside me, as she whispers, "Do you think they'll make it?"

I wrap my arm around her as I answer. "I don't know. Stranger things have happened. Not many, but some."

"There's something there, I think. For Katie, too, I mean. There's something pulling her towards Effy. She wants it. She just has to stop being scared of it."

"Sounds familiar." I tuck my head against her as I say it, remembering all the times I pushed Emily away before I got my head out of my arse.

Emily smiles at my comment, instantly wiping away my chagrin with that simple gesture. "I suppose it does."

"I think your sister is a lot stronger than she looks, Ems. And I think the two of them together could paint the stars."

"Wow. That's very poetic, Naoms." Emily reaches up and swipes her lips across my cheek in a gentle kiss to take the sting out of her teasing.

"Fuck off, Ems," I say, giving her a shove to cover my embarrassment. I am not usually such a sap. But I cannot help the rush of contentment that I feel with Emily beside me, as I sit here surrounded by these amazing friends. I owe them so much, all of them, more than I can ever repay. Limp or no limp, I am one incredibly lucky woman.

We huddle there, as the sun goes down, massacring the words to more songs than I can count and swapping stories that grow taller by the tale. After a while, a comfortable silence falls. It doesn't last long though. It is broken when Effy manages to stumble right onto Katie's lap when she gets back from taking a pee in the woods.

Effy giggles as she tries to right herself, muttering, "Right. I think it's fair to say that I'm officially off the rails."

"In a good way, yeah?" As Katie speaks she grabs Effy by the arms and helps her settle safely back onto the log by her side.

"Yeah, Katie." Effy nuzzles her gently behind her chin. "In a very good way."

I watch with bated breath as I see Katie lean into Effy like a cat into a sunbeam, stretching up to whisper into her ear. From the size of Effy's answering smile, it is clear that she likes what she heard. There is definitely something good going on there. And I am glad, for both of them.

"Hey! Do you know what Naomi is spelled backwards?"

Oh Jesus. JJ is drunk, too. Here we go.

"What?" Of course Thomas would answer. He is too fucking polite not to.

"I moan."

"Ah! I bet she does! Too right, eh Ems?"

"Fuck off, Twin 2!" I flick a stone across the circle at Katie to emphasize my point, but my aim is not exactly bang on at the moment. She ducks it easily, laughing. I guess JJ and Effy are not the only ones who are drunk as a skunk right now. I take a look at the alcohol stash and realize why. We have managed to plow through quite a few bottles already.

While I am contemplating whether I should ask someone to go back for more booze, JJ points upwards, from where he is lying on his back beside the fire.

"There it is! The first star."

Every head moves up to take in the sight – one lone, bright star in the black canvass of the night sky. The moon is not up yet, so it looks even brighter than normal.

I hear Emily's voice breaking through the darkness.

_"Star light, star bright__  
><em>_First star I see tonight__  
><em>_I wish I may, I wish I might__  
><em>_Have the wish I wish tonight."_

"We should each make a wish. Just for fun. No repeats though."

"Bonkers! What a great idea, Katie! Can I start?"

"Sure Panda, go ahead."

"Right then, I wish for Haagen Das coffee ice cream. _Häagen_-_Dazs_ is the answer for everything and I haven't had any in years."

Leave it to Panda. That's fucking brilliant.

"How about you JJ?"

"Well, statistically speaking a wish made on a star is no more likely to come true than any other wish. That said, I will be quite pleased to see Cook again, so I will wish that nothing interferes to delay his visit."

I hear Thomas next, his sweet accent more prominent from the drink. "I wish for peace, in all its forms, and for the well-being of all my friends."

We all pause as Thomas' words resonate among us. He has captured what we all are feeling. He has a knack of doing that.

The spell is broken by Effy, which surprises me until I hear what she says. "I already got my wish. We got out, and we're all alive. And I'm here with you."

It is not clear if Effy means that she is here with all of us or just with Katie, but from the way she pulls Katie in closer I can take a pretty good guess.

Katie speaks then, and I am half ready to hear one of her clever, cutting, snippets of sarcasm. Instead I am blown away by the simplicity and honesty of her words. "I wish for love, and the courage to accept it when I find it."

Well shit. If that isn't the definition of _in vino veritas_ I don't know what is.

Emily quickly recognizes her sister's discomfort after her proclamation, and, as Emily always will, she dives in to the rescue. "I wish for more of this, of us together like this. I don't want to ever forget what this feels like."

Too true. I hope I remember this forever. I can feel everyone shift to look at me as I try to come up with something worthy to say. It is hard, because I have gained so much already. There is not much more that I want or need that has not already been mentioned.

"I feel like I have used up my fair share already by just being alive and here with all of you. But I guess I wish that we can all be happy. I mean, really honestly happy. And that we are smart enough to recognize it when we have it."

Silence falls again, as we each get lost in our own separate thoughts. Hours later we are still huddled around the fire, although the silence has long been broken. Panda is sitting on Thomas' lap, while JJ stokes the fire. Katie, Effy, Emily and I, are watching the sun rise up from behind the horizon, streaming its colours across the water and sky. It is beautiful, magical almost. And in my fuzzy, drink-addled brain, it makes the perfect background for a formal declaration of my love for Emily. I mean, what better time could there be to metaphorically shout it from the rooftops, and what better way to make my point than a little poetry? Right?

So, I struggle to my feet, more than a little wobbly. I feel Emily reach out to prop me up. I stand there, my weight on my good leg, and my hand on Em's shoulder for balance.

"Right. This is for you, Ems."

I take a deep breath, closing my eyes to concentrate on the words I will recite.

"I wrote your name in the sky,…"

I have barely started when I hear Effy interrupt. "I stand corrected. I think Naomi's officially off the rails."

"Fuck off, Eff."

I am determined to get this out, so I start again. "I wrote your name in the sky…"

"Is the soliloquee-ing... soliquo-ing… fucking hell! _soliloquizing_ really necessary, Lezzer?"

"I am not soliloquizing, Katie. I resent that implication. Soliloquizing is nothing more than highbrow wanking. _I_ am orating. Poetically. Or at least I'm trying to if you bloody Philistines would shut the fuck up!"

"Ooooh. I _love_ orating. It makes my woo-hoo all tingly!"

"Um. Not that kind of orating, Pandapops."

I swing my head between Panda and Effy, trying – unsuccessfully – to make sense of what they are on about. Whatever.

"Fuck it. One more try. And you lot just keep your gobs shut, alright? Right. Emily. As I was saying, this is for you.

_I wrote your name in the sky,  
>but the wind blew it away"<em>

I can hear some kind of noise in the distance but I am determined to get through this, so I ignore it.

"_I wrote your name in the sand,  
>but the waves washed it away."<em>

The fucking noise is getting closer and louder, but I am on a roll now and I'll be fucked if I am going to stop again, so I just raise my voice and keep going.

"_I wrote your name in my heart,  
>and forever it will stay."<br>_  
>"I love you, Emily Fitch. And if you'll let me, I think I'd like to…"<p>

The fucking noise is practically drowning me out now and it's starting to really piss me off.

"I'd really like to… Bloody hell, what in the ever living _fuck_ is that noise? Jesus. I'm trying to be romantic over here!"

I want to ask her to go with me to Leeds, to join Mom and Cook, and maybe help him run his bar for a while, but this bloody, fucking buzzing is drowning me out.

"Naoms…. Naoms be quiet… wait. Everyone! _Shut up_! Look! LOOK!"

I am surprised by the excitement in Emily's voice. Not to mention that she just told me to be quiet and shut up when I am standing here trying to _woo_ her, for fuck's sake. But I don't have time to object before she is grabbing me by the shoulders and forcibly turning me to look at the horizon.

"Look! Over there. Look up!"

And then I see it. A jet. There is a fighter jet flying by just over the bridge. A fucking fighter jet! As we watch, it dips its wings in a salute to the base, and then breaks off to the East, crossing the sun into the new day that's dawning.

Shitting hell. They did it. They really fucking did it!

Everyone is jumping and yelling and crying as the realization sets in. There are tears streaming down my face as I watch the fighter disappear from view. That's it. It is just a matter of time now. It has to be. If we are the only ones in the air we will have such a huge military advantage over everyone else. Not just in terms of finding and taking out guerrilla targets, but even with basic things like moving our supplies faster and, being able to do safer troop transport. Imagine how many lives can be saved because we will be able get our wounded from the battlefields to hospital faster. This is huge. Just fucking huge. It changes everything.

"Bloody hell, Ems… There'll be peace!"

I scan around our circle, pausing as I see Effy and Katie throw their arms around each other and kiss. The look of surprise on Katie's face after is priceless. I watch as she steps back, then pauses deep in thought, her eyes locked on Effy's. And then I feel my breath catch as she leans back in to kiss Effy with a growing passion. I mean, she really fucking kisses the socks right off of her. Bloody hell! As they break apart, Effy immediately pulls Katie into a tight embrace, their arms wound closely around each other, and Katie's face tucked into Effy's shoulder. It is beautiful, and I weep new tears of joy at that thought that Effy, my wonderful, broken, spectacular, force of nature, Effy, may have finally found what she's been looking for. God, I hope so.

I start feeling like a voyeur, intruding on this intensely private moment, so I shift my gaze around the circle again. Panda is jumping up and down and squealing, as Thomas and JJ bump fists, then chests with each other. Emily is just standing next to me, her eyes still locked onto where the jet disappeared, with tears streaming down her face and a smile splitting her face from ear to ear. I take her hand in mine, pulling her closer, needing to be connected to her as I try to grasp all that this will mean.

Emily leans into my arms. "It's all different now, isn't it? I mean, it will take a while, I know. But, it should be different, right, Naoms? Like, we can build a life, now. Actually choose where we want to be, what we want to do. We can do anything at all."

"Yeah, I think we can, Ems." I turn to her then, locking my eyes on her. "You know, Ems, I really don't care what I do, or where I go, as long as I can be with you. I need you to believe that."

Emily, with new tears in her eyes whispers, "Me too. I just want to be with you."

I mirror her heartfelt grin, and lean down to kiss her, softly, sweetly, gently, trying to convey all the love I feel for her in that one, simple gesture. God, I love kissing this woman. I could happily drown in the feel of her lips on mine.

When we come up for air, the others have calmed down a little. The excitement is still overwhelming, but it is tempered by the fact that we all know we are not done with the war just yet. Even so, things look brighter than they have in a long time.

I know that there is a long way to go before the war is really over. I am not naïve enough to think the bad guys will just roll over and start playing nice. But being able to get planes in the air has to give us an edge, and I have to believe that we will use it wisely. Surely we won't squander this chance.

"To the future." I speak the toast without thinking, but it feels right.

My friends respond with mixed "hear hears" and echoes of my words as we migrate closer to each other, almost unconsciously.

"So what now, Ems?" I want to know what she is thinking, what she is feeling.

"This. You, me. We build a life. Nothing big or fancy. Just us. Just you and me, following our dreams, for real finally. We'll fuck, and we'll fight, we'll spend time doing what we love, with the people we love. Wouldn't that be fucking amazing?"

"I'm sorry – I lost you at we'll fuck…"

She laughs and swats me upside the head.

"That sounds perfect, Emily." I wrap her up in my arms, nuzzling as close as I can get, breathing in the scent that is just quintessentially her and finally, _finally_, starting to believe in a better tomorrow.

Because this moment, this moment right here, with Emily in my arms and my friends all around me, watching the sunrise splash itself across the sky, painting the water with its vibrant hues on this day, a truly _new_ day, filled with infinite possibilities and endless love… well, if you can think of a more perfect moment than this, good on you. But for me this… this is it. This is my perfect happy ending. And even better, I'm pretty sure it's my perfect new beginning, too.

.

**X X X**

.

**_I wrote your name in the Sky_ was apparently written by Jason Graham, although some sources credit Jessica Blade. Whoever wrote it, I like it.**

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**X X X  
><strong>

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**Final Author's Note**

Well, as hard as it is for me to believe, _Breaking Points_ has reached its end. Somehow it seemed fitting to let Naomi voice the final chapter given that it was her journey that was the impetus for it all.

Writing BP has been a long and eventful process for me, not to mention an emotional one from time to time. I appreciate more than I can say the support that I have received along the way. I won't name names, because I would inevitably miss someone important, but I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me through reviews and PMs and email and twitter to encourage me along the way, and to let me know their thoughts about the story. I almost stopped writing this at one point, but the support and encouragement I received from a number of very kind people helped me decide to keep going. I am very glad that I did.

I could not sign off without specifically thanking Miss Marauder, who Beta'd her little heart out for this story, reviewing each chapter and providing me much need feedback, often multiple times as I worked through various drafts. There are more crucial bits than I can count that are infinitely better for her comments and gentle nudges, and quite a few that would not exist at all but for her suggestions. Her sense of story-telling and of where the story could use something just a little more to make it better, is amazing, and I am very, very grateful for all her help and cheerleading.

So, I hope you enjoyed the ride. It was a wild one for me, much as for Naomi and the gang. As I mentioned before, this whole story got started just a little over a year ago now as a result of a personal experience that left a pretty significant mark on me. BP certainly worked as a therapy session for me along the way as I used Naomi to sort through bits and pieces of my own baggage. I very much hope it also worked as a story, reasonably well told, for each of you.

Thank you for reading, and thank you for all the truly amazing support along the way.

Crev


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